Sinners

 Bank holiday Monday I went to the cinema 

I went to see the oddity Sinners by Ryan Coogler. A film which , I understand resonates with black audiences in America, in a similar way Black Panther did. 

I liked it even though it was two distinct films

One, an historical look at the roots of 1920s Black music and culture in rural Mississippi 

And one bonkers vampire movie.

Obviously based on Quentin Tarintino’s From Dusk From Dawn , we follow the tale of twins Smoke and Stack ( Both played with gusto by Michael B Jordan) and their wish to build a nightclub in the middle of the cotton fields. They recruit a motley group to help them  and the opening night arrives with so much attention to detail that the audience is caught up with the sheer power of the mise en sence of the time and place.

As the singers and dancers strum and sing and tap dance, one pivotal scene changes this historical study into a nightmarish horror second half and that is a magical appearance of modern day rappers, street dancers and ancient African and even Irish folk dancers who appear on the dance floor . 

The vampires have arrived and they are not only killers but musical loving ones who use music to charm and feed.

It’s bonkers

Bit it works 

The final half hour is pure 30 Days Of Night with our heroes battling the vampires with stakes and garlic water and fire. 

I loved one buxom , sexy resourceful black character called Annie ( Wunmi Mosaku below)great to see a hero with curves and brains for a change 

I’ve get down to my paperwork today( I’m in the middle of it ) 

This evening I’m going to my sister’s home for supper

It’s nice to be pampered

My arm isn’t any better

Dinosaurs

 The cheerful engineer turned up at 9 am ( I thought today was Monday so forgot he was coming)

I was still in my dinosaur nightware. He was here for three hours photographing and drilling , followed by the Welsh, he said his 6 year old son liked dinosaurs but mentioned it without irony, which I was grateful for. 

I hope the solar panels will be worth it. As he was leaving we heard a crackling in the electrical circuit and he chirped up better get that sorted quicksticks!

I turned off the power

And so the emergency team is on its way! 

Don’t they know I m supposed to be resting? 

Trendy Carol collected the dogs and Mandy and John from next door made tea and provided psychological support

I’ve forgotton to change my T shirt in the hurry to clean the cat litter, which as fate would expect, was suddenly overflowing with excrement 

The cottage smells like a dung heap.

The electricity board had texted to say they will be 20 minutes away 

Shit they’re here

Swedish Death Cleaning and using words

 I have tons of clerical work to do for college

And so yesterday I cleaned the kitchen proper.

The pockets of clutter remain, as you can see

The little jug with the yellow tulips underline “my look” 

I like the little detail.

Today I listened to Women’s Hour. The subject was decluttering and I found the discussion by the guest psychologist fascinating. He talked about the importance of differentiating between sentimental attachment and nostalgic attachment with items we own. It’s an important distinction to make , especially for hoarders . 

The discussion about Swedish Death Cleaning was equally interesting. It’s a well known phenomenon in Scandinavia , where older people get rid of clutter and collections before they die, thus freeing up their chore for the ones they leave behind. 

I like this

I have an urge to put stickers behind paintings and under jugs with loved one’s names on them.

Gifts I want certain people to have after I’ve gone.

It’s a variant on the Death Cleaning thing.

My ex husband emailed me last week . I found the message yesterday but couldn’t open it in my junk folder, but the first line was readable as no title had been added. It simply said Hello John, I’ve heard you’ve not been well, just wishing….. 

A kind thing for sure but I found his careful wording interesting. By saying heard rather than read, he was underlining a more passive role in the receiving of the news .

Perhaps that in itself is another kindness

I wasn’t upset by the message, it was workmanlike and polite  

It was what it was

I think I will go to the cinema today, there is not much on in the art house cinemas in Chester so I may go multiplex instead

lol, anything but get down with the clerical work ……..

Helen Sjöholm

 

I sit at the kitchen table a lot. 

Here I read, write, explore the internet and think.

If the weather is fine and the yappy dogs silent in their nasty new build house beyond the garden wall, the back door is open to the sound of birdsong, the arguing of the sparrows and the caws from the rooks over the glebe to the East.

I’ve suffered the barking earlier, but it’s 11am now, and it’s peaceful 

I won’t talk to anyone today. 

Why would I ? It’s Easter Sunday, but I found this wonderful musical interlude, by the Swedish singer Helen Sjöholm and her support singers

I turned it up full blast and let their voices fill the cottage and Churchyard beyond my garden

Missing Happiness

 

Mary in 2018

We miss so much.

In our busy lives.

I wasn’t still until 7 pm last night

That was 10 hours in motion,

From dragging my sorry arse out of under a wonderfully warm duvet 

To porridge for breakfast 

And the 2 hour search for a piece of leather wrapped around three plastic cards.

Today it’s Cate Blanchet and her Radio 4 debut The Fever,

I switched it off sick of her voice, an hour wasted on a so called worthy cause

It’s cold and I find a jumper. 

Paperwork pilled up on the kitchen table awaiting sorting

Tomorrow I say

No good films on in the cinemas,

It’s a children biased weekend

Hetero normal/ family time

At seven pm last night I looked at Mary’s face as I itched that bilateral dimple behind each ear. 

I used my left hand, my thump and forefinger encircling her head deftly

And she closed her eyes, 

And looked blissful

Totally blissful

Roger was asleep next to her, the twins creeping around the room like bandits’ shadows beyond

But for that moment I watched that little dog’s old face

And her vague smile

And I realised that she and I were truly happy

Wallet In The Freezer

 I’ve never liked Good Friday, both as a child and as an adult.

As a child it was too many chocolate eggs and shit television.

As an adult it is a lacklustre bank holiday weekend, often worked.

Today it’s cold and wet

And the cottage looks like the wreck of the Hesperus.

The reason for the disarray is that my wallet and car keys went missing.

Two hours of searching isolated nothing more than the dirty pair of undies under the bed and a mummified  baby mouse behind the armchair.

I eventually found the wallet and keys frozen solid in a carrier bag with some pork chops in the freezer and spent an uncomfortable half hour in Sainsburys thawing out my debit and nectar card under my armpit before paying for cat litter

The day has been a bust so far, so I bought myself a bunch of flowers to make myself feel better and shouted at the neighbour when I got home for bellowing at one of his yappy dogs 

Talk about transference..I’m making a beef stew

Happy Easter 

Mrs Trellis wins the day

 I’ve seen clients today ( don’t worry I’ve rested my arm) and got home to an Easter Egg wrapped carefully in tissue paper. 

The accompanying card and letter was from Mrs Trellis who thanked me for the amaryllis plant I had given her last Christmas.

( I actually gave her the plant at Christmas 2023 but whose counting) 

Plans

 My GP was thorough and respectful. He had also done his homework and asked me outright if I was concerned that my arm weakness was related to a motor Neurone Cause. Somewhere in my notes must have been documented with the fact that my brother Andrew had died from the disease.

He told me that it was unlikely.

Another batch of tests and referrals were made, as I sat there and he told me that he wanted me to rest, and signed me off work for two weeks . 

Mentally I have already filled the time constructively, with paperwork, books and sleep

The morning shot by. 

I walked the dogs, picked up a prescription , saw my sisters and had supervision

The afternoon shot by

I bought a steak from Marks & Spencers as a treat, and lit the fire just before 5pm 

I feel better because I have a plan of action. I always teach worried patients and their families this simple initiative. 

Find out the facts and formulate a plan

This processes the problem from problem to solution 

It’s a simple and effective way of reducing stress

I can’t brush my teeth with my right hand without moving my head my muscle weakness is fickle and irritatingly particular.

The Kindness of Strangers

 It won’t surprise you that I’ve been a bit stressed and sad recently

But I have been buoyed by kindnesses, messages and emails and concern which is touching

Today a watercolour of Winnie was delivered

I was just leaving the house to go for a diabetic eye test ( harrumph) 

And it truly made my day

Thank you Donna

Thank you all

La verbena de la Paloma / Preludio - Grupo Talía

No lisping choir in this charming piece by the Metropolitan Orchestra called La Verbena de La Palo

If I look hard in the audience I can almost see myself  to the left of the delightful Silvia Sanz Torres.

Little to report today. The weather has changed and it feels cold again.

I’m seeing the doctor on Wednesday  and let him make the call if I am fit enough for work. A consultant from the hospital chased me up also, which was reassuring and right, she was happier that I will get reviewed by my own doctor and bless her, apologised for my bad experience in A&E. 

I had a letter from college today too, outlying when our graduation will take place and where to get my cap and gown…..Im gutted as my graduation day is the day I go and see the lisping Choir in Madrid

So I won’t be seen getting my certificate ! Janet and Ann had planned to come too

Heyho

I will contact the hire company and will see if I can get another chance to at least get photographed in my college colours……im vain enough to make every photo into Christmas Cards

Wonderful

 I posted a link to this video the other night, but here is the video

It’s a pure delight and lightens the mood wonderfully

Affable Despot Jason said today it reminded him of my field when his girls were little .

I loved that

Hey ho

 Well, what a palava,

As a spinal Nurse I know my neurology, so I knew I had a deficit in my right arm. I had trouble raising it against resistance. After a talk to fellow ex nurse and calming influence Nigel, I went to A&E.

I’ve never been a patient in casualty before.

I hope I’m never there again.

As soon as I arrived a confused elderly lady in a hospital gown, net knickers and a plaster cast tried and succeeded to get out of her hospital wheelchair. She was alone and unsupervised, and would have fallen if I hadn’t intervened. I got her sat down and went to find a nurse. 

The nurse said nothing but did move her into the emergency room proper.

I sat down, next to two patients and their families. One was a 93 year old lady who had been in the department 24 hours. Another was a confused elderly man with his harassed wife. They had been in the department since 7 pm the day before.

This was 1 pm

I settled down with a game on my phone.

The confused man kept trying to poke a lady in front with his walking stick, so I engaged him in conversation, he told me he used to breed Bull mastiffs and this introduction cemented us together for the next nine hours where I helped supervise him, toilet him and allowed his wife to stand outside to stop herself from screaming.

I have seldom seen so many vulnerable people in one place before and it was an eye opener

The system is on its knees.

The staff were efficient , my doctor quite lovely, and very apologetic when I challenged the fact my consultation wasn’t confidential as another patient had been sat in the room, but the department looked and felt like a war zone rather than a semi rural Welsh district hospital.

I was called in for head CT whilst my band of brothers in the waiting room held crossed fingers up and waved. They were both waiting for a medical bed when I left the department at nine pm.

My CT was clear, and my bloods were taken.

The doctor still had no idea what the cause of my weakness was so wanted to admit me. I looked at the support worker, who looked tired but valiant at reception, and said what are the chances of a bed on a Saturday night? 

She nodded sadly

So I took my leave, nothing realistically would be done I knew that, not over the weekend, so I will refer myself back via my GP on Wednesday. At least the scan is done and It’s unlikely I’ve had a stroke?

The low point of all this? 

Apart from seeing a wonderful system stretched to breaking point ?

It was when the cheerful ward clerk popped over to me and amid the carnage of waiting patients asked “I forgot to check is Dr Burton still your next of kin?” 

Hey ho

ER

 I will blog about this tomorrow,

I’ve spent 10 hours  in A&E with a right sided neuro deficit 

What a first adventure for me

And one I don’t want to repeat

Violas

 I planted up violas on the kitchen wall at teatime yesterday watched by Roger who finds everything I do fascinating . 

I love standing by the lane because in good weather it’s a place for people to promenade 

Villagers ambling past to say hello.

I’m a sucker for occasional company 

Animal Helper Pat, well into her 80s can out walk me anyday

Islwyn with a complaint about my recycling ( don’t ask)

Great Dane Hudson looking every inch an old fellow with his mistress

Mrs Trellis , loving the spring weather

Polish Monika and her delightful French Bulldog who made a point of stucking his nose up Mary’s arse! 

And Glyn and his sing song Welsh accent praising the weather, before he sees to the sheep field.

Many and varied

I’m working nights until Monday 

 

Church

The Church as seen from my garden today

I’m not religious.

I’m agnostic I suppose but I’m a humanist by nature who believes for the most part that there is good in most of us. 

I envy the certain nature of someone who has a strong faith

It lends a particular inner peace that at times seems very simple and very serene

Perhaps things seem more black and white to them

Less ambivalent

I miss sitting in our little stone built church

It’s locked and empty now. 

Only a few years ago I used to clean it. 

I Polished the pews until they smelled of lemons and shone in the light filtering from the south facing windows

And I hoovered the red carpet until the plug was pulled from the wall.

After that I would sit 

And think and drift off from thinking into a meditative fugue

I miss that

I miss the silence, the true silence forced by two foot walls and windows of lead.

No faint buzz of traffic

No chirps of sparrows

Just silence. 

Grateful

 A day at the kitchen table.

Sorting out the record of my counselling experience 

Times,session numbers, progress made.

Lines and lines of facts and figures

Watched by my own 9 Gormley figures and Roger of course

I was reminded of a client who once showed me her gratitude diary 

It was homework given to her by the mental health team 

And it was empty

She had nothing to fill the pages with

I wrote my own in my head today as I listed my clients and their histories

Old people eating Ice Cream,

No one in the cinema in an afternoon,

A thunder storm, 

Tiramisu,

A blood sugar of 5.9

Praise,

My best Walking Dead T shirt that now fits!

Bun cuddles,

Fresh flowers on the lane window ledge ,

My first A grade at University,

Friends,

Walking into La Sagrada Familia for the first time,and crying

Scented candles

Roger being dim Roger,

Realising I am content,and more self aware than ever I was

A flirt with an attractive man ,

Thinking an attractive man is flirting even when he isn’t ! !!!!

Lemon curd

A cracking movie, standing in an ovation in the theatre,

Miso soup,

The Lisping Spanish Choir.

A hot shower,

The people in my village,

The Storyhouse cinema,

Being respected. 

My family time

A memory of a scotch egg

I’m also grateful for little films like this one 

If you have a minute watch it 

It’s delightful 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZNdNy6TrL/

Post Presentation Ice Cream

Ive given two presentations today and due to the nervous energy in the air Iso need a break. so im in Parisellas cafe on the beach and like one crazy mad bitch im having a scoop of ice cream fuck diabetes for 4 minutes.

Balloons In The Kitchen

The kitchen is filled with helium filled balloons, all tied to the kitchen cabinet knobs.They are part of my presentation tomorrow ,a Gestalt view on grief treatment. you may remember the latest Bridget Jones movie where she and her children send messages to the deceased Mr Darcy in an attempt to resove the pain of their grief. All heavy handed but you get the gist.

Tomorrow afternoon, I have another presentation to give, this time a case study. My presentation will be recorded and graded by two tutorial staff. message to self wear my jumper without the gravy stains! psRoger has burst three balloons already

Holiday.

 Last night, on my break, I made sure all of the Madrid trip was sorted. 

Flights tick

Lisping Choir Tickets tick

Airbnb tick! 

I’ve booked a two bedroom apartment which three balconies overlooking a cafe filled square

If that isn’t Spanish enough then I’ll eat my sombrero 

You always take a chance with Airbnb, who knows what horrors lie under the bed

Painting

 The yappy dogs from next door woke me around three. I gave the Welsh a wee and fed the twins who were annoyed that the dogs were upstairs. The sunshine is glorious ( a bastard of a thing to happen for night workers) so I’ve eaten spicy bean soup out of the slow cooker followed by houmous and celery.

I checked my emails to see if Yorkshire Pudding had received my message ( 😟 he hadn’t) but did open an email from Donna in Tennessee who enclosed this copy of her painting of Winnie 

It’s so captured the essence of that bulldog, who spent her life acting like a gay man in a fat suit.

It’s wonderful, and it made my day