The Waiting Room

Do you remember Tom Hank's character in The Green Mile? 
He was the one plagued by recurrent urine infections that were eventually cured by the saintly John Coffey 
My John Coffee is a box of trimethoprim antibiotics.
And after a second dose my abdominal pain and nausea has started to subside.
I can't tell you just how ill these infections leave a a person.

Yesterday I could only walk Mary for twenty minutes or so before a toilet visit was in a order, so bumping into Jenny the old post mistress proved to be a bit of trial of cross leggedness so to speak.
She was anxiously waiting outside the house of her daughter in law waiting to hear if her grandchild had been born.
" The birthing pool has been delivered " she said excitedly
I haven't been quite well enough today to check on what happened ....a baby born in the village....how wonderful is that ?

I missed choir practise last night which was a real shame,, but I knew I needed antibiotics so a visit to the GP out of hours had to be organised.
Now in our neck of the woods you talk to a nurse on the phone who completes her algorithm of information you provide. If she thinks it necessary, then you are given an appointment with a doctor based at the local hospital's ER department . You sit with all of the other people waiting their long turn in casualty but you are seen at the time of your appointment .
It's a good system.

I almost passed out sat in the waiting room. I was hot and it was hot and I'd just peed ground glass in the the loo. I must have looked rough because the receptionist mouthed " are you ok?" From inside her booth....
I mouthed back " I'm ok" and crossed my legs.

I only had to wait a further few minutes before I was called . In that time I watched a couple in front of me as they waited for the triage nurse. He was the attentive one, going to the desk, collecting a cup of water, helping his wife to stand up on her swollen fat feet,
And I found myself envying that attention as I sat there by myself .
Being alone and unwell
Isn't nice.

Ursula

Bwthyn-y-llan, 

Wales.

Dear Ursula,

We need to have a little chat you and I
It will be the very last chat we will indeed have.
This chat does not need or indeed elicit a response . It is for you to read and no doubt rant about on your own blog which lies in a somewhat quieter part of the internet.
It for everyone to read too....for I've found just writing something pithy in my comment box invariable fails to get through to you.
Perhaps in the future others can explain my comments,
That's if they can be arsed.

You have been what my dear rancid old mother would call " a mixer"
From the get go, you have felt almost a divine right to argue the point almost on every blog you visit
You enjoy throwing written grenades into the blog mix. You enjoy being the devil' advocate and you enjoy the thrill of the arguement.
Now I understand some of where you are coming from. Indeed, there is no one better than me who understands the joy of prodding someone in the ribs, especially if they are pious, or pompous.
But, hell Ursula you take it to the limit.
Every point has to be examined, discussed or disagreed about, and a better solution suggested as if we are all really bothered.
You've thrown your baby out with the bath water !
By over egging the pudding.
You just cannot rein yourself in like any normal person can do...you have no off button
You just don't know what's best for everyone

You have insulted me and my friends on the web, then you have waited a while for the dust to settle before reappearing like a long lost old buddy.
But you are not my buddy, I really do think that you are no one's buddy

I have enough buds of my own
And so...publicly and for the last time you have been told the truth as I see it.
If you return to bleat, to defend, to argue or to troll, I shall photoshop you, then delete you and finally I shall report you.
You have been warned
There, I have put an end to your silly ways here....with one letter... no threats of shoving  a scotch egg where the sun don't shine, no quips about " cheap shoes" ....just a final two words

Grow up.

Yours,

John Gray

Pee

I'm pissed off with piss today

Yesterday, I caught a somewhat disoriented William weeing all over my duvet and pillows.
He'd obviously had done it before and obviously had a bladder the size of an average water melon. It took an absolute age to had wash everything and make good the smell.

Today I've got an unrelated urine infection
I get them from time to time and the pain, discomfort and inconvienience can lay you low for a few days.
My psoriasis is worse too, so I suspect my reserves are a little low at the moment

I'm off to get some antibiotics and hope I'll be ok for choir practice later.

Searching

If Alfred Hitchcock was alive today he would have made the movie Searching 
Filmed totally from the perspective of a laptop screen, smartphones and go pros it is the old man-facing -a-nightmare-situation- alone story where widower David Kim ( John Cho) has to troll through his sixteen year old daughter's internet life in over to piece together just why she disappeared suddenly one night.
It's a clever premise with dad bouncing from Facebook to on line banking, to blogs to vlogs like a thing demented the movie keeps most of the audience guessing even though these are some elephant sized holes in the reality of the piece.
Cho plays the Cary Grant lead role very well. Michelle La is suitably enigmatic as the lost daughter Margot and Debra Messing rather surprisingly pops up as a caring police officer assigned to the case.
A good satisfying early evening movie
8/10

Disneyland For Grief

What do you do on a Sunday morning?
You get an invite to a local pet cemetery for breakfast of course !!
It was the most surreal of moments
The pet cemetery is a phenomenon I find a great deal of difficulty with
I've passed the place hundreds of times on the A55 and it looks very much like a regular cemetery save for a modern brick and glass building which houses a grand and very popular tea room which overlooks the greenlawns and gravestones.
I've always had a healthy disdain for the place
Disneyland for grief , I've always thought

But yesterday morning I found myself parking in it's neat car park with Mary in the passenger seat as moral support. We were 20 minutes early before I met the others for a cooked breakfast (!) so the both of us wandered about the graves of pets long gone.

It was a strangely emotional experience. Set in neat lawns with runner ducks wandering around like stupid wine bottles I read the emotional eulogies of "fluffy",  and of "Leo" and of "International velvet " the racehorse. So much more emotional than the aseptic gravestones of us humans , the gravestones shrieked of loss and love and pain.
A "best friend" lost, a "darling baby" gone, a "rock" mourned , we ambled past dozens of expensive headstones feeling overwhelmed by the loss shared in a safe public place......
I stopped at this grave and promptly burst into tears at it's simple statement of grief

I was glad that Mary and I were allowed into the cafe together. As my table mates and I ate our breakfast platters, the waitress brought Mary her own bowl of chopped Sausage

I hugged her all the way home 

The Blue Lady Of Trelawnyd..a guest post

Today's post has been written by Ann Maltoff
She is my co pilot on the zip wire challenge
Ann is one of those people that light up a room by walking into it.
She wanted me to thank all of you, who have donated to her just giving page by giving you a a little background to why she chose Alzheimer's to support.
The "Blue lady" of the blog title is a description of her mum as in the latter days of her illness she would only wear clothes that were blue!

Hi John I want to say first and foremost that you are the outright winner of this Campaign! You have the most generous and kind hearted followers and dear friends on your Blog. The donations they have made in the last 24hrs has been amazing!  They have not only supported you & the Samaritans but the Alzheimers campaign as well! 

I wanted to say a personal “Thank You” to each and everyone for their help raising money for these charities. My mother Dorothy Morgan as you know passed away last February after suffering with Alzheimers for 17 years. Although this cruel disease took her bit by bit we created many happy memories, which I would like to share with your readers in the form of photographs.

My Mum was always smiling! She had the most beautiful blue eyes. When this first photograph on the left was taken she didn’t know my name but was comfortable in my presence. She lived in our village in sheltered accommodation & was able to live independently with daily support from myself and our family for a few years. We would drive up to the Gop mountain which presides over our village and sit on the white bench admiring the view.

Mum also enjoyed Christmas and visits from her great grandchildren. Although she didn’t know who they were she loved watching them play together. The last photograph on the right shows her enjoying a moment on her 90th Birthday party. Although in the late stages of Alzheimers with limited mobility and speech her spirit for life still shone through!

Please send my sincere heart felt “Thanks” to all your blog readers for their support in making a difference to the lives of these people suffering from Alzheimers who don’t have a voice…. 

Congratulations again my friend!  Catch up soon.

Love 

Ann  x

Anns just giving page is

 https://www.justgiving.com/fundraising/ann-malthoff

A Bridget Jones Night

I'd planned to go out with the affable despots tonight for a night in the pub but I didn't quite feel up to it.
I hope they understand.....of course they will.
Instead I did what any self respecting gay middle aged old pongo does when faced with the glums
I put my pyjamas on, made chicken and Thai noodles, Skyped a friend for an hour, and rearranged the living room furniture .
I also set up a cheap DVD player I had bought from the supermarket and am now sobbing myself through Amelie 

I now have an armchair for reading in

Butch

One of my colleagues at Samaritans has the nickname of Gorgeous George*
This nickname was attributed to him by a female friend of mine who has long gone from the centre , but the name stuck....because George is indeed gorgeous, buff and a very very attractive thirty something
Now George only does occasional shifts and yesterday he worked with me.
I was his mentor when he started two years ago.
We haven't seen each other for an age, so we swapped news before we started shift
I told him I was now single
He told me that he was too
He had a long term girlfriend and children.
I had a husband and dogs.
Now we are both bachelors of the parish
We counselled each other over custard creams
" Can we have a boys night out ?" George asked passing my coffee " do you play pool?" 
" I'm a 56 year old gay ......do You think I play pool?I quipped
He nodded then added
"Netball then ?" Rather helplessly....
I liked the joke
" Pool will be fine" I told him " I'll butch up!" 
I ve never played pool in my life! 
If I have to drape myself over a pool table with one leg up , I just know I'll break wind with the force of the Queen Mary's hooter! 


* not his real name

Musical Interlude

Someone has commented on one of my husband's social media pages today

I suspect it may be one of my followers though to be honest there is no way of knowing

I don't want things like this to happen 

I have never ever bad mouthed my husband here. This is a safe place for me and my feelings  and my journey during this difficult time I know I have shared with you all, but I don't want anyone to feel the need to chip in, in order to give him their two penneth worth. 

It's just not anyone's place

Now enjoy the lovely ( and very gay) Matt Alber

On a more positive note I'm still getting some donations via PayPal and by the donation page so keep em coming. It would be lovely to reach 4000£ xx

Violas

Thanks to a lateral thinking blogger, I have now recieved four more donations toward my zip wire Adventure via PayPal .This seems a good alternative to my donation page which some people have found difficult to navigate. My email for PayPal is jgsheffield@hotmail.com

Any bloggers who want to donate off line can send a cheque payable to Rhyl & NE Wales Samaritans to us at Samaritans , 23 Bedford Street, Rhyl Ll18 1SY

Right that's the money stuff done.

Last week Mr B took me to task about the state of my plant pots

" They are not up to your usual standard"  he commented looking at the barren dried earth filling each planter. 

His subtext shrieked 

" Get yer arse into gear!" 

This morning I planted them out with cheap violas. Violas are the most valiant of flowers I always think and the kitchen wall has been returned to its usual cheerful backdrop. 

Mrs Trellis stopped as I was watering and I had that conversation I was dreading. . She had heard in church about my marriage break up and wanted to check for herself.
She was pragmatic and thoughtful and diplomatic

The ponies are leaving fairly soon and as you can see the field, which had been totally overgrown only a month or do ago, has been cleared almost down to its last weed. The carcass of the Ukrainian village has now been picked bare and this week the dilapidated hen houses will be dragged to the bonfire for burning and the allotment borders of Bosoms will be dug out again in readiness for winter planting 

The robust home made hen house on stilts can then be cleaned out and made good again.

New Friends

Last night I joined a conversational Welsh class in the next village
Bugger alone knows why, as I can't speak Welsh properly at all.....but at least it's a beginners class
And I've always wanted to do it properly
There was  seven people in the group... I was the second only man there

At the " coffee and biscuit" break the only other bloke introduced himself
He's retired married, gay and comfortably friendly.
I told him immediately that I was separated
" I think you need a friend " he quipped after a time,  but I know that  he meant it,
And we shuffled over coffee cups
" my name is Jonathan !"  he said
" John" I told him
And we bumped cups
I've found a friend

Thank You Again

As Mary sunbathes in the living room window ( she has been watching the ponies come to the fence ..look hard and you can see them)  I thought I'd drop a few more thank you's for sponsoring me on the zip wire challenge 

Not only has the main total increased to nearly 3500£ ( with gift aid donations ) I have recieved several donations of cash and cheques through the post . The postal donations with accompanying addresses will be thanked directly from our Sams treasurer 

It's a wonderful thing that you all have been doing

So, here are the latest thank you's!!!!
Shirley, bad penny, dear Ilona, Ben , Heather, Helen B,and Karen thank you

The donation link is

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/johngray1

Ohh errr

In Choir tonight one of the sopranos kept smiling at me as we belted out a Swahili folk song
At half time she galloped over to hold my hand
" Youwont remember me " she cooed " But the last time I saw you ,I was naked and you put a pillow between my knees"
There was a brief silence
As our camp choirmaster fixed me with a confused stare

I'd nursed the woman on intensive care three years ago.

At The Kitchen Table

Albert has been driven from next door's back garden by the bantam cockerels who are just big enough  to stand up to him and has decided to sprawl himself in front of me as I list make at the kitchen table.
Trendy Carol sporting a loose ponytail curled over one shoulder has just had a word about coming with me to fat club. She doesn't need to go, but the company is always welcome,so Im looking for meeting that suits us both.
I know it's just a diversion, I've got much more important things to do.
Albert knows this.
He understands that I'm happy to be diverted today.
I have to sort some paperwork out for the part time job I hope to start in a month or so's time but I'm finding it a chore; the mark left by my wedding ring is haunting me somewhat and I'm struggling with the fact that I should now consider myself as single.
Two decades of feeling a part of something bigger than yourself is a hard concept to drop and let go of.......well for me it is this morning
All this is going around my head as I sit at the kitchen table
And an hour after I started I still have not completed the work form, instead I have rearranged the photos, etching and the framed fragment of ancient Kimono balanced on the radiator in front of me as Albert stretches his legs and yawns.

Joy

Mary and Liv

There hasn't been much joy here for a while now.
It was before Easter that things felt even normal .
Today a bit of joy was felt at the cottage as the Randa girls came around to complete their chores.
Jobs I had paid into their holiday fund a week or two ago.

Eve and liv with William

First they bathed tired, sore old  William in a warm bath all of his own.
Carefully they rubbed and washed him as he closed his eyes in pure bliss and I could hear them whisper to each other to " mind his bad eye !" When they poured warm water over his head
After he was lifted out, they showered him with towels and kisses which of course he adored
Then it was off to the next job after they scrubbed the bath clean of dog.

They prepared the dogs' dinners and brushed Winnie free of dead hair until she collapsed with one of her most tempestuous orgasms before feeding the ponies and filling the water butts.
It didn't take long
But it was sweet as sweet could be hearing them chatter and laugh
As the dogs galloped around like loons

disappointment

Yesterday I had an on line conversation with a former workmate who is catholic.
I asked him why he thought that the crowds celebrating the arrival of Pope Francis in Phoenix Park in Dublin were a fifth of the expected size
I expected a comment about public disillusionment with the way historic sex abuse cases were ignored and buried. I thought that trust and pride and that unshakable faith Catholicism demands of its followers has now been challenged and damaged by the public need for decency and the pragmatism of gay marriage and abortion law review.
But my friend summed up what he felt about the Catholic Church
" I'm disappointed in it " he said

Disappointment is, I think , such an underused and underestimated put down. Being disappointed in an institution or a person has a power all of it's own.
It feels quiet and dignified, but it is an insult that can wound so very much as it brings alongside it a loss of respect, trust and and sense that you expected so much better from something or someone

.
Disappointment seems much more powerful a feeling than anger or shame

The Children Act

It's been a nice afternoon. Cinema on a rainy Sunday followed by a nice Caesar salad....very civilised

We went to see The Children Act 

Not an easy or indeed enjoyable film to watch, but one that certainly had the conversation flowing over some chicken and shredded lettuce !

The film follows workaholic High Court Children Case Judge Fiona Maye ( Emma Thompson) as she faces the dilemma of a hospital wanting to transfuse blood to a boy of seventeen who is a devout Jehovah's Witness. Legally the boy (Fion Whitehead) should be treated as a child incapable of giving consent, but Maye caught up in the repressed emotional stress of her failing marriage , chooses to visit the boy in hospital to explore his thoughts and feelings about his condition, a decision which gets more complicated and messy as the meeting has a profound effect on everyone involved.

As a nurse I could see the holes in much of Ian McEwan's storyline and the film does veer from  being a fascinating glimpse into courtroom etiquette one moment and a daily unbelievable legal/ relationship drama the next.
Having said this, Emma Thompson pitches her performance just right. She is a focused, career woman who is certain of every fact in her possession . She is quick thinking, unsentimental and clear cut, so from the get go, the audience sympathy lies with her husband Jack ( Stanley Tucci) who offers affectionate meals out together and a shared bottle of wine only to have his overtures rejected
In one telling scene Fiona , explains to him that in one of her cases one conjoined twin's heart beats for both babies' survival . A clear metaphor for the state of her marriage

Maye's character is not easy, she has no banter with her devoted bland court clerk ( Jason Watkins), and she is so controlled it's almost infuriating to watch her stalk through her beautiful apartment ( to die for) where she plays her grand piano in a friendless, work orientated existence .
But the film is more an interesting study of her driven complex character, rather than a debate of the rights or wrongs of Jehovah Witness beliefs
6/10

What Are You Doing This Weekend?

We walked a 10 miles round trip to watch the show

Bank holiday weekends can be hell when you are on your own
Been to the " Book Swap " at the village hall
Came away 5£ lighter, two books heavier but did have one of Bridget's " fat bastard "scones ( which rival Auntie Glad's, they really do)
And got a big hug from the velvet voiced Linda from Well Street who I think adores me.
Tomorrow my sister in law and I are going out to lunch then to see the acclaimed The Children's Act 
And this afternoon Mary and I are going to walk from Prestatyn to Rhyl to watch the start of the Air Show

A Letter From The Director

to all of the sponsors in John's Zip Wire Adventure

"Hi John,

I would be grateful if you could thank your blog readers for their support in sponsoring you and raising such an amazing amount for our branch.  This will be an enormous help, especially for our small branch.  The funds we raise are used for our own local activities and operational costs. None of our volunteers receive payment for their input into the branch.

Donations we receive not only enable us to respond to calls for help each year as a branch via phone, text and email, but also make a difference in our local community.  For example, our volunteers deliver a range of community outreach activities, including schools, hospitals, prison and shortly custody suite.  

Last year the money we raised also enabled us to keep our branch doors open to talk face to face with local people who turn to us when they are struggling to cope.  Crucially, we recruit and train new local people each year to become listening volunteers, giving them skills and experiences that support the growth and wellbeing of our community.

Thank you each and every one for your generous donations which total such an amazing amount. And of course, our thanks to you for taking on this daredevil challenge and for all you do in supporting the branch.

Warm regards. 

Judy Peachey

Director
Rhyl & N E Wales Samaritans"

Friday Thoughts At 6 am

Last night the Trelawnyd Community Association took me out for a meal.
I was touched as it looked as though all of the committee members were there and we more or less filled the small restaurant at The Crown. 
I had the pork belly......it was bloody lovely too.
Linda from well Street made a slightly boozy and rather emotional speech about me staying in Trelawnyd, which was nice and I managed a quick reply saluting the work of the new committee

The Community Association has galvanised several new initiatives with different members running different areas. The first Women's Institute meeting had 30 women turn up on Tuesday night A new youth club seems clearly organised for late summer and the first open house coffee morning and book swap has been planned for this Saturday morning.

The Meg

I've kept busy this week. Choir Tuesday, Cinema Wednesday with my sister ( dreadful movie The Meg..not good enough for a review here!) and dinner out last night!
I've got sole responsibility for the ponies too over the next four days which will be a challenge as I've yet got the hang of slipping the mare her medication which has to be hidden inside an apple.
Be assured that I no longer wear flip flops on the field.

You blog readers have been real stars where my zip line sponsorship has been concerned. It looks as though we may even reach the £3000 mark with the gift aid added which is a phenomenal amount in anyone's eyes.
I am humbled by your generosity and by your support and I shall post a formal letter of thanks to you all from our branch director soon.
You are all stars!
Shiny loving stars!

Donate link 

Is

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/johngray1

It's 6 am or just after as I type this, and Strange as it was seem I've been awake since 5.20am
Only William and Albert are with me in bed, Albert, alert and calm is watching the field for rabbits. William, much more frail since his accident is asleep with his paws stretched out the only way pedigree dogs can only do.
I can hear Winnie snoring from downstairs, she and Mary are sharing my armchair.
The sparrows in the honeysuckle are still quiet

I've just noticed that I now sleep on the right of the double bed
For two decades I've always ever slept on the left.

I know the answer to this.......
Self preservation ...................