“Enough Cariño”

I was pleased the Spanish vet was on duty. 

She agreed with me about an ultrasound and has a lovely way about her.

She told that me my face looked sore. 

She’d be a good candidate for a hospice nurse. 

Practical, kind and straight to the point.

Dorothy refused to be led away from me so I was allowed to accompany the staff to scanning.

I clicked my fingers and Dorothy followed me and I couldn’t contain my pride when the vet said

“ You’ve trained her well”

Even I could see the size of the tumour on the scan and when the vet aspirated bloody fluid from her abdomen with a 2 mls syringe, she held it out for me to see

“Enough Cariño” she said quietly 

“She has a few days” the Spanish vet said “ Take her home and spoil her with anything she wants to eat”

And that’s exactly what I’ve done

We stopped at the village shop in Caerwys where I found a packet of cocktail sausages and then side by side, I popped one into her mouth at a time as she chewed them with closed happy old eyes.I didn’t cry until she leant up for a kiss well after she was sure all of the sausages had been finished, and not used to being free of her crate in the car I let her stand with her paws on the dashboard, as Roger does so much when we go out every morning.

She couldn’t believe her luck.

I stopped one more time to buy a cooked chicken for more dog dinners and some expensive flowers for myself. (It’s Mothers’ day) and we went home.

My email light was flashing on my laptop when we entered the kitchen,

I’d received an email from MIND , 

I have got the counselling placement.

Sick

 “ You’ve got to be fucking kidding!”

My first words this morning, looking in the mirror . 

I have a right facial abscess which came from nowhere overnight.

My face is hot and swollen and I look like Russell Crowe on steroids.

I was supposed to be at a funeral in Ormskirk at 11am but at that time found myself trying to be polite to my GP who has all the bedside manner of Nellie Oleson.

“ It looks bad and if it gets worse go to A&E” he said without a goodbye.

I’m now on three types of strong antibiotics and popped some painkillers down with them at the pharmacy after Ravi the pretty pharmacist gave me much overdue sympathy and my prescription .

I may not comment and blog for a day or do

Hey ho. X

Ps for Debby, Col and Steve

Cold

 My brain is too big more my head to cope with ( that’s been said before lol) I’m counting down to my next lemsip like a junkie but at least the sun is shining. 

I found a moribund sleeping tablet at the bottom of the medicine box last night and took it at 8 pm 

I’ve slept all night since then.

I’m doing very little today, having said that I’ve just photographed a passive aggressive note on the village noticeboard  slagging off the Community Council ( not the community association that’s different) and have taken its 1980s passive aggression to task on the village website.,

I’ve got to pick up a prescription for a neighbour and a friend in the village is just out of hospital so I want drop in some goodies before taking Roger around to the Manleys so he can socialise with their English setter Skye

I’m diverting myself of course, 

No sub conscious working here

I should have booked Dorothy back at the vets today but

Ive arranged for her to go in for review on Friday. 

Tomorrow I’m attending a funeral.

I’ve still not heard from MIND regarding the counselling place

But checking the dairy I’ve just noted the date

March. 6th

My “wedding Anniversary” date 

Just crept into my my mind

Curved Ball

 I shouldn’t go into university today.

Overnight Ive developed a streaming cold and have had little sleep.

We have an assessed exam of our counselling skill next week so I have to practice for that, but I will cut my day short and return home at lunchtime. 

I walked the dogs in a daze but as we returned home, I noticed Dorothy had a bit of poo stuck to her bottom.

She patiently waited for me to give her a wipe 

And wagged her stubby tail

But the poo wasn’t what it seemed

She has some sort of fast growing tumour back there

La Passion de Dodin Bouffant

 It does annoy me that many foreign language films get their titles changed to suit an English speaking world market. Les Passion De Dodin Bouffant is the perfect example for this afternoon I went to see the somewhat bland sounding The Taste Of Things which sounds to me like a 1980s British tv sitcom ! 

As it turned out The Taste Of Things was anything but bland. 

It is a gloriously elegant and beautiful film, exquisitely photographed and carefully acted, with every scene set in a French Country house in the summer of 1889, painted with the skill of a grand master.

The film’s opening sets the pace and style of the whole piece as we watch food lover Dodin Bouffant ( Benoît Magimel) and his cook and lover Eugénie( Juliette Binoche) prepare an exquisite meal for the couples 5 best friends. The pair share a deep love of cooking and each other and it shows as they silently work around each other in country kitchen to die for with all the grace and skill of a couple of ballet dancers. The ticket of admission pays for that extended scene alone. 

Magimel shines as the love struck, passionate and likeable Dodin with Binoche matching his every move . A stone’s throw from sixty she is at her most beautiful , and gives her character a haunting grace which is wonderfully moving . 

I loved every bit of this movie. 

It’s a beautiful story of an autumnal love affair

And a joyous celebration of cookery at its best

How Do You Cope?

 I slept properly last night.

Deeply and long.

So did Dorothy.

She woke me briefly wanting the loo around 6 am and disappeared out into the garden before we returned to bed to sleep. 

I could tell that she felt better as she lay still against my leg as she normally does.

Proper sleep, with REM dreaming is vital for processing stress. Stimulating rapid eye movements in patients with PTSD has been shown to be beneficial.

There’s a lot to be said for shutting the doors of your psychi too and tuning out of the world. 

I cope with things unevenly. 

The large glass of gin after a busy shift is a thorny reward, as is the takeaway or fridge raid, but balance in things certainly does help more . Cinema , theatre, lunch out, a company moment planned off sets the sad and the stress times but doesn’t always fill the gaps when a live body next to you listens to the shit of the day.

But they help

Nurses see transference regularly. They are also are on the receiving end of stress when their patients and their relatives are facing stressors that not easily resolved and coped with. 

If you feel impotent with an issue, a problem or an event, anger and resentment are often your to go emotions. 

Anger especially is  most easily accessed of all of them, a vent through a crack

Mind you ai can give a great deal of relief from pressure , especially in no win situations .

Humour helps me , more than anything too, but can be overshadowed by others’ drama . 

Drama is addictive, but uneven 

Humour brings with it some warmth and balance and laughter, it has been proven, physically removes stress for the body.

This morning, I  treated myself to the go to oral treat. 

Breakfast of potato waffles, egg and of all things scampi 

Bloody lovely it was too

Netflix, dozing in front of the fire, of and cleaning the toilet until you can see yourself in the bowl

Needy

I left the cottage at twenty past six and returned just before nine pm. Dorothy was asleep in the crook of my right arm by half past nine after her meal of rice and chicken and painkillers. 

trendy Carol’s Hubby had looked after her beautifully 

Thank you for all the best wishes for her

She knows something is afoot and is more clingy than Donald Trumps underpants

Off to bed 

 

 Sleepless night after 4 am Dorothy restless and odd despite painkillers

Just going to work 

Boy do I need myMcDonald’s coffee this morning

St Davids Day

 I was ten minutes early for my interview

And wore a plain Bluebell blue jumper, black pants and work shoes.

It was cold so I wore my new woollen coat and a multicoloured scarf , which I thought made me look vaguely “counselling”

I felt it went ok, I will hear on Monday if I have a place. The centre seems well resourced and run from what I can see and there is a noticeable energy in the staff I met , which I liked.

From there, I did some shopping in Tesco and bumped into an old friend, a sister from ITU. I told her where I’d been and she laughed saying I should have done it years ago. 

I was a crap ITU nurse she was in fact saying…the technology often baffled me , 

I met my friend Polly at Bryn Williams which was packed with St David’s Day diners. Each table had miniature daffodils in vases, so the place smelled slightly of piss , something even our waitress agreed upon. 

There was smoked mackerel scotch eggs on the menu! Oh be still my beating heart!!!! They were bloody lovely too

Lunch and gossip was lovely. I miss working with Polly, a true all round, old fashioned GP, hey ho.

Anyway came home, walked the dogs then went to Prestatyn to see Dune II  where my sister Janet met me inside the cinema just before the film started. We are twins but she does not hold with being early for anything ( as I painfully do) 

It was beautiful to look at as is Zandaya in the second lead, but the film, as sequels often are , is a bit lumpy and long. Timothy Chalamet still has a certain something, I must say, not my type at all, but he holds the camera and audience in the palm of his hand. 

I’ve not long got home, and have lit the fire ,and marshalled the dogs onto the sofa for warmth. I’m working tomorrow 

Fuck

 Fuck, just checked my interview for MIND is at 11am not midday

Fuckity fuck fuck…..

Mess

 

The cottage looks like something from the blitz

Why does that happen with only one human in the house?

Fuck knows.

Yesterday’s shift was full on, more like a busy A&E than a hospice 

I said to a new family that when I first came I expected lots of nuns looking like Audrey Hepburn floating about.

They expected it too 😞

So, this morning we went for a walk and picked up a McDonalds coffee, and I will be shortly standing in the kitchen and will hike up those bra straps in order to get the place in order.

That’s my only job for the day.

Tomorrow I have an interview with MIND regarding a counselling placement and I’m meeting my friend Polly for lunch. Polly used to be a doctor at the hospice but has now left for pastures new. It’s lovely we keep in touch.

Tomorrow night my sister and are  going to see Dune 2 at the cinema

I’ve just cleaned underneath the kitchen reading chair

One hard dog stool, one rubber chicken, one croc ( chewed) a small cactus(?) 54 p in coins and one pair of underpants

I bought too many cream eggs at the supermarket and stopped down the lane to give Helen and Ian, sailor John and Mrs Trellis one each 

This Is the Moment from Jekyll and Hyde

Lovely rendition , god I’m buggered 

Wicked

 A long day in college today, dovetailed nicely by Wicked Little Letters the lightweight black comedy with a suitably shocking potty mouth . I liked it, as the cast of this true story was to die for, and all of them looked as though they were having a glorious time filming it, There was some major scene stealing by Joanna Scanlon ( in a heavyweight bra) and a feisty Eileen Atkins which I loved

However it was Timothy Spall who turned out to be one of the most repulsive cinematic baddies since Scar  in the Lion King, that surprised the most. His performance was truly and genuinely frightening .

This is my sister’s review on Facebook , it made me laugh

Janet Parry

Foxy..f-cking...B-stardly ..bl--dy c--t good lol

Back at work all day tomorrow .

Essay Finished!

My reflective report was only 750 words but it took all day to complete 

I was tired after an emotionally fraught day at work  on Sunday, that’s why….I wanted to lie in this morning

Having a frightened patient is difficult sometimes as they need a great deal of time and watch you like a child watches it’s mother during a thunder storm . 

The trick to gain a patient’s confidence is to work with purpose, be honest and to look them directly in the eye as you explain your plan of care to them and their family .

You use touch with everyone, ( if appropriate) and you give them something they can control.

No one should be frightened at the end of life.

Medication administration at these times must be supportive, regular  and brave at these times.

Yesterday we had a word game about shots of alcohol instead of injections and hours after I met them

My patent told me I was fucking mad and we grinned and held hands with each other just before I left to go to the theatre

It took a while before I allowed myself to laugh at the jokes on stage. But laugh I did 

And a dear colleague who took over me on night shift messaged me this morning to tell me my patient had died peacefully when asleep not long after my shift ended. 

It’s my day in college today. A day which  has its own different stressors, so I checked with my sister if we were still going to see Wicked Little Letters tonight.

Some good old swearing should be fun 

I adore Jessie Buckley after seeing her tour de force Sally Bowles performance in Cabaret and Olivia Coleman is always worth a viewing 

Please no thanks yous for being a nurse…not wanted or necessary , it’s nice to ventilate about it sometimes

Dorothy had been quite sick today. I bought her some chicken which she enjoyed with rice and last night she slept under the duvet again with her honey head in my armpit 

I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue—live and The Complete Mrs Trellis

My friend Ruth and I went to see the stage uk tour of the Famous radio show last night. And a neat brogue wearing fifty something turned and laughed and agreed with us when Ruth commented that the whole north wales was devoid of all radio4 listeners as they were now all gathered in one place. 

The production was great silly fun, with the audience given kazoos to join in with the music rounds 

I will leave you with the clean Mrs Trellis anthology ( just dip in to get a flavour)

But the best double entendres were the ones featuring GIVE US A CLUE’s Lionel Blair in the 1990s ( when I was introduced to the programme)

They are not quite allowed now , but are fantastically funny listening 

Here’s the link to 25 minutes of some truly hysterical dirty minded radio 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1wTR03jlQ8M

Enjoy x

My kazoo

A Little Moment

There is a new horse on the field 

A skewbald pony infact.

He’s on one side of the field. 

The three resident ponies are on the other.

Mary and I watched them meet over the fence this afternoon.

Sue warned me the introduction may get noisy.

We sat in my bedroom window with a blanket 

It was cold and Mary looked like a little Virgin Mary with the blanket around her head.

She sat on my knee, watchful and happy. 

She now has a slight cloud in one eye, showing her age,

I hadn’t noticed it before.

All the ponies had been given hay to keep them busy but the three bays kept nodding their heads to the newbie who pretended to ignore them 

He moved closer at every munch though. 

And We could almost taste the tensions. 

The skewbald finally was near enough to extend his head over the fence and the three little bays reached over too to sniff the air between them. 

Mary shifted, excited at their meeting

And I held my breath.

A loud whinny, and two ponies jerked their heads and spun around, 

But soon after there was more sniffing and more head nodding.

It was fascinating to watch.

And Mary put her paw onto the window

As we sat a while longer to watch.

Azul Y Negro - No Tengo Tiempo

Was it Calpe or Fuengirola ? 

Who knows 

A family holiday with my sisters, brother in law and nephews

Circa June 1983

Techno pop filled on the Spanish radio and the bars, and one song seemed to be played time and time again.

It was my brain worm.

Bizarrely I remember walking into a small record shop in some town and in that terribly English way, I bought the first record whose sleeve I liked the look of , fuck me it turned out to be the song that I had become slightly obsessed with all that holiday

I have always loved that big of serendipity .

Now that record has long been lost, but last night, with my essay deadline looming , I set myself the task of finding that Spanish song from so long ago.

I love the internet,

It took me 20 minutes to find.

Mentally I wasn’t in the right frame of reference to write my essay yesterday.

I researched the internet, spoke to my friend Nigel at length about nothing, walked the dogs and walked down the lane to see Village Leader Ian, who was busy with friends in his garden so I gave it a miss.

Socially I can be so inept sometimes.

Underneath I’m quite shy.

I lit the fire early and watched a cracking Swedish disaster movie called The Abyss on Netflix, then texted Nu who didn’t ring back, made Nasi Goreng which I ate with chopsticks as the dogs growled for the best position to watch and then went to bed.

I’m meeting friend Ruth for lunch today but have rescheduled the film with my sister until Tuesday .

I will complete the fucking essay later.

Dorothy has lost even more weight this week. She’s on a low fat several times a day

She’s incredibly clingy and slept under the duvet with me last night, which is a rarity 

She’s feeling the cold.

Planning

 

I’m supposed to be writing an assignment

True to form I’m busying myself on other things.

I will knuckle down, shortly. 

A patient’s relative told me that I looked like the front man of the band Elbow 

Now I don’t know my Elbow from my arse so I had a look on YouTube 

He’s thinner.

But I’ll take that .

I loved this version of the James Bond hit 

This is my social life diary.

This is where all of my holidays, work rota and social life is arranged. Because of demand, we are only allowed to request a certain amount of shifts off at work so it’s important and prudent that social life is arranged properly.

Instead of writing my essay, the diary has been open and time away has been arranged. 

My sister and I will be revisiting London in the summer where we will go to the Saddler Wells revival of A Chorus Line. The tickets are not expensive if you get in there quick at booking time and will serve as my sister’s birthday gift. 

We will visit Buckingham Palace the next day which will tickle my Royalist muscles 

A must see is my favourite musical of all time and that is the tour of Come From Away which is showcasing in Llandudno in July. 

Gorgeous Dave and I also have tickets to the stand up Troy Hawke who is playing a night in Rhyl ( of all places) he’s a delightfully funny man.

After seeing how cheap some flights are to Poland I’m kind of thinking a long weekend to see my friend Alex in Łódź 

Love and Affection

 

What do you get a friend for his 70th birthday?

The inspiration came to me in a bookshop after a long mooch

The Guinness Book Of World Records

A good choice for a man who likes facts.

I wrapped the book in tissue paper and placed it with a card and a diary with pen in a gift bag and was just about to set off when Islwyn stopped me for a chat. I told him I was going to Nick’s birthday drinks do and he asked me to wish Nick his best

“A nice man “ Islwyn observed thoughtfully.

Nick and the Velvet Voiced Linda live in a comfortable cottage in the centre of the village. I got there around 6 pm and it was packed with people coming in and out, drinking and laughing. 

Most from the village.

Now Nick hasn’t been that well of late, something that’s not at all a secret , so his friends have witnessed his challenges over the past year. 

I thought about this after my second glass of Grenade Juice, and caught TCA chair Bridget’s eye as she downed hers. 

Linda serves up a lethal gin cocktail that works quicker to relax you than any anaesthetist’s syringe could possibly do. 

Suddenly it felt like Christmas.

Nick looked like Mr Bountiful.Surrounded by cards and gifts and as the evening party came towards a close, friend after friend said their goodbyes with a handshake, a hug and a kiss.

There was a great deal of love and affection in that little cottage last night, I thought

Love, affection and respect 

How lovely

Loved The World

 I was tired when I got home this morning. So much so, was that I only briefly walked the dogs, and didn’t even brush my teeth then slept the sleep of the innocent until 2 pm when Dorothy gently occluded my airway by resting her head on my throat.

We all trooped down to Bluebell and walked along the Dyserth Walkway with me sweating and overheated in my new smart woollen coat. 

We bumped into my sister in law who was taking her baby grandson ( my great nephew) for a walk in his pram. I’d never met my great nephew, though I had sent gifts and cards when he was born and was struck by his auburn colouring. So like my brother Andrew his grandfather.

It’s funny how some families gently disappear off the radar.

It’s the way of the world.

I’ve lost track of the days, but need to buy my village friend Nick a birthday gift. He’s 70.

There’s an open house do at his 4-7 for one of his wife’s ( Velvet Voiced Linda) lethal Gin and bitter lemons. ( a drink that could floor a decent sized African Elephant ) 

So I’m writing this, then will pop out to buy him a gift.

The kitchen looks as though there’s been a western Bar fight in it, Roger has been mooching on the tops again.

The rest of the week I will be writing a personal journal which will be marked and will need to be academically referenced, but it’s not all gloom, I’ve arranged with my sister to see Wicked Little Letters which I suspect will be awful , judging by how’s its being marketed) and with another friend to see a recording of I’m sorry I haven’t A Clue at Venue Cymru . For those that don’t know Clue is a much loved silly radio game played for laughs. It’s been running over 50 years and is filled nipple to knee with dirty double entendres. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I%27m_Sorry_I_Haven%27t_a_Clue

On Saturday I’m going out to lunch at a gastro pub.The Queens Head at Glanwyddan with my friend Ruth.

So it’s not all books and research.

And Dorothy how is she?

She’s plodding along. It’s very evident she’s lost weight, and that’s not nice to see, but her pain has gone , her sickness has reduced and she’s eating and enjoying walks and cuddles.

Let’s wait and see

A John Lewis delivery driver has just dropped off a new side table for my tiny tv ( see above!!!) and she galloped around the garden path with the others then craned her head up over the kitchen wall in order for him to be able to kiss her boney head.

Which he duly did, without hesitation after I gave permission 

I must have done something right

For  all of my dogs have loved the world