Girly Lights


“ Have you any spare fairy lights? “  
The question came from the hospice social worker, a straight talking Irish woman with a ribald sense of humour
You look the sort” she added 
I was taken aback, somewhat as my day had not stopped and had revolved around constant visits to the drug room for the double checking of large amounts of morphine, and sedation and controlled drugs of all types.
Fairy lights was a new one on me.
“I may have some at home “ I told her
“ Girly ones?” the social worker asked hopefully 
“Well I think they may be Girly enough!” I said “ will pink flamingos do?” 
“Perfect “ she purred.

The social worker had been talking to one of my patients who wanted her best friends to come in to the hospice for a girly night “ in” 
The girly night is planned for tomorrow when I am on duty and the social worker wanted to set the scene well.
“Fairy lights mean girly night to me” the social worker explained 
what about the Prosecco ? “ I asked 
A support worker overheard the conversation and chipped in
Several bottles already brought in by relatives, they are in the kitchen all labelled” she said 

Hospices do these sort of appeals well.
We are especially good at organising last minute weddings too, thanks mainly to a local registrars office that will pull the stops out for such requests.

This morning I couldn’t find any flamingoes at home.
Indeed there wasn’t a set of fairly lights to be seen anywhere. 
I must have had a Scrooge moment and had thrown them all out a year or two ago
Not even a beak left. 

I bought a set of lights this morning to take in to work tomorrow.
Operation Girly night is go! 





I’ve seen it all

Fucking hard shift today, I’m off to bed 

I want this for Christmas , it’s from https://jonxifon.com/



Early Morning

 A frost, the first of the year this morning.
I’m sat at the kitchen table with the bucket of coffee at 5,45 am
And I’m shivering in my uniform 
It’s on mornings like these ( all too few in these global warming days I must admit) that I adore my new bathroom.
A boiling hot shower sets you up for the day
And chases away bad dreams, old memories and everyday worries
Winter is well and truly here
Early dark nights 
Comfort food ( a tin of chip shop curry with mini roast potatoes last night ) 
I’ve had to change Albert’s feeding place as I caught Roger standing on tip toe on the arm of the reading chair  carefully licking his bowl on the window ledge.
Now I know why he has the shits! 
Hey ho

Apps

 



Grinder is an app that tells you how close another gay man is to you. If you travel somewhere new, it is likely that you get a few “ likes” from men who are attracted to your photo, or what you say on it.
In my experience not many will read your profile.
I was sat in the Storyhouse yesterday when when my phone pinged several times.
Peter was in his 50’s married and “ a practicing bisexual for the last 20 years” 
My question of “ Haven’t you got the hang of things yet? ” fell on stoney ground. 
A faceless 18 year old wanted “ a daddy and sex”  even though my profile clearly said friends only and Phil from Chester Central told me he liked my photo and did I have any M O R E  ( body) pics?
I sent him one of Canterbury Cathedral 
He didn’t reply

A pleasant looking chap of similar age called Cynical Sam wanted to know what I was doing , and we embarked on a normal conversation about the Storyhouse and art house films . 
I’d written a short pithy paragraph about the Korean film The Host when he removed his profile and page, effectively blocking any further conversation 
another success john, I thought.
And there they all were on an app page , the faceless, the confused, the predatory, the lonely and the lost.
Cynical Sam was perhaps overly cynical in his quest for looking for a “ normal SINGLE and SORTED bloke sort…..I thought my précis on The Host was informative and funny…..
You can’t please everyone I guess.

I looked through the app page again, lots of men without shirts looking for sex. Lots of blank profiles looking at men without shirts who are looking for sex. 
A few men looking for Mr Right ,but who will happily end up with a few Mr bj in a lay-by by the Grovensor Garden centre.
Most normal looking ones proclaiming their wonderful Open Relationship status.

I chatted to a polite Polish guy who seemed nice enough. 
He liked fat guys with nice smiles
I told him he needed to practice his English.

I ordered another coffee and texted a friend who gossiped about this and that and the other.
Nu messaged me too and I told her what film I was going to watch.
She said it had great reviews 😊

The coffee came and I opened my phone again
Another “ like” this time from “Hung in Saltney🌈”

What am I doing ? I said to myself 
And I deleted the app on my phone for good before sipping my coffee

Decision To Leave

 

The director Park Chan-Wook must have loved Hitchcock’s Vertigo for he has used the old master’s basic idea of a Policeman idolising a Femme fatale and has turned it into a classy, character led mystery film noir which is part elegant romance part psychological whodunnit.
It’s a class act.
Here the murder detective Hay-joon  (Park Hae-il), a somber, insomniac of a character investigates the seemingly obvious suicide of a man who keeps the photos of his beaten wife on his phone. 
The wife, Saoare ( a stunning Tang Wei) is interviewed by Joon who is instantly captivated by her enigmatic personality and efforts to understand the  Korean language ( she is Chinese) and the film through a succession of complicated twists and turns follows their relationship, subsequent other murders and Joon’s relationship with his bemused wife
I’ve over simplified things here for the director and actors have crafted a real work of art in this movie that I can’t quite articulate adequately. Both Hae-il and Wei have a strength and an amazing presence in front of the camera and their relationship dances in front of the audience with all of the subtlety and delicacy of the beautiful and expensive sushi the pair share quietly in one pivotal scene.
It’s a cracking movie 




People Watching


 Last nite was all a bit of a drama . 

Thankfully it's all settled down and there's been no more shinnagains . 

I've worked on a presentation for college this morning . Then gave Trendy Carol ( who was wearing something formal in denim ) a lift to.pick her car.up.from the garage.

I'm.in the storyhouse cafe " people watching" before going to see a Korean.movie 

I like this place. The atmosphere. The music..The feeling of the place. It feels.like a traditional forum 

Review later


Trick or Treat


 One little zombie knocked on the door tonight and I had nothing for her, not even a pound coin.
I didn’t recognise her from the village but told her to come back for a treat.
She said she would 
Last night’s egging of the cottage has grown a little more menacing as I found later today that Bluebell was targeted too and four solar garden lights and a planter fully of fading geraniums were stolen .
Tonight the planters on the garden wall were pushed over, smashing two and with the dogs barking I was out quick sticks but saw nothing. 
I’ve had four home phone calls too, all hang ups with no numbers available 

It’s all feeling a bit personal now

Egging


 I’ve collected the last of the garden flowers this morning and placed them in a small vase on the window ledge.

Someone egged the kitchen windows and the back of the cottage last night. With five or six eggs all told 

It was around ten pm. I heard the dogs barking in the kitchen thought it was the stray cat trying to be through the cat flap again

Most had hit the cottage render rather than the windows but it was a devil to get off the glass

I wonder why it was done, no trick or treaters around
And the car has been egged too, I’ve just noticed …and several of my solar lights in the back garden are missing


Bros


 Gay Rom Com Mainstream American movies are as rare as hens teeth
Rom coms are sanitized by the nature of the beast so a Rom com that features all aspects of the LGBTQ+ rainbow, which includes throuples, grindr sex, and the like seems a bit of a challenge.
The Rom com itself centres upon Bobby  a loud, brittle but generally self reliant gay history museum curator ( played by Billy Eichner ) he meets shirtless beefcake lawyer Aaron ( Luke Macfarland) and the usual boy finds boy, boy looses boy, boy finds boy formula starts against a backdrop of a sassy script, sharp observations of the modern gay lifestyle and a pride of what’s gone on in the past. 
The comedy is sweet enough ( ultimately a little too sentimental) which is a surprise given the drug taking, sex filled, and shallow lives the leads are shown to live. 
But Eichner and Macfarland do have a nice chemistry on screen and by the end I was shedding a tear, not only when the two finally get together to agree to “date monogamously  “ but when friends of the couple , each, not surprisingly,  representing each part of the LGBTQ+ community ( and obligatory straight best friend) joyously dance together at a museum party,
A lovely scene of inclusivity 

Sunday

 
Look closely and you can see the remains of the nest

The weather has changed and everyone’s heating is on today. 
The wind is from the South West and has been strong enough to loosen the rook’s nest in the last remaining living ash in the graveyard. 
Parts of it, we watched fall during a quick walk.
Incidentally I found parts of my blue plastic earphones in Roger’s poo
I wondered where they had gone.

I’ve done little in 24 hours, only going out to the garage to buy my tearful neighbour a pick me up bag of treats, a few flowers, ice cream, chocolate raisins and 2 gossip magazines.
We all need a treat when we are fed up.

I’ve watched this weeks Bake off and this week’s Walking Dead and needing a bit of company texted a friend to see if they wanted to see the gay rom com BROS later today 
They will……hurrah 


I popped into my Ruth/Ben/John messenger group earlier after I heard the tragic news from Seoul. Ben lives there with his family and a few virtual hugs were shared as they told us that they are all ok. 
I miss working with them both 

The Goonies is playing on sky , but I couldn’t watch it…far too much shouting for my liking.



Older

 

I woke around 3.15 pm yesterday afternoon, which was far too early.
I heard the tinkle of water and for a moment lay in bed with Dorothy’s fat face smiling at me.
I rolled over and looked at the floor to see Roger merrily peeing inside one of my work shoes.
Beyond caring I rolled back over and slept until after 4 pm when I had to get up. 
I’m not an elastic band any more

We are all getting older 

That little nugget of philosophy seeped into my head soon after when I was chatting to a villager with a poorly spouse. Dorothy as usual was playing up as my friend was shedding a tear of worry and remained a pain when she actually snapped the chewed bit off her lead in sheer boredom when unfortunately poorly Meirion showed up so wanting to share his exciting news of a forthcoming  cholecystectomy. 
Some like Animal Helper Pat and Mrs Trellis have a sort of eternal youth about them, but as they pass the cottage, battling wind and rain and energetic dogs , some others are now looking their age and are slowing up or looking more bowed or grey.
Village Elder Islwyn still wears his yellow workman’s gear around the village but isn’t seen with his spade in hand as much as he was, and Mr Poznan cannot be viewed stilling straight on the village green as often as he once was, sat with hands resting on the top of his stick like Gandalf the Wizard.

I was a slimmer brunette when when I came to Bwthyn y Llan .
Now I kind of waddle and have my father’s hair. 
I have blogged for over sixteen years now and I’m worrying that I could have heard the last from The Weaver of Grass who was with me at the start of my journey here as she has been at the start of many such journals.






Let The Right One In

 

My fugue state of yesterday irritated me greatly
It was time for a bra strap hike
And so I took advantage of a friend’s insomnia and a quiet hour at work and arranged for us to meet in a couple of weeks time in Manchester. I’ve booked us a good deal in a hotel , a nice table at Mowgli and tickets to see Let The Right One In at the Royal Exchange . ( a theatre production of the hit Swedish film of the same name ) a play which has excellent reviews on line.
Something to look forward to, even though I can’t really afford it.
But we will go Dutch.
That’s the ticket.

Blogland has not heard from The Weaver Of Grass for a week or so. And messages are slowly starting to build on her blog asking if all is well. I hope it is . My thoughts are with her.

Checking The Boundary


 I’m not sure what I’m all about today.
It’s a nothing day as I’m back on nights. This time doing my own and not a colleague’s who had been delayed in the beautiful looking Sicily. 
I’m mourning my cancelled trip to Italy and will organise one as soon as I can afford it .

I’m sat at the kitchen table and the almond milk in my bucket of coffee has curdled. 
The oven is purring and I’m going to be making soup soon
Butternut squash, bean and chilli 
I can hear pawsteps from the bathroom
Soon Roger will jog purposefully through the kitchen and into the garden. He will do a figure of eight around the paths, give a half woof at the gate, then will watch the blackbirds or a sparrow for a while, or the bantam cockerel who still lives in the gardens west of the Church before bouncing back to the kitchen. He will stop for a head rub before sitting in the sunny spot on the living room carpet with the others. 
An hour or so later he will be off on his rounds if I haven’t gathered the troops first. 
Checking each room upstairs , before walking through the cottage and garden.
He does his rounds checking the safely of his home.

I change the radio from a depressing talk radio to the relative cheerfulness of radio 2 ( Tom Chaplin Overshoot) and I add bulbs of garlic to the roasting butternut squash. I can see crumbs lurking defiantly on the work tops. Peeking out from behind knife blocks, underneath trivets, and my Italian Moka maker.
They tease me everyday even though I damp dust everywhere each day.

The home phone has just rung. It never rings anymore. 
A scam call from Microsoft. 
I asked the call handler if his mother was proud of what he did for a living
He hung up on me
I didn’t feel any better for my comment. 

I don’t feel sad today. Just a bit flat 
Do you know the flat place where your mind wanders like a fat bee on a buddliea bush.
I wonder what my ex husband is doing. I miss him.
Then I tell myself off for feeling lonely before adding stock cubes and more water to the simmering soup 
The cottage suddenly smells of food and Dorothy ambles in sucking her gums hopefully.

It’s almost two now. 
I chase the aforementioned crumbs with a damp cloth, 
Added the roasted squash to the soup and put it on slow simmer.
And fiercely washed my face at the kitchen sink using the Molton Brown handwash Nigel had given me
It smells so go I may use it in the shower later.

Roger has just trotted out into the garden again
His home is safe and he’s content it is with a satisfied snort 

Belinda Carlisle’s True Heaven Is A Place On Earth is playing on the radio.

I ladled the soup, which I thickened with udon noodles minutes ago
It was bloody , BLOODY lovely 



The Repair Shop


I adore The Repair Shop 
What’s not to like ? A motley group of sweet experts who fix people’s dreams by repairing their broken family pieces in a single swift effort to connect old grief to some sort of comfort.
It’s lovely
And a real sob fest
Today we had King Charles, publicising his passion for apprentice work in the bespoke arts and crafts and it was a joy to see Jay Blades chatting away to him as an old mate, hand on shoulder.


King Charles is a nice guy
With passions of worth 

 

Panto Season



Yesterday was a long day. I completed my counselling lecture on line from work before doing a night shift. I know the zoom protocol usually means that you need to check your background for incriminating articles, roving pets or underwear hanging on radiators .

One of my colleagues private messaged me it’s He’s Behind You ! message as we started 


Fangs



 Last night Gorgeous Dave and I went to the 100 year anniversary showing of the 1922 classic horror movie Nosferatu  over in Chester.

It was shown in its entirety with an improvised score by The Frame Ensemble who had been specially commissioned by the British film Institute to accompany Murnau’s seminal work. 

It was a really interesting night . And a different experience enhanced by the fact that it was improvised and a total one off. I studied it at university , and loved the revisit.

Dave and I giggled away when we agreed that we felt very intellectual in a very New York Woody Allen film character kind of way.



 

The Old Policeman

A beautiful ward at Bootham Park


This morning I’ve been balancing the books. 
It’s going to be a lean and tight month all told as I’m just getting to grips with my part time pay status and tax bills.
But I got most things sorted, and was presently surprised that I’m in credit to Northern Power by 800£
Happier than I was, I took Roger down the lane to some friends,  who live in the old mill. Here we chatted and drank coffee, whilst Roger galloped like a loon around their field in the faint hope of catching their beagle bitch. 
I’ve been meaning to go down since I got him for it’s important to socialise young dogs with more characters outside his home pack.
I enjoy the socialising too as one of my fiends is a retired policeman from Yorkshire with all the sensibilities and flat vowels that I’m used to
On my way home, I was reminded of an old Yorkshire Policeman called Ken, who I had nursed in York, and of the time he saved me and my friend Tracie from a bit of a beating.

Ken was approaching 80 when I first remembered him. He had been a beat policeman and then a Sargent during the 1930s and forties and had worked in the city of York all of his life. 
A city which was rough as a bears arse come the weekends where squaddies and locals would fight after a session up Micklegate.

Mental illness had left him incredibly quiet and withdrawn and he was admitted under section and was going through a course of ECT which it was hoped would kick start him from his near catatonic state, and longs days sat in a chair staring out at nothing.
I never heard his speak once.

The ward had two sitting rooms, both ornate and carpeted in expensive maroon carpets.One was upstairs where patients could smoke and watch tv  and the other downstairs, which was quieter and used for group meetings. Ken usually sat alone downstairs, in a small alcove overlooking the grounds. He was on general observation and was not deemed a danger to himself. 

Now I was still in my early twenties , back then, and still dressed like a children’s tv presenter ( thick colourful jumpers, loud pants) and I remember one day suddenly being embroiled into a physical encounter with another sectioned patient who WAS a danger to himself and to all around him. 
This schizophrenic patient had secreted a few snooker balls into his pocket from occupational therapy and with one in his hand , had hit me with it several times before I could call for help. 

A nurse by the name of Tracie Birkin came to my aid, she was fearless, and even though she always wore substantial heels and a tight skirt and bright red lipstick, she would get stuck in with the best of them if needed. 
A barrage of snooker balls , made her rethink her usual strategy and I remember we both ran into the downstairs sitting room in an effort to garnish more help. It was there that the patient caught us and the fight continued as another member of staff who had shut herself into the ward nursery with some mums and babies , sounded the hospital alarm bell.

Now even though we knew in a matter of a minute or so each of the seven wards in the hospital would send a runner to help us, we were losing our fight. 
That was until something clicked in Ken’s head and the old policeman resurfaced with a vengeance.
Gi’Orrrrr! “ he shouted  ( Gi Orr is Yorkshire for GIVE OVER!) 
And after getting up from nowhere he swung and punched the violent patient once, very hard in the jaw , before helping him to lie down, unconscious on the carpet.
“ There’s no need for all that” he said simply helping Tracie who had lost both shoes to her feet and was sat down quietly in his chair before the runners from the wards breathlessly arrived in the doorway seconds later.

I can’t really remember if Ken ever recover properly following his ECT .
Too many patients and too many years have gone bye since he saved me and Tracie from a bit of a pounding
But I would like to think that the old guy did recover enough to go home 




You Are My Sunshine

 

Albert eventually settled down last night. 
He’s very stiff on his back leg and so I’m presuming his old injury is playing up again in the colder weather. I will ring the vet about painkillers. 
He won’t want Albert going to the surgery 

I haven’t anything planned today. 
I’ve just taken the dogs to Colwyn Bay and after walking them , sat on the wooden  promenade seating with a coffee. 
Further along, a scruffy looking woman was rocking a small dog in her arms as she sang You are my sunshine very gently to it like someone would sing to a baby.
It was so unexpectedly poignant a moment that I had to look away 


I walked the dogs all the way around to Rhos On sea, until Roger stopped pulling on his lead before we walked back and I knew the dogs were tired by then as they had stopped sniffing. We got back into Bluebell where they fell asleep and I sneaked another cup of coffee and a bacon sandwich from the Porth Eirias Cafe. 
I’ve been reading about Denmark recently mainly The Year Of Living Danishly by Helen Russell but as I was exploring what to see in Denmark on the net I came across a painting called The Drowned Fisherman by Michael Ancher which can be seen in the Danish National Gallery.
It takes your breath away, and I was captivated by its solemn beauty and the sensitivity of its subject matter.

It’s funny how much a single painting can move you and dominate your psychi. Christina’s World by Andrew Wyeth still affects me in some strange guttural way now than it did when I last saw it at New York’s MOMA back in 2014


The beautiful Drowned Fisherman by Ancher


It’s damp and Autumnal today
The woman singing You are my Sunshine has given this Sunday a melancholy I wasn’t expecting

Albert’s Pissed

 


Angry Albert has spent the night on my shoulder tonight

He’s fucked off big style 

I’ve just gone with the flow


 

I dropped Nigel at the train station in Chester at lunchtime. He didn’t want me to make him breakfast so I bought him a bar of chocolate to eat on the way home . 
It was nice to have him visit after a six year hiatus. 
I’ve known nige over 32 years. We joke together in the short hand way only old friends can and we talk bollocks for hours at a time .
The dogs wound themselves up because of the visit, but Nigel understands their ways and calmed them down with it too much effort. 
We drank wine and ate pizza and talked more
And the cottage seems very quiet again this afternoon after he had gone.
I’m falling asleep watching and old episode of The Wire