I’m back in university today
'This be the verse 'They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you. But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats. Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself. Philip Larkin |
Such a cheery soul, Philip Larkin! There's a kernel of truth in his words, of course, but most parents do their best, though that may not meet the exacting standards of their offspring.
ReplyDeleteHe did write a comic poem about a disfigured holiday poster called SUNNY PRESTATYN
DeleteWell, I think that would apply to my mum. She certainly influenced my character, although I am just starting to get over that now, aged 67.
ReplyDeletePerhaps for some the first line should read
DeleteThey fuck you OFF your mum and dad
As the main care giver, the flip side of this is the ever present guilt which comes from knowing there's nobody else to blame for my kids sore points
ReplyDeleteAnother side to look at kylie
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ReplyDeleteI admire Philip Larkin's poetry but in my opinion this particular poem says more about his innate misanthropy than it does about the vast majority of healthy parent-child relationships.
ReplyDeleteI know little about him , but a quote by a critic of his style in the 1970s stated it had "a very English, glum accuracy"
DeleteHmm. I hope I have done as my father did, try to get it right..but you always do make mistakes.
ReplyDeleteSometimes bullies pass it on to get rid of it...mother was bullied by her father...bullied her cousins and also me (she wanted a boy not a tomboy😕) which only extends the problem.
You do your best, but sometimes even that is seen as wrong....
Perhaps that was what Larkin was alluding to GZ
DeleteI'm always telling my children not to have parents. They take no notice! xx
ReplyDeleteBest take ever on this poem!
DeleteCeci
Lol
DeletePerfect!!!
DeleteThis is a great poem that best describes generational trauma. I've resolved much of my own trauma with skilled therapy but sadly not before I passed some on to my son. I only hope he will try to do the same, and one day, maybe the chain will be broken.
ReplyDeleteAnd a new different chain made
DeleteSeveral years ago I sent this to my son. He has no children and we both love poetry and quotes. Jackie
ReplyDeleteA sort of in joke
DeleteLove Larking. There is a wonderful Larkin Trail around East Yorkshire, exploring many wonderful out of the way places in my favourite little known or explored county - Larkin spent most of his life as a librarian at Hull. In my version the line goes " they mean to funky you up and they do/did." More comforting and accurate that way.
ReplyDelete“Ironically, the poet was a devoted son, regularly visiting his mother and writing to her. This poem was written after Larkin had been spending what was probably an over-long holiday with her in Loughborough – did all the little accumulating irritations “
DeleteAs a parent you can only do your best, I just made more of an effort to treat my boys better than I was treated as a child, it's all you can do really.
ReplyDeleteMy brother had therapy for a year and basically put the blame for everything that was talked about onto my parents, taking no responsibility for the awkward child he was and his, shall we say 'still unique' take on the world. My sons had exactly the same therapy (one son because of depression and one because of PTSD) and came out of it very open and happy to have discussed their childhoods. They understood the way they were raised and pleasingly had lots of compliments for me, although their dad didn't fair as well with my younger son. It did make me think that at least I got something right.
Interesting take Sue
DeleteThank you for your honesty here
Life is tough and then you die. But I have to say the older I get the happier I am and the longer I want to live.
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful situation to be in! JanF
DeleteMy three kids have oft quoted this poem to me! Not sure how much is heartfelt and how much tongue-in-cheek. Probably a bit of both, and they love telling the world how hard done by they were as Gen X kids I.e. had chores to do, took themselves to school etc whilst mummy and daddy went to work. But in my opinion the freedom and opportunities given far surpass any that earlier or later generations have had.
ReplyDeleteTess
Every generation think they are hard done by to some extent . I listened to my nephew recall how he had to walk home from school and looked at my sister who rolled her eyes
DeleteI didn't realize it was from an older poem. Sad but true, despite our best efforts.
ReplyDeleteThe inevitable explanation of the poem is that we affect each generation
DeleteMy parents were a product of their upbringing, and I am a product of mine. Having known my grandparents well, I am surprised how well we all turned out. Not that I don't blame the silliness from time to time. Origin is not destiny.
ReplyDeleteI love that last line, Travel. I need to embroider that on something.
DeleteI do, too!
DeleteWow. powerful last line.
DeleteIf only that were the case. Great line but more accurately stated as “origin should not be destiny”
DeleteTrust you to find fault Traveller. You and your life must be just perfect
DeleteWe are all just doing the best we can.
ReplyDeleteExactly
DeleteOne of my favorite poems and I am not kidding.
ReplyDeleteTell me more, why do you like it so
DeleteThere's a lifelike - and life-size - statue of PL in Hull Paragon Station, rushing for that train, encircled on the floor by the first line of The Whitsun Weddings.
ReplyDeleteI walk him past muttering it:
"That Whitsun I was late getTING away..." having to put the accent on the second syllable of "getting" for the line to scan.
https://philiplarkin.com/larkin_statue/
DeleteNever seen or heard of this poem before. I have no complaints in how I was brought up. Money was tight and my parents had issues with each other and my Mum with my Dad's mum, but I never knew about it until I was much older.
ReplyDeleteNo parent is perfect. There are some pretty sad stories out there, but all we can do is take a good hard look at things and decide what to throw away, and what to take with us on our journey and to always remember that we are all just walking each other home.
ReplyDeleteA good point . Throwing away painful things takes courage and sometimes help
DeleteThat's a beautiful last sentence, Debbie. I am currently rereading The Journey Into Spirit by Kristoffer Hughes, an amazing Welshman, as I prepare to farwell my mother whose dementia has worsening significantly. That line could easily have come from his lovely writing. Tina in West Oz
DeleteAnd that's how intergenerational trauma affects us all.
ReplyDeleteNot all of us Debra, my childhood was truly awful, really horrendous but that spurred me on to give my own children a wonderful childhood, filled with love and protection, something that I didn't have. My children are now grown up but say they had the most wonderful childhood.
DeleteSo while trauma affected me as a child I won't allow it to affect me as an adult, what's gone is gone.
And that’s a product of good self awareness and an ability to face issues, sadly many people don’t possess those skills
DeleteAll too true. My dear MIL was the director of a daycare center and I had an embroidered picture in her office that said "Children learn what they live."
ReplyDeleteHope it was a good day at schiool. We have all day gloom and rain.
Hugs!
My mum told me when I was grown - she never wanted. children - She was a wonderful mother though and adored me - I am not maternal either - I slung my belinda doll from her pram and replaced with my teddy - I prefer furry babies x
ReplyDeleteLOL! I shared that with our daughter!
ReplyDeleteI won't argue.
ReplyDeleteIt seems common sense if a bit pessimistic
DeleteI abided by the last two lines but never blamed my divorced parents, life is life and you learn to tread your own path as it is my belief (sic) that analysis of anything will cause more misery. Jan. in Castle Gresley
ReplyDeletePatterns of behaviour are learnt at a very early age, and mechanisms for self preservation in chaotic or district I’ve homes ingrained almost from babyhood
DeleteHad very loving parents. Raised us knowing right and wrong. I have always been happy and am so sorry to hear not everyone was loved as a child.I am grateful .
ReplyDeleteThat’s the other side of the coin. And one that wouldn’t make a wry poem
DeleteThis poem makes me want to scream. Having lost both parents before my teens, no foster care or adoption, just slightly older siblings who somehow kept our home together, I think Larkin should have considered himself lucky.
ReplyDeleteI think the tongue in cheek language he used gives me the impression that this is a never changing circle in his mind, each generation fucking things up in their own away
DeleteNow that I am older I understand my mother better and regret the times I was impatient with her.
ReplyDeleteYes Linda I’m glad I’m stArting here.
DeleteI’m still angry at my mother and father’s inabilities to provide a happy house hold but older, and self aware I’ve become , the more impotent the anger becomes
The coastal shelf line though..
ReplyDeleteBy suzanna Fullerton. “ This is the way of humanity – like a coastal shelf where deposits of sand build up, so the misery deepens over generations. “
DeleteI told my DIL who was miles away in Brazil, do what you think is right because it will always be wrong in someone s eyes! As a parent you can never do right but only your best! I think that very few parents deliberately mess up their children, you all do the best you can in the situation at the time. It is hard to imagine the financial & social situation at the time, all those years ago! So very few parent’s deliberately set out to harm their children - thankfully! 💕💕
ReplyDeleteMost parents do the best they can with the skills they have. Lack of skills and/or previous experiences impact parenting styles. One hopes that resilience factors in. Nobody and nothing is perfect.
ReplyDelete"Get out as early as you can,
ReplyDeleteAnd don't have any kids yourself."
Well, that would eventually leave a lot of therapists out of work, and before long humanity would be extinct.
I drop by here occasionally and always do a big catch up read, tonight I was trying to get to Youtube and clicked on you by mistake. However I've been doing a lot of self therapy lately and this poem backs up what I often thought, our relationships with everyone, our reactions to every situation from the very beginning are a product of parenting, good and bad, big or small. Loving parents can unknowingly set us up to be co-dependant. Harsh parents can encourage us to be dismissive of minor injustices, because those injustices are not as harsh as the ones we receive at home. If we're not given the right emotional tools we can indeed be fucked up, even those of us who think they're not.
ReplyDeleteWow. Methinks he was a pessimist.
ReplyDelete