Grinder is an app that tells you how close another gay man is to you. If you travel somewhere new, it is likely that you get a few “ likes” from men who are attracted to your photo, or what you say on it.
In my experience not many will read your profile.
I was sat in the Storyhouse yesterday when when my phone pinged several times.
Peter was in his 50’s married and “ a practicing bisexual for the last 20 years”
My question of “ Haven’t you got the hang of things yet? ” fell on stoney ground.
A faceless 18 year old wanted “ a daddy and sex” even though my profile clearly said friends only and Phil from Chester Central told me he liked my photo and did I have any M O R E ( body) pics?
I sent him one of Canterbury Cathedral
He didn’t reply
A pleasant looking chap of similar age called Cynical Sam wanted to know what I was doing , and we embarked on a normal conversation about the Storyhouse and art house films .
I’d written a short pithy paragraph about the Korean film The Host when he removed his profile and page, effectively blocking any further conversation
another success john, I thought.
And there they all were on an app page , the faceless, the confused, the predatory, the lonely and the lost.
Cynical Sam was perhaps overly cynical in his quest for looking for a “ normal SINGLE and SORTED bloke sort…..I thought my précis on The Host was informative and funny…..
You can’t please everyone I guess.
I looked through the app page again, lots of men without shirts looking for sex. Lots of blank profiles looking at men without shirts who are looking for sex.
A few men looking for Mr Right ,but who will happily end up with a few Mr bj in a lay-by by the Grovensor Garden centre.
Most normal looking ones proclaiming their wonderful Open Relationship status.
I chatted to a polite Polish guy who seemed nice enough.
He liked fat guys with nice smiles
I told him he needed to practice his English.
I ordered another coffee and texted a friend who gossiped about this and that and the other.
Nu messaged me too and I told her what film I was going to watch.
She said it had great reviews 😊
The coffee came and I opened my phone again
Another “ like” this time from “Hung in Saltney🌈”
What am I doing ? I said to myself
And I deleted the app on my phone for good before sipping my coffee
I think blogger is being somewhat over sensitive
ReplyDeleteIt made me change some of the language
DeleteI agree John but I think you did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteI know a fair number of gay men who are fed up with the app and delete it. Then go back months later lol
DeleteI absolutely love your replies - they obviously have no sense of humour.! Good idea in deleting the app.
ReplyDeleteGay , straight, bi, whatever , men can be shits
DeleteAnd very sensible of you, too. How very sad that all is, though. Loneliness comes in many forms, And shows itself in many ways, as well as many forms of desperation. Desperate for sex, for friendship, for the most basic forms of human contact. Even the most trite conversational exchange. And seeing it all, together like that, demonstrates a great deal of sadness and also danger. You don't need any of that, And deleting the app. just shows your inner balance and maturity. Because sometimes recognising what you don't need is more important than reaching out for what you do. God bless you, John Grey. Not just for being you, but for making such a brave post.
ReplyDeleteLiz the first part of your reply is a mature thoughtful mini essay describing grindr far better than I just attempted to do .
DeleteIt brought a tear to my eye
Thank you
I think it was a wise decision, you are clearly not interested in what is being offered. You seem to live a full life on your own terms, don't forget that. dating Apps are a cesspool at our age, regardless of whether you are looking for men or women. If anything life has taught me, I am not missing out.
ReplyDeleteDon’t get me wrong I’m not Maria Von trapp , but I like your comment re cesspool , descriptive and right
DeleteGood for you John. Looking after yourself is self-love, standards and about what you are really seeking. Self-love is necessary to move forward. Glad you got rid of the App. You are worth more than that. Take care x
ReplyDeleteSelf respect too
DeleteRegardless of profile, there are lots of trashy people out there and it seems you've met a string of them. You might have material for a humorous book about the dating web site communications between potential dates. Your post today is a good start.
ReplyDeleteI tried to keep it light susan , if I didn’t it would sound rather tragic
DeleteGood for you in getting rid of that app ... you will only find desperate and lying individuals on those things ... regardless of what the ads proclaim!
ReplyDeleteIf you can't find a partner on your own, then just make the most of your life as you can! A lot of us have had to make that decision to just stop trying and live our lives and if someone does come along ... great!
I just don’t like many “ rules” in the gay world …
DeleteYour replies are hilarious. A good counterweight to the over all sadness of the milieu.
ReplyDeletecheers, Cecilia
I hope john is so upbeat after the local from his beloved village egged his home….someone hates him, I wonder why?
DeleteI wondered too Anon
DeleteIt seems a bit of an ordeal to meet someone when you're gay John unless it's for immmediate sex - and then there would be never a dull moment - Is there not a civilised dating agency such as dateline these days - I gave that a go and met a Roger from Johanesberg - n nn or the classic fm dating site x 🤸 🌶
ReplyDeleteA faff then John - in my opinion x 🤹
Deleteflis-immediate sex never a dull moment? - grow up and stop your schoolboy smutty humour- it's not amusing
DeleteAnon -The offer of sex is available constantly - which you didn't grasp x
DeleteIt sounds like being a gay man is even more complicated than being a straight woman, although to be fair I have never been on a dating app. Today, god only knows what I would find on such an app.
ReplyDeleteI think both have their pitfalls,
DeleteMen as we all know are more physically driven
Which is a recipe for getting your own way behaviour
Funny your should mention that App. This morning I was watching Joe Lycett pretending to be a member of ISIS on that App. In response to the question “want a blow?” He responded “Oooooh yes! What building!” Google it for some amusement
ReplyDeleteHis conversation about grindr is a cracker
DeleteLive and learn. Methinks you were wise to delete the app as there were bettern things to do. Was the film good?
ReplyDeleteHugs!
See the devious post, it was fantastic
DeletePrevious
DeleteI didn't realize that "friends only" was even an option on Grindr!
ReplyDeleteIt was on my profile.
Deletethumbs up to all the above comments. Yet your post was very entertaining.
ReplyDeleteAs it was meant to be
DeleteI’m down on the app to be sure because it’s not worked for me , but for many it’s a way of life….and good for them if it is
I put Grindr on my phone way back when it started, which was right around the time I met Dave. I remember being flabbergasted when I could tell that a guy sitting at the very next table in a restaurant was on it too. No more wondering, "Is he gay or isn't he?!" It seemed like heaven! But it quickly lost its appeal when it became evident that everyone just wanted sex. Like you, I tried to use it to meet friends, but that's not what those guys were there for.
ReplyDeleteNo, Steve , people of our age already have their friends
DeleteMy granddaughter signed me up for a liberal Democrat dating site. You have to put all sorts of info. in about yourself and then leave it up to the algorithms to send you matches. Upon reading the profiles of my matches, they all seem to be looking for "passionate, sensuous women" or their "soulmates." I'm sorry, at 75 that ship has sailed. Most men my age are looking for someone at least ten years younger. Or, as it's been said, "a nurse with a purse" to take care of them. No thanks.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, for trying x
DeleteEchoing all the above. I'm hoping that you'll meet Mr Right (in his jumper with a hole in it) somewhere where the conversation is more intelligent and meaningful than where and when you can have sex. xx
ReplyDeleteI think that ship has sailed , and I’m ok with that
DeleteYou can say that, but I think you are wrong. There is always hope.....good gravy you aren't dead yet!! ;)
DeleteIt can appear from nowhere tho' - recently I took someones fancy - Unfortunetly not a desireable suitor x 🙅
DeleteEr....that sounds predatory, actually.
ReplyDeleteIt can be Debby, frighteningly so. I would hate being a 17 year old starting out
DeleteAn interesting insight into a world I know nothing of, and would not wish to explore, even the versions for heterosexuals like me. All sounds rather unsavoury, risky and somewhat sad.
ReplyDeleteI’m sure there are people like me on it , but Yorkshire Liz has put her finger on things….
DeleteAs human contact can be on many levels and needs can be met in all sorts of unhealthy ways
Put into the category of "Seemed like a good thing at the time."
ReplyDeleteWell put
DeleteI thought your answers were hilarious!! I've also deleted all my apps. It seems men my age either want 30 yos or a mummy figure. I've also had a couple of not very good would-be-scammers (now they were hilarious!!) I've given up on actively looking for a partner. I'm perfectly happy as I am, on my own, doing whatever I like whenever I want. I sleep in the middle of my bed like a star fish and my toilet seat is always clean!!
ReplyDeleteI wish I could starfish ( bulldogs don’t allow it) but I do enjoy my hotel beds, with ice cold clean sheets
DeleteI haven’t known anyone who made “friends” on Grindr, but I haven’t known many people who admit to being on Grindr. My cousin recently told me more than I ever wanted to know about his desires and results. I thought your responses were hilarious.
ReplyDeleteI’m not ashamed of using grindr . If you need a bonk you can always find one . But it’s normality and a bit of humanity that matters…
DeleteInfidelity is easy …I know that one only too well
Your replies were all very reasonable!
ReplyDeleteIt looks like dating apps of all kinds are basically the same..or is that all basic?? It can be difficult to meet new people...but I think you are wise to delete it.
You deserve to meet the friends you want and need. Here's to success x
I have enough friends …lol
Delete"Looking for love in all the wrong places". A country song by Johnny Lee. Seems to apply here.
ReplyDeleteYes and definitions of love , vary wildly for everyone
DeleteModern life is so bizarre sometimes. Of course you can easily add the app back on, just for giggles when alone in the cafes and bored.
ReplyDeleteOr I need a bonk
DeleteSounds like the makings of a murder mystery thriller plot. Maybe your talents are wasted on the biography/ blog book!
DeleteI’m a spent force x
DeleteFurther reasons that they'll have to pry my flip-top phone from my cold, dead fingers.
ReplyDeleteOoh very charlton Heston xx
DeleteDamn, I've never been compared to that lunatic homophobe idiot before. I'm sure it was in jest. I was just reaffirming my dedication to luddite principles.
DeleteHe said the same thing about letting go of his rifle xx
DeleteThat approach would not be for me, no matter how long the month of Sundays. Perhaps it suits some people. Perhaps not you.
ReplyDeleteI gave it a go
DeleteI’m a gay lurker from The South Coast and your post has touched a real nerve with me.
DeleteI’ve been single longer than you John , and the more grindr I do , the sadder and more worthless I feel. I wish I liked myself more as you seem to do.
I haven’t deleted my app, and I doubt I ever will.
Howard.
However you decide to use the app is your own business Howard and I’m not judging it’s use. I may well return if I need to .
DeleteJust look after yourself xx
Of course I’m judging it Howard, I mean I’m not judging you for continuing
DeleteAt least nobody asked you for money! How would you have responded to that request?
ReplyDeleteI've been asked
DeleteSounds scary to me. Glad you deleted it!
ReplyDeleteI am too
DeleteGrindr? You must be sad and desperate to even go there.
ReplyDeleteBy saying "you" I meant anyone.
DeletePerhaps
DeleteYou did the right thing.
ReplyDeleteGrindr is soooooo boring!
XOXO
Many of us, myself included, do desperate things out of loneliness. It's difficult to meet people.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
There must be other people who feel more like you than those who responded to you that day and they must also feel like giving up when it happens to them. Some apps seem to almost invite such responses. I think we all have different aspects of our personalities and some are stronger at certain times of our lives or moods. But yes it is good to have some degree of normality and humanity. Life is complicated and so are we.
ReplyDeleteWell you know what to do, if you ever desire to be called daddy, or to see random pictures of various body parts. I think I would delete the app also - not really my scene.
ReplyDeleteYou just know if they don't appreciate your humour, they are going to be complete 'idiots', I was going to write something else there but, well Blogger is being very thorough these days with its censorship.
ReplyDeleteYour lonely John.... not surprising what we will do to not be lonely.. You already have more people in your life than i have ever had or will have in the future.. But i know you don't have 'the one'... and it matters... Often advice will say just go on with your life, go one being you, get involved in things that matter to you and you will meet someone with like interests on the way.. But i don't know if that advice applies to gay men.. can you meet enough gay men to find that someone if you are not actively looking for a gay man.. ?
ReplyDeleteMost of us are looking for connection but some get confused about what it is. I get the idea of just having some lighthearted (or hot and heavy), fun sex. I wish I had a lot more of it when I was young but these days I really just want connection.
ReplyDeleteI think I did grindr one day...and that was enough.
ReplyDelete