Rude

I've just been told off  by a Polish Amazon delivery driver
I saw him as he banged on the front door at lunchtime and thinking he was just selling something I let the dogs barked their heads off as I listened to Meera Syal in the BBC radio. 4 podcast of A Small Town Murder in the kitchen.
The driver banged a few times at the front door then came to the lane kitchen window where after seeing me casually sipping my tea he gestured angrily that I come to the kitchen wall.
" You are very rude ignoring me !" he remonstrated " I have a package for you!" 
And I apologised somewhat red faced
Good for him, I thought....I was being a bit of a knob hiding away

The package was a gift from Nu. It was a book she had been reading that she thought as would like , the story of the columnist Melanie Reid who had suffered a devastating spinal cord injury after falling from a horse in 2010. I shall start it this afternoon.

It's blustery today and cold . Already I've defrosted the freezer and spring cleaned the kitchen. ( guilt spurring me on after yesterday's pointless hangover)  and walked the dogs twice. Mary and I met up with policewoman Jo and her three greyhound bitches. ( Three dogs but only eleven legs ) Mrs Trellis caught up with us with Blue in tow . I noted she had her more tight fitting bobble hat on against the gales. It made her eyes squint like Micky Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany's 
Trendy Carol ( in a very nice NorthFace jacket and ski pants ) waved as she went last but the rest of the village seemed deserted due to the bad weather.
Only dog walkers like us are silly enough to be out.

Mary watching the blustery weather

Awakenings

Ive got a hangover.
I've got a hangover only because we celebrated Nu's fantastic new kitchen with gin after getting home after having  a wonderful evening at the Royal Opera House's newly opened and rather beautiful Linbury theatre.
We went to see the National Welsh dance company in their new production Awakingings , which was an amazing piece of theatre

Stunning
I've had a lovely time

3 am this morning

Fish

Found this on the kitchen wall this morning

I'm off to London to see Nu

The Boffin has a spare key

Something Quite Beautiful

I love the fact that most of us are drawn towards things of beauty.
It's what makes us human
When I lived in South Yorkshire I would often go to Chatsworth house in Derbyshire on a weekend.
My favourite object of beauty in that great house was the veiled lady, a sculpture hidden away in a hall filled with objectes collected on the Duke's grand tour
I could stand and look at her all day

In the gallery at Theatre Clwyd I saw an oil painting which I thought was quite, quite  beautiful
It was a study of a tree in a Forrest and it reminded me of a watercolour I once had . A watercolour of a blue bell wood.

I have limited funds. I have too many bills to pay but on a whim I bought it, even though it was quite expensive
It's beauty is pleasing
And am so looking  forward in bringing it home after the exhibition is over ....

Busy

More postcards today!  Thank you....theatre tonight with my twin sister...a professional and solid bit of English Rep , the stage version of the Sidney Lumet's Paul Newman movie The Verdict
Last night was choir and the pub quiz

Thievery

Shame

After her emergency hysterectomy Winnie's sex drive, has thankfully more or less disappeared. Gone have the fragrant abuse of the "slippers of sex", the masturbatory marathons against my best Laura Ashley cushions and the eager looks of ecstasy when hairy toilet parts were lowered seductively onto a pair of passing brogues.
No she's a new old lady with just one passion in her head
She has an increased passion for food.
Now for the past few months Winnie has been on a much needed diet. I am sure, given the sweet ketone nature of her breath, she is a border line diabetic and like many ladies in their seventies she has become quite pear shaped. Her new diet has shed several kilos but it has made the old girl rather obsessed with food.
Yesterday was a case in point.
In the café on  the Promenade in Colwyn Bay she spied a woman who had parked a large stroller at a nearby table and in her usual lugubrious way took herself off to investigate. I called over to the woman my usual "The old bulldog likes babies is it ok?" and the woman smiled that it was fine
Winnie looked at the baby.
The baby looked at Winnie
Then with remarkable speed Winnie walked to the back of the stroller and thrust her head in the shopping tray underneath the baby's seat.
"Ere what are you doing?" the mother called out as Winnie grabbed something fist sized and brown coloured from a bag and trotted off quick sticks like a baby hippo to the other side of the outdoor café.
Several "oooohhhhhhs" came from a couple of patrons, sipping their coffees at other tables

After a bit of wrestling and after several apologies, I later found out that she had in fact stolen a caramel covered Iced donut from Lidl.
She had not only stolen and eaten one but had obviously damaged two others in her haste and the whole incident cost me the only money I had on me . One five pound note!!!!! which the woman was not embarrassed to take

But It's NOT Art!

It's a textured painting too! 

My elder Sister and I went to a sort of workshop on painting with acrylics this afternoon
I just sat there like a Chimpanzee with a brush and trowel and bashed away in silence
I quite enjoyed playing.
My sister brought me a scotch egg to have at tea break
  

The First Time I held A Man's Hand

Over the last few weeks I have been clearing out unwanted things from the cottage
Its been a therapeutic exercise as de-cluttering always is.
Last week I came across this old paperback book

Written in ink on the dedication page was a name
I shall share the name as James Kent
It wasn't the real name written in careful neat writing.

I remember James Kent well. A strapping and ruddy faced twenty something Yorkshireman who suffered a devastating mental health breakdown seemingly out of the blue' He was admitted to our Psychiatric ward acutely distressed and seemingly psychotic after becoming unwell whilst working in a family business event . The suddenness and severity of his condition suggested a potential drug cause for the symptoms we were seeing, but he responded well to medication which allowed him to rest ( both physically and mentally) and within a few days of hiding away under the covers of his side room bed, he suddenly seemed back to his "normal" self much to the relief of his parents and two younger sisters. He denied drug use vehemently  and seemed happy in going home a week after he was admitted.
James and I were roughly the same age, I was perhaps three years older and because we got on in friendly terms the ward manager suggested I continued to see James "for a supportive chat" every week or so after he was eventually discharged. In hindsight I now suspect that that she had an inkling something more was going on under the surface and that by seeing me, a junior and inexperienced but totally nonthreatening nurse, things may be unearthed.

and that's exactly what happened.

On his second or third visit James brought along a mental health self help book with him. He told me he was trying to understand what had happened to him but the book was written by a journalist and although pragmatic and "common sense" in nature the book proved to be of little help to a young man trying to make sense of something that seemed profoundly unreal and frightening for him.
He gave me the book as a gift when he left that session

James' next visit was the difficult one. He was sullen and quiet and tearful. A family party had ended badly for him and he had gotten into a fight with his mother who had suggested that he leave the family home to live with an uncle who also worked in the family firm.
It was this family spat that precipitated this crisis
I had no experience of the devastating effects childhood sexual abuse has on any individual, for I was but a junior nurse, but in front of me, this young man spilled his guts that his uncle had abused him for years from the age of seven or eight.
I was totally and utterly out of my depth, as I  had never heard such terrible things in my naïve 24 year old life, but I went with things and let him vomit away the pain for the very first time and as he did so I held his cold, thick wristed hand as my grandfather would have done if I had cried so deeply.
He cried for an absolute age

I saw James just once more after this meeting and it was when "I handed him over" to the psychologist who took over with his much needed therapy. James was pale but managed a smile and afterwards the ward manager debriefed me in her office where I said I was "just fine"
but this was the 1980s and I had absolutely no training in this area whatsoever

I remember walking home to my flat in Acomb from the central York hospital. I walked alongside the river Ouze for a while, next to the houses which had their flood gates locked against potential flooding.

and I had a long grown up cry

Albert Missing

Last night Albert didn't come home
He was missing this morning, and his food bowl was full at teatime when I called the dogs for supper.
The last and only time this happened was when he broke his leg in the lane and was collapsed in the garden.
Mary and I went to search for him before The Archers , with no result and so on the way back we popped into neighbour Trevor's house so I could give him his daily anticoagulant Injection.
I tied Mary to the stair banister and was just about to go into the living room to administer the meds when Albert shot out of Trevor's kitchen with a wide eyed look of " where the fuck have you been?"
He must of followed me into the house during yesterday's injection visit.
Trevor hadn't a flying clue he's just had a lodger
And Albert head butted each of the dogs in turn before he said hello to me

The Best Advice Your Father Gave You?

I'm on holiday

My first since September.

I caught up with ordinary jobs today

Shampooed Bluebell
Paid the fuel bill

Got spare door keys cut

Shopping

Pick up dog medicine 

Haircut

There was a new girl working in the barbers today.

She chewed gum and looked bored

As usual I asked about her and her life

I find that's the best approach with bored hairdressers.

"I don't talk about politics " the girl explained when I asked her about what customers chat to her about. " My father always told me not to open my mouth about things I don't understand...if you do, " he said,"you look like a tit!" 

"Good advice!" I agreed

What is the best bit of advice your father ever gave you? 

I'd be interested to know

Cafe

I spent nearly two and a half hours in my favourite cafe today.
I read 2 newspapers and people watched.
I shared my table with a chatty new age father with his baby and then an old couple from Frodsham
Later I overheard a slightly abusive conversation between a lesbian couple where one was berating the other's dress sense stating that she hadn't made an effort for her
When they left I mouthed at the woman on the receiving end of the insult that she looked " mighty fine ".
She didn't see

Pointers for singletons

Rain man at Theatre Clwyd last night

Yesterday after my review of The Aftermath,  Sue In Suffolk (https://attheendofasuffolklane.blogspot.com/) talked about her reticence of going to the cinema on her own .
I wanted to share a few thoughts to singletons...add to the list please

This past year I have so many things alone. Things I used to do as a part of a couple and sometimes it's hard.
And sometimes it's not.
Now I've always enjoyed going to the cinema on my own, I'm lucky in that respect but everything else can be a trial especially as you can be judged somewhat as being a singleton
Only last night I witnessed such prejudice
I had gone to see the stage production of Rain Man which was ok, not sparking but ok , and directly in front of me was another singleton like me, a man in his sixties . Now as he waited for the production to start he occupied his time reading a book and the woman next to me noticed this and nudged her husband as if it was the oddest thing she ever saw.
I glared at her and she noticed my disapproval...
Ignorant fucking bitch

And so ....just get out there and do it.....and cinema is a great start as many singletons go to the cinema as it's a safe start?..and cinema will lead to other activities believe me....
Here are a few helpful rules

1. If you go to a cafe or restaurant always take a book, an iPad, laptop or your phone with you. You can look busy and industrious and generally it stops pitying glances
2. Don't go to the places you used to frequent with your hubby unless you are ready to do so. I still can't go to our fav Thai restaurant as it would be just too painful a journey even though I've been invited by friends. New places will provide you with a new strength.
3. Have a leap of faith!  ....my first night at choir started off as an incredibly stressful moment but after one of my fellow basses, a friendly Tenor and the 1940s moustached choir master broke the ice , I felt a whole lot better 
4. Do the single thing in bursts only. Buffer your 'alone' night outs  with friends and family. Things won't feel so hard to complete
5. Pick talks and lectures and art activities as one offs....if they don't suit , you can walk away easily, but if you enjoy them , you can always go back for more.
6. Plan things every week. Don't stay home alone too much.
7. Do something worthy.....volunteer your time to something
8. If someone asks you to do something do it  if you are up to it! Gorgeous Dave asked me to play badminton with him and initially I said no as I just thought he was being kind ....he wasn't ...and after I said yes...it was fun!
9. Don't underestimate the company of an old dog in public
10. Cry when you're upset and you need to  but try not to indulge .....  
11. Things go tits up all the time and so many ' married' people just don't understand ....so try not to get pissed off by them ( it's hard)
12. Find a favourite place .....mine is Sheffield, Chester's Storyhouse  and Colwyn Bay Beach ....go there often
13. See your friends....even if it cost too much to do so  ......I am seeing Nu next Weekend....my touchstone, my rock ......
14. Even if you are like me, a slob.......wash your face, wear your best Walking Dead T shirt and go out with your teeth brushed and hair combed  
15. Realise that Things will be shit x
16. Catch up with old friends

..I hope this helps xx

The Aftermath

Heavy on visual metaphor, The Aftermath is a beautiful looking film which is all about grief.
Set in a winters 1945 Hamburg, a matter of months after the end of the war, we see a city in ruins.

The allied fire bombing destroyed thousands and the survivors and their English victors now reside in an uneasy peace with the senior Army staff occupying the best German houses.

One such house is shared between former architect Stefan Lubert (Alexander Skarsgård) his daughter and the Morgans- British Army Colonel and his wife Keira Knightly and Jason Clarke)and as the British try to maintain order amongst the starving and destitute population the situation allows for an affair to begin between Lubert and Mrs Morgan.

Of course the affair is nothing to do with lust ( Skarsgard does however look mighty fine in his period knitwear!!!) no the four people sharing the house are just a reflection of the city they inhabit for they have all been damaged and scarred by loss and grief.

The Morgan's lost a son in the blitz. The Lubert's a wife and mother during the operation Gomorrah fire bombing) and set against the claustrophobic backdrop of a grand German house in the snow, each of the protagonists deal with their own grief in their own way.

Nicely acted and beautifully shot by Franz Lustig, The Aftermath isn't a profound film, but it's a very watchable a worthy attempt to show the more hidden aspects of wartime grief.

Cinema this afternoon and Theatre this evening. Hey ho

No Swearing

I got my arse into gear this evening and went to play badminton with Georgous Dave.
They say physical exercise is good for your mental health
So I scrubbed my face, donned my new trackie bottoms ( the ones with no holes in the crutch) and dug out my second best walking dead T shirt!
GD reminded me that there were several other players in the sports hall this evening
" You can't swear as much as you normally do !" he prompted looking nervously at the other players

Having said this I did manage a few" C#€TS ,several " OH BOLLOCKS !!" and a good half dozen "TWAT, SHIT ARSEHOLES" 
Before he beat me 2-1
" You played well" GD  told me as we walked off the court, with hardly a sweat on
I tried to look suitably sporty
But this is how I looked when I got home

You Lazy Fat C#€]!

In one night off the other, in another night

It can be a punishing timetable

Winnie has accepted today's lethargy until a 3pm breaking point and in a fit of exasperated irritation and boredom has just decided that enough is fucking well enough, and has forced  me with very fat bear paws and some marked halitosis to face the world, albeit through gritted teeth and some very bad hair.

The Flower Show

Daffodils on my field wall this morning

On Monday I had a meeting with a couple of members of the dynamic Trelawnyd Community Association.
On the back of huge successes with inititives such as the village youth club, coffee mornings, fund raising and the like, the association has turned it's attention into resurrecting the flower show and so have come to me as a sort of technical advisor.
Last year I resigned from the Flower Show Committee on the back of putting the cottage up for sale and moving away . As everyone knows best laid plans never quite work out they way you think they would and now a year later and for the time being I'm still here, but my resignation prompted the old committee to leave the Show too, and leave it on a high.
Now a new committee want to resurrect the Show albeit in a new form and I'm glad.
I'm glad that the baton is being passed on

I look forward in entering

Friends

Recently I have felt let down by one friend
I understand they have their own shit to deal with
But They really did let me down
And uncharacteristically I told them so

As soon as I said my piece , I knew I had done the right thing
Carrying around the bad feeling does us both a disservice
I told them I was unhappy
And they accepted the fact

And we are still best friends

Hey ho

How many of us have done this??.....

Iqude

We sang another African song tonight. It was an old one most of the Choir knew well.
I just La la-Ed my way through it.
I knocked my fellow veteran bass Peter's water bottle over during the wonderfully moving "Flame" by Susie Prater and I caught one one the tenor ladies ( Tena ladies!) looking at the ever widening puddle at his feet  with very big eyes.

I Thought You Were Dead!

Reunions can be weird occasions
Apart from the usual, wonderfully uplifting moments when you catch up with someone you have liked, respected and in-my-case been silly with over two decades ago , you have to deal with catching up with people that you perhaps just tolerated professionally and not really clicked with.
On Saturday I had to deal with several insensitive encounters with people who asked about The Prof. I thought I parried them rather well I thought until one now retired nurse went on and on and on about how she couldn't believe we were no longer together 
I countered with the rather unforgiving I thought YOU were dead!  Comment
It made me laugh anyway.

During another uncomfortable meeting another friend seeing me buttonholed by a bore slid his hand in mine and gave it a squeeze of support.
For the most part the whole evening was an evening of those sort of hand squeezes.
Hand squeezes, bear hugs and kindness.
I even had the offer of a home if I ever wanted to move back to Yorkshire,
A verbal hand hold
Indeed....when my old friend Kim , the unit's former psychologist, left the reunion with me after a fifteen year gap, we walked all the way down from Weston Park to the city centre hand in hand, like teenagers after a school dance.

Best laid plans

Sheffield Dawn

I'll post photos of last night's bunfight when i'm sent them, suffice to say that last night was odd, nostalgic,surprising,exhausing,fun and overwhelmingly thoughtful.
Ive had to forgo a planned booked breakfast with another friend this morning as I forgot to leave Cameron the cottage key. The dogs have water and were fed well before i left yesterday. But the carpets will be a fright!
So im on the dawn train home, full of feedback from old
Old sister Eaton's epitaph seemed to be " a professional" matron sarah is regerred to as" fair and respected."
I'll settle for the general consensus of my time at spines
" You were bloody fun" seemed to be the words most used

Not the best photo but you get the gist

Ps. Got home 11.30 am....dogs asleep....few wee stains on kitchen mat...no poos!
All fine