Andrew

Brothers and sisters

My brother died just as December showed its cold face in 2011

Twelve Years Ago

 I used to care for my brother every Thursday daytime. He was confined mostly to bed then, with a bubbling tracheostomy and the cruelty that is motor Neurone disease.
My presence was more a confidence boost for my sister in law , so she felt content to leave the house for a days' shopping and apart from the occasional meds round and tracheal suction  my day would be peaceful as the dogs would run amok in the garden as my brother slept or watched crap tv.
I remember one afternoon he had a coughing fit and needed his tracheostomy inner tube changed and his airways cleared .
To me this procedure is second nature but that day my brother had become irritated and difficult.
He was angry, and had no voice and as I fiddled with the tubes and catheters his eyes flashed red with anger
Moments later he slapped my hand hard as I reached forward with a suction catheter and shocked and suddenly upset I paused for just one second and said a slightly exasperated " I'm sorry" 
I remember my brother closing his eyes and flopping back on his pillow as I finished the procedure and without saying anything more I cleaned up the equipment  and busied myself with task orientation.
I was ten years younger than my brother and we couldn't be more different in personality if we tried.
I knew I would often irritate him but I never quite knew just why that was.
Initially the gay thing was an issue , but I knew it wasn't really that that irritated him now.
It was more me, my personality  and I get that, me coupled with hidden sibling rivalry  so often experienced between brothers.

I felt that slap long long after it had happened though

And I remembered my training too on spinal injuries as I watched bulldog Mabel bounce around the edge of the pond. The pond she would fall into a week later
Training which said Internal anger was so much harder to deal with than external anger.

This memory is over twelve years old now. I had to look it up on Going Gently finding the post where Mabel finally swan dived into the pond like Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure
See
https://disasterfilm.blogspot.com/2011/11/sock-down-trouser-leg.html

But I suddenly remembered it as though it was yesterday.

I also remember how the afternoon ended as an hour or two later when I went to check on my brother he gestured to a crappy quiz programme on the tv.
It was our habit to watch it together with me inanely shouting out the answers
And he gestured for me to sit to do the same
There was no need to revisit the burst of anger

It was there and it was out,

And it was finished with.

Cheers

Reading an entertaining entry on a fellow blogger's blog reminded me of a lady I "nursed" while I was on student placement to The Merseyside alcohol dependency unit at The West Cheshire Psychiatric Hospital in the 1980s.Sylvia was one of those ex colonial types, with a cut glass accent, a weather beaten face and the kind of spirit that made Britain what it was during the 1930s and 1940s, an arrogant world power.
She was, opinionated and racist, in that old fashioned sort of way that made you smile at her rather than it provoking an angry response towards her, and she had spent her life of privilege in colonial Malaya , for 40 years pickled in pink gin.

God knows just why she had been admitted to the unit. She was far too long in the tooth at 83 to successfully give up alcohol, even I as a student realised that fact, but I suspect that she had been "encouraged " to enter rehab for a formal assessment, as it was suspected that she was suffering from the start of Korsakoff’s dementia.
People suffering from Korsakoff's dementia lack vitamin B 1 due to their alcoholism, and treatment , as I recall is a combination of vitamin supplements, good nutrition and plenty of rest in addition to the "talking therapies" which aim to explore the cause of their drinking behaviour.
"Talking Therapy" was not something that Sylvia took too seriously as I recall

People that have Korsakoff's, often have great gaps in their memory which they cover up with confabulating history accounts.
In one morning group session I remember one Liverpudlian patient asking her just how much she drank before her admission
In her best Maggie Smith delivery Sylvia announced loudly and with some conviction to the group
"If you must know ......I only ever had a few little drinkies after meals!"
The Liverpudlian, missed nothing from her vague reply
"and how many meals a day did you actually have?" he asked with a smile
"34!" Sylvia called out with a triumphant cackle

Funny Men Have Feelings

 

My sister made me a Christmas Wreath 

I haven’t seen “Brian” Since the Flower Show. He’s taken early retirement and spends a great deal of his time golfing. We banter when we meet, which is usually as one of the village events and I like him.

This time, in front of a large gathering he made graphic reference to my weight. 

It was all very jolly but at the same time incredibly rude and I suddenly felt like a picked on child at school than an affable 61 year old at a village fair.

I covered up any embarrassment with a witty retort but wanted to say 

“Why say such a thing to me when you wouldn’t dream of saying it to a woman or indeed a man of lesser good nature?.”

I have no doubt that he meant to be funny

But why say anything like he did? 

It was unkind, and it left me feeling bruised 

It’s All About The People

Kelda made us two videos to share 

 I wish I had taken more of the villagers in today’s exhausting Christmas Fair

Bunty in mufti 

Dave Smith in his usual garb

Dave and Liz 

My sister Janet and Mrs Trellis

Ian and Nick

Cameron

N

Pippa and Anne

Hattie and Adam 

Cameron’s Parents

The exotic Melinka LevVey and the very sassy Loraine

Tracy Manchester with an exhausted Bridget in the background

The Manley’s 

Gwawr and Jack

The day was hard work but fun, and the TCA should be praised for their dedication 

We had a harpist 

A community choir 

And just three members of the Rhyl brass band which, despite being left in the proverbials by their colleagues managed several sets of jolly hymns 

I went for the fat bastard Christmas jumper look seeing that my Victorian outfit didn’t fit

And enjoyed my lantern making

Outland (1981)

One of my favourite actresses died yesterday 

Frances Sternhagen a renown stage and screen actress died aged 93. For many people she was known to play tough talking mothers( and grandmothers)  in the likes of Cheers, ER and Sex and the City but for me her film roles as the tough talking and loyal doctor to Sean Connery’s hero cop  in Outland and as Irene Reppler the 80 year old feisty home made flame thrower  heroine in the monster movie horror The Mist that stand out for me 

She will be missed

In The Mood

A local business sponsored our Christmas Tree at the hospice which was kind. And they set it up tonight which was also kind. My sister has been busy making wreaths for the Trelawnyd Fair and I see
 

That the Village Christmas Tree has been erected outside the hall, 

It looks cheerful enough.

The support worker I’ve been working with tonight brought me a curried Scotch egg

Which was bloody lovely.

At home tonight, my festive penguin is the centre of my decorations . I will never have a tree at home if there’s just me to see it, 

Happy Christmas xxxx 2023

 

     

This is my Christmas Card for you

My Followers

Of Happy Times when a man could love his turkey

freely and without prejudice

Its been a funny old year this year all told...... suffice to say that despite all of the shit in this world, this little part of North Wales plods along at its own particular pace and in its own inimitable way. 

There is something constant about things here, 

Going Gently isn't a notable blog, I have no insightful news references, no waspish political satire to share. it remains what it is ...a bit of whimsey where an ageing old spinster homo can complain about "cheap Christmas cards hastily written" in a world where Christmas Cards suddenly seem a creature of the past.

Idiots

Well last night’s blog entry went well.  

Apologies for not adding spoiler alert to the title.

I’ve now lost a half dozen followers 

Hey ho

Serves me right for me trying to be current.

I’m an idiot 

I’m on nights tonight, so will just potter cheaply today. I’ve had to buy a laptop for college which was a necessary but naive expense . 

Why can’t you do everything on an iPad ? I asked 

Well you can’t 

Plain and simple is the reply.

My machine is second hand and rebooted and sorted so will fit in quite nicely when I’m feeling pretentious and want to bang away at my homework in the Storyhouse cafe. 

I thought of going this morning but that’s just an extravagance. 

It’s fickle too.

And I bloody hate fickle. 

You see fickle all of the time here on social media.

Secretive and private bloggers who regurgitate great swathes of private information moments after they demand with a thin lipped, emotional just don’t ask . 

I can’t be doing with it.

I’m annoyed this morning can’t you tell? The guy who always lets his overactive spaniel loose on the walkways did so again this morning. He’s an idiot and although he accepts that his dog bothers other dogs by running into them and sticking his nose up their arses ,all he does is shout at his dog and move on. 

Dorothy and Mary have both bitten this dog several times , a fact that upsets me more that anything else. 

The dog needs to be on a lead, for his own safety. 

“ You’re  the arsehole not YOUR dog” I told him this morning, a somewhat ruder précis of the situation that the polite ones I’ve taken beforehand.

I’ve even changed the times the dogs and I take a walk so we don’t meet him

Some people are just fucking idiots

Out with anger

In with love

Matty

 

It’s really winter as Bake Off  has just finished and although the contestants this year have been a little bland it was nice to see the gentle , cheerful,  tattooed young teacher Matty win

My vote was always for Saku who acted as though she’d just stepped from an Ealing Comedy but I hope that scores of young men and boys in the country would now see Matty as a credible role model. 

I hope so

16.18

 

It’s almost twenty minutes past four

The cottage is almost dark inside, with just the gloom of late dusk illuminating my desk and grandfather clock. My knee is paining, so I sit in the miserable light for a while and write the blog .

And I hate this moment 

Almost as much as I’ve ever hated anything….ever! 

The gloom of getting home to an empty house in winter.

No cat’s tail swishing angrily against my calves 

No sharp paws 

No excited yelps and bouncy smiles from the dogs.

Home has to be reclaimed from the cold and the night

Bit by bit

Room by room 

The dinosaur fairy lights first, then the log fire, and the lamps in the living room.

The washing machine next then the radio, 

And the big Sitges bulb with its orange glow

All returning the cottage into a living place

The dogs trot in, heads up, expecting dinner

And we are complete again

My dogs and I…

And home

 

Christmas

 I’m late blogging today 

A hard shift yesterday 

An early night and a day in the library yet again .

My essay is in though, and I’m pleased. 

This week is another mixture of work, college and village

Two nights at work, college all day tomorrow with a recorded counselling skills practice to film and send in, and on Saturday it’s one of the/last set pieces for the TCA this year and that’s the Christmas Fayre 

My Mr Bumble Victorian outfit had been ordered a while ago and should be delivered by Wednesday and Bridget hits that we have a snow machine ordered !!! Which should be fun. 

A couple of the TCA lads ( lads!!! Older than me) 

Climbed up the village green trees to hang fairly lights in preparation 

It’s suddenly feeling like Christmas 

Perry

 

Clever, convoluted , witty, and challenging Grayson Perry proved to be a talented stand up comedian ,albeit one dressed as a clown crossed with Violet Elizabeth Bott.

He also enjoyed singing several home grown songs and the object of his attention was how we see ourselves , our identity, a subject I’m sure his wife helped him with, her being a psychologist of some note.

Perry is a trouper and an unapologetic storyteller

Who loved to call himself what he is, a national Treasure 

An interesting evening all told, even though Colin and I had to hurry a rather impressive meal at the Blackburn’s Arms beforehand. 

I got home around 11.30 pm and contemplated popping in to affable despot Jason’s daughter Eve’s 18th down in Dyserth. 

It was too late of course to go,  I’m on a long day in the morning , and I had called around yesterday to give Eve her gift and card, getting a lovely hug in return.

A Student Nurse

 

I got into work today to find the hospice short staffed. 

A support worker and staff nurse kindly transferred from our satellite unit to help and I allocated them to half of the patients with one of my own support workers  when I took the other half helped by a student nurse.

The student nurse was nervous, very young but bright 

She impressed me from the start when I asked her what was our priorities as soon as we hit the floor

Check on my patients she said with a smile.

It was a pleasure working alongside a young woman so open to learning

She shadowed me when I updated tearful families on changes of their relatives care and picked up on my use of language and humour when relating to another complicated patient.

On our break she asked me what my experience was in nursing and

When she heard I was originally a psychiatric nurse she nodded and laughed 

“ I thought you were something like that” 

By the end of the shift , she had planned my handover to another trained nurse and had agreed to implement it and I was leaving I overheard her explaining to some relatives an excellent précis of change of care plans with confidence and thought

And I thought how nice it was to have junior nurses of such promise on the shop floor 

When I was a charge nurse, she was the kind of nurse I used to headhunt for my spinal injury ward.

Winter

 It’s cold this morning

And I didn’t want to get up 

Dorothy didn’t either and cuddled up under the duvet, licking her lips

We listened to the wind for a while

Daring each other to move

I’m only doing a half shift at work so will finish at 1.30

I will be strict with everyone and will leave on time.

I have more study work to do for Monday 

This time an academic poster

I’m counting down the minutes I have to leave at 6.45 in order to get to work on time

Eggs on toast with coffee

My daily antibiotic has made me nauseous this morning

Feels like winter

Devipravaha

I’ve finished my essay.

I got to the satellite library just after nine and left it at 2pm

I left it because it got too noisy, travelling 12 miles west to my usual ( and very quiet ) Uni library along the coast.

Using a well heeled library in a rough part of north wales has been an eye opener for sure.

Apart from being noisy, it was a lesson in kids who probably need mountains of support and from what I could experience from my computer chair , generally got it. 

I listened from time to time, to the 1:1 guidance given to one girl with serious anxiety needs with pure admiration for the teacher/ aide, then watched as two library staff diffused the anger of a teenage boy who stormed about the facility swearing he was going to head butt some kid downstairs who had dissed him.

The activity was all too much for me.

And by 2 pm I asked the main librarian if he could find a quiet corner

He shrugged and said no he was sorry

“ I’ve never been in such a noisy library” I told him, not unkindly 

But he shrugged

“ What do you expect this is a FE college?” he said

and his resignation felt raw.

I left feeling somewhat stressed which made me feel awkward 

Give me a medical emergency or distraught relatives , life is a breeze 

Give me an unfinished essay on evidence based practice 

And I’m a mess.

And so , I drove to the quiet library and in three hours finished the essay and listed the references.

I had a massive headache on the way home 

Which was calmed by an ice cold Diet Coke and the above song gently playing on the car CD

Devipravaha is incredibly soothing to the non academic soul.

Where Does The Time Go

 This morning I took TCH * to the dentist . We have a nice barter going on. 

Dog sitting for car transport 

It’s a good deal. 

This afternoon I’ve written a quarter of my essay and mybib -ed the references. The library staff at the Rhyl satellite campus were far too loud but didn’t take exception at me asking them to keep it down

I think they thought I was a visiting member of staff.

I had a cheese toastie for lunch and sat with a group of 16 year olds who were merrily slapping each other in the faces and filming it for a laugh.

I bought some sushi for tea and fresh flowers from a struggling florist, a shop I also bought a single white cyclamen from, which I intend to give the eldest Randa girl who is 18 on Saturday along side a trendy girl clothing website voucher 

It only feels like yesterday we were disembowelling pumpkins, blowing duck eggs and back combing William until he looked like Tina Turner.

Speaking of birthdays, it’s my nephew Leo’s today

We are off the London in the New Year to see a show, that’s his gift but I’ve sent him a dvd of Oppenheimer too…and sang him a recording of Happy Birthday , sent in messenger

He’s now in his early twenties….and was non plussed with the singing

* Trendy Carol’s Hubby

Oh no Giselle

 

Giselle at Venue Cymru was produced by the vague sounding  Classical Ballet and Opera House productions.

That should have warned us.

Perhaps 200 people at a venue built for 2500 was another clue

The third indication of a totally amateurish evening was the rather hefty ballerina in the back row of the Willis ( willies) 

Janet and I got an attack of the giggles a third through the way of the first act when no one seemed to be actually dancing

Once you’d had the ROH you don’t go back.

A third rate production at a second rate theatre

What a shame

I’ve turned into someone fairly objectionable (my  troll will be moist at that statement ) 

A ballet snob!!!!!

Memories of watching the willis entering the Royal Opera House stage overran everything

Two dozen Corps de Ballet , their heads covered in veils , moving as one animal across the stage like the ghosts they were meant to be

I remember, having tears in my eyes.

And the gasp from the audience as they floated in front of us.

“We’ve been spoilt by Covent Garden ”Janet said, summing up the evening 

But we did giggle like schoolgirls on the way home

When Tourette’s collide

With some of the bad humour still evident in my earlier blog comments 

This video should make everyone smile 

Accepting and wonderful warm 

Enjoy

 

LGBTQIA+ ( spinster)

The Community is growing 

From my well known LGBT we have added QIA+, terms Im just getting used to in the gentle backwater of  North Wales

So I’ve recruited Stonewall to help clarify any confusion ( with myself)

Queer

Queer is a term used by those wanting to reject specific labels of romantic orientation, sexual orientation and/or gender identity. It can also be a way of rejecting the perceived norms of the LGBT community (racism, sizeism, ableism etc). Although some LGBT people view the word as a slur, it was reclaimed in the late 80s by the queer community who have embraced it.

​Questioning

The process of exploring your own sexual orientation and/or gender identity.

Intersex

A term used to describe a person who may have the biological attributes of both sexes or whose biological attributes do not fit with societal assumptions about what constitutes male or female.

Intersex people may identify as male, female or non-binary.

Stonewall works with intersex groups to provide its partners and stakeholders information and evidence about areas of disadvantage experienced by intersex people but does not, after discussions with members of the intersex community, include intersex issues as part of its current remit at this stage.

Asexual

A person who does not experience sexual attraction. Some asexual people experience romantic attraction, while others do not. Asexual people who experience romantic attraction might also use terms such as gay, bi, lesbian, straight and queer in conjunction with asexual to describe the direction of their romantic attraction.

I hope that makes everything clear. ( I added spinster as my own term of reference.

Anyway, it’s Monday now and I’ve two nights out and lots of assignment to do with my other non work days. Grayson Perry ( an evening with) is on Saturday and Giselle on Tuesday

Plans

 

I wish I had seen the Royal De Luxe Giant puppets when they came to Liverpool back in 2018. 

It is unclear on their website, that there will be another “ performance” anywhere…..which is sad.

The puppets are on my list to see, wherever and whenever they appear again.

I also want to experience a sleeper train. The British one from London to Cornwall is all booked up on line so I will have to looked further afield  unless there’s an easier way to book. 

It’s another ongoing plan  

New York is booked and on this visit I want to include The Museum of the Moving Image, the free tour of The New York Public Library and The International Centre of Photography.

2024 is going to be some new, and different experiences 

I’ve decided that today on this bleak, rather wet Sunday .

I’m on nights tonight, and have been day dreaming the morning away , whether it be on my morning walk or coffee time at the kitchen table. 

Plans are afoot. 

The dogs are steaming gently in their reading chair

As I daydream of puppets striding through streets and the gentle lull of a train journey though the night