Going Gently

Supermarket Flowers

I heard this for the first time recently

This and other similar experiences I witness everyday are why I need a holiday this week

I’ve booked holidays from work every 8 to 12 weeks or so

Prudent me thinks

I’m on holiday for most of this week. I promised I’d work an extra 12 hour shift on Saturday to cover a colleague’s birthday, but that seems an age away now. I need a break from death and dying this week.

Today I’ve shopped and got all giddy in the supermarket as we in Wales can now buy things that are not essential

What did I buy? I heard you all ask

Six painting canvases, eight pairs of underpants and a packet of bird nuts

I’m a mad bitch

I’ve done laundry and washed duvet sets, and towels and blankets and hung them on the field gate and picked daffodils from the field border, placing them in an old fashioned milk bottle given to me by my dear cousin from a local dairy.

I’ve only seen Animal Helper Pat today. She was dragging a canvas bag of garden detritus to the field bonfire for burning.

Mindfulness

I’m sat at my desk at work

Cup of tea in hand ( no coffee...I treated myself to a large one from McDonalds )

I’m early ...I don’t start work for another half hour.

But it’s Sunday and the roads were clear.

The talk radio subject on the way to work today was

What has lockdown taught you?

I thought of when I met Chic Eleanor for a walk on Friday

We each had a trendy sandwich wrapped in pristine green bread proof paper and a takeaway cup of tea and we sat on opposite ends of a wooden bench taking in the view and the smells and the feelings of where we were.

Without talking

She’s teaching me mindfulness .

And it seems to be working

The view from our bench

“SPOILER ALERT: We all die in the end.”

Oh I couldn’t possibly live next to a graveyard

How many times have I heard this phrase over the years?

I heard it just yesterday, a conversation with a walker who was looking for local properties to buy

I don’t like the thought of seeing gravestones everyday, I really couldn’t

Arnt you frightened ?

I’ve been in Trelawnyd fifteen years

And I’ve known a few people who are in the graveyard now.

Sylvia the flower show matriarch, Bob the Chicken who taught me to kill chickens humanely. The Red Faced Welsh Farmer, John,animal helper Pat’s husband, Olwenna and Her friend Gwyneth from Pen Y Cefn Isa, Flower Show stalwarts Meirion H and Mrs Lewis , I could go on

Friends and acquaintances

I can walk around the cemetery at night without being fazed

And do,so,regularly

What is there to be possibly frightened of?

Just old friends

A painting of the church and churchyard by Hattie

The Funeral

The hearse turned the corner by Pen Y Cefn Isa Farm around twenty five past eleven. I could just see it above the hawthorn hedge of my field.

It was moving at a slow walking pace, with Ralph’s closest walking behind.

Already a fair , socially distanced crowd had gathered outside the church and the workmen builders cementing bricks around the new build behind my cottage had quieted their radio and had laid down their tools as requested.

Sailor John and I stood on the lawn of our respective gardens and waited.

It wasn’t long before the funeral cars appeared.

One of the younger women in the party carried Ralph’s shepherd’s crook which was a nice touch I thought.

Sailor John and I bowed our heads to Lywenna who was sat stiffly in the second car.

We have waved to her so many times as she passed through the lane over the years.

I watched the outdoor service from my field. Village Elder Islwyn and the gravedigger stood to one side in their yellow workmen coats and in the far corners of the Churchyard , little knots of people stood to attention as a Welsh Minister took the service, his thickly accented baritone catching the faint breeze to where I stood allowing me to hear the odd phrase or word above the caws of the Crows in the trees surrounding the village pond and the far screams of seagulls flying over the fields to the West.

Amazing Piano Duet

This mini film is worth wasting four minutes on

It’s quite touching

KFC

I used a lull in my workload at teatime to collect a KFC

It was for one of my patients who loves a takeaway

Food remains a huge pleasure for him, which is often a rare occurrence in palliative care and so like a couple of schoolboys this afternoon we whispered the long KFC menu and he put in his order.

I treated a few of the nurses who weren’t watching their figures too

For logistical reasons we had only been offered sandwiches from our usually robust canteen.

The patient tucked in to his zinger burger with some gusto and my vicarious pleasure in his pleasure was immeasurable .

It was funny but as I was sat in the drive in queue I remembered a visit to the same local takeaway three years ago. It was a summers evening and I was with my husband.

We had just been to a particularly harrowing relate appointment and I was feeling bruised and battered and vulnerable.

We stopped because we were hungry

And I remember feeling rather odd

Lost in those wonderfully indulgent eight spices

The chicken cushioning me from all of the hurt.

Let’s leave things on a lighter note

Taskmaster tonight

My new guilty crush

The comedian Mike Wosniak

What a tash!!!!

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

The New York Met emails me weekly

It doesn’t bother me much unless it’s selling it’s Christmas Decorations

I bought many of those when I’ve visited New York

Last night the “ Met “ offered me my own Ruth Bader Ginsburg Action figure and how could I possibly refuse?

So on a whim ...I’ve bought her within seconds of the offer

An elderly Jewish woman action figure of intelligence and humour

How gay is that...?

She will be my next so alternative Christmas dec

Maddie

Yesterday, I did indeed clean the patio of it’s dirt and winter grime. The old rabbit hutch which had doubled as a wood store was dismantled and added to the field bonfire and as I was returning to the cottage, I spied a squared off stone peeping from behind a large tussock of grass.

It was a headstone of the only dog of mine that was buried on the field.

It was Maddie’s headstone.

I sat and remembered her for a little while

My eyes closed and my face turned to the sun

Maddie was a Scottish Terrier.

She was my second dog, and was grumpy, taciturn and aloof.

A mirror image of Finlay, my welsh terrier who loved the entire World with an open heart.

Maddie loved her masters with all of her heart but showed her affection with all the distance of a 1970 s parent.She would lie next to you, rather than on you and would arrroooo at you rather than lick your face but like a maiden aunt who was dressed for mourning, she was fierce and proud and only had eyes for her nephews who she watched with careful eyes of shiny obsidian.

Maddie chasing Meg and Finlay

Maddie was never showy

Never demanding

And never overly demonstrative

She enjoyed her quiet life following the others and following you

And after years of not thinking about her, I remembered her quirks and ill temper and loyalty until my eyes stung just a little.

On impulse I lifted her headstone out of the ground and cleaned away the mud and the dirt.

I placed it against the wall on the patio and will soften it’s look with potted primulas and violas

I thought it would be nice, for passing walkers to read her name out loud when they saw the headstone

And wonder who Maddie was as they did so.

A Little Kindness

Village Elder, Islwyn looked busy this afternoon.

I spied him in my field , dragging branches to the ever growing bonfire mound.

He had been pottering around the graveyard,

The graveyard he has unofficially manicured for well over a decade.

He waved.

We talked about Gentleman Farmer Ralph

He and Islwyn had been good friends.

“ The family said that they can almost see Ralph’s graveyard plot from his farm “ Islwyn said and I nodded looking across the valley to Ralph’s farmhouse standing proud to the South West “Pity for them there was not a hole in the hedge“ he added.

I noted that the branches in his hands were the size of a small new hole in the graveyard hedge.

Another Daydream

I treated myself to a Moka Pot

They sell them in Sainsbury’s

Slightly pretentious I am sure ,

But I have enjoyed the ritual of the coffee making.

And to be fair it doesn’t take long to use.

I’m at the kitchen table at a loss to what to do today.

I’ve swapped my work shifts to the weekend to cover staff shortages and to allow me to participate in Gentleman Farmer Ralph’s funeral.

I will stand in the lane at noon , with the dogs by my side,

So what to do today?

The patio needs scrubbing of its winter grime,

And the loose downspout on the corner of the cottage needs fixing.

The planters needs emptying of dead wood and the wood store that used to be an old rabbit hutch needs dismantling

All dirty met work .....

I’m day dreaming too, thinking and day dreaming with my fat hands warmed by my coffee mug. The nice blue french mug without a handle...another thing that pleases me.

I’ll start work in a moment....

Just time for another coffee and another day dream

Guardian

One of the hospice staff snapped this photo today

I feel we have our own set of guardian angels

A Thought

Ever since I can remember when I have been out walking alone, I take into account the presence of single women around me.

I have never “followed” one, consciously I would always cross over a road to pass a lone woman, and I will often lower my eyes, respectfully as I say hello to a stranger when dog walking.

Am I a rarity ?

No I don’t think that I am,

I honestly think that 98% of men are mindful and respectful to women in public but our [ men’s] awareness of women’s discomfort does little to nothing to change the predatory, sexually inappropriate and bullying behaviour some damaged and evil men think is fun or deserving.

All the Vigils and conversations about this subject will not stop these men but efforts to change the justice system relating to the reporting of their behaviours will make a difference in how they are dealt with.

Having said this I found the following observation interesting.

“
Novelist Margaret Atwood writes that when she asked a male friend why men feel threatened by women, he answered, "They are afraid women will laugh at them." When she asked a group of women why they feel threatened by men, they said, "We're afraid of being killed."

The Incident Of The Lavender Bath Bomb

Blog reader Donell very kindly sent me a packet of lavender Bath Bombs.

Lavender is calming and soothing and relaxing.

I kept them for tonight’s long, wonderful soak in the bath.

It’s been a nice day all told.

This evening I had a phone call from one of my Friday quiz team members who strange-as-it-would-seem kinda found me attractive.

It was nice to have a flirt.

Anyhow back to the bath bombs

I ran my bath

Threw in two hard as rock bath bombs and prepared myself for a lavender overload.

I must admit as I was pottering around the bathroom , I did say to myself that the odour of lavender wasn’t as strong as I had expected but as the water was steaming hot and inviting , I disrobed and plopped bum first into the bath

RIGHT ON TOP OF TWO MARBLE HARD BATH BOMBS

( no one told me they were wrapped in invisible plastic!)

The other side of the village must of heard the screams, and I clambered out of the tub convinced I was mortally wounded.

With tears in my eyes I could see the packet of lavender bombs on the window ledge

They were described as being “ calming”

Hey ho

Calming ....my arse !

Mozzarella Dippers

This morning nine of my fellow students that had enrolled in “ A brief exploration of Wind in Cinema” met up on zoom for coffee. Several live in London, two are from the states and one lives in Malta.

I am the only Northerner .

By the feel of the conversation most of us live alone ( although rather theatrically one elderly and rather grumpy spouse of a professor type kept shuffling around in the background of his study carrying piles of washing in her arms) and so over the space of nearly two hours we chatted about our favourite films, the recent BAFTA nominations, what film changed your life and the knotty question of Was Hitchcock a real pervert?

All great fun.

The weather deteriorated this afternoon so, after a walk, the dogs and I went up to McDonalds and shared a whole box of mozzarella cheese dippers in complete, joyous silence .

Late Home

The weather was atrocious when I got home

It was 8.30 pm and Albert, who instantly recognises Bluebell’s engine noise was already in the lane yowling his welcome.

He stands on the garden wall and we rub heads.

The rain never seems to bother him.

It’s lovely to have a proper welcome even though the cottage is quiet and cold and dark.

I feed Albert first and in the gloom of the lane street light I light the fire, and minutes later

When I turn my head in the wintery lane the wood smoke flew horizontally towards the church .

Fifty steps later ,when I collected the dogs from Trendy Carol’s Trendy conservatory , I was treated to a socially distanced preview of her newest VERY trendy sofa.

Loved it too.......expensive leather!

I fed the girls and checked my mail ......a council tax bill, a vet bill and a lovely lavender gift from Donell

a kind email from Gentleman Farmer Ralph’s son was waiting to be read too ....Ralph will be leaving his farm for the village graveyard on Friday at noon . In this covid driven world this couldn’t be officially broadcasted but the blog isn’t “official” in the truest sense of the word and I hope the lane may be filled in a socially distant way with villagers wanting to pay their respects .

It’s half nine now.

The cottage is warm and Almost cosy

The slow cooker is bubbling away with another fantastic soup and Dorothy is already asleep on my own trendy sofa

Mary is asleep with me

I’m knackered.

As Damp As An Old Lady’s Gusset

I was asked recently how I felt in myself.

I answered with an honest and somewhat tired “ I feel old” an answer which was countered with a rather judgmental and dismissive “ Thats sad, I know a lot of people your age that feel much more positive”

I said nothing but wanted to yell I bet they weren’t wearing full PPE in a south facing airless ward without air con all morning ! I fucking felt every minute of my 58 years that day, a day when my underpants were as damp and inviting as an old lady’s gusset.

Everyone knows me better than I know myself.

My recent not-so-joyful sojourn into potential ill health hasn’t helped matters, a situation gratefully acknowledged by my colleague a medic.....he said men, don’t cope well with fainting do’s.

I didn’t .........I don’t ....

Well, you would be glad to hear that a plethora of tests are in hand.

A particularly nasty troll turned up anonymously on Going Gently last Sunday to bang on just how much my ex husband wanted rid of me in lieu of a younger and probably healthier replacement and perhaps you can see it’s not been the most positive of weeks when I always supposed to have a spring in my step and a song in my heart,

Again you try acting like Donny Osmond when the trolls whine on, PPE soaks your underpants with no pay rise, even a 1% one is in sight and you think you have a brain tumour!

Ok I was exaggerating about the brain tumour ...but you get the gist.

Today I have been hiding away in my office. It’s very warm and ordered in there and the dogs and Albert love curling up on the little Victorian brass bed behind me.

For an hour I attended a ward meeting on teams and was made to remove Dorothy because of her snoring. ( the shame). My sister called up and weeded and tidied the front garden which was a nice surprise and I made a tasty low calorie bean & barley soup which was thick as wallpaper paste.

I will be eating it until Sunday.

A tidy garden and thick soup pleased me today.

So did my new office chair with is John Lewis comfortable with its castors and adjustable posture hugging upholstered seat in a gentle grey.

It arrived yesterday and I successfully put it together today.

I need a hug today....a long doze inducing hug

I think we all do.......

A Galleon In Full Sail.

Film studies tonight

Yesterday Llandudno was struck by sixty mile an hour gales. The force of the wind on the Great Orme

(https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Great_Orme) was so strong that many more of the Kashmiri Goats plodded down from it’s heights to see shelter in the gardens and the bus stops of West Shore.

It was my first proper day community nursing on my own.

My sat nav failed, I got lost twice and the spectacle of me changing into PPE behind the hospice car must of made for hilarious viewing in near storm force winds as I tried to control yards of plastic apron which suddenly decided to take flight.

I did indeed look like the proverbial galleon in full sail.

Sheltering from the storm

Today remains stormy but more manageable .

Animal Helper Pat, village Leader Ian and Mrs Trellis stopped by at different times as I was spring cleaning Bluebell. The conversation is still all about Gentleman Farmer Ralph and his funeral.

We all hoped that he will be brought home before the funeral so that we all can line the lane in respect.

All of us promised that we would tell the other if we heard anything more.

Pat asked me about my “ do” on Sunday and I managed to side step the conversation.

I told her that the medical tests are in hand, which they are.

The whole subject, however has upset me, I have to be honest

Anyhow today is Hitchcock studies day and I’ve been cooking a massive concoction of garlic spiced turkey mince with sprouts and potato which is a wonderfully tasty low fat version of corned beef hash, a dinner that will keep me going for days.

I also framed a sweet embroidered blackbird, a work of art bought from a fellow blogger which arrived today and hung it on the art wall. It has a charm all of its own .

I will leave you with this I sing The Body Electric

Wanting Memories

Our on line choir listened to this together tonight

we were all moved by it and will sing it when we are eventually together

It’s been a year since we all met last

Tonight was

Twenty or so souls singing together in our living rooms, and offices and spare rooms.

It’s been a strange few days

Gravy Hands

Mortified.

I fainted as I was eating my lunch at work today.

I’ve never fainted in my life.

Woke up with strong arms around me and faces next to mine with no idea of what happened.

My hands were covered in gravy.

I’ve come home for a sleep