Silent and Not So Silent Night

I've had the best of Christmasas
The best in a couple of years at least
Because I worked last night I now have three days off , and so I got to my sister Ann's house around three, just in time for dinner
It was a real bunfight
Four  children, twelve adults
Everything was in surroundasound!
Usually I can't do with the loud antics of children but I found myself sat at the dinner table feeling somewhat overwhelmed with happiness. My family
My family with no expectations and no demands
Rowdy and rambunctious, as always
Silly games and much laughter

I videoed the pre meal meyhem and  then remembered one small moment in the hospice from earlier in the day.

At 6.20 am I walked back from my break to find my fellow staff nurse Nia with my patient..
The patient was an older lady and Nia, after turning her in bed was giving her a sip of sherry, unexpectedly the  two of them sang Silent night together in the stillness of the early morning
They sang Very quietly
And very gently I had to walk out of the room, so filled with the emotion of the moment
These are the the types of people I work with
And I told Nia afterwards just how powerful that moment was to witness.

Like I said
The best of days

Christmas Morning just past midnight

Christmas Eve ....the best card.....

I've pottered today
I think most people are busy pottering today.

The dogs and I walked down the old railway track and Winnie in pure devilment stood like a stranded  passenger liner mid path as thirty or so professional types on their speed bikes biked hard towards her
I am sure she enjoyed causing the strange gridlock as they all had to stop just for her and stood blowing kisses as the hard bummed Lycra bodies wobbled dangerously as sport shoes tip toed on the pathway.

I bought and wrapped my gifts, all in plain paper and string, dropped off parcles to trendy Carol and Animal Helper Pat. 
The hospice called and asked if I could go in tonight to cover sickness
I could hear staff singing in the background

I'm Emailing  letters to friends this afternoon....and will snooze in my armchair afterwards
Caroles from Kings
Mrs Trellis' Christmas cake with a slice of good cheddar

The cottage is nose to nipple with Christmas Cards, the Christmas lights are cheerful
The runner up in the competition is Heather Espley 's shining
But the Christmas Card winner is "Carol's" simple fabric card!

Have a peaceful Christmas Eve my dear friends

A Christmas Funeral

It was Islwyn Thomas' funeral today
The old man was a village gent through and through.
A huge supporter of the Male voice choir and a former village shop keeper, I got to know Islwyn as a warm, round faced smiling gentle man who wore his tie tight and very smart, and who would talk in a gentle Welsh sing song voice
http://trelawnydhistory.blogspot.com choice here

He was liked and respected and so I knew I had to get to the church early.
I was wrapping my scarf around my neck by the Lytch gate when village elder ( another Islwyn) stopped me, he had been helping the grave digger who had crossed my field to prepare old Islwyn's grave and was wearing his usual outdoor boiler suit
Islwyn held out a hand and shook mine warmly " You are one with this village " he told me with sudden tears in his eyes and I knew he had read my Blog on getting the mortgage on the cottage on Friday
Hissudden emotion warmed by heart, though we couldn't admit it there and then.
" Thank you!" Was all I could come out with as more mourners crowded through the Church gates
and we shook our hands again

The back three pews were already filled by the time I got there thirty minutes too early.
Old Trevor, Gentleman farmer Basil, Jenny the former postmistress, Mrs Trellis, Heulwen and Derek from the Flower Show, Hubert the village Baker.
Everyone I seemed to know were there, the numbers swelled by fifteen local members of the Male voice choir who belted out the hymns with typical gusto as Gaynor the mad organisist ( dressed in a sort of Spanish style poncho with frilly sleeves ) tickled the organ keys without looking.
The vicar of Meliden and Gwaenysgor took the service with a deep authoritive air and I couldn't help thinking that he looked and acted like one of those vicars from 1940s war movies.
He had a lovely swirling cloak!

After the service Marion from Bron Haul fell into step with me and took my arm. I told her I was staying in the village and she was thrilled
" Any new boyfriend yet?" She asked with a twinkle
Everyone wants me hitched I thought wryly

I am home

Sex in the fridge

I was sat in the hospice staff canteen picking at my tasteless mircrowaved meal when my phone beeped
It was Trendy Carol who was probably wearing something expensive and festive in green and red..................
..the text sounded all breathless and excited!!!
" A Fortnum & Mason's food package has been delivered for you.....it's TOO BIG TO GO INTO YOUR FRIDGE!" 
I nearly wet myself....

Seven hours later and I've just unwrapped three bespoke scotch eggs!!!
Massively hidden away in the cool green packaging of F&M

I've just eaten the smoked streaky bacon Scotch Egg with its sexy as fuck runny yoke!
It was better than sex
It was better than sex with a young Russell Crowe
It was
Glorious!!!

Thank you claire

You made my very long day x

Its started

Designer

It's 6.39am and the coffee bucket at the kitchen table has almost been drained

I'm leaving for work in exactly 6 minutes.

I met a dear friend for lunch yesterday

And was given a Christmas gift

My first pair of proper gloves! 

I feel very grown up

I've never been a 'designer label' person

Quite the opposite 

But I was touched by the gesture more than I expected

As if I deserve proper gloves 

Xx

" Do you know that you have a turkey on your head?"

"No, I don't, but if you hum it , I'll play it......"

The cashier at the supermarket caught my eye
Unfortunately he' s not the one I've got a teenage crush on !
I studiously ignored his hat
But he still said wearily " Don't ask!"
" Chin up & tits out!" I told him in my best supportive voice
And he beebed through gifts for Chic Eleanor, Sailor John and Mandy , Mrs Trellis and others
Without further ado
I've cried off the hospice Christmas meal at the posh Empire Hotel in Llandudno tonight as I still don't feel 100%

I'm going to spend the first night as sole owner/ occupier of Bwthyn y Llan In front of my fire 

....and Finally........

I didn't feel quite right this  morning but washed my face, brushed my teeth and hair and filled Bluebell with dogs early to go Christmas Shopping.
I had arranged to meet a friend in Llandudno for coffee and so paid a visit to Mostyn Gallery to buy some gifts, then took the girls into the hospice to visit a patient.
It was almost lunchtime when I caught up with my friend and after flat whites I walked to the West Shore and after letting Winnie amble v e r y s l o w l y, I sat on the low sea wall and let the dogs congregate  around me with their backsides pushing against my hips and feet.
My phone pinged
I thought it was my friend with a witty wise crack but it was an email notification
The email was from my mortgage building society's legal team
They told me blandly that from tomorrow I will solely own the mortgage on Bwthyn Y Llan
Ok I will be 70 until it's paid off,
Ok , it's going to be a bloody struggle
but from tomorrow the cottage will be mine, in my name only!

The four of us sat there leaning forward in the wind
And not for the first time this year.
I had a good cry
My first positive one of 2019

Reindeer clapping

I should have been singing this too
But i was puking in a bush!!

Still Not Right

I went to the Choir's Christmas meal and concert last night and lasted just after the main course
Then I cadged a lift back to the village and still in my Christmas Jumper barfed all down the lane home

Making a Cat Laugh

My New York Christmas Snowglobe

Last Christmas I was quite destructive and I knew it.
That's why I chose to spend the day on my own
I knew I was in a poor place and I remember behaving badly when going to a dreadful amateur Dickensian production of Gothic ghost stories
Instead of rolling with the dreadful acting punches, I ridiculed and bitched about everything and I made a disappointing evening a great deal worse
No one likes a killjoy.
Especially me
And there I was the biggest fucking killjoy since Herod 

Recently fate has been conspiring to undermine my better humour and resolve. My trip to London to see Nu and Sitges Jon cancelled , my divorce's elusive decree Absolute, halted by pedestrian legal work. Physical cold after cold after shits have meant time off work ( without pay) and the pay I have had has been squeezed thin by solicitor and tax bills both "thoughtfully" requested weeks before Christmas

Oh poor me !
But not poor me eh?
Nu sent me a miniature Christmas tree through the post, complete with lights and baubles and star while Sitges Jon send me a photo of a treat he had bought me from Fortum & Masons ( three bespoke scotch eggs!)
And yesterday I received two wrapped gifts from my nephew Leo
Hand written Gifts that lighten the heart whilst your arse is red from sitting on the bog!!

Sunday I was helping a support worker clean and move beds around the hospice.
She was fed up and tired and as we negiotiated a few fire doors which I managed to keep open my an over stretched bit of leg action I felt something rip in by boxer short area.
I overplayed the rip , just a little and the support worker who is called Cat started to laugh.
I overplayed more and we both started to giggle and the giggling intensified as giggling so often does when you are tired and a little sad and at work and are in need of a bit silliness and humour.
And moments later were we're helpless on the floor crying and laughing and messing around like little  kids in a school yard.
She told me how much she liked working with me as several of the nurses have done recently
And that's a boost.because it's true!
So Despite myself ,
I hope I am no longer a killjoy

Runs

Today had been earmarked for my usual Christmas visit with Nuala in London. We were due to go to Kew Gardens and out for dinner but typical of best laid plans , she found herself double booked so I reluctantly cancelled the visit. My train tickets were partly usable and so I rearranged a visit to the big smoke this time to see my friend Sitges Jon but now have had to cancel that due to a sudden and vicious attack of the shits!
The Christmas lights in London are a no no this year
And the all impressive ring of a toilet seat mark on my arse is the order of the day!!
I am mega fucked off
I've even typed this sat in the bathroom!
2019 has disappointed me almost to its end

So instead of The Regent Street lights and beers in Soho.....I'm watching Rogue One on my iPad
........on the loo!!!!
Hey ho

Sunday

Message to a few friends 

Keep on swimming 

Just keep on swimming 

Build Up

Perhaps someone can explain the origin of this Christmas card which arrived today
Miniature people dressed up as rodents roasting a rat!
I'm totally intrigued !

I've caught up with those pre Christmas jobs, posted gifts for friends in Derbyshire, Australia ( late!) and to my nephew in Kent and dropped off other bits to people I won't see.
Everyone seems to have had the same idea .
Animal Helper Pat called around with a bunch of long holly sprigs covered in berries and a bara brith wrapped in her ususl silver foil topped with a red ribbon.
Rosemary and German Bernard, Olwen and Mr L left cards and gifts and all complained that they hadn't seen much of me this past year
I shrugged...an apology

I saw Jason the Affable despot too...we are arranging a beer or two before Christmas .
He's had his hair cut and looks even more boyish than usual

I've lit the fire and hung the cards around the living room
Below are a few of the finalists of most original Christmas card
Homemade cauliflower soup is simmering in the kitchen

An Undertaker ran over my bunion today!

He did, and it hurt.
But he was very sweet and very gay about my injury
So much so, I thought he may of even kissed it better.
He didn't.
I am in need of a silly night out.
The election has proved just how odd the world is
The ward Christmas meal is next week as is our Choir night out and pub concert but some of me wants a daft Xmas night out
I texted my old friend Bunty- the- lesbian  this afternoon..apparantly she's single again
My text simply read " Gay Christmas nite out?😛🌈🍆????
She left a voice massage on my phone when I was at work limping after my bunion injury
The message shouted simply
" Graybags!!!!!!!IT's BUNTY ......AND its about fucking time! " 

Gentleman farmer Ralph

Most of my regular readers will know that I live on a small lane.
The lane snakes out of the village to the south West and turns at a house and then two farms before moving away across the Valley floor.
In the second farm lives Gentleman Farmer Ralph and his gracefully polite wife Mrs L, and this morning they both stopped to pass over a Christmas Card and a couple of gifts.
I love the pragmatism of the farmer's gifts
Handed over the kitchen wall as so many gifts have been  over the years,
Was a very large lamb chop
A Christmas Card
And a high viz jacket !

Since I started work at the hospice I take Mary for a walk around 6 am in the morning and at that time Ralph drives to the village shop for his paper!
" You never wear something light in the lane" he quipped " I am worried that one day I'm going to run over you!" 

I'm still collating entries of the Christmas card competition by the way, I am enjoying them greatly . I will post a photo of the top 20 soon.....special thanks to Flis and to Liz in Corsica, I was very moved by your cards and gifts x

Task Orientated

I feel a little caught at the moment
Caught between work and home.
I worked a long day yesterday, will be going to work soon on a half day late and will be working a long day again tomorrow and again on Sunday
The times in between seem caught up with sleeping, chasing solicitors and dog walking
tis the way of the world.

Now nurses employ several coping mechanisms in order to deal with the stressors of the job.
When young, burning the candle at both ends is often the way to go. Black humour and sassy team support are others
Mindfulness, alcohol, holidays and duvet bashing  all have their place too,
as does Task Orientation!

For those that don't know Task Orientation is where a nurse concentrates on the physical tasks that need to be done at work rather than the more stressful patient centred activities.
The job can be as mindless as you like ( when I was a charge nurse I often used to spend an hour or two a week pruning and watering a rooftop garden I had designed for my ward patients to enjoy.) but the activity allows you to come down from the mental pressures of dealing with constant distress in order to recharge or regroup.

Yesterday, late morning
It was my job to change the syringe driver medication for a dying patient
(syringe drivers, for those that don't know are medical devices that administer a specific amount of medication to a patient during a 24 hour period and medication which can be a mixture of analgesia, sedatives, anti nausea meds and the like)

The patient is a young woman and she is alone and unconscious.
It is rare to find this patient without her family and I noticed that they had left some music playing in their absence. The music sounded like the theme to Amelie

In the restfulness of the room I sat down at the bedside and occupied myself to the task in hand.
The muscle memory in my fingers is now established after the changing of scores of these syringes and the quiet task was a welcome diversion from another busy morning.

After changing a second device I stopped a moment and looked at my young patient, automatically checking her breathing rate and depth.
Then I sat  still for a moment, listening to the music that was playing.
I had finished my tasks
I had several more tasks to do
But I sat there with my hands in my lap for ten long minutes doing nothing more than being there

A quiet hospice room by the sea, and The theme from Amelie played sweetly on the piano

Sisters

Minds Power

                               Consultant Ganapatiraju Ravichandran " Ravi"


The patient was admitted in the middle of the night, something unheard of for The Spinal Injury Unit in Sheffield.
As the charge Nurse in charge of the four warded unit, it was my responsibility to help for the admission to come in and as they were being transferred from our own Hospital's A&E the admission was happening quick sticks.
All I was told was that a middle aged man was due to be admitted after a fall down the stairs at home. He was said to have a paralysis below the waist.
Our diminutive Asian consultant who had assessed the patient arrived on the ward at the same time as the patient and watched quietly as he was scoop stretchered from an ambulance trolley onto a bed.
The patient looked shocked and tired and had been partially cut out of his pyjamas, so as the nurses expertly turned him I noticed the tiniest of movements in a muscle on the patient's calf as a nurse removed a bottom sheet.
I shot the consultant a glance and he shook his head very slightly.

And so I stood back and watched the drama unfold

The patient was the only carer to two elderly parents, one of whom had advanced dementia. He had been up for most of the night dealing with wet sheets and confused aggression and had slipped down the stairs after 36 hours caring with just a few hours sleep.
The police had already implemented help for the frail parents and I reassured the patient that they were safe.
He cried and held my hand as the consultant performed the required neurological examination, his distress at his paralysis profound and upsetting.
However the patient wasn't paralysed.
He certainly had pain and was in shock from his fall, but he  wasn't paralysed at all.
It was also obvious that he believed that he was
I caught the Consultant's eye again and watched some brilliant medical care in practice
The consultant asked everyone but me to leave the room and sat down next to the patient  quietly.
"You have seriously damaged your spinal cord " he said carefully "but you are lucky that it will recover from any damage that has been done. It will need a week of strict bedrest here where the specialist nurses can take care of you but in one week's time we will get you out of bed and you will will go through rehab and will walk without pain and difficulty."
The patient, nodded blinking away grateful tears

And eventually he slept for almost 24 hours straight during which our unit Social Worker helped set wheels in motion that the parents went into 24 hour care. 
Hysterical conversion? Psychosomatic condition? 
Call it what you will, but a week after his admission the physiotherapists mobilised the patient with professional care and he walked out of the unit soon after to a life he could cope with again.


That day I learned that the mind is a very very powerful tool
and it's ability to protect it's host  is wide ranging and oh so complex

Oh and I learned that a usually medically orientated spinal injury consultant could act as the best of psychiatrists when he need to