Head?

 What’s in your head at this very moment? 

I feel I need to kick myself up the arse

With a few things 

I don’t like myself today 

Nothing too drastic

The emotion is more vague, like a minor headache you can’t shift

Or that shadowy feeling of guilt after drinking and saying too much at a party.

I’m meeting Gorgeous Dave for dinner then The Holdovers at the Picturehouse

I’m a Gemini and need stimulation 

So It will do me good

Where’s your head at this moment?

Storm ISHA

It’s a rough night.

Almost by osmosis the dogs have wrapped themselves around me on the couch

Protection more important than fireside warmth.

We’ve been for a walk and I could tell they were thrown by the ferocity of the wind, and stood blinking hard against the gusts and rain.

We all hurried back for home as branches from the last ash trees cracked into the graveyard 

It’s dry January but I poured myself a port

Watching Over

Anxiety is always compounded by the dark

Nightime feeds it, as effectively as multiple spoonfuls of sweetened porridge.

Old nurses have certain ploys before they resort to opening the medicine cabinet 

A face and hands wash with hot soapy water and straightening of the bedsheets , will get rid of the restlessness in the muscles that get tossing and turning so exhausting before five am.

A milky drink, even if you can’t stand the skin on the cocoa, will remind you of childhood when the cool hand on a forehead and a stern yet loving voice of your mother , told you in no uncertain terms that it was time to SLEEP! 

More often than not , it’s the sense of having someone else around that calms the night terrors

A half opened eye glimpsing a pottering uniform, the sound of a trolly being pushed with the accompanying clink of crockery.

Does the mobile phone help? 

Sure does….but only when texts are answered and emojis sent

Tiktok diverts but it’s not real company.

The company that reminds you that there is someone watching over you

Best Of Both Worlds

I’m tired

There is a stiff wind blowing from the South West

And the cottage feels under siege, with the gusts roaring through the graveyard trees.

It doesn’t seem like 24 hours ago, I was power walking through Bloomsbury, with the obligatory Americano in hand , looking every bit of the London commuter scurrying to work. 

I’ve fitted in a 12 hour night shift too.

Nu now lives in Surrey

I have little notion where that is, suffice to say it’s only an half hour from Paddington, she’s having a birthday party there in May so I’ve booked the time off last night. 

I’ve just fallen asleep on the couch

Woken by Dorothy who knows it’s time for bed

BackStairs Billy

 London was freezing, but looked lovely, as it always does at night.

I got to Dishoom early and sat at our table nursing several consecutive glasses of hot spiced chai

Bloody lovely.

It was lovely to catch up and see the photos of new house, it looks delightfully villagy

But then I’m biased

 We gossiped and talked as we walked across to The Duke Of York’s just in time to see Backstairs Billy 

A frothy tale of upstairs downstairs at Clarence House in 1983.

The story of head footman Billy ( nicely played by Hollywood heartthrob Luke Evans) and his relationship with the Queen Mother ( Penelope Wilton) isn’t rigorous or in anyway in depth, it shows the mutually needy banter between “ one old Queen and another” 

Billy’s, job is to entertain and boost an ever growing isolated and lonely Queen Mother and she validates his camp existence by promoting him into a position of power.

On reflection both exist in a somewhat melancholy way, and it’s is a relationship, which Billy, is finally reminded, to be one sided without parity. 

Wilton plays the Queen Mother with affection, giving her a certain physicality and vitality not captured by the television footage we have all grown up with. But we have plenty to smile at too , as corgis run merrily across the stage and sycophantic guests are privy to her infamous afternoon drinks party.

Falls From Grace

Yes my hair does look somewhat “ surprised” 

I had a fall, getting out of the car at the station and hit the pavement with all of the good Grace of a sack full of tripe.

I lost my reading glasses in the kurfuffle but have only just realised that , now I’m sat on the train, an almost empty train on its way to London.

I’m getting used to the dismal service provided by avanti trains and decided to catch the early train to London after hearing that my midday service had been cancelled at 8 am. It was a good call but only one I’ve learnt after a plethora of bad journeys to the capital in 2023.

The dogs had been walked and fed and were left asleep for Trendy Carol’s hubby to pick them up at his convenience 

I will arrive in London at 12.30 , more than enough time to have a late breakfast, mooch around the National Portrait Gallery, check into my hotel before meeting Nu at Dishoom on Kingly Street, around the corner to Carnaby Street.

Nu and London has been somewhat of a touchstone for me over the past few years and despite some fraught journeys , it remains very much that.

A place always associated with laughter and with theatre

 

Booties

 

I’m officially an old twat

I bought myself “ booties” from the supermarket.

And I look like a fat Eskimo from the waist down 

At least they haven’t got an easy get on zip at the front, or God forbid, Velcro closers.

Shoot me when I’m wearing something with a zip on the front.

It’s a lazy day today. I’m off to London tomorrow taking Nu to see Backstairs Billy 

Church Cottage

 

My cottage was built in the middle of the  seventeenth Century, probably earlier, but was probably  derelict for a while as it disappeared from the local census documents for at least a decade or so.

It has weathered three hundred winters, hunkered down next to the Church Wall alongside her sister cottage , and has always made this part of Newmarket a little village all of its own. It was referred to as Llan Cottage 1 which is loosely translated as Church Cottage 

“Even now the names of many places in Wales begin with Llan. It means “Church” – or, rather, the enclosed land around the church where Christian converts had settled – and, as far as town or church names are concerned, is often combined with the name of an individual”

Newmarket ( The Old English name for the village, it was given its old name Trelawnyd back in 1957) Trelawnyd literally means The Town Of Wheat. But this corner of the Church and the cottages were referred to as Tan Y Fynwent ( a place under the Churchyard) 

The modern name Bwthyn y llan , is a mouthful and difficult to pronounce. It means Church Cottage from the full Welsh

Vit D

 I love little moments that matter. 

They make everything worthwhile.

It’s a study day at home today. Reading around Uni subjects, catching up with paperwork , rewriting notes.

Emailing and list ticking.

I shopped for dog food and picked up my antibiotic prescription which was delayed from Friday.

It’s cold but sunny, 

And I suddenly realised that I needed the Sun on my face.

For an hour, after I returned home,  I sat in front of the cottage, 

Just like Auntie Gladys used to do up High Street in the height of summer.

I sipped coffee and listened to Radio 2

And Mary joined me and immediately fell asleep, snoring gently.

As I watched the Sun shine through the metal agapanthus sculptures 

With narrow eyes, and a warm face

Isn’t he lovely

 

Human Face

 

M

Most people in the UK have known about the Post Office Scandal for several years now. However it has taken the ITV drama , Mr Bates vrs The Post Office to galvanise the government into some drastic appropriate and justified action over the past week.

Interesting yes, surprisingly no, I’m not surprised at all. Once the general public knew that the Government investigation was in progress, it was all old news. 

Vindication would come in time and Horizon IT would be defunct.

But the truth has been very different

And here enters Toby Jones one of my favourite actors .

In the horror The Mist , Toby was famous for playing Supermarket manager Ollie Weeks, a mild mannered bachelor who turned sharpe shooting hero when the chips were down and this mild mannered hero-from-nowhere character surfaced again as the Post Master Alan Bates who took on the Post office henchmen and won.

The drama showed the human face of this disaster. It lifted away from mere news and gave it a heart and that heart fired up empathy and advanced empathy in most people who watched it. 

Empathy changed things 

And obviously the publicity didn’t hurt either.

Advanced empathy often gets lost in the day to day.

We lose track of that human face, those human feelings behind being us being right, getting along, walking our own path. 

Many years ago I nursed a spinal injury patient who was a horror to everyone around him. He was truculent and angry and rude and snappy not only to nursing staff but to his family and friends and colleagues. Visiting times were often filled with him yelling at his grandchildren for being noisy, or berating his wife for bringing the wrong book or even sitting in the wrong chair.

One day, after one of my staff had left his bedside in tears, I challenged his behaviour but instead of taking the this behaviour is unacceptable route, I sat down quietly and told him I was at a loss with him. 

“ I feel helpless and upset by your constant criticism ” I said “it upsets me to hear it and I am only on duty seven hours a day, so how does your wife feel being on the firing line 24/7? “

The patient went quiet and hung his head as the tears flowed. Suddenly he looked like the person he had become, a frightened child  who was angry at the world.

He was no longer the monster patient in bed four.

Smaller examples show up here in blogland, and it’s not hard to figure out just why it happens. Like in the press, bloggers often become unreal, polarised figments of ridicule or people just to disagree with. They are not people, they are adversaries that hide behind rhetoric and opinion, shit many don’t even have a face to put a name to.

 Only yesterday a blog commentator decided to use the fact that I am on long term antibiotics to support her bandwagon of the dangers of such practice in the health system. They did this, without my permission and without any full knowledge of the hoops I’ve been through coming to this decision with my GP, especially as any realistic alternatives cannot adequately protect me from a urosepsis, a condition which has laid me physically and mentally ,very low of a couple of occasions. I fully understand and support the modern day research based medical practice NOT to over prescribe antibiotics, but that wasn’t acknowledged at all just  that I was sanctioning misuse which was reported as fact. 

The empathy was lost in both of these examples, but like the bad tempered spinal patient who had psychologically regressed into childhood, it’s not hard to see his human face once you let your guard down and empathy in.

So before you rattle your sabres on line , 

Spare a thought to the human face of the person you seem so angry at.

And take a deep breath

Do you really need to make a point so badly ? 

Is empathy such a terrible concept ?

And I point this question at myself too

Perhaps I’m guilty of not seeing certain commentators human face too

Funny Old Day

 

I had planned to meet my friend Colin for lunch in Chester today but I felt all out of sorts as soon as I got back from morning walks. 

He’s an understanding soul with as much gay drama in him as an empty theatre, so we rescheduled and after avocados on bagels and ordering Nu some flowers as she has finally moved into her new house , uncharacteristically I went back to bed.

Perhaps it was the fact that I needed that duvet cocoon 

Or simply more sleep. 

I woke at three after dreaming vivid dreams and it was raining and Misty and cold.

The dogs had been patient so I took them to the beach, where the cold rain stung our eyes and woke me up sufficiently enough for me to feel hungry

I bought a large fish pie on the way home, the sort that taste better than they look.

It’s in the oven now.

It’s been a funny old day

Village Day

 

Mrs Trellis has her overly erect bobble hat on, so you know it’s cold

She’s written a story about the Avanti West Coast Trains and wanted to know if I would blog it. 

I told her that I would 

Blue shivered in the cold despite his expensive woolly coat .

Roger went around to the Manley’s to socialise with bouncy new English Setter Skye. The meeting went well, with his placid dimness calming her innate silliness and after an hour both had found themselves calm, and warming close to the fire.

It was almost dark when I got home, and village Elder Islwyn, half joking , told me off for my untidy. Drive. It’s bin day tomorrow and so he has a habit of changing some of the contents of my refuse bins in order to “streamline”  things better. 

I’m obviously a work in progress

He picked up the litter in my drive 

I just go with the flow 

I dropped my TCA resignation letter to the velvet voiced Linda and stayed for a lovely, potent, and much welcomed gin and bitter lemon

I bought some second hand records today, a deluxe 2 LP set of Andy Williams 1968 , Sound of Music and Abba The Visitors 1981. Eve( daughter of affable despot Jason) has messaged, she has been gifted hundreds of LP S if I want to do through them xx how kind

And made Chicken and Sweetcorn soup thickened with fluffy egg

11 January 2024

I bought a cheap turntable and some vinyl records today which pleased me greatly, 

Baking Bread

I’m just about to go into an 11 am baking course 

Today it’s bread, the type of which I’m not sure of yet.

I’ve not been before so this is a new skill.

More information later! 

I made two bloomers on the course.  One sourdough which just needed stretching and folding and a classic white boomer which just needed “ knocking back” instead of intense kneading. 

The course was open to all, but clearly had been designed for people on low budgets and limited experience. 

On my table was Leanne, a mum in her twenties who wanted to boost her self esteem ( her words not mine) and Tony who was an unemployed retail worker and lived with his mum. 

We had a jolly laugh all told. 

Leanne was surprised to see me there “given the well known fact that all gays bake well”

Tony had come because he was interested after watching Bake Off in the autumn.

I gave Tony one of my loaves at the end, I couldn’t eat them both

I stopped off at Home bargains on the way home to get a dinosaur tidy away box and then valeted Bluebell at the garage before my final job of the day, sorting out the patio clearance which I will get stuck into after writing this.

Put Your Money where your mouth is !

The first fifth of my counselling course is almost completed 

The next part veers away from academia to the psychological 

As a group we embark on  “Personal Development” which is essentially weekly facilitated group therapy .

Individually we have to experience therapy as any client would do.

Paying for the service like any other member of the public.

Soon after we start our placement areas supervised by trained therapists specially trained in the support of rookie counsellors. We have to pay for that support too. 

I have already started my counselling experience and I have a male counsellor at my request. 

He’s gay, insightful and has lovely potted plants.

Today, after college I explored my dealing ( or lack of dealing) with loss and the session was filled to the brim of grief and of crying.

I have never cried for a nearly an hour , in my life before.

Even my counsellor looked a little concerned

Are you ok to drive home ?”he eventually asked

And I was, even though I looked like a melted waxwork of Christopher Biggins  

Is this normal ?” I asked before I left, knowing the answer as soon as I said it

And my counsellor , knowing his stuff , said nothing but “well done” 

I lit the fire when I got home, answered blog comments without thinking and curled up on the couch in the dark under a blanket covered in dogs, who could all sense the emotion of the day.

We shared a large packet of chicken crisps 

And my salty cheeks were licked clean of historic sadness

Discuss

 

I’m back in university today 

'This be the verse 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.  They fill you with the faults they had  And add some extra, just for you.  But they were fucked up in their turn  By fools in old-style hats and coats,  Who half the time were soppy-stern  And half at one another's throats.  Man hands on misery to man.  It deepens like a coastal shelf.  Get out as early as you can,  And don't have any kids yourself.  Philip Larkin

Far From The Madding Crowd

 “ Far from the madding crowd's ignoble strife, Their sober wishes never learned to stray”

So goes the Poem. 

I’ve spring cleaned the living room today.Scrubbing away the soot and dust and washed curtains, carpets and upholstery, stopping here and there to catch up with 1967 film Far From The Madding Crowd before sweeping away dirty cobwebs like a tubby Snow White with my feather duster.

Far From the Madding Crowd was a long movie and was filled with the beautiful people of the day. Terence Stamp was glorious as was Julie Christie but Alan Bates was a bloody lovely hunk of spunk, and made for a very believable Victorian shepherd.

The film finished just short of 5 pm and so did my cleaning 

Men Up

 The first clinical drugs trail for viagra were held, surprisingly in Wales. 

Swansea in fact back in 1994.

The Welsh produced fictionalised story of the men who joined that trail was shown on tv recently to much acclaim. The movie is called Men Up , and it starred an all Welsh cast led by Iwan Rheon and Mark Lewis Jones . 

I found the story of Eddie O’Connor ( Paul Rhys) incredibly moving and this, his speech, as he is ousted from the research trial for being a gay man, incredibly powerful

Winter Cleaning with updates

 It was minus four when we went for our morning walk. It’s minus one now and I’m just about to spring clean the bedroom. 

The activity will warm me up.

I may add to the post later

It’s nearly 1 pm and the bedroom is done .I’ve even washed the floorboards.

The plants I’ve showered in the bathroom and even though it’s just 2 degrees, I’ve opened up the cottage to the healing watery winter sun.

Now the bathroom 

The bathroom was easy and is smelling likes a nun’s hum