Please keep them coming
Ive been asleep a couple of hours before nights and these were sent in
jgsheffield@hotmail.com
Competition
My sister turned up today and as part of my birthday pressie, enhanced the front garden.
This is my view this morning, another glorious day.
On the back of this email request
The view out your office window is just lovely and it brought to mind that you might ask folks to send in photos of the view from one of their windows at home. Not necessarily for voting as to which is prettiest, etc, but just to share our lives a tad more. Your choice!
Hugs! Barbara Anne
Please send me your photos of a view from your window.
Just a bit of fun.....email me jgsheffield@hotmail.com
The Wind In The Trees
Who needs to go away, my garden this morning
It’s Sunday morning and my first lie in for ages.
I watched YouTube and Tictok videos with Dorothy’s head on my chest until the twentieth ping of my phone galvanised me into action.
I knew who was pinging messages, it was answers to The Velvet Voiced Linda, who runs the community Wardens group. Her weekly check ins during lockdown have been a constant during cloudier times
And it’s fitting that the warden group no longer needs such a sweet natured manager.
I had bagels and eggs for breakfast with lots of coffee, and after watering them, I put some of the house plants out into the sun for a warm
I’ve been listening to the delightful Amanda Khozi Mukwashi on Desert Island Discs and one of her childhood memories sparked an old one of mine.
Her memory, so eloquently told, was of her grandfather who allayed her childhood fears when walking in a wood by saying the noises of the trees in the wind was of them joking to each other about how she jumped to their “voices”.
When I was a staff nurse on the mother and baby unit at Bootham Park Hospital in York, I remember a patient called Zara who was incredibly poorly with Postpartum psychosis.
She was heavily medicated , slept for long, long periods and had to be supervised when caring for her newborn daughter at all times , but , daily, and in all weathers , she would ask to sit outside on a small bench where she would enjoy a cigarette and look out on the long , tree lined drive leading to Bootham Bar , one of the ancient Roman gates to the City of York.
I took my fair share of sits on that bench.
Trying to engage Zara’s waxy, and frozen countenance with snippets of small talk and bland efforts at reality orientation.
But she would stare at the giant horse chestnuts and take a draw on her cigarette and say little to nothing as her arms grew stiffer under the surges of phenothiazines as they kicked in.
One afternoon, after crying silent tears on the ward, Zara Sat with me on the bench without her cigarettes, it was breezy and the wind through the trees had made several conker cases fall onto the grass field in front of the hospital.
I caught her half smiling as they did so and I asked her what was on her mind
The trees know I’m so sad and are sending me gifts to help heal me she told me seriously and her face sort of lit up beneath the drug mask
I watched her smile and was moved.....
And for once I wasn’t going to divert her from her delusion
As comforting as it was
Anne Marie
I’m having a quiet moment in work. coffee, silent office, a tick of the clock...
It’s been a sad morning but a professionally successful one and I’m taking a minute to share some some sad news that long time supporter and follower of so many gay friendly blogs Anne Marie ( http://frommybraintomymouth.blogspot.com/) has died after a short illness.
Outspoken, and friendly for several years now she has rung me on Christmas Day with a bellowing laugh of “ GREETINGS SQUIRE JOHN” and her pithy, one line advice has followed my life for a decade now as she has loyaly followed Going Gently waving her rainbow flag
She will be missed.
59
I didn’t blog yesterday because blogger was playing up and wouldn’t allow me to download photographs.
We have had the wettest May on record this year, so the unexpected sun had us all in the garden potting up plants and weeding the planters.
I’m 59 in a few days time....
Now sometimes I feel a very old 59......and before the deserters start their usual “ Stop moaning I know a lot of people older than you you who feel vibrant and vital and young”
all I have to say to them is try wearing PPE for 12 hours in an non air conditioned environment and see how you feel as a burly support worker is peeling your white sweaty flesh from beneath blue plastic, figure hugging pinny.
12 hours in PPE makes even 25 year old nurses feel old .
Being 59 in gay years is neigh on being dead,
a phenomenon which thankfully doesn’t bother me too much as I am not particularly attracted to younger men. Unfortunately most of my fellow 59 year old gay men are attracted to younger specimens so the chance of dating someone remotely sanguine and normal is somewhat limited.
I’m not particularly arsed about all that.
How do I really feel about being 59?
Rather ambivalent to be honest
I dont feel almost 60, though it is sobering seeing the numbers written down- but I must admit that I do now walk like JohnWayne after sitting too long in at my daily car commute and I do enjoy an occasional crafty nap in an afternoon.
In 1984 my father was 59
He looked ten years old older than I do now, to be sure, but also to be fair to him, he still ran a successful business full time, was a mason and a full time councillor with a chain of office and everything.
What he didn’t do was wear PPE on a hot day....by gum if he did that the heart attack that eventually killed him at 65 would have probably occurred a great deal sooner.
He chain smoked too, something I have never done, but I concede that the nicotine probably kept him going
.... but like me he kept his hair
I can’t abide the smell of cigarettes
Gifts
I received two gifts today
The first is an absolutely beautiful crocheted blanket which consists of small intricate waves of blues and greens and purples and yellows.
The second is a hastily painted piece of art in a deep blue, which features what could be swirls of clouds over a forest of blue trees.
I absolutely adore both as both were made with affection, a certain skill and a great deal of personal time.
Perfect gifts.
Thoughtful and meaningful
The blanket was crafted by my friend Ruth over many months, and it shrieks .....class
The painting was a result of a joint paint-a-long-on-zoom with a lifelong friend Nia who lives in Australia
A much needed , fun morning in the middle of lockdown.
Loved them.
Gifts with meaning, not just a promise of something nice ,where words mean really nothing
My nephew texted me the other month and asked me what I would like for my birthday
I told him I would love an up to date photo of him and his dog which I could frame
Is that all? he asked, his Asperger’s finding some difficulty with my request
“ It’s because I haven’t seen you for a few years “ I explained and he replied with a short “Arr ok!”
Moments later came another message
“ Are you sure you don’t want a dvd? “ he asked
Ditto
I’ve always liked being a twin
Synchronicity with each other is something that has followed us all of our lives.
I messaged my sister to see what she wanted for her birthday.
I sent her my very short list which had only one item on it at the same time
On both lists we wrote
Red geraniums in pots
Men Who Sing
How fabulous is this?
The village Male Voice Choir has had a documentary made about it
A film which has its debut in Sheffield’s documentary festival in June
The film can be seen online,
It looks melancholic and rather fun
Alium Heads & Other Stories
A whole bunch of flowering aliums have had their flowering heads cut off in the back garden. They were in a clump next to the lane wall and the heads have been scattered along the path.
How odd
Animal work or pure vandalism?
Who knows
The village food bank which is set up weekly in the phone box on well Street has been emptied for the second time . Again its shelving has been removed which would indicate that the culprits have a car.
It’s a sad state of affairs as there is a need for such an initiative.
Village leader Ian came around yesterday for coffee and told me about the food bank.
He was a little saddened by it all which in itself is sad given the great strides the new Community Association ,which he helped develop, have taken over the last year.
I took time reminding him of how much a force for good the association is and how much I admire their philosophy of making things fun, and I meant what I said .
I know what it’s like to galvanise people out of inaction
It can be rewarding but often it’s a thankless job
Positive feedback the Welsh are not always good at.
Bridget who runs the food bank is stocking up again today.
I will pop down with more donations later.
She’s another minor star in the village.
I want to support the other new initiatives that are springing up: the plans for wildlife conservation at the village pond; the coffee mornings are starting up again and the wonderful Folk at the Hall returns at some stage alongside positive plans no doubt suggested by the community Council post lockdown.
Time is difficult as I’m still working full time , but I will try a little harder to support these groups of ordinary people who are striving very hard to make the village a nicer place to live in.
It’s Monday today.
This is my last week as a community Hospice Nurse.
I’ve enjoyed the experience and would like to return one day
I bought a ceramic wind chime in the shape of a fish today
It pleased me,
After I hang it , and clear the kitchen . I will take the dogs up to Lywenna ( Gentleman Farmer Ralph’s widow) to say hello
It’s time I made some time for important things
A Human Voice
It’s a powerful performance in a powerful short movie, but I did find myself missing the director’s flourishes of humour and warmth in Spanish , for A Human Voice is his first movie in English .
The film left me a bit flat as did the atrocious weather
So I’ve come home and lit the fire .
Which is now roaring an optimistic roar
Seagulls Volià
In my experience, the more stressfulll the nursing environment
the more humour between staff has to be generated.
Staff without a sense of humour, I have always thought, have to employ other less effective mechanisms of coping, which invariably lead to increased sickness time and hangovers
I’ve only just got home after a busy day
A busy, sometimes stressful but a productive day, full of sadness but brimming with colleague’s laughter
Before I left I waved to a patient I nursed in the community but who has been admitted to the hospice.
They had complained that seagulls had been knocking at their window demanding food and the ward staff had worked hard at organising something to help
Found some Christmas gin in the cupboard now watching Eurovision
I adored this
Damp
My 6.30 am coffee needs buying from the McDonald’s drive through.
I’m leaving for work shortly
It’s a grey, wet and depressing early morning and even the cheerful plants on the kitchen window sill are looking down.
Flaming June soon
Village Shenanigans
Social media has been buzzing on this most miserable of days with the news.
I’ve treated myself to low fat turkey burgers for lunch and as promised I took some photos of the garden for Lizzy D even though the rain was lashing down
Alive Again
I work in a former Victorian Holiday seaside town, which hosts a sweeping bay lined promenade housed with scores of brightly coloured hotels and bed and breakfasts .
Last night, for the first time, and glowing in the evening sun, the hotels were suddenly alive again.
From their bay windows and ornate dining rooms elderly patrons looked out again onto the sea and on the Promenade walkers passed each other in obvious good humour.
Everywhere seemed open, front doors wide, public rooms in use.
I was so moved that I almost stopped Bluebell in order to soak up the atmosphere.
I didn’t
It had been a long day
The Montana
The Montana clematis is in bloom yet again. It visits yearly like an old friend and is always perky, and beautiful and welcoming before my birthday which is on the first of June.
The arch it has been asked to make of itself is low, as I had always planned , so to enter my garden from the back gate , one has to stoop very low in order to follow the winding path up to the back door..
The garden and therefore the cottage is afforded privacy, and the back garden, now professionally sculptured by my sister, has the feel of a walled garden despite being located next to the lane.
I photographed the clematis this morning, just before I went to work.
The small tree next to it is a laburnum, albeit a slow growing one, perhaps in another decade I shall start to see its golden handing flowers clear of the ground.
I’ve no real news today.
Fat Balls
I’ve only just realised that I’ve grown a full beard .
I’ve had it tucked away beneath my mask for so long, I’ve got out of the habit of looking at my face.
I FaceTimed a Sheffield friend last night and noticed it...
I look like a pirate
Dorothy ate several bird fat balls at Trendy Carol’s the day before yesterday so has been suffering from explosive shits for the last day or so which has been lovely.
In between bouts of mopping I’ve been reading The Fine Art of Invisible Detection by Robert Goddard in the bedroom window seat
The ash trees in the corner of the Church Yard are not doing well, I’ve noticed
Minari
I went to Chester today to see Minari at the Storyhouse
A quiet study of second generation Korean family in American was a lovely choice of my first cinema trip
A man sat alone in the row in front of me waved at the audience behind him as he got comfortable and cheerfully shouted out “ Hello all.......isn’t this BLOODY fabulous ? “
We all murmured our agreement from behind our masks
And then there was a small smattering of applause..........
An Old Greek Quote
Mrs Trellis repeated this apparent old Greek Quote only yesterday,
She was less serious than when we met last
“ Happiness is when old men plant trees the Shade of which they know they will never sit in “
I think the second lockdown has made me a little low.
Would I called it a bit depressed? I’m not sure . I always hate, with a vengeance when people bandy around self diagnosing here and using the very serious descriptions of depression where something like despondency would be more appropriate.
But I concede, I’ve felt low enough to be tearful almost daily and flat enough to react in an exaggerated manner when the church laburnum was felled.
I also found myself mulling over a recent contact by my ex husband who messaged me wanting a more friendly communication .Alas it’s very easy to be magnanimous when you have moved on and you are happy and perhaps all you want are things to be neat and tidy and filed neatly and away, guilt free.
I found myself wanting more communication from him, not the best thing when you are not happy, lonely and you’ve not moved on as far as you would like.
I’ve asked him not to contact me again.
Back to Mrs Trellis’ adapted quote
I bought a replacement laburnum tree to replace the felled beauty in the graveyard and village elder, Islwyn helped me plant it
I found the whole thing rather moving
Happiness is indeed when old men plant a tree , the shade of which we will never sit in
Anyway
Dorothy passed a small plastic fish in her poo on Friday
It was popped on top of her turd like a cherry on a tart
The fish was one you find in sushi boxes filled with soy
I haven’t eaten sushi for months
Time to smile again
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