Disneyland For Grief


What do you do on a Sunday morning?
You get an invite to a local pet cemetery for breakfast of course !!
It was the most surreal of moments
The pet cemetery is a phenomenon I find a great deal of difficulty with
I've passed the place hundreds of times on the A55 and it looks very much like a regular cemetery save for a modern brick and glass building which houses a grand and very popular tea room which overlooks the greenlawns and gravestones.
I've always had a healthy disdain for the place
Disneyland for grief , I've always thought

But yesterday morning I found myself parking in it's neat car park with Mary in the passenger seat as moral support. We were 20 minutes early before I met the others for a cooked breakfast (!) so the both of us wandered about the graves of pets long gone.

It was a strangely emotional experience. Set in neat lawns with runner ducks wandering around like stupid wine bottles I read the emotional eulogies of "fluffy",  and of "Leo" and of "International velvet " the racehorse. So much more emotional than the aseptic gravestones of us humans , the gravestones shrieked of loss and love and pain.
A "best friend" lost, a "darling baby" gone, a "rock" mourned , we ambled past dozens of expensive headstones feeling overwhelmed by the loss shared in a safe public place......
I stopped at this grave and promptly burst into tears at it's simple statement of grief


I was glad that Mary and I were allowed into the cafe together. As my table mates and I ate our breakfast platters, the waitress brought Mary her own bowl of chopped Sausage
I hugged her all the way home 

101 comments:

  1. Drat you John. Big fat tears are prickling at my eyes too.
    I am glad that Mary was with you, and that she enjoyed a special breakfast too.

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  2. How did Mary react? Did she appear to sense she was in a place of reverence? I'm asking because just as I believe in ghostly apparitions of the human kind, I believe the same in the pet world and that dogs can sense both.

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    1. She found the statues of the dogs fascinating and sniffed at them, I have a nice photo of her doing just that

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  3. You know, I would have been disdainful too. But...you have shown a light on something I didn't really understand.
    Thank you.

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    1. Yes.. I buried all of our dogs in the garden or thefield . But it was the show of pain which the memorials described showed that there is a need for such a place

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    2. I, too, have buried all of my animals who died in our yard. We did have a small service with all of the children for our beloved old Boxer, Pearl, but most have gone unremarked. I will say though that my beloved rooster, Elvis, has been given place of prominence in the front yard where he can look after all of us the way he so faithfully looked after his flock. I have a St. Francis ceramic tile there and a Buddha statue. His grave is shaded by a wild azalea and a firespike which draws hummingbirds. I love him being there. It makes me feel somehow safer. I really did love that rooster. Who knows why? Not me. But I did.

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  4. Pet cemeteries and all of the associated expense seem like a western indulgence. In my opinion, the money would be better spent on helping people who dwell in The Third World to live easier and more healthy lives.

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    1. Money can actually be spent on both .. when it comes to death and loved ones, it is a personal decision that other people don't need to worry about it.

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    2. Well said Candice !

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    3. As I said, a western indulgence.

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    4. Anonymous9:46 am

      I agree with you YP and would go further and say that all the money spent on human funerals is also an indulgence.

      Traveller

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    5. I’m also with YP on this. I admit to having had my 'girls' cremated, they are in the back of my wardrobe. We have always intended to downsize our home eventually, and I wouldn't want to leave them behind, so, they'll be placed in the garden of our final home.
      The family all know though, when I go, pop me in a cardboard box, and do some good with the money instead!

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    6. I agree, but each to their own. If it brings comfort what harm is it?

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  5. Barbara Anne11:59 pm

    How touching. Thanks for a new perspective.

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  6. Oh dear I would be blubbering all the way to and from such a joint.

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  7. A few words expressing a huge loss. When you're going through grief, something so simple and direct has such immediate impact on a tender open heart. Glad you and Mary then had a good breakfast with the company of others. Mary must have felt doubly happy, special breakfast and bonus cuddles going home :) woof!

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    1. She was incredibly polite too..which is typical of her when she's out of her pack. She calms down

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  8. When Tate died , my standard Poodle who had been with us through all sorts of adventures, but was cut down by a tumor on his spleen !!
    We had arranged for the vet to come to our house and shoot him full of pain relievers because she did not euthanize.
    So that morning I lay on the floor beside him with arms wrapped around him and whispered to him how much we loved him and what a Good Boy he was. She gave him his shot and he went to sleep.
    One reason why it has been hard to get another dog ..

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    1. I've always got another dog... my heart just needs them

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  9. I've never been in a pet cemetery. They tend to close after going bankrupt here in Canada. My cat HRH's ashes are in a lovely feline-themed memorial box on top of my computer table.

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    1. Perhaps it's so cold there it's hard to dig the graves

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  10. People I know get really upset, it seems over people who "overdo it" about their animals, but having a cat now myself, I can see how they are absolutely members of the family, and whatever it takes to remember them in the way one wants seems okay with me.

    This is an interesting post and an interesting idea.

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    1. You feel what you FEEL ....that's what I think Harry

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    2. Harry, I have come to believe that "people" getting upset or not should not make one bit of difference to me/you/anybody. It is your grief, your loss, your decision .. your business. I have cats .. one is very very old. Every day with him is a gift at this point. I will grieve when he is gone. And there is no one, anywhere, that has a right to comment in some snide self satisfied and judgemental way that I or anyone else who mourns a loss is doing it the wrong way etc. F* them .

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  11. When my black lab became crippled and could no longer walk, I thought I handled it well. Called the vet, we put him in the back of our utility vehicle that he loved to ride in, and he was relieved of his pain in less than a minute. Our neighbor dug his grave where it can be seen from my front window, and he took his last ride. (We live out in the country, all of our pets are buried around the acreage.) A few weeks later ran across pet memorial stones on Amazon and just broke down. The finality of the loss just hit me.

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    1. Been there my sweet.. my last ride with meg was somewhat similar xx

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  12. Over the years I have learnt that my memories of a person or animal are better prompted by photos or stories and I really don't care what happened to their remains so long as it was respectful. I do completely relate to the inscriptions though, what dog is not a mate and what pet is not part of the family?

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  13. When Kirby, Winston and thehamish died we had them cremated at the Pet Cemetery. They each are in beautiful silk covered boxes. When I die I want to be cremated and our ashes spread together. They all got me through some horrible tough times and spent some wonderful days together. I love them.

    cheers, parsnip and badger

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  14. My dear Airedale Alice is in the front garden. I chat to her when I'm out there mowing the lawns or weeding etc. Our pets are in our hearts for all time.

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    1. That's lovely Kate. We don't need pet cemeteries or carved headstones to remember our departed pets.

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    2. Yes Finlay and Meg are in the front garden , between the roses

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    3. That is so sweet Kate!
      Two of our cats are where a butterfly bush was. Now I have to give them another plant, just not sure what yet.

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  15. Our late Monty lies under a Peach tree at Haddock's (my veg' garden). As it is Peach season he gets chatted to quite often at the moment. He has a stone plaque with his name; no message.

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  16. I would be in tears too . . .
    There has been no other love than the love
    I feel for my “little yippy ball of fluff.”

    And for the word on the gravestone,
    with the ache in your heart of late,
    the word MATE . . . alone . . . would have done me in . . .

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    1. Yes it was that simple word that finished me off

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  17. Awww. Having been devastated over the loss of our Airedale whom I see in every photo of William and Mary (in miniature of course!) I've got tears in my eyes too <3

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    1. Yup. Love terriers, especially those black and tan guys with the eyes you can get lost in and the ears that have such a nuanced vocabulary. not so much the chewing, chasing stuff! xo

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  18. We buried our dog Lucy on the smallholding and planted a sweet chestnut tree by her and hung her tag on the tree.Seemed a good memorial.
    There was a pet burial place in Ipswich but it was very expensive and went out of business and is now a private house. Suffolk people are probably too pragmatic to spend out on a gravestone!I wonder what all the pet owners thought about that. Seemed a bit sad - no longer able to visit the graves and what did the new owners do with all the headstones?

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    1. I suspect most of the revenue comes from the tea room

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  19. MaggieB7:29 am

    Was this with some of your fellow members of the Community Choir?

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  20. I was wandering around the woods at Portmeirion and came across a pet cemetery, a lovely peaceful setting. Some of the graves were well attended, being neat and tidy. I read the headstones and the tears flowed. As I was making my way back to the village a couple stopped and asked me where it was. I gave them brief directions but couldn't stop and chat, I was trying hard to hold back the tears. I needed to be alone with my thoughts.

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    1. Yes it catches you like that

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    2. Powerscourt Estate in Wicklow also has an old pet cemetery. One epitaph in particular disturbed and haunted me greatly; I later emailed the estate to ask if they had the backstory, but they said they did not. Here is a little post about some of the epitaphs (including the one about Jyp and Tim) I found online: http://spanishexposition.blogspot.com/2008/06/pet-cemetary.html

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  21. I've driven the A55 more times than I can think if and never knew that was there. Human graveyards get me melancholy, I think a pet cemetery would finish me off. I'm glad you had Mary with you ... and that she also got a cooked breakfast 😊

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  22. I love human graveyards, but don't want to be buried myself ... not sure how I feel about a pet cemetery. I know only too well that the loss of a pet can be more devastating and have a greater impact on our daily lives sometimes than the loss of a family member. I have three of my cats in the garden but before I lived somewhere with enough space I left them at the vets for disposal. Each to their own - to me, the body is just a shell.

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    1. I love graveyards too but the memorials compared with the animal cemetery seem so dull and lifeless

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  23. I don't mind graveyards, but don't know about having a tearooms in one.
    Is it wrong to say that I am only turning 50 but have already bought my spot next to my parents, and will take my cats ashes with me when it is my turn?

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    1. We had a discussion about that. How we would feel if a burial was going on whilst we are our scones

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  24. Each to their own when it comes to the death of a beloved pet. My two rescued oldies were cremated, but I'm still not ready to scatter them in the forest they loved the most. I would find a pet cemetery to hard to take and I'm not at all surprised that the Max headstone reduced you to tears.

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    1. I had Mabel cremated , I couldn't have lifted her out of the car

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  25. Somehow I find the story of that dog which went to its master's grave every day and eventually died of grief (by not eating) on the spot more emotional than I do a human's grief for an animal. Imagine - a dog which refuses food. Unthinkable.

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    1. A depressed dog will just pine itself to death...

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  26. We lost our lovely girl Star two years ago and her ashes are still in the back bedroom, as we can't quite bear to part with her yet. Maybe we'll scatter her in the park that she loved, someday.

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  27. I can be the most judgemental of people but when it comes to grief and loss and mourning, I pretty much give most people a pass. Unless you have been there, you kind of don't know what you are talking about ..

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    1. Yes, Candice, but that applies to both ends of the spectrum. Just because I didn't keep ashes in urns, bought a burial place, doesn't mean that those cats dying whilst sharing a roof with me weren't baked to my heart.

      When I say "baked to my heart", I mean I really liked them, they liked me - but I never "humanized" them. By the same token I don't get why humans refer to themselves or other people as a dog's/cat's "mummy/daddy"; people referring to their grown up children's pets as "grand pup". WHAT? I am sorry, it nauseates me.

      Of all the comments here, I agree, in part, with YP's comment; most certainly with both Kylie's and, particularly, Tom Stephenson's.

      Anyway, back to the gist of your post, John: It's quite illuminating, John, isn't it, having to revise one's preconceptions? Do a U-turn as it were.

      U

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    2. I have self insight . Some people do not

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    3. That's great, John. Being open to having "insight" is the only way forward.

      As an aside, maybe vaguely amusing to you, I regressed a couple of days ago. Something happened (it involved the Farmer's Market, eggs, yes, really, the big things in life are made of little consequence) which threw all my anticipation and joy into some sort of Munch's "Cry" relief ("relief" as in art - in absence of google, ask Tom, Rachel or Cro).

      It was literally like a piece of whatever is your poison when you are three years old dangled in front of you, only to be pulled away. I didn't throw a tantrum. I was wide eyed at what little can constitute such heartfelt disappointment at the world. And yes, that wide eyed look has annoyed more people than one.

      U

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    4. U .. I was not referring to you or anything you posted. It was only about me ...

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  28. The love I have for the animals I have lost is imprinted on my heart forever.

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  29. Well, I love all cemeteries, but one of my favorites ever is the Hartsdale Pet Cemetery in New York, the oldest and largest pet cemetery is the US. We spent an entire afternoon there, and indeed, some of the epitaphs were absolutely heart rending. I wept buckets...

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  30. No cemeteries for either myself or my animals. Cremations all around, with our ashes getting dumped together into one big pot. Forever, you know?

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    1. Yes I always wanted to be buried in Trelawnyd and always got my husband to promise he would see to it.... that ship has now sailed unfortunately

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    2. John, sorry to budge in once more. Chris's ship may have sailed. You are still in the dock. Nothing stopping you from making your wishes clear. That's what wills and executors are for.

      Anyway, if I understand English (and Welsh) law correctly you will be buried where you live. Which is why, having found the perfect graveyard, I may have to rent a place in another part of town just to book a six foot under in a most marvellous setting I recently discovered. Marvellous for me in anticipation, marvellous for those who come to visit me to sit in silence - for once.

      U

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    3. You can be buried anywhere provided they'll accept you - pressure on space may mean that some local authority-run cemeteries restrict usage to those living in the area, or charge a higher price for non-residents. Green burial parks and privately run cemeteries will usually accept anyone. No law involved

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  31. No one really appreciates the comfort one gets from a dog friend when one is in distress until it happens John. There have been times over the last eighteen months when I think I would have gone under had it not been for my treasured friend Tess.

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  32. Each to their own re. the pet cemetery. Humans and pets are the same once dead. Dead. Bury to keep them away from scavengers or give to a crematorium for disposal. Memories are what you have left and are the important bit, in your head, every day, no travel required.

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  33. I'd never heard of pet cemeteries. I'd heard of people burying their pets in their back garden, but an entire cemetery? I can fully understand it being more emotional than the usual human cemetery.

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  34. I have 3 dearly loved cats buried in my garden. Each has a shrub specially bought for them on top, instead of a stone or marker. I have no pets now, as I couldn't bear the trauma of losing one again.

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  35. I've always loved this epitaph on the tombstone of Queen Victoria's beloved King Charles Spaniel, Dash.

    Here lies
    DASH
    The favourite spaniel of Her Majesty Queen Victoria
    In his 10th year
    His attachment was without selfishness
    His playfulness without malice
    His fidelity without deceit
    READER
    If you would be beloved and die regretted
    Profit by the example of
    DASH

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  36. I've been to Brynford John...on business so it speak..I've passed the cemetery many many times on my way to Trelawnyd and wondered just what it was like there.Only when you know the loss of a much loved family pet do you realise how much it stings. The cemetery has been there a long time and taken pets from abroad too. A pet may be the only friend a person may have

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  37. This may seem odd, but I took my young son to one last year so we could walk around. To see photos on the markers and read the sweet words of a broken heart was hard. We also learned that people bury their horses. One of them was 22 years old! Seeing all the tombstones moved us and we had to read each of them as he had to know how old the animals were when they died. There are also some lovely sculptures and benches to reflect throughout.
    A few people came by to visit their pets. This was a good way for our son to see how people deal with grief and that loved ones are not forgotten.

    When we had to put our 16 year old dog down this summer we had her cremated and he became angry that we did not choose to bury her. We understood and explained we had never planned for that. Her ashes are in a engraved box, in his room and he will decide if she goes in the garden or stay with him right where she is. For now we have painted memorial stones that will go in the garden. 3 cats and 1 dog will never be forgotten in this home and honored as they should be.

    XO

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  38. Yes, I was really saddened too.

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  39. And I have to ask, what's the difference between "My blog list," and "Blog List?"

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    1. Good point. Why, of all people, haven't I noticed that before? I am not any longer on either. I am that hidden secret in the loft; no, make it the cellar. It's cooler.

      U

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    2. I've never noticed that before

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  40. My life revolves around my weenie girls (Sister is diabetic and had cataracts removed). I love them every bit as much as if they were my children and since they are fourteen, I can't bear the thought of losing them. As I have said before, I just pray there is a dog heaven, because that is where I want to go, if they'll let me. I've lost so many dogs in my life, but it never gets easier. It destroys me, therefore, though they bring me true joy, I'll never have another as my heart can't break anymore.

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    1. I'll always keep dogs me thinks even though they break your heart

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  41. That last gravestone was so touching, a shout of love. I don't know if I have the fortitude to visit a pet cemetery.

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  42. Anonymous7:38 pm

    My husband had a dachshund who lived for 23 years. He loved to chase groundhogs into their holes and, in later years, he would get stuck in the hole and my husband would have to pull him out by his tail. When he finally died, he was buried down the groundhog hole.

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  43. That has made me cry especially as we have just lost Troy our bull terrier. We have buried him in our garden. I love the epitaphs as they seem so much more personal. xxx

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    1. I've always wanted a bull terrier.. my brother had one and she was a delight

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    2. I still have a miniature bullie, they are a delight. x

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  44. It took me almost 2 years to feel ok to scatter the ashes of our Springer spaniel ‘Poppy’ . They are beneath an old oak tree on a woodland walk about 5 mins from my house , I always say ‘Hello Poppy , you were a lovely dog’ every time I pass . Sounds silly , but it helps .

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  45. This post bought back so many good memories of love and loss of the pets in my life they have all left their mark, I worry that I could die before my present dog he is a rescue and can be quite nasty but I have his respect and won him over but it was a long time coming and I doubt he could go through a change as he does not warm up to strangers.

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  46. Our furry family members are cremated and the ashes brought home.

    One boy had part of his ashes scattered near a river in the mountains that bears his name. The rest is waiting for the right time to be buried.

    Our last girl is partially dispersed as well. She's under a lilac bush. Planted where she loved to lie in the sun.

    The boys want to deal with the remains of the dogs.

    Current dog is nearing the end of his life. He's snoring on a rug at my feet as I type. He too will be cremated when the time comes. He will also have a shrub planted. (we have a very large garden).

    John, is it possible to pre-purchase the plot you wish for your use? Then pre-arrange the burial. I know that packages are offered by the funeral homes here for this.


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  47. How sad! Olga is well into middle age and I think about this more and more...

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  48. Anonymous8:06 am

    I know how you feel and I'm sorry for your loss. My dog Bella died at dallas pet cremation 2 weeks ago and until now we're still trying to cope up and missing her. Bella is died from accident and it's very traumatic to the family. I hope someday we find peace.

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