Human Face

 
M

Most people in the UK have known about the Post Office Scandal for several years now. However it has taken the ITV drama , Mr Bates vrs The Post Office to galvanise the government into some drastic appropriate and justified action over the past week.
Interesting yes, surprisingly no, I’m not surprised at all. Once the general public knew that the Government investigation was in progress, it was all old news. 
Vindication would come in time and Horizon IT would be defunct.
But the truth has been very different
And here enters Toby Jones one of my favourite actors .
In the horror The Mist , Toby was famous for playing Supermarket manager Ollie Weeks, a mild mannered bachelor who turned sharpe shooting hero when the chips were down and this mild mannered hero-from-nowhere character surfaced again as the Post Master Alan Bates who took on the Post office henchmen and won.
The drama showed the human face of this disaster. It lifted away from mere news and gave it a heart and that heart fired up empathy and advanced empathy in most people who watched it. 
Empathy changed things 
And obviously the publicity didn’t hurt either.

Advanced empathy often gets lost in the day to day.
We lose track of that human face, those human feelings behind being us being right, getting along, walking our own path. 
Many years ago I nursed a spinal injury patient who was a horror to everyone around him. He was truculent and angry and rude and snappy not only to nursing staff but to his family and friends and colleagues. Visiting times were often filled with him yelling at his grandchildren for being noisy, or berating his wife for bringing the wrong book or even sitting in the wrong chair.
One day, after one of my staff had left his bedside in tears, I challenged his behaviour but instead of taking the this behaviour is unacceptable route, I sat down quietly and told him I was at a loss with him. 
“ I feel helpless and upset by your constant criticism ” I said “it upsets me to hear it and I am only on duty seven hours a day, so how does your wife feel being on the firing line 24/7? “
The patient went quiet and hung his head as the tears flowed. Suddenly he looked like the person he had become, a frightened child  who was angry at the world.
He was no longer the monster patient in bed four.

Smaller examples show up here in blogland, and it’s not hard to figure out just why it happens. Like in the press, bloggers often become unreal, polarised figments of ridicule or people just to disagree with. They are not people, they are adversaries that hide behind rhetoric and opinion, shit many don’t even have a face to put a name to.

 Only yesterday a blog commentator decided to use the fact that I am on long term antibiotics to support her bandwagon of the dangers of such practice in the health system. They did this, without my permission and without any full knowledge of the hoops I’ve been through coming to this decision with my GP, especially as any realistic alternatives cannot adequately protect me from a urosepsis, a condition which has laid me physically and mentally ,very low of a couple of occasions. I fully understand and support the modern day research based medical practice NOT to over prescribe antibiotics, but that wasn’t acknowledged at all just  that I was sanctioning misuse which was reported as fact. 
The empathy was lost in both of these examples, but like the bad tempered spinal patient who had psychologically regressed into childhood, it’s not hard to see his human face once you let your guard down and empathy in.
So before you rattle your sabres on line , 
Spare a thought to the human face of the person you seem so angry at.
And take a deep breath
Do you really need to make a point so badly ? 
Is empathy such a terrible concept ?

And I point this question at myself too
Perhaps I’m guilty of not seeing certain commentators human face too

86 comments:

  1. Often comments are knee-jerk reactions. That's no help if they're hurtful. Better to keep quiet than strident.

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    1. I’ve amended my last sentence which I was sure remained clear, but on rereading the comments it missed slightly. I’m including myself if this post plea

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  2. As I get older, I find I get angry less and less, except when there is obvious injustice. I try to, as the saying goes, walk a mile in someone's shoes, before judging them. We none of us know the full story of someone's life. There'll always be people who think they know better than us what we need, though. xx

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    1. I hate to be told what I think especially if that one thing is an untruth

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  3. Just because I don't agree with someone I am reading , does not give me the right to make offensive comments, in fact if I disagree, I say nothing, we all have our own lives and reasons for what we do. If I constantly disagree, I vote with my unfollow button. As I see often 'it's good to sit and say nothing'

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    1. I hope Ursula is reading..perhaps it’s time to agree to a truce

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    2. I think that if a person disagrees in a respectful way, it shows that they believe in ones ability to change or consider another perspective. I'd always prefer a respectful disagreement than for someone to just not make the effort and unfollow. Saying nothing means you don't care enough to explore the issue or be curious about their motive

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    3. Kylie I totally disagree with your statement, but let's leave it there.

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  4. I am sorry that you were treated badly online. It is not particularly pleasant when that happens. I learned from a very early age (thanks Mum) that disagreeing with people who have rigidly set opinions does not end well. For my own sanity and peace of mind I try not to enter into arguments and will just walk away. Cowardly? Undoubtedly so.

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    1. As I said before , perhaps a truce is the only practical way forward

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  5. Anonymous12:24 pm

    I saw the exchange , which ended with two other bloggers arguing a point, (which I thought was fair enough) However we all forget that not all blogs are forums free to say exactly what you like , they are personal areas, and that personal space should be respected.

    I like how you’ve used empathy to remind us all ( and you yourself) of the people behind the words.

    Lee

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  6. I have been a target for several disturbed people - tried to help them but to my cost - eventually I find for me it's best to leave them in their misery to wallow which is how they prefer to survive their problems - The individuals - leeches x

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    1. Anonymous1:44 pm

      I once thought John’s TROLL to be you flis , I don’t now.

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    2. Flis you post the oddest of comments , but I for one am not upset by them

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    3. Perhaps I do have an odd brain function - When I was 20 the Dr decided twice to give me electric shock traeatment - I have bad headaches and 6 years ago an electric storm in my head - I am an empath and extremely intuitive x

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  7. Anonymous1:00 pm

    Agree with comments above. It's always puzzling to me when some folk decide that's it's fine to have a rant on someone else's blog......rude and unnecessary.......I feel it's a privilege to comment.......joining in a civilised conversation, and my world would feel smaller without the blogs I enjoy.
    Alison in Wales x

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    1. I think it’s all:about ground rules.some blogs discuss world events , politics , etc so a degree of debate is expected
      I do not, as my blog is generally about my life and my perspectives of it.
      I don’t require debate on my thoughts, they are generally already thought through
      But I’m happy to debate issues if I want to or request to

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  8. Our school hymn was God be in my head to which I have recently added an extra line:
    God be in my keyboard, and in my writing.
    Any opinions I have are mine alone and should not be forced on to all and sundry.

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  9. I love everything Toby Jones is in .... he is such a good actor and can play anyone. I am rewatching The Detectorists at the moment .... such a lovely , gentle series. I remember him in Poirot as a viscous killer ! ... and, of course, saw him as Mr Bates. His Dad Freddie Jones obviously passed on the acting genes.
    I never think you will ever win with some people when they want to argue a point. I'm like JayCee .... I would walk away from an argument especially when it's online. As I've said many times before, much gets lost in translation plus, there are always grey areas .... and there will always be some people who just want to be horrible and those people obviously have a problem of their own. I might disagree on the odd occasion but I will always do it nicely and usually have a little joke afterwards ! I do believe in the old adage ' if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all' XXXX

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    1. Bloody hell I never knew Freddie Jones was his father …..bloody hell

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  10. I once mentioned on my blog that I could no longer knit, sew or crochet because of my failing eyesight. Someone commented that they also had sight problems but that they continued to knit. I just needed to try harder. A hurtful comment but fortunately it didn't upset me it just pissed me off.

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    1. Someone knowing you better than you know yourself has always irked me more than anything
      Perhaps now, it should just be par for the course

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  11. Empathy is a gift to use for others that not everyone has the capacity to give. Another form of love that not only creates a safe space for healing but promotes soul growth . Often people hurt but do not know why they hurt and you have a constant thorn in the foot situation unless perchance the thorn is found and removed which then permits the person to grow. Love comes in all sorts of forms and guises and a lot of the time that encapsulates being the bigger person. Keep on doing what you do John. xxx

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  12. Anonymous1:42 pm

    Yes It’s the real Keith here!

    I once crossed a Queen at work.
    He never forget the slight and at every meeting for several years would try to belittle me in the work’s public forum .
    Eventually everyone saw it, for what is was, just plain bitterness
    And the rolling of eyes stopped him

    Keith

    Xx

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    1. We’ve all seen bitterness destroy Keith
      My mother was a bitter woman
      It wasn’t pretty

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  13. Yorkshire Liz1:44 pm

    Fascinating, wise and mature comments - as always, and shows the best of the Going Gently family. These days of social media and news media encouraging comment and opinion from people with little brains and smaller content within goes against good manners and restraint. Being trolled is appalling (and yes, I have been trolled myself, thank you) but the worst and saddest thing about it is that it reveals the trolls own self damage and broken state of mind. They always accuse the person being trolled of the failures they may - or may not - see within themselves. Not to mention the cowardice of hiding behind that useful 'Anonymous' label. The message to take away is simple. If you daren't say whatever you write to someone's face, or use your own name when saying it, then don't say it at all. Because all you reveal is what a sad case you really are. To yourself as well as everyone else.

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    1. Well observed Liz and it’s nice you acknowledge the going gently family
      I think each blog has its own family of loyalists and I hate others comments that these are mere sycophants are misguided and knee jerk

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    2. Yorkshire Liz10:51 pm

      I come to the blog for you. I stay and smile for the others. Just imagine us all at a Going Gently convention in Trelawnyd village hall, eating Scotch eggs and laughing like loons at the idiocy of the world in our Internet friendship. Bless!

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  14. If I don't have something nice to say, I just say Hi, or nothing.

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    1. I’m halfway through an email to you

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  15. Anonymous2:10 pm

    The commenters were especially appalling as they were not only unfair to you, but they upset the
    open-hearted /-minded blogger who is nearing the end of life (!) and deserves the utmost respect and kindness.
    —Fresca

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    1. Anonymous2:24 pm

      There was one blogger involved who was defending another , who certainly can speak for herself and certainly didn’t need defending , so it can be reduced to a simple notion, and that notion is that some people feel it’s appropriate to air their views regardless of upset or wrong doing

      Lee

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    2. I think let’s get into perspective here too…no maliciousness was meant with the debate. It was a simple disagreement that’s all. But one that was not welcome. I was referring to the commentator who was referring specifically to my use of anti biotics

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    3. I don't normally comment here but I will today on this Lee because you missed the whole point of what was a point of pure principle. The person I defended could have been anybody, I would have done the same thing. I did not defend because of WHO it was, I defended because of the principle involved. I have known Weaver for 15 years and my observation of her blog accounts for why I pointed out the point of principle. This is probably all too subtle for you but I thought it needed explaining. There was no argument between me and Weaver of Grass at any point. It was all blown up by others who liked to stir up trouble, like a baying crowd. (Sorry John for commenting here but I felt that Lee needed to understand). Anybody has the right to defence.

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    4. Anonymous1:40 am

      This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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    5. Anonymous9:34 pm

      My comment stands about Rachel although I understand you are keeping the piece by deleting my previous post

      She is an intellectual bully

      Lee

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    6. I’ve just read this Lee

      Rachel is a friend and recently to me the most important thing about blogging is about a peace, a bit of harmony and tolerance
      I disagree she’s a bully . Ursula bullies but projects that bulling onto others. I hope she and I can get to some truce , as the alternative is too exhausting and pointless.
      You may have your opinions on Rachel perhaps they can be respectfully kept to yourself.
      You have some interesting things to say Lee
      Keep talking here

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  16. I never understand when commenters pick on the blogger and say mean things. They don't have to read the post if they don't like what is said on the blog. Why torment the blogger and be spiteful? Choose kindness.

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    1. Anger and transfered anger comes from many places

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  17. Thanks for writing this.
    We do need empathy in both directions.
    Like Pirate says too, we need to be kind.
    I read the blogpost to him ..he went a bit quiet after the "24/7" ...

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    1. Told the story to our doctor...she agreed with your actions and assessment.

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  18. Many of us witnessed the comments of which you speak and felt distressed by the ensuing fallout that was generated. I simply do not understand the egos and sense of entitlement displayed in these instances, much of which seems unnecessary, mean-spirited and puerile. More to the point, it left a fine and kind woman considering giving up her blog. Stay strong John, and I hope our much loved Pat will also.

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    1. Pat is a trooper and has insight into what’s important at this time.I agree with her comment of having a drink together would put pains to all this shit

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  19. Anonymous3:02 pm

    I’m waking g up and happy to see you’ve posted before I begin my day. SF9

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  20. Anonymous3:17 pm

    Point well made, John. I do not EVER read Twitter, Facebook, Insta, etc., now that they have all become vehicles for spreading hate and misinformation. It always saddens me when I read some of your Anon comments, because I dread the thought of that kind of vitriol infiltrating the only part of the Internet where I can find humanity in your and other kindred blogs. I am so glad that you blog about your life in Wales, a contrast from the small US city where I reside. Thank you for offering those Anon commenters the grace that they so lack.
    Nina

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  21. I also saw the comment you speak of and thought it was mean spirited and inappropriate. Lack of good judgement, maybe?

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    1. The rule of writing anything , I am taught in university , is to know your facts and report them

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  22. Social media sites and blogs have become uncivil and even posted unlawful acts. It is really disturbing.

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    1. Life is too hard to have this keep happening

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  23. Krayolakris4:00 pm

    I think of blogs and bloggers (at least the ones I follow) are a gift…a delightful sweet I indulge in daily. Lots of days they can be the only human interaction I have. I’ve made friends and learned SO many things I wouldn’t have, otherwise. I appreciate the time taken to write and add photos and references. I could go on and on. Thank you, John, for this and all your posts. To the negative Nellies…talk to the hand! Better yet, just go away.

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    1. My message I guess is to perhaps find some sort of truce and the peace of not being referred to

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  24. I'm glad I missed it!

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  25. I had to look up ''advanced empathy'' and urosepsis. I missed yesterday's troll.

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    1. Now there’s an interesting pairing lol

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  26. Anonymous4:22 pm

    Oh, John. I missed yesterday's troll session also. I'm against the gratuitous prescribing of antibiotics, and use them only at appropriate need. At this point, my lungs have been colonized by a potentially fatal bacterium which is not responding to intermittent IV antibiotics. I'm off to the pulmonologist next week to discuss long-term antibiotic use. As it may be the only treatment that will keep me alive, I have to overcome my own reluctance and get on with it. God forbid anyone should criticize this very difficult course of action.

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    1. A difficult situation to be sure , ive been in the same situation ( albeit less critical):that’s why I found someone referring to this subject as if she knew my own thoughts so irritating

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  27. Joan (Devon)4:36 pm

    I cannot think of any reason why a blogger should feel they have to justify any part of their lives. If they want to elaborate in the post then that is up to them, but they shouldn't feel they have to. I also missed the post yesterday.

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  28. Barbara Anne4:38 pm

    Brilliant and heartfelt post today and I applaud your wisdom and kindness, John.

    Hugs!

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    1. It’s all a bit tiresome

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    2. Anonymous8:48 pm

      You never negatively comment about other bloggers John, never….so why do some about you?
      Jealousy perhaps ?

      Lee

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  29. Anonymous5:08 pm

    I saw the exchange and it troubled me that even after politely being asked to stop, they could not do so. Comments were deleted. Still continued. Some people are simply oppositional. If you say the sky is blue, they will argue the point. They must always have the last word. Their opinion is the only right opinion. It is tedious dealing with that personality.

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    1. I wasn’t referring to this exchange I was talking about me being referred to someone who misused antibiotics

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    2. John I read all the comments in that blog
      yeserday before any of them were deleted.U wasn't really the least bit
      concerned that you misuse antibiotics.She just enjoys upsetting people because that's the
      only way she can get any
      attention . Most people
      dislike her because she's a bat shit crazy bitch,however they are too kind to ignore her if she comments or addresses them directly .
      Ann

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    3. Some people are addicted to the dopamine hit that anger/outrage/criticism provides. The writer Elissa Altman just wrote a brilliant essay about this on her Substack—though I think it’s only available to subscribers.

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  30. So very nicely said and it needed saying. Today’s blog was Good! Thanks.

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  31. I am sure we all fall short of fully seeing each other, both online and in person. We just get so wrapped up in our own lives and our own certainties about what is "right" that we forget we may not have all the facts. (I didn't see this particular exchange but I've seen others with similar dynamics.)

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    1. Irritation masks and blocks any empathy flat

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  32. Anonymous9:45 pm

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  33. Anonymous10:34 pm

    Well said. If we could just approach each and every person with a modicum of love and respect, what a difference that could make. Thank you for sharing. Lynn, Pecos, NM

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  34. Anonymous10:53 pm

    I remind myself that people be people at least once a day. It takes the heat out of my feelings most of the time. As Eckhart Tolle says, one of the greatest sources of misery to humans is expecting others to do as you would have them do, or as you would do, because it so rarely ever happens. :) Tina in West Oz

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  35. Urosepsis sounds most unpleasant and concerning. I have just been researching it to understand better how it might have affected you. Regarding treatment and medication, you have little choice but to go along with what doctors determine to be the best way forward.

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  36. I don't really need to say this, but the decisions you make in concert with your physician regarding medical care are not any of that damn troll's business. Urosepsis is not a trivial condition. I wish you the very best.

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  37. Although it often seems like empathy and tact are absent even in direct conversations, written exchanges such as notes, email, and blogging, make it even easier for people to forget they're dealing with other human beings.

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  38. weaver9:44 am

    Bless you dearheart. Keep well and keep taking the tablets.

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  39. John, you are so open discussing your health and feelings on your blog. It boggles my brain cells that others would be critical of your choices. I feel for you, my own UTIs have been extremely tiring and difficult.

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I love all comments Except abusive ones from arseholes