I've never lost anyone I love primarily to cancer
I know I will
This video blew me away
Fuck Off Facebook
Thoughtfully facebook sent me a message and photograph yesterday of a memory dated exactly one year ago.
It was a photo illustrating a meal out with my mother in law ,but the subtext of that seemingly happy night reminded me it was the night I found out that my marriage was probably over.
That was a year ago.
and I have lived with the uncertainty of that news for all that time.
I have come to detest uncertainty.
it's power is insidious
Shifting sands do little for your psychi and your physical health especially when you may not have a home to go to after all of the shenanigans of divorce are thrashed out
Regular readers will recognise that stress has directly fucked up my immune system big style and again this week I find myself cancelling the good stuff because of the bad
Now that would give the neighbours something to gossip about!
I was due to meet up with a friend at a real ale pub in Conwy this afternoon so I have rescheduled that until next week and will book a badminton court with GD then too.
One step in front of another
I've been saving up for a dyson cordless vacuum for a few months now and this morning it arrived which doesn't seem like much to many but to me It was bloody exciting
Fuck life uncertainty
I can now HOOVER properly!
The Walking Dead finale
I'm still laughing at the Goldie Manure comment on my previous post, but have to spare a moment to remark on the finale of season 9 's The Walking Dead which aired tonight
After, the emotional romp of last week's character cull we had a more thoughtful, talky and rather deeper final episode with the survivors facing their first snow bound winter storm.
Suddenly the Walking Dead reminds me of those 1960 wagon train movies like The Way West with Alpha 's Whisperers playing the Indians alongside the snow covered walkers.
Showrunner Angela Kang has produced a visually impressive season 9 with graceful sweeping shots of the action set pieces such as tonight's walker appearance from under the snow drifts as well as giving the whole series a much needed dramatic reboot.
It's been the best season in four years especially when Negan saved Judith ...then I shed a little tear...
Now I have to wait until the Autumn until Season 10
Hey ho
I'm a sad bastard.
Malapropism
I told my sister that I was going to see him and the news was met with certain level of mild incredulity
This surprised me as I thought my street cred would have gone up a notch in my sister's eyes given the fact old Dara was a stalwart of Mock The Week and other such comedy shows
"I would have thought she wasn't quite your cup of tea" my sister commented as we drove out of Chester and then the penny dropped
"Who do you think I'm going to watch again?" I asked her
"Dora Bryan" came the response
My grandmother was famous for stating that she was nearly killed by a falling Insanitary bomb during the war ( instead of an Incendiary bomb)
I once worked with a ward sister who told me off for rushing a dressing with the words
"Patience is a virgin"
Malapropisms anyone?
Breakfast
I knew I wasn't 100% yesterday
Today I suspect I have the start of a chest infection.
A few days ago a poorly patient , having no social skills in politeness, coughed directly into my face with a phlegm filled mouthfull of infection.
In my 37 years as a nurse I've been covered in much worse, believe me,
A couple of weeks ago George started to be incredibly slow out on his walks.
He was still black eyed and vital but everything was done at a more pedestrian pace than usual
I got him checked out then and on last Monday when he got somewhat breathless out on the Dyserth railway walkway.
He has a degree of heart failure
This morning just him and I went to our favourite cafe on Colwyn Bay Promenade.
No Mary playing up, no Winnie bumming toast from the patrons .
Just George and I with plate of toast and a large coffee.
He sat on the chair next to me watching me carefully as I pulled the crust off the thick doorstop slabs
He's always been polite to the point of indifference except when food is concerned where he will let out an occasional sharp whine in hopeful anticipation of a tidbit
Even heart failure can't stop his addiction to food.
I dipped his portions into my coffee to soften it and blew the piece cold before passing it over
A woman at a nearby table laughed and pointed
And we shared a breakfast with our eyes half closed against the morning sun.
The Seagull
I bought a cheap ticket for the theatre tonight but I feel too jaded after nights to go.
I'm not feeling well today.
A few years ago, I fell for a simple glass study of a seagull which I noticed in a small gallery in Broadstairs.
My husband bought it and for months it sat in the window of the kitchen gathering dust and in risk of being smashed by Albert's gammy leg.
When we split I asked to keep it and today I had an idea to keep it safe.
I framed it.
And it looks mighty fine
It now is a constant reminder of the British seaside tradition
Of beach huts and sun loungers.
Steep cobbled streets and Morelli's ice cream
Of fish pie, micro pubs, people watching and of hot sand......overly hot sand beneath my feet.
I'm not feeling well today.
A few years ago, I fell for a simple glass study of a seagull which I noticed in a small gallery in Broadstairs.
My husband bought it and for months it sat in the window of the kitchen gathering dust and in risk of being smashed by Albert's gammy leg.
When we split I asked to keep it and today I had an idea to keep it safe.
I framed it.
And it looks mighty fine
It now is a constant reminder of the British seaside tradition
Of beach huts and sun loungers.
Steep cobbled streets and Morelli's ice cream
Of fish pie, micro pubs, people watching and of hot sand......overly hot sand beneath my feet.
Eating For Two
nothing to do with the post but it made me chuckle
I've been comfort eating for months now
and I've had enough of it.
I'm done with it
Nights don't help as I've gotten into the habit of eating shit because I am weary
Its much easier buying a portion of butter chicken from Sainsburys than cooking for one.
Yadda Yadda Yadda
It's no good belly aching about it all
I'm not stupid.
It's good that I 've had enough of it.
I've had enough of that quick oral fix.
I've had enough of eating in front of the tv
I'm waiting for the workmen from Welsh Water to turn up with my new water meter.
I haven't told Winnie yet, it will be a nice surprise for her.
As I wait I've cut butternut squash up and am roasting them with peppers and onions in order to make a spicy soup.
I've made a raspberry smoothie to drink at my tomorrow morning 4am low sugar moments
and the new rule in the cottage is that all meals will be taken at the kitchen table
Eating better is the last gift I can give myself
Things
I've never really subscribed to the notion of being surrounded by expensive things.
Nice, personal and quirky things …..yes
expensive designer "Keep up with the Jones'" stuff.....never
Bluebell is a low emission economy Vauxhall
My tv is just over a foot in width
and my latest pair of shoes I bought from Marks and Spencers
oh and my most recent underwear purchase ( which should always be designer in nature according to my how to be properly gay manual) was from Aldi
I do like nice things though
Like my latest piece of art!
This colourful study in acrylic and sand cost me £3.50 and that was for the frame which I got from Tesco
The art ...as you may remember....is all of my own!
Over the last year I have scanned the clearance shelves of TK MAXX. where I have bought bits of this colourful collection of wooden resin kitchen ware
not one piece cost more that a pound or two
cheap and pleasing
Useless, cheap but with a shape that is pleasing to the eye
Very much like my latest couch cushion, bought minutes after George and I went to the vets on Monday from a vintage shop in Denbigh. it cost me £6
a quick fix certainly
but so much more therapeutic than cheque book busting shopping sprees for designer clothing jewellery, and cars or betting shop or bingo site visits.
The Choir ( in a bit of detail)
Today I thought I'd share you my experiences at Choir in a bit more detail
More flesh on the bones, so to speak.
I'll try and paint a picture.
Last night, choir started in its usual slightly haphazard way.
Some people drinking tea in the corner of Gwaenysgor's small village Hall ( a building which used to be a one room village school) offset the twenty five or so other choir members who started to find their places in a large circle of padded chairs. The sopranos ( the most confident and most senior members of the Choir) sit in their seats of power at twelve o'clock. The altos ( the largest number ) sit at 3 o'clock and the tenors ( all ladies) sit at 6 o'clock .
Me and the 7 other basses sit at 9 o'clock.
The warm up is always a bit of a bunfight as the choir numbers range on good days to 40 or so
Jamie, our choirmaster , with his RAF 1940s moustache and 28 inch waist is a powerhouse from the get go, so after a few stretches, Hollywood-esque acting squeeze your nose and sing MEEEEEEE at the top of your voice and a bend over to touch your toes ( I don't do that one in case I fart) he throws himself around the centre of the circle whipping us all up into a bit of a middle aged frenzy before the first number.
Last night we sang a four piece African song.
Now, Jamie sings the verse he wants to each of the groups in turn and we all copy him like puppies.
As he sings he indicates the note he wants with a flattened hand, a movement complicated by his legs and bottom which dance around and kick and jump in time to the music.
it's the oddest thing to witness if you are not used to it for he looks like a moustached Woody from Toy Story (albeit a Woody with a nice designer cardigan and trendy brogues)
Within 10 minutes were were singing something new, catchy and rather good.
No one noticed that one of the sopranos was standing in the corner by herself dancing wildly to the African beat. Or if they did, they never said anything.
I always sit next to Peter who is a retired gentleman farmer. Peter is my new best friend because I bought him a trendy water bottle at Christmas as he kept knocking his water glass over during the more energetic numbers.
Peter has thick white hair, has a voice like John Gielgud and looks like he wears tweed 24/7.
Like I said its all rather relaxed with Jamie only shushhhing up the chattering Sopranos occasionally as he patiently tried to get us basses to hit the right note during a particularly hard version of Blur's Tender
We couldn't quite nail Blur last night which was a shame but just before we finished for the night we sang Tsmindao Ghmerto and for a minute into the Georgian hymn that certain magic happened ( as it so often does) and our voices started to blend quite wonderfully helped of course by the acoustics of the village hall roof, a talented yet frenetic conductor and a wish to get it right
tsmindo ghmerto
we hope to join this gathering of community choirs in the Autumn
Our Jamie is conducting!
Life Finds A Way
Every night they sleep in a yew tree in the Churchyard
and every daytime they beg and mooch around three gardens, tapping on windows for a handout or a treat and only giving a view of their handsomeness in return.
Its quite easy to tame an animal
You need to be calm, consistent, keep your eye gaze to yourself and always offer food when the animals are hungry
Follow those rules and the cock is in your hand so to speak
Three days after I left out the remnants of Albert's dinner, the boys were tap-tap-tapping on the kitchen window reminding me they were waiting for breakfast and only this morning they sat patiently on the kitchen wall seconds before a regular dog walker ambling by reached into his pocket to leave a small pile of breadcrumbs almost at their feet.
War
I was sorry to see Tara ( Alana Masterson ) go as she has given the franchise a certain humour but a culling allows space for the newer characters to shine and for the drama move forward and the message of All for one and one for all ( as the characters fought bravely for each other until the end)has been given a certain resonance given the terrorist threats we have all witnessed in recent times.
Time, Place, Person
George as a puppy with Meg
Please no comments telling me I'm a lovely man
This is an observation not a request for praise
The buzzer went off around 4 am
It was room 12
I suspect the lady who slept in room 12 wanted to get up as she thought it was morning
I was wrong.
The lady wanted to go home and was incredibly fuddled
I sat on the side of her bed and fielded questions the best I could
No it was only 4 am in the morning
No she couldn't go home to her daughter right then
She had poor poorly at home for a while so needed to be here
yes her daughter visited very regularly
My name was John and I was one of the nurses
Yes I knew that her daughter lived in the same village
No it was 4 am and it was not possible that she could go home
In nursing , reality orientation is centred around the reinforcement of time, place and person
but like any concept it only works well in the classroom and not in a side room of a nursing home where the ceiling light casts hash shadows on the wood chip.
The patient was becoming more and more distressed, not with the reality of her situation but with her own inability to understand what was going on.
She screwed up her fists like a child.
I thought of what next to do
divert, divert, divert
I gave her a drink. I straightened her duvet and I told her a story.
I told her about how I needed to take George to the vets later that morning and how he shakes so as he is sat in the waiting room.
I told her about how he came to the cottage in the back of the old white polo
Covered in vomit after his first long car ride.
I told her how he used to wait all day for the moment just he and he alone would be allowed to bed upstairs on his own
and I told her about how for nearly thirteen years he had never caused one minute of fuss or demanded one minute of attention
At first, during the monologue, when I left a gap or a space in the narrative she butted in with an
I want to go home
but as I droned on, she quietened down somewhat
I told her about how George totters along the railway walkway at such a pedestrian pace its maddening and I told her the story how he and William fought for the first and very last time as teenage dogs and how I had to separate them by hitting them with the contents of the washing up bowl and a bin bag full of sooty scrapings from the hearth and by the time I had finished she was quiet but still awake.
I tucked in her duvet and told her it was time to rest
diversion or boredom?
She closed her eyes
You use any tool that comes to hand
…..at 4 am in the morning
Dissonance
Recently I am sure I had the opportunity to have some "fun" with a guy I know vaguely
I didn't
But I am sure I could have in buckets.
The guy was in a long term but what he also described as an open relationship
Open relationships to me smack of an indulgent "having your cake and eating it mentality"
Children playing at being adults.
but I was temped.....after all he was cute and I am a sucker for a twinkle in the eye
Its a value judgement I know, at a time that we are all supposed to be non judgemental and objective
Pah!
Recently I had cause to be engaged in a conversation with someone who potentially could have sexually abused children.
I was measured and professional and the interaction remained measured and professional throughout
but the experience left me feeling slightly uneasy and conflicted.
Cognitive dissonance happens to us all.
I knew a decent and Christian acting woman who had a long term relationship with a married man for years. A man who never left his wife and marital home.
It was a fact that Just Was- it neither defined her but also like in many cases like the twinkling eyed gay guy in that fantasy open relationship, it was never really challenged or explored properly.
Cognitive dissonance grumbles away at people like a mild toothache which waxes and wanes
You live with it and the dentist isn't contacted.
Its all about self awareness in the end. Self awareness and priority of need.
I can be conflicted with an interaction with a potential paedophile but I can see that with its "professional" boundaries in place.
I can walk away from a roll in the hay with a guy who has a loving husband because the need for the roll is less than the need to respect the institution of marriage.
when both the roll and the respect have similar weight in my hierarchy of needs ….that's when the toothache begins.
There are so many people out there...….that have never grown up
Munching the Vagina
It made me laugh
Schoolboy humour is king sometimes
I returned the plastic vagina to its rightful owner the other day. The vagina's owner and I met in a car park of a local McDonalds just off the A55 and the whole process was all very "drug bust" and clandestine in nature.
I had to give the whole thing a quick rub down with an upholstery wipe before it was handed over as Winnie had a bit of a munch on it as she relaxed on Bluebell's back seat.
Spring Time in Gayland
I've got a friend who tends to spring clean the house when he has a spat with his wife.
A duster in his hand is synonymous with matrimonial sulk.
It's probably a sign of his good nature that I only ever saw him in his domestic role just the once.
I've spring cleaned the upstairs of the cottage today. Under the spare bed I found a mummified mouse and what looked suspiciously looked like a baby rabbit's tail.
I also found £ 3.59 in assorted loose change in nooks and crannies in the master bedroom, four un matching socks, 3 ballpoint pens and a small bottle of perfume (?)
I've scrubbed my bedroom from top to bottom. It was the first time I've deep cleaned it in ( dare I say this) TWELVE YEARS...oh the shame.
Like any self respecting homosexual in his middle years , I have also rearranged the furniture and the position of the bed. The room is feels more like mine and less like my old bedroom.
The significance of the bed move was not lost on me.
I'm having a night in tonight. It's my only one this week,
I've just taken the dogs out into the dark lane and it seems almost springlike warm.
The bats are out in fair numbers tonight and they filled the lane airspace with their crazy zigzags.
Only Winnie noticed them tonight and she stood for an age under the streetlight next to Trendy Carol's house with her head held very high.
She watched them for an age, her piggy eyes glinting with benign interest
Hummmm I'm now looking at the living room chairs empty of dogs......they may need a bit of a reposition me thinks
Hey ho
A duster in his hand is synonymous with matrimonial sulk.
It's probably a sign of his good nature that I only ever saw him in his domestic role just the once.
I've spring cleaned the upstairs of the cottage today. Under the spare bed I found a mummified mouse and what looked suspiciously looked like a baby rabbit's tail.
I also found £ 3.59 in assorted loose change in nooks and crannies in the master bedroom, four un matching socks, 3 ballpoint pens and a small bottle of perfume (?)
I've scrubbed my bedroom from top to bottom. It was the first time I've deep cleaned it in ( dare I say this) TWELVE YEARS...oh the shame.
Like any self respecting homosexual in his middle years , I have also rearranged the furniture and the position of the bed. The room is feels more like mine and less like my old bedroom.
The significance of the bed move was not lost on me.
I've just taken the dogs out into the dark lane and it seems almost springlike warm.
The bats are out in fair numbers tonight and they filled the lane airspace with their crazy zigzags.
Only Winnie noticed them tonight and she stood for an age under the streetlight next to Trendy Carol's house with her head held very high.
She watched them for an age, her piggy eyes glinting with benign interest
Hummmm I'm now looking at the living room chairs empty of dogs......they may need a bit of a reposition me thinks
Hey ho
Wise Children
My sister, janet and I waiting for it to start
Think Soap , The Far Side , and Amelie, crossed the occasional showtune and 1980 pop favourite played for laughs ( and cries) by a gender fluid cast
It was fucking and totally bonkers and wonderfully innovative, bawdy and sooo in-your-face.
We loved it
Bits
There are a few outstanding addresses from the winners of the Postcard competition to come in. Each winner will be presented (how grand a term is that?) with a genuine Welsh love spoon key ring! now I know I'm a completely mad bitch giving away such a wonderful prize but I do hope they will be enjoyed in the spirit that they are given. outstanding winners please email me jgsheffield@hotmail.com
I'm running late this morning, as I am meeting a friend for lunch at Porth Eirias https://portheirias.com/ . The dogs can come with me and have a walk before I meet her. She is a friend I catch up with once every couple of months or so.
She's mad as a badger., but in a nice way.
Some of you would have read my review of Nation's sweetheart Ian McKellen last night and today I wanted to share one little, just remembered moment which illustrated his pure mastering of his art.
He recalled his very first visit to a theatre as a child and described how he gazed with wonder at a backdrop studded with night sky stars. With a flick of a wrist and a half whisper that was pure whimsy, Mc Kellen seemed to live that moment from seven decades ago and even though I knew it was a pure example of an old queeny thespian flexing his acting muscles, my eyes teared up by the very power of it.
…...a lovely moment of indulgence.
Tonight my sister and I are of to see the musical Wise Children
Culture Bitches!!!!
A National Treasure
I loved Ian McKellen 's one man show within the first five minute of it opening
Reading Tolkien with a voice like chocolate he bellowed out his famous Lord Of The Rings shout of
"YOU SHALL NOT PASS " before encouraging the only child in the audience to come on stage to have a Polaroid selfie with Gandalf in his floppy grey hat.
Thus he set the scene for a tribute to his love of theatre,
His love of people
And his love of humour and whimsy
It was a lovely performance by the 80 year old actor who held centre stage for well over two hours with stories ranging from his childhood days in Wigan, his early experiences on the stage, hilarious side swipes at the Queen's dress sense as well as asides into poetry, Northern panto, Shakespeare, gay rights and film.
The audience loves him and it's obvious that he loves the audience just as much and when he described falling in love with an empty theatre's star filled backdrop for the very first time , there wasn't a squeak from the auditorium nor a dry eye in the stalls.
Cheap Shoes
A bad workman blames his tools!
and of course I've been losing at badminton because my trainers are now splitting down their sides and not because Gorgeous Dave has the 31 year old legs of a Greek God compared to my 56 year old pair of pigs trotters.
and so yesterday I trolled the shelves on TK Max for a new pair
I found these for 22£
He nodded in that all knowing way, I had not idea that he worked there
"Those are sic trainers" he said with a big smile
"Are they?" I replied and he pointed to their original price tag of £94
"Sure!"
I preened.
I've never bought a pair of "sic" trainers before
he likes his trainers
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