How Do You Cope?


 I slept properly last night.
Deeply and long.
So did Dorothy.
She woke me briefly wanting the loo around 6 am and disappeared out into the garden before we returned to bed to sleep. 
I could tell that she felt better as she lay still against my leg as she normally does.

Proper sleep, with REM dreaming is vital for processing stress. Stimulating rapid eye movements in patients with PTSD has been shown to be beneficial.
There’s a lot to be said for shutting the doors of your psychi too and tuning out of the world. 

I cope with things unevenly. 
The large glass of gin after a busy shift is a thorny reward, as is the takeaway or fridge raid, but balance in things certainly does help more . Cinema , theatre, lunch out, a company moment planned off sets the sad and the stress times but doesn’t always fill the gaps when a live body next to you listens to the shit of the day.
But they help

Nurses see transference regularly. They are also are on the receiving end of stress when their patients and their relatives are facing stressors that not easily resolved and coped with. 
If you feel impotent with an issue, a problem or an event, anger and resentment are often your to go emotions. 
Anger especially is  most easily accessed of all of them, a vent through a crack
Mind you ai can give a great deal of relief from pressure , especially in no win situations .

Humour helps me , more than anything too, but can be overshadowed by others’ drama . 
Drama is addictive, but uneven 
Humour brings with it some warmth and balance and laughter, it has been proven, physically removes stress for the body.

This morning, I  treated myself to the go to oral treat. 
Breakfast of potato waffles, egg and of all things scampi 
Bloody lovely it was too

Netflix, dozing in front of the fire, of and cleaning the toilet until you can see yourself in the bowl



87 comments:

  1. I talk through everything. If I can't talk, I write. Sometimes I do both.
    Sometimes it's not enough to talk and I need a night out, weekend away or some other soul food.
    I'm terrible at recognising the need for self care and usually melt down before the planned self care arrives

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A lot of us feel guilty about “ self care” we are not good enough. We don’t deserve it .
      And we shouldn’t have something because someone else hasn’t given it to us.

      Delete
  2. A lifetime of experience and learning shows in this entry. Self care today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or am I being, well indulgent ? David , what is the difference?
      Today, I’ve slept on the couch
      Nothing more

      Delete
  3. Glad you and Dorothy got a good sleep. I've learnt to accept my insomnia, and just enjoy a really deep, refreshing sleep whenever it comes. xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Something that’s never plagued me, insomnia . I’m so glad to say, there’s nothing more than just before Dawn

      Delete
    2. Fallorn than just before Dawn

      Delete
  4. Anonymous12:51 pm

    Not very well. I go to food for comfort and isolate from everyone. Loneliness is a major part of my issues with no family… just me…. Very overwhelming at times….to the point I really hate myself and lifestyle. Friends have families to interact with….spouse,children and now grandchildren…..so always feel like a third wheel in situations. Have met a nice group of friends at the gym I go to but those interactions are short lived daily. Life a struggle in many ways.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This was a difficult read
      An honest account and one I can appreciate .
      Having someone else to cushion your down days is incredibly difficult

      Delete
  5. Your counselling vocabulary and reflective techniques peep through in this blogpost. Glad to hear that Dorothy is more like her old self today.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Perhaps I’m finally learning something

      Delete
  6. Anonymous12:58 pm

    I usually cope very well, I just have to as I am alone, however right now I am having a bit of trouble. I had a skin cancer removed from my back on Thursday and was told to wash the spot and put polysporin on it at least every two days. My problem is I can’t see it and can’t reach it either. Yesterday my daughter drove 2 1/2 hours to help me get the bandage off, wash and put the ointment on it. However two of the stitches came out when bandage was removed. I am alone now and have to figure out next step. Maybe a rubber jar scraper would reach the wound. There is a little hole where the stitches fell out. Daughter had to go home for work tomorrow. Nice that you and Dorothy had a great sleep. I did too for a couple of hours this morning. Gigi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jo in Auckland6:13 pm

      Gigi is there not a female neighbour close to you that you would turn to??Or someone from Church perhaps (presumptuous on my part)?

      Delete
    2. I get this Gigi
      The other morning I was working but needed for Dorothy to go to the vets…just me at home, no one else to do it….it’s sobering

      Delete
    3. Anonymous1:10 am

      Because of being alone, what others see as a minor inconvenience if they have family, is a major issue for those of us alone. I had same happen in December with basal cell removal on back. I found someone able to change dressings for a week…then I . Just had to leave open to heal slowly with nothing applied. Took over2 .5 months to finally heal but as of last week all good. I had less problem at home alone with knee replacements……go figure.

      Delete
  7. I am glad that you managed to get a good night's sleep.
    Everything seems worse when I can't sleep. The extra glass of wine, meant to relax me, doesn't really help at all either.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I’ve also slept this afternoon . A real treat

      Delete
  8. Different days call for different strategies. It appears you have a well rounded repertoire to replenish the spirit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The older I get, the better I’m getting at self care martyrism gets you no where

      Delete
  9. Anonymous1:14 pm

    Lovely post thank you John.
    Self care feels strong important at times of stress even if it sometimes involves food and drink 😀
    Sometimes one of our dogs will get a bonus walk if I'm feeling anxious - striding outside and looking at nature always seems to help.......
    Supportive messages from friends and my sisters - priceless..........and praying........that helps too x
    Alison in Wales x

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  10. Anonymous1:14 pm

    Should say feels so important 🙂
    Alison x

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Praying
      I like that you included that
      Not my go to,
      Somethings I wish it was

      Delete
  11. Nelliegrace1:18 pm

    A walk if I am able. I am doing a Forward to Health course at the local leisure centre.
    A novel if I am stuck in bed. Audiobooks from the library, reruns of old TV series. The Times puzzle pages.
    I have made the marmalade, that cheered me up all week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Diversion and physical exercise, two well tried and tested mental defences ..

      Delete
  12. I believe that you have skills beyond skills as a counselor, because of your own experiences plus knowledge. The way you can see the tiny details of a situation, a person, or a feeling is a gift. You will be in a position to help others, and in helping them you will help yourself. My counselor has told me that she learns so much of what she needs to know herself from her patients. I have an enormous tool box of coping skills developed over the years by the foundation of 12-step recovery, my skilled counselor, research and experimentation on my own, and a posse of my ride or die bitches who love me in spite of my glaring character defects! I can dip into this toolbox at any time, and pull out the thing that I need to help me get through something sticky. This was not always the case, and it took years of intentional work to get here, and takes work to stay here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well explained and nicely written. Thank you.
      Self awareness is the key, knowing yourself warts and all, and understanding your own triggers and motivations .
      Strange as it may seem, also believe in personalities , which are better at these sort of things .
      I’m a Gemini , and so can read a room rather quickly

      Delete
    2. Thank you, John. Personalities are indeed key. I'm a big fan of the enneagram personality types, and have learned my own, with all my faults and foibles, as well as those whom I love. Helps me to be much more compassionate to others, which can be a struggle for me, as I tend to be quite logical over emotional. You Gemini's are quite the observers!

      Delete
  13. Humour is a "go to" technique for me too.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That’s why we’ve followed each other for so long

      Delete
  14. Anonymous2:22 pm

    I write. Somehow it helps me to be able to lay the problem all out in front of me. I also ( and this never ceases to amaze me) sort a great deal out while I am sleeping. Glad Dorothy and you both had a good night. Hopefully Roger did not take advantage of the unsupervised time to wreak havoc! Debby

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    Replies
    1. Obviously I write too. It: does make sense of things, but it always allows space around a problem.

      Delete
  15. My most used coping skill is one I learned as a child-
    I help someone else which
    puts my problem aside so by the time I deal with my own issue I am calmer. Several examples come to mind that aren't needed to make my point.I think that helped you ,too,John, throughout your life,Mary

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The problem with this is that somethings you miss your authentic self and your own problem take second best

      Delete
  16. In my opinion, counselling should be offerred to every nurse, free, as much as needed. The amound of grief we deal with and carry around, plus our own from life, is a heavy burden.

    How do I cope? Writing, talking, walking, gardening, cooking, baking. I read this and it makes sense to me.

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/prescriptions-life/201906/working-your-hands-does-wonders-your-brain

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, makes sense to me too. I crochet and knit. It's been proved to relax you. I think anything that takes your mind away from whatever is troubling you, gives your brain time to process things. xx

      Delete
    2. Pixie and HH the therapy of using your hands

      Mine is cleaning, and cooking . Making sushi is mindful and has the added bonus of making something edible AND pretty

      Delete
  17. A good sleep can make a big difference. Glad Dorothy is feeling better too. Humor helps me get through many situations.

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    Replies
    1. It’s my go to, especially in work , where it can galvanise a team and bond it , instantly

      Delete
  18. Anonymous3:09 pm

    I don’t really think Gin is the best coping skill, but my go to is to just sit quietly and really think. Since I wrote about my problem with the stitches this morning, I have been trying to come up with a solution, and I do believe that I’ve got it. I found a large makeup mirror with a long handle, and by holding it up over my head I can see my back in the bathroom mirror. I also found the rubber jar scraper in the kitchen, so I am pretty sure that will hold the ointment. I will try it out tomorrow.. I feel back in control now that I can see my stitches. I think your humour is your strongest asset for coping and who knew cleaning toilets could help, must give it a try! Have a good one John. Gigi

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don’t think it is too Gigi, but it’s an inherited coping mechanism which houses it’s own demons for me and my family

      Delete
    2. SueJay12:30 am

      Gigi, my dad had the same problem with his back and eventually found a long handle with a small sponge on the end was suitable for smearing cream over his back. Hope you succeed.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous8:17 pm

      I did try my solution and it worked perfectly.. the mirror was essential and the rubber spatula worked putting the ointment on the stitches! Gigi

      Delete
  19. Anonymous3:20 pm

    "Drama is addictive, but uneven" That is something I need to think about Jackie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My first relationship was fraught with drama and big gestures and ups and downs which were exhausting but incredibly addictive
      I don’t miss them. Whatsoever

      Delete
  20. I don't cope too well, I need to digest everything, so I often take myself off to do a hard or messy tack, on my own until I am ready to speak to anyone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Digesting and reviewing everything is a way of coping in itself down you think ?

      Delete
  21. Barbara anne4:55 pm

    I often read to take my brain elsewhere or sew as that requires different focus.
    Medical humor, often really dark, is also really funny and is a great stress reliever.
    So glad that both yoou and Dorothy had a good night's sleep.

    Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Researching into gallows humour was an interesting job, I read many interesting papers looking how and why it is seen to be useful

      Delete
  22. Traveller5:02 pm

    This post is exactly why I have been reading your blog for so long and keep coming back! And also why so many think you should write a book.

    Glad to hear MsD had a good night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you deArheart x

      Delete
    2. Anonymous7:26 pm

      Traveller,
      I get this totally, and feel defensive and hurt when I was accused ( sorry we were accused) of being sad sycophants by a certain blogger angry at john’s warm and popular persona which she wrongly sees as being false.

      I come here because John gives me a bit of whimsy. He a sort of sad soul who can laugh but who can still finds life, a bit tough !

      Lee

      Delete
    3. Sad soul?
      I don’t see that , perhaps sad at times lol
      Others always see you differently .
      I will take whimsy ( one of my favourite words as you know) and sentimental too

      I’m sorry you feel judged though.

      Delete
    4. Anonymous9:11 pm

      No offence intended John

      Lee

      Delete
    5. As things seem to have calmed down in the comments very recently please let this continue without criticising others, if we don't approve of a certain comment or reply we could just let it go.
      The continuous replying to anonymous commenters threatened to spoil visiting ths lovely blog and it's comments.
      Keep up the good work John and enjoy your downtime too. Always a pleasure to read your words.

      Delete
  23. So very glad you & Dorothy had a good night! A long, deep sleep is wonderful and restorative.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having small, easily digestible meals , spread over the day , seems to be helping also

      Delete
  24. Anonymous5:34 pm

    I do the loving, kindness meditation. Sometimes it is called the metta meditation. Its words, thoughts and deep breathing calm me. Llynn

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It’s all about self compassion which is kindness , directed inward

      Delete
  25. Anonymous8:00 pm

    My friend says I’m more straight in make up than gay. She means that I’m blissfully unaware of most of my behaviours and motivations which I suspect is harsh but correct.
    I couldn’t be as honest as you
    Id cry all of the time

    Keith

    Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I nearly missed this , I’m indulging myself on another self indulgence
      The Great Pottery Throw. Down !

      Delete
  26. Anonymous8:19 pm

    I'm terribly introvert and hight functioning autistic (previously known as asperger, now "in autistic spectrum") and people/talking are the last things I could use to unwind. I need solitude. I used to drive long drives (more than an hour at time) and I used those times to recharge myself by listening radio/cd's -hard metal, hard rock, not ballads at all. Ronnie James Dio saved my sanity with Holy Diver when my boys died, I listened in on loop for a year in my car as loud as loudspeakers could handle. Might have lost some hearing though. It made my brains numb.
    I have always used this thing "now I need to puff..." and later I found out it's a method to activate your vagus nerve (sp?), take a deeeep slow breath, hold it for a moment and exhale sloooowly. Repeat if neccessary.
    I don't dwell on things, as an engineer and as a woman my brains are wired completely messed, so I can distance myself on difficult situations (not to deny them, but not let them under my skin).
    I sound prob. really lunatic?
    Ulvmor

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Vagus nerve stimulation lowers your heart rate , I do it by coughing too much
      Thank you for sharing this

      Delete
  27. Anonymous9:03 pm

    How do you cope - good ask. As I have travelled through my life so far with all the usual rites of passage, I now take the emotions out of each situation, get my head around it and then tie it up with a ribbon and compartmentalise into the little boxes in my brain. Most times when thoughts of the situation arise at a later date I find that all is and was OK. Not much to analyse there, sorry John. Take care. Jan in Castle Gresley

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think we all can identify with this method of coping jan

      Delete
    2. Anonymous9:19 pm

      Perhaps not always the best way but hey I think I am still fairly grounded, if we ever meet you can unravel my head😉. Jan in Castle Gresley

      Delete
    3. Or have a cup of tea and a biscuit

      Delete
    4. Anonymous9:27 pm

      I will hold you to that but a scotch egg would be better along with coffee. Jan

      Delete
  28. The kind of humor seen in the ED and ICU, and seen in wars are similar, in my experience. Both are ways of coping with the 'uncopeable' and understood by only those who were there. It's misunderstood by many.
    I look back on things I've heard and laughed, and things I've said, and regret many, but I'm not the person who was there then.
    Hope you're well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My friend we should never feel guilty of our work humour , but I understand just why you say that others misunderstand it
      My mother did understand it , and celebrated it , even as an old woman in hospital .
      I visited her and she told this story
      “ last night was busy on the ward, around 5 am a support worker came to the nurses station where the weary staff nurses were writing their notes
      She hissed “ oh lord I’ve found ANOTHER ONE DEAD “ and they all burst out laughing

      My mother survived the war as a girl, she understood

      Delete
    2. Anonymous10:19 pm

      My mother was a nurse in the war, she saw some dreadful things in the Far East before returning to Australia ….she was a potty mouthed when she referred to observations and memories , which was so unlike her

      Delete
    3. Wartime people get black humour , I get that

      Delete
  29. Knowing Dorothy slept well and is feeling better is one less worry. Self-care comes in many forms and is important to help us keep steady. Waking up after a restful sleep is bliss. Everything just melts away.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Such an interesting post and replies! I react differently according to what I am trying to cope with. Sometimes I try to keep busy and to my routine, or go for walks by the water or near trees, meet a friend for coffee or lunch, watch my favourite series, read, sleep, have a day out somewhere. Maybe get up earlier and try to be more organised so that I can manage a problem better. I find deep breathing and meditation help me a lot.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Anonymous8:38 am

    Anonymous
    My aunt lived alone she used a small long handle paint roller to apply cream or to wash her back. Just a suggestion that may help you
    Irene

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm glad you both got a good sleep. It's so good for the body and the mind and you both needed that.

    I cope in a few ways, but sleep, lots of water and fresh air and time alone help me cope with most things. When it's loneliness I find a good comedy starts me on a path to feeling better. But as an extremely empathetic person I absorb the atmosphere and energy around me far too easily so I have to be careful at times, even in my reading, so solitude is my go to.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Someone mentioned prayer and I remembered that in my darkest days I sung hymns. Aloud or in my head. Its probably my most favourite expression and a great solace

    ReplyDelete
  34. I just do it. I never thought of it as a technique or certain things I need to do.
    Sleep, solitude, walk in the woods, sitting outside in nature. I live in the middle of the woods ,which helps a lot. I also find answers while I am sleeping , in the morning sometimes, I have the answer . I am not really a people person. I can do people,it just sucks the life out of me and I am exhausted after.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Jo in Auckland6:07 pm

    As a support worker I find I am problem solving everyday with my elderly clients; trying to find ways to help them cope more easily with their ongoing aging and to keep them in their own homes for longer. Most people I know dread going into care. Once in a while I get overwhelmed myself and then I take a couple of days off in a row i.e. Monday and Tuesday which gives me a 3 day weekend then I potter in the garden and sow more seeds and water the garden with a glass of wine in hand. Once a year I take and extended 3 week holiday and this is where I unravel my mind and compartmentalise all the stuff blocking and confusing my brain so I can't think coherently anymore. To help matters I have completely stopped drinking wine. This itself can become a huge crutch in coping day to day and quite frankly it can get out of hand. I reverted to Zero alcohol wine which means I can be part of the "relaxing"evening with no side effects. I am amazed that after 2 months how much clearer I see things and can process things and move on. The odd gin and tonic on the weekend is nice to look forward to as was the wonderful negroni I had on my 62nd Birthday in Feb and doesn't deter from the general sobriety.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jo , very honest of u
      Thank you for sharing your story
      That three weeks sounds amazingly useful
      I’ve taken note

      Delete
  36. I think most of your solutions for relieving stress works well. Maybe not cleaning the toilet, though if you don't do it regularly, it CAN get stressful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think repetitive jobs like cleaning are a big stress relief especially in nursing

      Delete
  37. What a great question with so many interesting responses. Many years ago, I (like Karla) was fortunate enough to find myself a 12 step recovery program. There I discovered a Higher Power and was shocked to learn that it wasn't me. So now I pray and ask for help. There also, I learned how to parent myself and take care of my inner child. When she is hurt or overwhelmed or in pain I nurture her.
    I can imagine you as a child, John, and you must have been precious.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Anonymous2:04 am

    One of my saddest memories is my Mother calling me crying as she needed to change a bandage on her back and couldn’t after my Dad died. I lived far away and couldn’t help. It just was so sad in some peculiar way. Kathy near Chicago

    ReplyDelete

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