Bats In A Dark Lane.

 When you are part of a group where one of the members is suddenly poorly WhatsApp can be a godsend. Like bats in a dark lane, messages flit through the night, keeping you updated and worried. And early this morning I found out that a dear colleague and friend Ann from the hospice had died after a short illness. 

We started together a few years ago under similar life challenges of a sudden marital separation and a needy to earn some money. And from day one she proved herself to be a hardworking support worker who would always go that extra mile for her patients and for you, the trained nurse she was allocated to.

I shall miss her as will so many others I know. 

It’s a sad end, to a sad week, so I’m grateful for my friend Colin who messaged me with the offer of lunch out today. We are meeting at the Glasfryn in Mold ,which is a hearty gastropub perched above my beloved Theatr Clwyd and I intend to eat something with mash and gravy .

This morning I removed nails from the art wall and filled in the holes then sanded and washed the walls in readiness for paining tomorrow.

I’ve also carefully washed by Burleigh Ware crockery which sits on the top of the kitchen cabinets and put them carefully away 

I will leave you with the talented Mr Wu, whose house and garden renovation is almost at an end 

Pick Your Battles

 “Can’t you see I’m disabled ?”

The shouted comment was like waving a red flag to a bull, 

I have spent most of my adult life working with “disabled” people

and I absolutely hate when disabled people use their disability as an answer to everything

“There’s nothing wrong with your eyes” I countered, a reply that sent the man puce

Perhaps you need some context here

The car park at Prestatyn beach. I am parked in a regular parking spot near the promenade with the doors open, waiting for a dithering Mary to jump into Bluebell 

Roger was staring out to sea looking somewhat gormless

The man in the large disabled cart was making a slow wide turn over several empty spaces in order to return to his wife, daughter and their Labrador. He had been barking brusque orders at his family for ten minutes or so, which had irritated me, as I had followed him up the Prom back to the car park. 

He came so close to Roger, that the poor sod jumped and whimpered ( he is a wuss) but my paternal juices started flowing hence the sharp( but not unfair) 

“ Watch where you’re going!” 

The rest you already know, except for the hysterical turn the man then took.

With his voice going up at least two octaves he instructed his wife to take Bluebell’s registration number

“ Get it on your phone Jean !” He yelled making another pass

I felt that I had turned over my wagon and the Indians were circling 

But by the look of things Jean  didn’t look too bothered.

He kept shouting about discrimination, 

I told him for the last time to watch where he was going, which I didn’t need to

And so it continued

Now the man had brand new trainers on so cheap Shoes would have been inappropriate comment so would have been my usual and usually effective Jog On put down , so I resorted to 

“ knock Yourself Out” before getting Roger in.

He was still swearing and circling when I drove off , so didn’t notice when the world weary Jean mouthed the word “ Sorry” as I passed her.

Ps 

The village Male voiced choir is in Swansea today , singing centre stage before the six nations Rugby match between Wales and Italy. 

A Whale In The Sink

 Today, all I’ve done is wash and clean 

Every painting and bit of artwork has been carefully cleansed of soot and detritus and stored away.

And every piece has been looked at again, as if it was new. 

I have a feeling I will pare down the wall and perhaps add open shelves to it 

I’ve not decided as yet.

I’ve only seen Mr Poznan today. He popped in a load of old Readers Digests for me, you know the little ones that are a great loo time read

“ You have a whale in the sink” he observed before leaving

All women do the same

 I love good theatre but I’m not a huge Opera Buff.

I have my favourites for sure but at 61 Mozart’s Cosi Fan Tutte ( translated as All Women Do The Same)seems to have slipped me by, so as it was my friend Ruth’s birthday, I thought , I would take her. ( she inherited a love for the medium from a mum steeped in London Culture who ended her days in Llanfairfechan.)

We saw a quality production for sure, but it’s themes of grooming, entrapment, fickle female sexual behaviour and infidelity seemed rather unhealthy which had Ruth observing if this wasn’t Mozart no one would be here!!!

The singing quality was amazing, truly sublime at times, as you would expect of The Welsh National Opera but I have to be honest I’d had enough after two hours of three of sexual subterfuge. 

Before the Opera we went for a lovely supper at Dylan’s where I had something called Mochyn Budr which means Dirty Pig in Welsh . It was fantastic 

I got home late and happy at having the first really nice time in two weeks  and the reality  hit me as sharply as slap in the face would have done. The Welsh , raised their heads sleepily from the reading chair in the kitchen and smiled a hello , but there was not the hysterical, tail wagging welcome from Dorothy as I’ve been used to for over the past five years. 

I sat at the kitchen table and for the first time since she was diagnosed by the kind Spanish vet , I had a good loud cry.

Only then did the Welsh get up and put concerned paws on my knees, their noses cold sniffing my face.

 

Hostiles

I watched the western drama Hostiles last night, which has the pitch perfect final scenes of any movie I care to mention.

It’s a brutal and hard film to watch, but it has a hopeful final theme of redemption.

Today I’ve bought paint and dust sheets to repaint the kitchen and have started to wash everything down

Nick and Velvet Voiced Linda , Lywenna and Eirlys have called around with gifts of eggs, and jam and a gin and tonic. 

Mrs Trellis dropped in a sort of essay which I have yet to read .

People are so very kind 

I am off out shortly it’s my friend Ruth’s birthday and I’m taking her to supper then the Opera

The Welsh

The Welsh terriers are quiet. 

Not that they are pining, which they are not.

It is because things are different.

Mary is now back in charge

She sat in Dorothy’s old spot all evening last night

Hogging my attention, licking my hands and feet and followed me around as Dorothy would have.

She and Roger came to bed, gleefully rubbing snouts on the duvet as they made circles to settle.

Typically Roger is going with the flow. 

He really hasn’t got a clue, his job of home protector continues with excited, woofing gallops into the garden whenever anything bigger than a blackbird can be seen. 

He employs a Zebedee type bounce when any human goes past in the vague hope he can obtain a hug and still can’t quite maintain his balance when putting paws onto Bluebells dashboard.

He is, and will always be, a tonic

Normal

 Trendy Carol ( probably sporting something springlike in green) sent some flowers around with her hubby yesterday. I told him, and I meant it that I should be the one buying flowers for if it wasn’t for them , I would not have been able to keep my dogs let alone acquire one like Dorothy .

I bought them a bunch of flowers too, and signed them with thanks , Dorothy x

I went to college today then bought some towels on the way home. I’m on annual leave this week

The cottage is quiet, I’m managed to read all your comments tonight , and am thankful I’ve only had to delete a couple , you’re a nice bunch and I feel supported 

Postscript

To add to today’s post 

Some perspective . Last night before we went to bed I put Dorothy in a pair of adult incontinence knickers.

(She took a small.)I’m sentimental, but I’m no fool even with the palliative care of my own bulldog.

She had the energy to look down slowly at the nappy , then looked me directly in the eye with a “ What the fuck have you just done to me !!!! ” look on her face.

It made me laugh out loud

Monday

Emotionally speaking it’s been a bit of a rollercoaster  ride over the past two weeks..ever since a blogger insulted me on line, only removing the insult when challenged by a third party. The internet allows for such behaviour .

Such words would never be verbalised if I was stood there in person and the whole thing strangely upset me.  Work has been challenging at times . I’ve had to pass an interview and essays too

It’s all been a bit h e a v y .

The antibiotics I’ve been prescribed have made me intermittently nauseous but have reduced most of the soft tissue infection in my face. However my glands remain swollen and painful, and I’m self conscious and down about how I look. 

I still have my effing cold too.

Dorothy last night with me on the sofa she’d just shared a frankfurter sausage !

And of course Dorothy died early this morning 

I’m relieved she won’t have to linger any more and was grateful for having time to spend with her on the couch over the weekend with the fire lit warmly.it was her time and I’m glad.

At the end she looked a little worried but hid her head under my chin as I told her to be a brave girl. She snapped at the others so as usual it was only me and her against the world.

The last smell she smelled was me, 

the last voice she heard was mine

In the five years since she came to me, she’s always been such a scared girl at times

But not scared anymore.

I’m going to the cinema later.

The place that makes me better.

A Chippy Tea

 

When the world and their mothers were busy with Mothering Sunday, I took the dogs to the beach and out for a chippy tea.

Now I’m sure many of you may not know what A Chippy Tea is, so I shall explain . A Chippy Tea ( or Dinner) is when historically the lady of the house , through busyness, illness, holiday time or whatever had decided not to cook that mealtime and a rare “ take out” was in order.

For my family A Chippy Tea was a rarity and a treat.

It remains so

It must be well over 2 years since I last had one.

Now, for those that still remain in the dark , the meal consists of a large battered fish fillet ( usually cod or haddock ) lying on a bed of chips. These chips are thick cut fresh fries that are slightly crispy on the outside and soft on the inside, but generally in the steam of the take out, they can be just soft! 

Everything is covered with a generous amount of malt vinegar and salt. Then wrapped in a box and paper.

It’s a delight on a miserable day.

We ate it in the beach car park. Dorothy had a small battered fish of her own ( with half the batter removed) where the Welsh shared my box 

Sweet

 Dorothy has had a comfortable day 

Trendy Carol’s Husband came around to visit with a pork steak in hand.

He’s looked after Dorothy everyday I’ve been at work, holiday and college for the past 5 years. 

And I couldn’t stand to watch as he stroked her head gently  and called her his Dotty, and so busied myself with something in the kitchen as he said his tearful goodbyes.

CDK - Somebody That I Used To Know by Gotye

Amazing little film 

It’s cold here, grey and miserable 

“Enough Cariño”

I was pleased the Spanish vet was on duty. 

She agreed with me about an ultrasound and has a lovely way about her.

She told that me my face looked sore. 

She’d be a good candidate for a hospice nurse. 

Practical, kind and straight to the point.

Dorothy refused to be led away from me so I was allowed to accompany the staff to scanning.

I clicked my fingers and Dorothy followed me and I couldn’t contain my pride when the vet said

“ You’ve trained her well”

Even I could see the size of the tumour on the scan and when the vet aspirated bloody fluid from her abdomen with a 2 mls syringe, she held it out for me to see

“Enough Cariño” she said quietly 

“She has a few days” the Spanish vet said “ Take her home and spoil her with anything she wants to eat”

And that’s exactly what I’ve done

We stopped at the village shop in Caerwys where I found a packet of cocktail sausages and then side by side, I popped one into her mouth at a time as she chewed them with closed happy old eyes.I didn’t cry until she leant up for a kiss well after she was sure all of the sausages had been finished, and not used to being free of her crate in the car I let her stand with her paws on the dashboard, as Roger does so much when we go out every morning.

She couldn’t believe her luck.

I stopped one more time to buy a cooked chicken for more dog dinners and some expensive flowers for myself. (It’s Mothers’ day) and we went home.

My email light was flashing on my laptop when we entered the kitchen,

I’d received an email from MIND , 

I have got the counselling placement.

Sick

 “ You’ve got to be fucking kidding!”

My first words this morning, looking in the mirror . 

I have a right facial abscess which came from nowhere overnight.

My face is hot and swollen and I look like Russell Crowe on steroids.

I was supposed to be at a funeral in Ormskirk at 11am but at that time found myself trying to be polite to my GP who has all the bedside manner of Nellie Oleson.

“ It looks bad and if it gets worse go to A&E” he said without a goodbye.

I’m now on three types of strong antibiotics and popped some painkillers down with them at the pharmacy after Ravi the pretty pharmacist gave me much overdue sympathy and my prescription .

I may not comment and blog for a day or do

Hey ho. X

Ps for Debby, Col and Steve

Cold

 My brain is too big more my head to cope with ( that’s been said before lol) I’m counting down to my next lemsip like a junkie but at least the sun is shining. 

I found a moribund sleeping tablet at the bottom of the medicine box last night and took it at 8 pm 

I’ve slept all night since then.

I’m doing very little today, having said that I’ve just photographed a passive aggressive note on the village noticeboard  slagging off the Community Council ( not the community association that’s different) and have taken its 1980s passive aggression to task on the village website.,

I’ve got to pick up a prescription for a neighbour and a friend in the village is just out of hospital so I want drop in some goodies before taking Roger around to the Manleys so he can socialise with their English setter Skye

I’m diverting myself of course, 

No sub conscious working here

I should have booked Dorothy back at the vets today but

Ive arranged for her to go in for review on Friday. 

Tomorrow I’m attending a funeral.

I’ve still not heard from MIND regarding the counselling place

But checking the dairy I’ve just noted the date

March. 6th

My “wedding Anniversary” date 

Just crept into my my mind

Curved Ball

 I shouldn’t go into university today.

Overnight Ive developed a streaming cold and have had little sleep.

We have an assessed exam of our counselling skill next week so I have to practice for that, but I will cut my day short and return home at lunchtime. 

I walked the dogs in a daze but as we returned home, I noticed Dorothy had a bit of poo stuck to her bottom.

She patiently waited for me to give her a wipe 

And wagged her stubby tail

But the poo wasn’t what it seemed

She has some sort of fast growing tumour back there

La Passion de Dodin Bouffant

 It does annoy me that many foreign language films get their titles changed to suit an English speaking world market. Les Passion De Dodin Bouffant is the perfect example for this afternoon I went to see the somewhat bland sounding The Taste Of Things which sounds to me like a 1980s British tv sitcom ! 

As it turned out The Taste Of Things was anything but bland. 

It is a gloriously elegant and beautiful film, exquisitely photographed and carefully acted, with every scene set in a French Country house in the summer of 1889, painted with the skill of a grand master.

The film’s opening sets the pace and style of the whole piece as we watch food lover Dodin Bouffant ( Benoît Magimel) and his cook and lover Eugénie( Juliette Binoche) prepare an exquisite meal for the couples 5 best friends. The pair share a deep love of cooking and each other and it shows as they silently work around each other in country kitchen to die for with all the grace and skill of a couple of ballet dancers. The ticket of admission pays for that extended scene alone. 

Magimel shines as the love struck, passionate and likeable Dodin with Binoche matching his every move . A stone’s throw from sixty she is at her most beautiful , and gives her character a haunting grace which is wonderfully moving . 

I loved every bit of this movie. 

It’s a beautiful story of an autumnal love affair

And a joyous celebration of cookery at its best

How Do You Cope?

 I slept properly last night.

Deeply and long.

So did Dorothy.

She woke me briefly wanting the loo around 6 am and disappeared out into the garden before we returned to bed to sleep. 

I could tell that she felt better as she lay still against my leg as she normally does.

Proper sleep, with REM dreaming is vital for processing stress. Stimulating rapid eye movements in patients with PTSD has been shown to be beneficial.

There’s a lot to be said for shutting the doors of your psychi too and tuning out of the world. 

I cope with things unevenly. 

The large glass of gin after a busy shift is a thorny reward, as is the takeaway or fridge raid, but balance in things certainly does help more . Cinema , theatre, lunch out, a company moment planned off sets the sad and the stress times but doesn’t always fill the gaps when a live body next to you listens to the shit of the day.

But they help

Nurses see transference regularly. They are also are on the receiving end of stress when their patients and their relatives are facing stressors that not easily resolved and coped with. 

If you feel impotent with an issue, a problem or an event, anger and resentment are often your to go emotions. 

Anger especially is  most easily accessed of all of them, a vent through a crack

Mind you ai can give a great deal of relief from pressure , especially in no win situations .

Humour helps me , more than anything too, but can be overshadowed by others’ drama . 

Drama is addictive, but uneven 

Humour brings with it some warmth and balance and laughter, it has been proven, physically removes stress for the body.

This morning, I  treated myself to the go to oral treat. 

Breakfast of potato waffles, egg and of all things scampi 

Bloody lovely it was too

Netflix, dozing in front of the fire, of and cleaning the toilet until you can see yourself in the bowl

Needy

I left the cottage at twenty past six and returned just before nine pm. Dorothy was asleep in the crook of my right arm by half past nine after her meal of rice and chicken and painkillers. 

trendy Carol’s Hubby had looked after her beautifully 

Thank you for all the best wishes for her

She knows something is afoot and is more clingy than Donald Trumps underpants

Off to bed 

 

 Sleepless night after 4 am Dorothy restless and odd despite painkillers

Just going to work 

Boy do I need myMcDonald’s coffee this morning