A Grey Day

I met my friend Polly for lunch at Bryn Williams https://portheirias.com/.

A grey day 

I need a shave

 

Another Time/ Another Country

Rol and I, at another time, in another country

 When I was 20 I sort of fell in love with my best friend Rol

I didn’t understand the feeling, for sure.

I didn’t even understand I was Gay at the time

But in that clumsy, awkward, oblivious ,adolescent way…

I fell in love.

That secret, unrequited sort of love with a six foot, extrovert  rugby playing straight bloke who was destined for university, marriage and fatherhood in The Midlands

Our friendship waned after he went to Oxford and University  and I went nursing, and like many heterosexual men, he never really kept in touch although over the last forty years our paths have crossed at odd opportunities and situations and I was always aware of his general news as my friendship with his younger sister Nia has continued even after she emigrated to Australia. 

Our “parting” wasn’t a tragic separation, there was too much going on, for that to be the case, but it hurt a little at the time…. the way only things hurt when you are a gauche, immature , young man who had no real idea of who and what he was……

Last week Rol messaged me through social media and asked to meet. 

I was intrigued and happy to do so and this morning we met up at y shed.over coffee.

A brummie accented grandad and an almost 60 year old gay divorcee with a mild hangover

It was strange as we had never sat down together, alone and on a 1 to 1 for almost four decades but the years melted away as we chatted  and caught up. For me, it wasn’t a return to those uncooked unrequited  Love days…how could it have been ?  we both are very different people now , but it was a nostalgic and gentle nod to a friendship which was important to both of us in a country and a time so different from today. 

Now, the reason for the reunion turned out to be a serious health scare during lockdown . 

A reminder that people that matter and who mattered need to be touched base with.

No apologies for not keeping in touch for all those years

There is no need for apologies 

And we were both moved to tears by the catch up and the feelings that we shared.

We hugged each other firmly as we said our goodbyes.

Hugged for the good past times and the memories

Hugged for the shared uncertainties of approaching our sixties

And hugged for the fact we are still here ………..

And as we hugged Rol kissed me gently on the cheek 

A gesture that moved me greatly.

Normality

Just having three guests 

Fills the cottage

I haven’t had more than one visitor here for a year and a half

and having serious, funny, raucous, and important conversations over dinner and wine 

feeds your soul and makes things seem so much nicer than they did before

 

Bum Marks

 I’ve just given the cottage a once over

The bathroom is spruced and the kitchen and living room are immaculate 

I’ve got friends coming around for supper. 

The first time I’ve had friends around since before lockdown 

On the hall wall there is a scuff mark

One day I will paint over it but not yet.

I hope my guests don’t think I’m a slob

But to be honest I don’t care if they do.

The scuff mark is of William’s bum

He loved to rub it on the wall and did so until he squealed in painful pleasure

The marks are  layers of Welsh terrier hair oil

Left with much delight and satisfaction over several years

One day, I will paint over them

But not yet

William, a few weeks before he died

Friday Night

Terms of Endearment

Do you know someone who has the gift of the gab?

Someone who is clever in communicating?

Someone articulate with words?

But the words ring insincere, self serving and false when spoken?

I’ve been contacted by two such people in two days 

After the first I was minimal in my replies, but the conversation and my lack of chutzpah  bugged me and I kept  thinking of a film scene that I couldn’t quite remember clearly enough

I kept musing about of Meryl Streep sort pulling a face

Before the second conversation I remembered the film scene which was haunting me

I was in Sainsbury’s by the udon noodles, and I said out loud Shirley MacLaine! When I recalled the scene  properly .

In 1983 James L Brooks made Terms of Endearment. For those few that may not have seen it, it is a comedy/drama Autumnal love story between eccentric neighbours , the middle aged  Aurora and Garrett,  (Shirley MacLaine & Jack Nickleson )as well being a study of mother/ daughter love between MacLaine’s character Aurora and her feisty daughter Emma played by Debra Winger.

In one pivotal scene the cowardly  Garrett finishes his budding relationship with Aurora and does so with all the right words, “ sincere” reflections and articulations but  the humiliated Aurora, who sees through his insincerity, just sits there and vomits out a reply of “ Blah, Blah,Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah , Blah ………Blah.

” 

It’s a clever play by Brooks who lets the scene speak for itself…I’m sure that last Blah was improvised

My second unsatisfactory  conversation was today. It was with Someone who just wanted something from me  A shallow request 

I replied with an equivalent of Endearment’s  Blah Blah BLAH 

Not Meryl today , but with Shirley’s Aurora , totally on board.

Hey ho

A Fart At The Doctors

I just bloody knew that I needed a longer dose of antibiotics,

So why didn’t I say anything on Monday ?

Strange that nurses who act as advocates for their patients cannot quite be advocates for themselves 

Sick of feeling ill I had a mini tantrum at the doctor’s surgery this morning 

I was tired after night shift which galvanised me.

And a little sick of being let down by people

Within a minute of said tantrum, I had sorted longer term antibiotics, a blood test , other investigations and a review date.

I was a force to be challenged 

I was magnificent , even with a kidney infection, 

I was a Chubby Meryl Streep pre Oscar

 

I was so het up and pumped that when I asked the receptionist for some specimen bottles 

I farted very loudly with the stress of it all 

The receptionist had the good grace to blush but to say nothing

I burst out laughing 

The first time this week

I’m trying hard to be light x

Chatsworth

 

It’s time I return to one of my favourite places 

Chatsworth House in Derbyshire

I was only thinking the other day about when I last visited this grand old house and it must be almost sixteen years ago now.

When I lived in Sheffield, only 14 miles away to the North East, Chatsworth was a favourite destination on a weekend, whether it was for an amble through the house and gardens. A visit to the famous shop, which was located in the old shire horse stables out on the estate, or just to walk by the river below the garden terraces.

In a fit of nostalgia I’ve arranged to meet an old friend from Sheffield there in December 

It’s a four hour round trip for me , but it will be worth going even if it is for just the day 

To say hello again to The Veiled Vestal by Monti will be a highlight

It will be like saying “So you’re here again” to an old friend.

Off sick again

Blood tests and investigations 

More antibiotics

Hey ho

Food

 I’m back on nights until Saturday morning.

Saturday night I’m having a dinner party

After writing those words, I’ve realised just how old fashioned I am

Apparently people don’t “ do” dinner parties anymore .

They just do food.

Chic Eleanor is one guest and our friends Sara & Pask are the others. Pask is a colourful Italian doctor who is a real natural foodie, which raises the stress of what food to pick somewhat, but I’ve made it easy on myself and have kept things simple . Eleanor will bring with her the starters and the others will bring the desert. 

I will be cooking an all-in-on chicken, rice , olive dish from Spain

Last time they all came, Eleanor dropped some red hot french beans into Pask’s lap, causing him to tear off his trousers, ones that needed sponging down, leaving him to finish the dinner in his underpants.

That was a first at Bwthyn y Llan.

Anyway it will be nice to have a houseful again.

I’ve been collecting a nice set of cutlery over the past couple of years, buying the odd spoon and knife from John Lewis every time I go. I now have enough for four guests to use all at once, but this morning I realised I don’t own four matching cup and saucers, so popped down to Sainsbury’s and bought two to make up a set. 

That’s as far as I go with pushing the boat out.

 

The Eternals

 

After exceeding the 25 minimal singers for choir I felt as I did at school at being picked second last for the football team ( last was Darren Jones with the special Built up Right shoe) 

I was told that I couldn’t attend !

At a loose end, I went to see The Eternals hoping it was going to be as entertaining as Dune

It wasn’t 

I’m not going to attempt to tell you the plot. 

Suffice to say it’s a overlong, over complicated ,mismatch superhero film based loosely on Greek mythology 

Like The Great British Bake Off , The Eternals ticks every minority box 

This eclectic group of 10 heroes is fucking eclectic , a Latin leader ( Salma Hayek) a gay black boffin (Brian Tyree Henry), a deaf heroine ( Lauren Ridloff from The Walking Dead), as well as the acting lips that is Angelina Jolie, an incredibly wooden, very Scottish Richard Madden as well as other English Asian and American Indian and Irish actors. 

Who I did like was the addition of the mountainous Korean actor Ma Dong Seok ( the surprising hero from the Korean zombie movie hit Train To Busan ) He gave the whole movie a bit of heart.

I had to text my nephew Leo of my disappointment even before the final credits rolled 

He wasn’t surprised

The 18 year old, superhero fan hadn’t bothered to see it yet

Just as the film started choir messaged me, and told me I could attend as there had been a cancellation 

Hey ho

Ma Dong Seok and the acting lips Jolie

Giselle

Three years ago I went to see the breathtaking ballet Giselle at the Royal Opera House. 

The whole production blew me away

I see it returned to London just a few days ago

And the whole production can be streamed on line from the beginning of December 

Catch it if you can

Disappointed I can’t go to choir tonight , because of covid numbers are being limited to 25 

It was my only Tuesday free until Christmas too which is another bummer…I’m rostered to work every choir night until then….

Off to the cinema later in an effort to brighten my mood , going to see the big boys film The Eternals 

Out

Off to bed early .

Rather poignantly Miriam Margolyes in her recent autobiography revealed that she regretted coming out to her mother. On reflection she thought it was unkind.

She celebrates coming out in general, of course, but now thinks it is wrong to do so with people who are “ not equipped to cope with the information “ 

How sad she has carried around with her that guilt for all of these years.

I’m still not feeling 100%

Back to the doctors tomorrow

 

Winnie’s Rose

I’m sat in my office. 

Perusing the cost of new washing machines.

I hadn’t factored the fact that my Samsung wasn’t immortal.

More juggling of finances are in order.

Hey ho.

The gravedigger arrived early today and drove through my field to access the new cemetery with his mini digger . Village Elder Islwyn was there too. He loaned the digger briefly to landscape some of the more uneven parts of my field . 

While I have been ill, he has taken it upon himself to clear the Glebe of rubbish and detritus, which was kind.

Islwyn loves a project.

I’ve missed some village news. The Village Community Association has started to clear the village pond and opened up their loaned chipper to the rest of the village over last weekend. I will walk up later to check on how much they’ve done , guilty a little that I wasn’t able to help. 

I also missed the soup lunch at the Hall on Saturday, 

Trefor’s had a one word review of it

Looking unhappy, all he said was “ humm Mushroom”

I day dreamed for a while, looking at the autumn/winter colours of the gorse and the trees on the top of The Gop.

Everything is a sad dull brown.

My back garden looks just as bland I thought, then I suddenly caught a flash of bright yellow tucked away in a far corner. 

Bored with washing machines , paperwork and bills ….I went to investigate.

My rose bush “Winifred” had bloomed far late in the season.

It was a rose given to me by a friend as a memorial to the old Queen Of Sheba, and I’d never seen it flower so late in the year.

I cut two of the blooms and brought them up to the office, making my desk look cheerful 

Bored

My Vietnamese Spring Rolls

The one thing most irritating thing about feeling unwell is that it’s boring

I’m on the third day of Pivmecillnam Antibiotic and although my urine is now a clear amber I still feel lethargic and not well and still have a backache.

I’ve done laundry, odd jobs and have moved things from one place in the cottage to another , which is a thing most of us do when we feel at a bit of a loss 

The dogs have been walked, Trefor’s dressing completed and I’ve made tasty Vietnamese spring rolls with   Rice wrappers I found in my sushi drawer. 

These non fried rolls I filled with vermicelli noodles, prawns and salmon, coriander and slivers of avocado ( I didn’t have lettuce ) the dipping sauce is a simple mixture of fish sauce, lime juice, garlic, chilli, a tiny bit of sugar and water

The 2014 memorial for the Honghkou Shanghai Jews

I then watched a documentary Harbor From The Holocaust which was a moving and fascinating account of how 18,000 German Jews survived the war in Japanese occupied Shanghai . This was followed by a gentle Argentinian gay film called Hawaii which was delightful as it had a happy ending.

I cleaned Mary’s ears with antibacterial fluid then cleaned Dorothy’s so she wouldn’t feel left out. 

And I tackled a few of the eight or so magazines, which I treated myself to yesterday when I went shopping.

The magazine thing was a bit of a blast from the past when on impulse I bought copies of Private Eye, The New Yorker, Empire, Total Film, The National Geographic, Antiques & Home and Hello Magazine

I ve just made myself a decaf coffee and took some paracetamol 

Chic Eleanor has just phoned, she and our friends Sara and Pask are coming here for dinner next Saturday 
I’ve checked the clock as the light seems to have changed over the field and I’ve seen Pippa from the Rectory in her leopard print Fez walk past the cottage towards home

It’s only quarter past three

Heyho

Stew, Dumplings and Soup

I’m on the second course of antibiotics. 

I was apparently resistant to the first.  

I was hoping to feel brighter today but don’t  , so after a dog walk. I went back to bed.

That was around 8.30 am

Just after 9am the phone went. It was the builder asking if he could give me a quote for the chimney to be relined. 

He came round almost immediately, a gorgeous big bearded hunk of a guy

I didn’t have the energy to even think of flirting even if I had wanted to.

I may do when he comes to do the job

I went back to bed as soon as he had gone.

Before 10 am my mobile rang. This time it was the vets’ receptionist reminding me to pick up Mary’s meds so wearily I got dressed and  drove the 26 mile round trip to Denbigh to pick them up.

When you live alone there’s no option of asking someone else to do all the mundane things.

On the way home I bought stewing steak and suet from a little shop in Trefnant 

I haven’t eaten anything but toast in the last 24 hours and thought stew and dumplings would be comforting , given my headache, backache and the crappy weather.

I walked the dogs again, put the stew ingredients into the slow cooker and made the dumplings from scratch. Then my phone alerted again. It reminded me to go and do Trefor’s eye dressing.

That didn’t take long. The nonagenarian wanted to be off to the soup and roll lunch at the village hall.

By 3 pm, I curled up on the couch with the dogs feeling a bit sorry for myself

when there was a knock on the door 

It was the velvet voiced Linda from Well Street with a tub of soup in hand

Just what the doctor ordered

Stew and dumplings 

Bonfire Night

 

The Fireworks have been very loud in Trelawnyd tonight.

The village lies within a circle of hills so the bangs flash back and forth and echo dreadfully

The girls and I are still sat on cushions in the upstairs hallway in the warmth and darkness of the open airing cupboard.

albert is here too, he’s not stressed, he just doesn’t want to miss out . I’m watching an Extra slice of Bake Off on the ipad wrapped in a duvet

Dorothy has needed a quarter of Valium and has only hyperventilated once. Mary is sleeping fitfully

I feel bloody rough

(Sic)

I’m Laid low with a kidney infection

 

Abba

The Smell of New York and The Healing Darkness of The Theatre

 My last post wasn’t a sad one.

I was just struck by the fact that I looked so happy and rather suddenly I was transported to that hot day in New York where the air quality gave the city a smell and a feel all of its very own.

A strange, airless, slightly industrial typically New York type of atmosphere

I remember thinking that as I stopped for a moment on the High Line and squinted into the sun high over the Hudson River.

A moment and a feeling I will always remember.

Anyhow I’ve been busy today. 

I was up early with the dogs then took Bluebell to the hand wash and gave her a good seeing to with the shampoo Lance which is an incredibly therapeutic experience. I waxed her until she shone like a cornflower and vacuumed her insides until the heady stench of wet bulldog was camouflaged with the scent of lemon and antiseptic.

I picked up a coffee at the drive through then drove to the picture framers in St Asaph to pick up two “vintage” posters I had framed. The posters I bought when I went to Sitges ages ago and I found them in  their cardboard roll a couple of weeks ago when I clearing the decks.

The prints are straightforward, Japanese exhibition posters that pleased me with their simplicity.

They will govern the change of decoration in my office 

At midday I popped over to Trefor’s bungalow to check on his eye dressing ( which is doing very nicely thank you!) and after that I met a friend at Theatre Clwyd , for an afternoon performance of the play Isla. 

My friend is still deeply in grief and is finding socialising difficult so after a few aborted plans to meet up, I suggested we met at the theatre where she could “lose” herself  in the darkness and not feel obliged to say anything. 

Theatre and cinema darkness has always been a friend to me when I’ve felt brittle or lost.

Mark Lambert as Roger and Lisa Zahra as his daughter Erin

Isla promotes an interesting idea. Soon there will me more virtual assistants crooning their hushed female tones through wify, speakers, laptop and iPad than people. Lonely Roger ( Mark Lambert) is bought virtual helper Isla by his daughter Erin for him to keep occupied and busy and a strange sort of relationship is forged between man and machine as Roger’s life is complicated by an all consuming technology, lockdown isolation, and a sad loneliness that results in his frustrations being taken out with causal misogyny against his “female” companion with disastrous results  

Catrin Aaron

This co production between London’s Royal Court and Theatr Clwyd is an interesting one. Tightly directed by the theatre’s artistic lead Tamara Harvey and wonderfully acted by Lambert and by Catrin Aaron in a small but effective role as an officious policewoman, this production shows that North Wales’ lead theatre has hit the ground running.

It’s a thoughtful, incredibly funny and occasionally poignant piece of theatre which could stand its own in the west end .

New York

 Facebook reminds you of memories 

I’ve disabled the facility today 

This photo was taken exactly four years ago today

It was 75 degrees in New York City in NOVEMBER

hey ho