A late thought over tired feet

One of my favourite patients died early this morning.
It wasn't the only death we had to deal with today
Her husband returned to the hospice later in our shift
And the staff quietly gathered in a respectful and impromptu vanguard to say their goodbyes to him and his family
His reaction was terribly moving

I work with some incredible people

Kissed on the cheek

Billy wilder said of her
" God kissed her on the cheek and there she was,..."

Deeper......Deeper

My recent foray into hypnosis has been met with a limited success
The therapist involved made the mistake of thinking it was a panacea to all of the ills they thought I was suffering from
I hadn't thought the offer of one off session through enough
The sadness of my impending divorce made me needy enough just to give it ago.
Their blind belief in the power of their therapy pushed them into offering

Now I'm left with the feeling that I've let them down as the suggested and expected eureka moment just has not materialised and this in turn has made me feel let down and frustrated
Feeling let down is something I don't do very well.....
I wondered if I had actually been hypnotised at first, as I was very aware that some post had been pushed through the letter box and a dog in the kitchen was scraping his nails on the laminate flooring!
But the longer I sat there, the more convinced I was that I had indeed moved into some parallel state.
One of relaxation
But nothing really more.

The eureka moment didn't show itself during the session, nor did it arrive after it

A salient lesson for both of us I guess 

A blog from a decade ago.....

I wrote this when I was on fox watch a long, long  while ago, and have only just remembered I saved it on the laptop...

It was written ten years ago

I hope you enjoy it

........It is 8.30 and the evening remains warm, dry and quiet. I am sat under the elm which borders the Churchyard and from this advantage point I can see every corner of the field. No sightings of Mr Fox as yet!

George is sat quietly in Maddie's old spot at my feet and the Welsh terriers are tied up next to the water butts and look asleep in the evening sun. Everything seems calm and serene.

The pace of the animals is slowing down in preparation for the night. The four female turkeys have separated from their daytime meet up and in two groups of two are ambling slowly towards their respective stags. Jane and Lizzy (the slate and Bourbon girls) make their way down towards Bingley in the far pig house and Gloria and an almost bald Theresa wait patiently just a few feet away. They know I will be shortly moving them into their shelter with Boris, who is still huffing and puffing away in the back ground.

The indian runners stand uncertainly just beyond the turkeys. They are eyeing me nervously and are also waiting for me to direct them into their duckhouse. I am late tonight and they know it............. and I am just that little bit amused that it seems to bother them.

The hens are all gliding their way to their own hen houses in groups of two and three. The buffs swinging their fat bottoms as they walk heavily home. The only birds that don't move home wards are the six battery hens in the furthest coop. They remain still and silent in a sad looking flat group in the warmth of the sun, yet the very fact they have all taken the chance to leave the safety of the hen house proves to me that at least the natural light and heat they now feel is in fact healing.

The two new foals in the field beyond the stream are galloping around is silly circles together and I can see Albert sitting on top of the Church wall watching them with some interest before he jumps down into the grass and rubs his head against those of William and Meg waking both dogs up.

The guinea fowl totter past and leap the 6 feet to enter the old Graveyard. They chatter noisily when they spy Albert, then move on to sit under their roosting tree, muttering to themselves like grumpy old people 

I take a long measured breath in, as one of the roosters crow

I am home

Up With The Drawbridge

The cottage looks at its best by candlelight
I got home after a work half day, walked the dogs and cooked a casserole.
The candles were lit just before 4 pm
Sometimes it's nice just to come home and shut the doors to the world.

I'm watching the TCM movie channel
The Four Musketeers is on...I forgot just how good Oliver Reed ( Athos) and Faye Dunaway ( as the evil Milady) actually were.

I'm lying on the couch with Dotty and Mary
And thinking of the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol

" ....if I lay here

            If I just lay here........

            Would you lie with me

            And just forget the world ......?"

           

 

Most Original Christmas Card

Jamie, with his 1940's RAF moustache actually flew in from Helsinki this evening and was conducting choir practice only a half hour later than usual.
Now that's real dedication.

We are having a "sing off" with another local community choir on the 8th of December. It's a charity event and so it's all good natured
But we want to be the best choir on the night!
Choir practice has gone all a bit Sister Act 2 Back in the Habit

We nailed the Reindeer calling song tonight and battled with Unison in Harmony 

Apparantly the number of Christmas cards bought in the Uk has plummeted over the last couple of years and, to me, this fact is disappointing to say the least.
I love the tradition, especially as the ritual and the time spent in writing the card and posting it to a loved one, is an important part of Christmas to me, as is the ritual of opening the cards in the cottage and hanging them around the living room.
And so dear readers I'm setting you another mini competition
Send me an original Christmas card! The most bizarre and different the better
The most original will be picked on Christmas Eve and the winner will get an " original " prize which will be a special and robust donation by me to a charity in their name!
Christmas Eve is only day I have off over Christmas so let's make it fun !
Send you entries to me

John Gray,

          Bwthyn y Llan , Cwm Road,

          Trelawnyd

          Flintshire,

          North Wales

          LL 18 6EF  UK

Sharing A Bed

I was going to start by saying I miss sharing my bed.
I miss sharing my bed with another man
The alternative to many is a very attractive one.
Cool, crisp white linen sheets
A warm duvet
Pillows soft and easily moulded
Silence
The double bed all to yourself
The ability to do " snow angels " uninterrupted on the bottom sheet
Long, undisturbed slumber
Bliss

Without a naked man in my bed do I tick all of those wonderful singleton boxes?
Do I fucking hell as like?!

Yesterday I got into bed at 10.30 am  The sheets were fresh, the duvet wrinkle free and the pillows plumped
Then like the children out of The Sound Of Music did to Maria when the thunderstorm started , the dogs start to appear.
Dotty and Mary are always first
Each battling for the armpit position.
Mary tends to win because I allow her first dibs
With a mini flounce that would but Vivian Leigh to shame, Dorothy collapses next to her.
She snores loudly in protest of not being closest .
Then Winnie appears and we have the "wandering around on the wooden floor ten minutes" torture until she is ready to haul her great carcass onto the bed.
One on the bed she immediately collapses with a loud fart, snort, or groan
She too then stats to snore.
Albert is always last.
He chooses last as there is less chance of his receiving a rather unwelcomed and rather shocking arse lick.....
He curls up anywhere he can fit.
There isn't any space for bleeding Tatoo from Fantasy Island to squeeze a buttock next to mine, let alone the prospect of any hairy arsed potential boyfriend to manage to creep under my duvet with lascivious intent!
Perhaps Im destined to be single 

3 am

It's just after 3 am and I'm taking a short breath of fresh air on my break time
The sky is an inky black and I can smell the sea from the nearby West shore
I can smell the sea but cannot hear the waves on the beach
Which seems odd
Llandudno seems silent too
Another oddment given the number of  Christmas lights already up and sparkling
A patient had given me a French pastry earlier and I find it in my pocket and eat it
Five hours till end of shift

Saturday

I'm feeling a bit lonely this morning
Not desperately and overwhelmingly lonely
Just the slight lonely that has been bordered by a grey wet day and the prospect of two night shifts .
I was originally working two long days and had arranged to leave a few minutes early in order to get back to the village to see a concert by Blazin' Fiddles but there is sickness at work and I was the only nurse who could cover the nights at short notice.
And so.....Hey ho

Next week is better socially.
Affable despot Jason texted me last night wanting a meet up.
He sent me this video to enjoy
I will now pass it on to you

A Hand In Mine

It's my nephew Leo's birthday today

He's a late teen.

He is Chris's nephew and not my blood relative and our relationship is text based with a heavy biase towards adventure movies, superheroes, DVDs and tv.

I love the intermittent " conversations" we have

I'm incredibly fond of the boy who is now almost a man .

My nephew has Aspergers, and so the texts are concrete, " unemotional" and often factual in nature and as a person with no experience of the needs of someone with autism, I have made an effort over the years to learn about the challenges of the condition.

It's clear to me that most people have no clue of the nuances autism possesses. 

Three years ago now we took Leo to London on a shopping expedition after a booked trip to see the Star Wars exhibition at the O2. 

The trip went mighty fine. 

But I remember one moment when we crossed the road near Trafalgar Square  the noise of a nearby  group of protesters suddenly rose to a crescendo. 

I remember thinking that sudden loud noises may be a potential problem for Leo and I wondered , a bit helplessly, just what I could do to make things easier.

I need not have worried

Quietly Leo slipped his hand into mine as we crossed the road and held it firmly until we moved into a quieter part of central London.

I remember being terribly moved by this tiny but very human moment of the visit.
Writing about it today made me cry 

Giving you a finger

It's been a very busy day
The consultant came around and thanked each of the three nurses on duty personally for their work towards the end of the shift
Which was a nice touch I thought!
All three of us have been on our feet for 11 of our 12 hour shift

I have a deformed left hand index finger which a little boy, a patient's visitor,  has been somewhat intrigued with!
When I was drawing up an injection he asked me what indeed had happened to it
I told him that I was bitten by a bad tempered snake who refused to let go
He giggled when He saw I had trouble getting latex gloves on
And...... believed me

My finger is aching tonight.
It may be arthritis ! Who knows
Look carefully at the photo and you can Winnie staring up the staircase...
She'd been chasing Albert during their mad half hour after dinner
There's still life in the old gal

A First

I was hypnotised today

No I didn't cluck like a chicken 

Nor did I scream like a girl when hands were clapped.

I just sat on a comfortable sofa in Cheshire covered in a warm throw with my eyes closed and my hands in my lap

And I travelled a long, long way, to a time long ago

Callîng Finland's Reindeer

I was hoping that we were going to sing this song tonight
But unfortunately we will nôw be going over it next week!
We sang it last week, and it is a piece that gets under the skin and makes the hair on the back of your head prick....it's truly lovely when the individual pieces are staggered
I had tears in my eyes when we sang it
Apparantly it's a Scandinavian reindeer calling song!
Just right for our concert on the 8th of December!!!!
I love my choir but I would dearly love to sing it with 400 hairy vikings!!
Who wouldn't
Go figure !!!

The Trelawnyd contingent of the  Gwaenysgor Community Choir met in the village pub tonight
before rehearsal. Heulwen, Hattie and I had a good old laugh and a nice gossip.
There are decades between our ages and it matters not a jot!

Next time we go I may invite gentleman farmer and fellow bass, Peter!
He looks and sounds like Ian McKellen
And is dry as a nun's chuff

Housework vers Spending

At least the place is clean

Solicitors even charge you for reading and responding to a quick email.
I've just had a bill for over a grand .....
Bluebell's breaks need seeing to as well....
I've not gone out much today.
Doing Housework all day saves money
Hey ho

War

Disaster movies are few and far between, and it's been too long since my last " good" one despite my recent injection of the undead on fox
Thank goodness for Auntie BEEB who is presently screening its first " handsomely" made version of The War Of The Worlds.
I've worked all weekend
So, it's time for a gin, a chicken sandwich and some good old fashioned alien disaster special effects

For Heidi

Heidi8:40 pm

Sorry to hear Winnie is fading a bit now, it's good you have reminders of her more active days. You haven't mentioned Dorothy for a while, has she settled in ok? I think you originally mentioned you were fostering her, have you decided to keep her now?

Dotty is hard work
She's still not totally housetrained
She's overactive,
She can be a bully
She can be rather silly with Albert
She can be a handfull

It's not been a one man show when it comes to getting the new mini me diva settled
I've got to thank the sexy bearded dog walker and more importantly Trendy Carol's husband Ewan who has patiently picked all of the dogs up when I have been working, for socialising her.

But She is a remarkably sweet and loving little dog
Who is still just a little nervous I am going to leave her.
Last night, I woke up around 5 for a middle aged pee
And in the darkness two sombre eyes watched me carefully before I turned to get up
She watches me carefully 24/7

Of course she is f'ing  staying!!!!!!xxx

Eggs

The old gal is fading a bit now so as im at work all day. I thought Id post an old video of her in full egg stealing form
Enjoy  your saturday

Silent Call

The Samaritans Charity has faced an interesting challenge since it changed it's practice a couple of years ago by offering a totally freephone number for people to be connected to a trained volunteer.
Where we would be receiving intermittent callers over a volunteer shift, now we often have queues of callers waiting to be connected.
The charity needs more volunteers covering more 24/7 shifts,
plain and simple.

Some volunteer shifts can be challenging too
In addition to the calls you may expect to receive, there are other calls that can complicate a volunteer's work
"Snap" calls are calls where the caller puts down the phone immediately after your preamble of
"Hello Samaritans...can I help you/"
Sometimes that snap call may be a genuine caller who for whatever reason is not quite ready to talk to a volunteer. Sometimes its just a case of the caller not quite connecting to the voice they hear. Some callers prefer talking to a particular gender, that need is perhaps obvious.
Some sex callers want to female Samaritan to talk to. that's an unfortunate and sad reflection of some people's need.
Silent Calls can be a challenge too. Often these may be initiated by people who are so nervous or so distressed that their emotions render them mute and in these calls it is up to the volunteer to remain of the phone offering supporting comments in order to give space and time for the caller to start some sort of interaction.
These silent calls can last quite a few minutes and many end with an eventual hang up.

Last night I had a somewhat difficult silent call
It was my first call of the evening.

"Hello Samaritans...…..Can I help you?"
silence
I gently repeated my opening and stopped to listen
Silence again, but the connection was made. The line was active.
I thought I heard something
"Hello Samaritans?" I repeated and listened again
A minute of so later I asked if the caller was alright
More silence
I told the caller to take their time and that I was not going anywhere
I took a sip of my coffee
And a human scream burst through the receiver which made me jump out of my chair and caused my fellow Samaritan on duty to suddenly look over to me in concern.
The scream was followed by a loud thud then silence again
My nerves jangled but I remained calm and repeated I was a Samaritan and asked if everything was alright.
Silence again
I strained to listen for any clue of what on earth was going on. I wanted to hear a word or a whisper for help. Crying? or even giggling (hoax calls often can be perpetrated by children mischief making)
but there was nothing, except a faint indistinct noise that could have been a faraway tv, radio or even  traffic sound.
I asked again if everything was alright
and minutes passed very slowly.
Another indistinct sound, something being moved. A groan? or was it my imagination.
I calmly repeated that I was a Samaritan
My colleague ended his own call and stopped to listen
I had been on the phone for almost ten minutes when a second much shorter scream made me jump again, I couldn't tell if it was male or female
and a moment after I had asked if whoever was there could tap the receiver to let them know they were there the handset was quietly replaced on the phone
And the call was ended with a soft click

Make of the call what you will.
My colleague came over to my desk and I debriefed to him over more coffee and chocolate biscuits
He could tell I was somewhat rattled
But we talked it out then and I talked it out with my shift leader before continuing the shift with a collection of appropriate calls, several of which were "good" calls,
Callers who obviously gained something positive from their connection with Samaritans

Ending my shift, I walked down the dark back street in Rhyl where our centre is located and hurriedly got into Bluebell with a bit of a shiver.
Before I started the engine.
I clicked the central locking button with a bang

Men

I was hanging my first and second best Walking Dead T shirts up to dry  when I spied Terry walking past the cottage with his dogs.
( Terry as you may recall is my nemesis in the baking section of The Trelawnyd Flower Show)
After a bit of banter he mentioned that he had not seen me about much socially
And after I blamed work shifts for my absence he asked me if I was seeing anyone
He was interested and not nosey.
He asked about Sitges John who I assured was now a good friend and suggested I start using dating apps to " hook up " 
He asked how I felt and how I was
He asked about the divorce
I kept the conversation light by telling him 57 is gay Years was very different that 57 in straight years in the dating game
" 57 in Gay years means you're dead!" I told him
He laughed loudly under his woolly beanie

I like that Terry is comfortable talking about personal stuff.
In my experience not many straight guys " do" personal, especially personal Of self ....

Having said this the straight guys I am friends with, Gorgeous Dave, Mike in Sheffield, Jason the affable despot, etc all  do possess that ability to transcend those safe subjects of work, sports, news and jokes that many guys solely communicate on.
Perhaps they are just comfortable in their own skins and that's why I am drawn to them as friends


Perhaps it's just a sign of the times.
Hey ho

The Bookcase

Before I met my husband I did have a relationship with a guy in Sheffield who collected antiques ( and very expensive antiques I may add) He had a penthouse flat in Sheffield and owned a country property in the Lake district...so lived a very different lifestyle to my nurse existence in a two up two down in a slightly down-at-heel suburb of the city..Anyhow I digress.

One afternoon he asked me if I could help in load several choice pieces of furniture into a van, so that he could take them to auction. As I recall there was a French chiffonier, an early Victorian farmhouse grandfather clock and a rather handsome George III glass fronted bookcase, which dated from 1780. All beautiful pieces of furniture.
We carried each item down 4 flights of stairs without incident and loaded the clock and chiffonier. I held onto the bookcase as my boyfriend cleared some room in the van, and for some totally unknown reason left the thing standing in the road as I walked up  to see what was going on.
Sheffield streets are steep, and in what could only be described as slow motion we both turned to see one of the bookcase doors open ever-so-gently.....unbalancing the whole piece.

As I screamed ( and I did scream)..the bookcase started to topple...like a tree and with the biggest of crashes it fell onto the road.......glass doors downward.
I couldn't move. My boyfriend (who was crying silently) did however and without a word he lifted the bookcase off the road.
There couldn't have been more damage to it if Hattie Jacques herself had jumped on it from the top of a wardrobe, and even to my unsophisticated eye, I just knew that I had inflicted damage a nurse's pay could not quite cater for.
Still in silence, the bookcase (or the pile of wood and glass that it now resembled) was loaded up and driven away, leaving me to ponder my fate.
On impulse I drove immediately to one of the less attractive parts of Sheffield ( Think The Wire) and offered my old beat up peugeot 105 up to a scrap merchant to buy......The scrap merchant was a big hairy arsed bloke who seemed rather sceptical of my motives... but seeing that I looked rather distressed, he offered me a cup of tea and seemed ever-so-faintly amused that I was selling my car because I knackered the front off my boyfriend's priceless antique and wanted to "pay" for the damages

As I recall he gave me 150£ for my car....
I never knew what happened to the bookcase....
The relationship never lasted either...................