Rain man at Theatre Clwyd last night
Yesterday after my review of The Aftermath, Sue In Suffolk (https://attheendofasuffolklane.blogspot.com/) talked about her reticence of going to the cinema on her own .
I wanted to share a few thoughts to singletons...add to the list please
This past year I have so many things alone. Things I used to do as a part of a couple and sometimes it's hard.
And sometimes it's not.
Now I've always enjoyed going to the cinema on my own, I'm lucky in that respect but everything else can be a trial especially as you can be judged somewhat as being a singleton
Only last night I witnessed such prejudice
I had gone to see the stage production of Rain Man which was ok, not sparking but ok , and directly in front of me was another singleton like me, a man in his sixties . Now as he waited for the production to start he occupied his time reading a book and the woman next to me noticed this and nudged her husband as if it was the oddest thing she ever saw.
I glared at her and she noticed my disapproval...
Ignorant fucking bitch
And so ....just get out there and do it.....and cinema is a great start as many singletons go to the cinema as it's a safe start?..and cinema will lead to other activities believe me....
Here are a few helpful rules
- If you go to a cafe or restaurant always take a book, an iPad, laptop or your phone with you. You can look busy and industrious and generally it stops pitying glances
- Don't go to the places you used to frequent with your hubby unless you are ready to do so. I still can't go to our fav Thai restaurant as it would be just too painful a journey even though I've been invited by friends. New places will provide you with a new strength.
- Have a leap of faith! ....my first night at choir started off as an incredibly stressful moment but after one of my fellow basses, a friendly Tenor and the 1940s moustached choir master broke the ice , I felt a whole lot better
- Do the single thing in bursts only. Buffer your 'alone' night outs with friends and family. Things won't feel so hard to complete
- Pick talks and lectures and art activities as one offs....if they don't suit , you can walk away easily, but if you enjoy them , you can always go back for more.
- Plan things every week. Don't stay home alone too much.
- Do something worthy.....volunteer your time to something
- If someone asks you to do something do it if you are up to it! Gorgeous Dave asked me to play badminton with him and initially I said no as I just thought he was being kind ....he wasn't ...and after I said yes...it was fun!
- Don't underestimate the company of an old dog in public
- Cry when you're upset and you need to but try not to indulge .....
- Things go tits up all the time and so many ' married' people just don't understand ....so try not to get pissed off by them ( it's hard)
- Find a favourite place .....mine is Sheffield, Chester's Storyhouse and Colwyn Bay Beach ....go there often
- See your friends....even if it cost too much to do so ......I am seeing Nu next Weekend....my touchstone, my rock ......
- Even if you are like me, a slob.......wash your face, wear your best Walking Dead T shirt and go out with your teeth brushed and hair combed
- Realise that Things will be shit x
- Catch up with old friends
..I hope this helps xx
How kind of you to think all this through and put it together, not only for Sue but for everyone in this situation!
ReplyDeleteThoughtful tips. I would like to add another one...
ReplyDelete17. Get some comfy walking boots and plan some long country walks. Ordnance survey maps will help. Walk away some of your self-consciousness and observe what is going on in the world as you walk along.
Good idea old friend
DeleteI think the list is an indication of the progress you have made, whether you realize it or not. It bothers me that you are still crying everyday. Maybe you should stop looking at certain twitter feeds!! I think things will become easier for you when all the legalities are over. Then, at least you will now what your position is and can move on from there. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI am a widow and I can still cry over some sweet memory and I think that is absolutely normal.
DeleteI still think to myself Oh H would love this or I wish he was here to see this...when you have lived with someone and shared everything and loved them,it is absolutely normal to miss them and there is no Time limit. I guess some people have not had the experience. And perhaps should refrain from comments.
Judgemental cunt!
ReplyDeleteMe or the woman
DeleteWhat stellar suggestions that may apply to all of us sooner or later. Ta.
ReplyDeleteI, too, suggest you keep away from the twitter feeds that hurt your feelings. Why go there?
Hugs all around!
I am worn out just by reading this list of activity. I can add from my experience the necessity to breathe occasionally.
ReplyDeleteI love this list, it is very helpful. When I became a widow I found it easy to dine alone at my favorite Indian restaurant which is a buffet. That way I pay and then get my own food, a nice thing about buffets, no wait for food to be brought to my table.
ReplyDeleteTerra, that is such a helpful tip !I have a hard time eating alone in restaurants ...early days I just called the local take-out places. I still can't stomach the idea of eating pizza.
DeleteWhen I go into the den of wolves, I always dress to the nines...someone always approaches with a compliment or curiosity. Don't you 'curiosity kill the cat?' You don't get hurt.
ReplyDeleteThis is kind of you to write this for Sue and I am sure there are others out there that can benefit from your words as well. I love Sue's blog and greatly admire her for her many accomplishments. I think both you and Sue can teach us all a lot.
ReplyDeleteVery nicely done.
ReplyDeleteA post like this makes me sad, not for being single and alone but for all the years I spent married and never did anything as a couple like you describe. Off topic and possibly annoying,forgive me, but do you ever think ex will read a post like this? I wouldn't want him to know I cried every day for him...not that I did, especially over his stupid Twitter feed. [pls don't be angry or rude, it was just a thought.]
ReplyDeletelizzy
Even when I was married I did a lot of things on my own. Movies in the afternoon perfect, walks or just window shopping and getting a coffee.
ReplyDeleteI even drove myself home from hospital when the doctor said do not drive yourself. He couldn't be bothered. Even after I supported him when he was starting his business.
The x is an ass
cheers, parsnip
I did many things alone while I was married. It took me a long time to realise that my husbands lack of interest in going anywhere with me was one of his systems of abuse. When I did realise I did what I could alone or with my kids.
ReplyDeleteMy seniors group is full of singles and widows and my trivia team is a mixed group.
I think feeling comfortable is partly in our own minds. Couples culture is very dominating but there are other niches if we look for them
Kylie, thank you for saying this. I also was married to an emotionally abusive man who refused to do things with me. Reading this has brought a tightening sensation to my chest, but also a sense of relief that I finally escaped.
DeleteJohn, sorry for using your post for my own purposes ;)
Good advice from the wise voice of experience.
ReplyDeleteOne of the greatest 'ice-breakers' is a puppy. When I left college I had just acquired a young scruffy dog, and I could hardly move without people stopping to stroke him, and chat. I would recommend it to anyone feeling alone.
ReplyDeleteOh I totally agree!
DeleteI have been "single" most of my life. After retiring from a 38 year career, I moved to a community where I knew no one. I love doing things alone...love my own company. I volunteer, create art, read, walk my dogs, eat out, enjoy theater and music events and I have met many wonderful and caring people from all walks of life. I consider myself a "social introvert." I love myself and others much more than I did when I worked in a public job. My best advice-learn to say yes or no, and sometimes loving yourself is the most important action to living a fulfilling life.
ReplyDeleteVery good advice... much better than mine
DeletePoint 6 hurts so much. Whatever happened that things have to turn out so harsh. It's not a question, I admire your self restraint, more a deep felt grief.
ReplyDeleteHugs from Amsterdam
I amended it, no point in hurting others
DeleteI believe a good sharp knife between the ribs does wonders
DeleteWhat sensible advice John. I disagree with the comments about not needing to cry every day. For God’s sake, you’re coping with a bereavement.... and one you had no say in. My ex of those is that they hit you in the solar plexus at the most unexpected times, and you have to accept that peeps!
ReplyDeleteYou’re doing great John. It. Will. Get. Better.
Really sweet advice John. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteWhat an extraordinarily sensible list John, you are so courageous in how you face your life. And hurt does go away eventually. X
ReplyDeleteExcellent list , I would agree with YP about the walking , also keep your eyes open for people who (, for whatever reasons , can’t exercise their dogs and offer to walk them . People nearly always chat when you have a dog with you x
ReplyDeleteAlso keeping a journal of some sort is great for expressing thoughts or just registering how your life is going . I have found it most therapeutic .
DeleteOr write a blog x
DeleteYes , I could never be as eloquent as you , tho but !
DeleteI am not a young man, John, and have faced many threats to my well-being, but you have just enlarged my definition of bravery.
ReplyDeleteThanks x
DeleteGood on you John there's a lot of well thought out coping suggestions on your list at some point even in a good marriage one person will end up alone.
ReplyDeleteThat's a brilliant list - and I don't think crying every day is a bad thing. You're still grieving, and (for the benefit of Liz D above) I don't think JG is 'crying over his ex' I think he is crying over the loss of the future they'd planned together. Very different.
ReplyDeleteWhen I separated from my ex many years ago I took a policy decision to accept every invitation I got for the next six months. I went to some pretty awful events but by the end of that time I'd made new friends and learned what I didn't want to do. Good for you John, you are definitely into 'convalescent' stage!
That was such a thoughtful list, John, and probably a help to more than just one of your followers. Number 6 might not be the fault of the family. When my son broke up with his partner I SO wanted to contact her. She started a new venture and I wanted to wish her luck but was told I mustn't. I still think of her.
ReplyDeleteI used to take my knitting with me, and still do if going anywhere where I shall be on my own. Nothing like knitting a sock, shoves the world elsewhere, calms the soul.
ReplyDeleteJohn, brilliant! Your are constantly evolving, and your light stays bright even if sometimes it switches off momentarily. And you are a teacher of others, for in your painful journey you are giving light and hope to others that they will get through their own difficult time. Well done. Vx
Thank you for the list John. A kind thought.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any problem doing things alone. Just haven't been to the cinema on my own.......didn't go with Col either!
And I DON'T want a dog!!
The couple we visited and they visited us and I thought were friends haven't bothered to keep in contact much since Col died. I don't have many friends otherwise but have 3 lovely children and their partners and 3 gorgeous grandchildren.
I stopped crying after a while because it was too tiring. I'm just gritting my teeth and getting on with life the only way I know.
Not brave just realistic.
My advice to you JG is don't read twitter and carry on enjoying all the things you are doing.
Good advice old bean x
DeleteLess of the old please!! I know another birthday is approaching in April but I'm still not old enough for the bloody pension - thanks to whichever government it was who upped the age
DeleteLol....post amended as I overdosed on being patronising xx
DeleteGood response Sue.
DeleteGlad to hear you are seeing Nu this week end John - I have kept hoping you would as I know how much she means to you.
ReplyDeleteI would agree about your list, except to say that I think it is probably harder for a woman to go to the cinema alone than it is for a man.
As for in-laws - I haven't heard from any of mine either, but I have learned over the last two years to live with it - remember it is early days for you yet.
And I would also agree with Sue - however tempted you are - do not go anywhere near Twitter.
Good advice John x
ReplyDeleteMy my husband left me in 2010 and while I never had a problem taking a book to a restaurant my kids were grown and I still wanted to travel. So taking my courage in both hands I took a JustYou trip to Turkey and LOVED it . Been to Peru, Cuba - 12 trips in all so far. Not always singles groups but have loved every trip. In fact I arrived in Sri Lanka 3 hours ago to start my next trip. Have made 4 long term friends on these trips - but if you love to travel and are NOT looking for a partner (I'm not) they are great. Just scary the first time!
ReplyDeleteYour post took my thoughts back to when I was single, it was for a couple of years, and very different to you as I had a couple of young children, which got me out each day. You are right some (only some) couples were horrible, but the worse was the ones who would always find you a partner so I was never alone when out, I hated it and stopped going out with them.
ReplyDeleteAnd don't assume that all of the couples you see are happy!
ReplyDeleteI'm married and do almost everything on my own. Even when visiting relatives we are often in separate rooms or separate ends of the room. I think the best advice I could give anyone single or in a couple is - self care. Take good care of yourself and maybe someone will notice and want to take care of you too.
ReplyDeleteGreat list. Another tip for eating out alone, in a nice restaurant take a seat at the bar and watch the bartenders work, some restaurants have a bar overlooking the kitchen - another nice place to sit when going solo. For the past 10 years, we lived apart for work 38 weeks of each year.
ReplyDeleteI'm married now but before that I lived on my own for around 7½ years so I understand your dilemma. Definitely don't stay home alone too much. I found all sorts of things to do to get me out of my bedsit - visiting museums and galleries, going to the seaside, taking a book to a local cafe. Staying at home for too long always gets depressing and deflating sooner or later.
ReplyDeleteThat's a very good list. Thanks John.
ReplyDeleteAnd even then there will be times that nothing helps....but a good sobbing cry. I find that I'm jealous when I see old couples walking together. I think that should have been me. I get up, make the bed, put on makeup dress and go out to stores and run errands. He's still gone....
ReplyDeleteI've been part of a couple for nearly twenty years now, but have no issues going out on my own if that's how things work. I've gone to movies and dinners and plays and such alone, when Carlos was working and couldn't come along.
ReplyDeleteIt does take a moment to get used to,but it's nice, actually.
As for the old bitty glaring at the man, perhaps she'd never seen a book before?
You are a generous soul, John. And have a lot of wisdom.
ReplyDeletein a world where everyone is hooked on their phone it is refreshing to see people reading books in public. I do tend to take my kindle with me if I think I will have to wait anywhere. That probably looks like I am on a tablet but I am for sure reading. Bet the stupid woman hasnt read a book since school and if she has it was probably 50 shades of grey. Sorry you had to see someone being an idiot like that. Shows her ignorance, he could have been waiting for a companion, or reading ready for an assignment at uni. People are silly sometimes.
ReplyDeleteWelcome to my world!!! One of the things I loved about being in a relationship was the feeling that I finally "belonged" in the crowd. It's as if single people all have something wrong with them.
ReplyDeleteIn my experience, although in very different contexts, the thing about being reluctant to return to places because memories of them may distress you, like the Thai restaurant, is that it is best to return and reclaim the places rather than avoid them; by which I mean build new memories of the places, and good memories, so that they become new places of the present rather than old haunts. This may not make sense, but it has worked for me.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend who will benefit from reading your list. Thanks.
ReplyDeleteThat's a good list John. With regard to cinema going, I remember the first time I went on my own. It felt very liberating, but a lone man did chose to sit next to me, despite there being plenty of free seats. I expect it was the herding instinct.
ReplyDeleteWise advice my friend.
ReplyDeleteI also think it is healthy to come to terms with being single. One can't always look at the negative aspect of it. For me one of the positives is the independence. I can do what I want when I want. I do believe coupled people take pity when they see you alone in a café or public place. They should not assume things just because your alone. It never bothered me going out alone. A lady once said to me at a gay establishment, "Such a shame a nice looking guy like you is here alone without a boyfriend." I was madder than hell. I replied, Oh it's ok really, I needed a break from fucking my boyfriend for one night." She got red and fled.
I for one will be printing the list.
ReplyDeleteI am in awe, John! Hard won wisdom! It is an amazing amount of knowledge and I know it's not what you wished to be an expert at. And even now, you are helping others. Hugs and thumbs up to you!
ReplyDeleteJohn, you are so right with your list sometimes you just need someone else to point out these things to you. Heather
ReplyDeleteOne of my big Bugbears as a singleton is people who comment if you have a drink at home. I once spat venom at a cousin of mine who would always have to comment if we were out shopping and bought a bottle of wine or some lagers ' oooh drinking on your own '. As if I was some sort of alcoholic. So I raged at her one day, about when was I ever going to be allowed to have a glass of wine then, as I live alone. The irony is that she and her husband spend most evenings and weekends getting legless in the pub...
ReplyDeleteI realised I didn't do much on my own after my Dad died and my Mum bravely started venturing into cafes and restaurants alone. Even if she broke down and wept, as most of them they had frequented together for years. I plucked up the courage to go to the M&S cafe in Llandudno just for a coffee and a toasted teacake to try it for myself. I nearly broke down in tears when I realised the strength it had taken her to do the same in a fog of grief.
ReplyDeleteSince that day I will go ANYWHERE myself, as you suggest for others I always have my phone that I can play with if I feel the need not to simply sit.
Oh, and once I stared at a man in the cinema who was reading a book ... only because I was wondering how he could possibly see in the half light to actually read the words, I was totally jealous of his eyesight 🙃
Just stumbled across your blog b/c apparently some people came over from your blog to mine, at sightings over 60 . . . why, I don't know. Anyhow, I just have to tell you that this is such great advice for all of us, even if we're not single. You've now got a new follower.
ReplyDeleteI've gone to the cinema and the theater and music concerts many times by myself. I always used to joke that if I waited to go with someone I'd never get there! But seriously, I've never minded doing things on my own. As you said, if you take a book or something, it's no big deal.
ReplyDeleteToo soon after my husbands sudden death,I had visitors on a weekend . They mentioned wanting to get freshly picked apples from orchards nearby.
ReplyDeleteMy Sunday was spent sitting home alone while they went apple picking, came home to lunch that I made then left to go back to the City.
Sometimes no company is better💕
I married when I was 21
We were married almost 40 years. The only consolation I can think of is Time really does Heal your broken heart. Time and perhaps a puppy or kitten. They love you, no matter what❤️