A Microwave Dinner

For some small part of each week we are still sharing the same small cottage.
Two men in five rooms.
It's driving me ever slowly........ nuts.
I'm finding it so hard that
I'm now living alongside a stranger who is not a stranger.
someone who has the starting's of a whole new life.
Someone who I want to shake until their teeth rattle.

I'm doing the busy thing.
Samaritans tonight, Choir tomorrow....a work shift ( my first) on Friday night......Zip wire on Wednesday
but I cant heal until I am  properly alone without the infrequent daily reminders of intimacy past and routines well trod.
I'm not bitter, its too early to be bitter......but I am still sensitive and angry, very angry and I hate being angry....hence me sitting here in an empty Samaritans office, an hour and a half early for shift......eating my microwaved tea at my telephone station.
I didn't want to be home as we manoeuvre around each other at supper time .
I don't want to be upset or angry or petulant, things that I invariably am when I am reminded I was only married three years ago
I want all that to be over........
..... and I want to start to heal.

Albert & Winnie

The relationship between Albert and Winnie is a simple one
Albert adores Winnie, but doesn't know when to rein in the lurve
Winnie benignly understands Albert
This video is the end of a " love in" between the two which lasted several minutes
One that ended with Albert getting too physical
And Winnie sighing heavily with the effort of it all.
This interaction happens at least once a day.
The relationship between species is always a complex one
But is something quite magical to watch

" Lightens the heart, Brightens the soul"

The Village War Memorial has had a facelift over recent months.
It has been a project led by farmer Alun Hughes.
Alun " Med" had noticed that the memorial had looked rather unloved of late and has made it his mission to do something about it.
Through some serious research he found out that through accident or design five local men names had been left off the War Memorial. He liaised with the powers that be and had the mens' names reinstated as well as organising for a general face lift of the area with members of Community council .
I found him reviewing his work this morning.
I've always thought of Alun as a gentle, thoughtful man and that assessment proved to be right after I congratulated him on his work.
" It lightens the heart and brightens the soul" he said quietly .

Big Hunk Of Spunk

I experienced my first man crush in the mid 1970s

I was watching an old western on tv and on the screen ambled the actor Clint Walker and from  that moment on I think I'd always had an eye for a set of broad shoulders and an easy smile.

Yesterday at the vets I found staring at a strapping farmer type who was collecting livestock medication and I was caught looking by one of the receptionist 

We both had the good grace to blush just a little

The Little Stranger

Post war austerity is the perfect backdrop to the " gothic" ghost story that is The Little Stranger.
In a large country house in decline, a disfigured RAF survivor, his sister and mother are trying to keep the wolves from the door. Their isolated existence is upset by the arrival of a local doctor whose mother was a maid at the house before the Great War and indeed his presence seems to be a catalyst for a whole series of supernatural events to unfold which ultimately lead to tragedy and madness.

The tight arsed Domhnall Gleeson

With lots to say about the class system of Britain between the wars The Little Stranger is a beautifully shot and atmospheric piece which utilises every dark ghostly house cliche  in the history of cinema. But it does so with the benefit of some interesting characterisation and performances .
The visiting doctor ( Domhnall Gleeson ) is a repressed , somewhat cold fish of a man with more class chips on his shoulder than soft Mick. He is attracted to the daughter of the house ( a magical turn by Ruth Wilson) who portrays one of those capable upper class women who is devoid of vanity bordering on eccentricity. She blossomed with the experiences of wartime service ( with one pivotal scene where an old WRAF friend turns up unexpectedly at a dance suggesting her true sexuality) but..now is drowning in the isolation of the decaying family house.

Their scenes together flit effortlessly between a rather sweet charm to an ultimately icy malevolence.  
I guessed the final twist in the tale a third of the way through the movie, which was a bit of a shame, but I enjoyed the bloody shocks when they arrived ( a scene where a visiting child gets mauled by the family dog behind a living room curtain is especially nerve wracking ) and the performance by Wilson is worth the price of a cinema ticket alone
7/10

Ruth Wilson

Animals Make Mess

We had torrential rain here all yesterday and I almost went stir crazy.
The bantam cockerels ( who have been called somewhat bizarrely Ivanka and Donald by the neighbours) sought shelter on the windowsill of the bathroom window ( which I had left open ) and subsequently shat all over the toiletries and sink until Albert forced them outside again during a brief skirmish after which they chatted angrily at him  from the safety of the Church wall.

Donald & Ivanka ( you may need to squint)

Winnie, in the meantime , has decided that she hates sofa cushions with a vengeance and when she is left for more than a couple of minutes alone in the living room will proceed to kick every one within eyesight off the sofa and around the room.
Only after each one has been booted away will she then rip off a sofa throw ( which has been previously draped rather artistically over the sofa arm by yours truly ) and will make a nest of it before making herself very comfortable thank you very much.
This behaviour takes place several times a day, so it's a bit like having a fat hairy toddler running amok about the place.

Cushion phobia

William's habit of pooing on upright surfaces remains a constant as his eyesight fails and he approaches his twelfth birthday. I found a rather tenacious turd glued to the side grandfather clock this morning which had camoflagued itself perfectly with the patina of the rich mahogany .

You've got to have eyes in the back of your head

Your Last Kindness

Yesterday I was on the receiving end of a little kindness
Gayle, a blogger from the Sunny desert of the far west of the United States, sent me a walking dead package of goodies.
It was a generous gift where even the package was decorated with a hand drawn sketch of my menagerie .
The postman commented on the sketch with some enthusiasm

This morning I was called to the house of a neighbour to check on them after a fall. All I could do was to reassure them before they were visited by the health services, but I was thanked for my kindness.
I wasn't being kind...I was being neighbourly
Gayle was being kind. Her gift was designed to give some pleasure and some support  and I was greatly touched by it.

When was the last time someone was kind to you..?  And what did they do?
I think we would all benefit from reading a few heartwarming tales....
Over to you

Make You Feel My Love

In Choir last night we nailed this, the Bob Dylan version of the classic Make You Feel My Love and I sang better and stronger because, like the school arse licker, I asked to stand next to the lead bass who has the voice of chocolate. Before that I was sat on the end next to the female tenors and I got myself all confused. Now in the position where my good ear can tune into what needs to be done , I can belt out something a bit more masculine ....
On the other side of me was a new boy...well I say new boy, Albert looked more like Private Godfrey from Dad's Army than the real Arnold Ridley did and he told me he was a practised chorister in his home county of North Yorkshire.
" I'm not used to singing without a piano !" He confided to me just after Jamie ,the twelve year old choirmaster had got us up singing another Swahili hymn " and I can't do the footwork either I've just had me bunions done..!" he added as the more energetic choir members clapped and stamped their feet in time to the music
This morning I almost missed a hospital clinic appointment as I was listening to my iPad in order to get my "dum-de-dums"  right for the African/ American Soul Wind, so much so the support worker told me off for not paying attention
Never let it be said I don't try.

I'll leave you with a quick video , just shot. It's a blustery day and Mary and I have just been out above the village to blow away the cobwebs

Thank goodness the zipwire run wasn't booked for today ! Thank you all again for your "last minute" donations on line and via the post directly to our centre in Rhyl. The treasurer has been somewhat overwhelmed with the response and has been greatly moved by the accompanying cards and letters

And finally I must also say a big thank you to my sister who I know left an large anonymous donation on line this morning, she and my other sister may be there next Wednesday when We finally do the deed

Last minute donations can be left on line at

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/johngray1

Pay pal at jgsheffield@hotmail.com

Or by post directly to Samaritans Rhyl and NE Wales, 23 Bedford Street, Rhyl LL181SY

With postal donations , gift aid etc we would have raised going on 4, 500 € thank you!

Bingo Waits For No Man

Last night was warm and fresh and towards dusk Mary and I went and sat on the village green.
I had my best Walking  Dead T shirt on.
I was listening to Just a Minute and then The Archers on my headphones. Mary was watching the village schoolchildren ride their bikes up and down Chapel Street.
Seven year old Liv Randa trundled by with her thirty six year old attitude very much on show.
" We are off to bingo in a minute" she told me seriously pointing at the village hall " We won a tray of biscuits last time"
Apparently Cameron the not-so-teenage boffin now calls out the numbers and so has injected some boy band sex appeal into the usually dry proceedings .
Mrs Trellis walked past with Blue and she waved, she had her winter bobble hat on. The man with the husky type dog who attacked William and Mary a while ago passed too. He didn't wave .
We ignore each other.
Jo from the old police house stopped her car just as the Archers' bladebladebladebla and told me that she was glad that I was now staying in the village and Sandra, the village caretaker hurried past with the hall keys in order to open up " Bingo waits for no man!" 
As Pip showed her new baby to a somewhat fraught Elizabeth at Lower Loxley, dusk started to fall with more gusto. The Living room lights started to appear in the windows of Hattie's little cottage, Carys's long cottage on London Road and in various of the pensioner bungalow windows, and as the bingo players started to walk slowly out of the lengthening shadows like zombies towards the hall and the temperature started to fall  Mary and I made our way back home in order to light the wood burner .

!

Right Now

Everything is so immediate nowadays  .....don't you think?
Back in the day, I always thought it was rude to call someone on the phone after say 9 pm .
I think I still think like that for if the housephone rings after that time...I immediately think that there has been a death in the family.
How we have messenger  and whatsApp
24 hours a day you can see who is on line and who is listening
Is that a good thing...hummm probably...... yes
Last night heading towards midnight my sister messaged me about her dying cat.
I could support and advise and agree with her course of action, support in the wee small hours can only be a good thing, especially as houses sound and feel so quiet in the dark.

Toni confirmed she is delivering my logs moments after Bunty left  her barnstorming message of butch lesbian support. Both would have not rung me at ten pm, but they messaged me.
That can only be a good thing.

I am reminded here of my mother who spent many many hours on her own at night. She got drunk a lot and talked to herself . Sad moments where she would act out conversations and thoughts and worries without the benefit of an audience. How messenger  , or snapchat or Facebook or FaceTime would have made her life so less painful than it was.

I write a post and waiting just  a few seconds I know it's been read...or at least acknowledged .
I contacted Raymondo within a few seconds after being reminded of his disappearance from blog land and I know Nu will read my one word review of a movie I have just seen within a second of me posting .....

How lucky are we to live at such a time of communication plenty

So why are there lonely people in the world 

Blast From The Past

I've just got this message
Remember BUNTY the bulldyke Lesbian who bought my geese a few years ago?
She contacted me out of the blue this evening

"Just read your fucking  depressed blog! 

Jesus Jonno🤧

Get your fat arse into gear and meet me after work one night in Chester.- I've been transferred 👍🏼

We will do - a 👊gay bar and K'bab afterwards ---- I am such a classy dyke-----my treat you retired 🍒

Try to wear something fucking decent...not your usual shit wardrobe.I 'll bring Katy ( ngf)

She loves a bear with manners and she always drives :-)

Bxxxxxx" 

Breakfast

Emotionally it's been somewhat of a difficult week, saved really by keeping busy, a night out with Jason the affable despot and a few phone calls and messages from friends.

Just when I feel on top of things, a ball seems to hurtle out of left field and I'm back to feeling irritatingly insecure and somewhat  deflated.

I'll perk back up, I always do.

Mary and I went out for breakfast on the beach today

She shared a bacon buttie

I also had two coffees

And we people watched until she was bored of the game
Hey ho

Crazy Rich Asians

Years ago, for my 40th birthday, my husband booked me and all of my friends. a special showing of the romantic comedy My Best Friends Wedding.
If you haven't seen it....it's a lovely film 
I've just seen the 2018 equivalent, namely the recent American hit, Crazy Rich Asians.

Henry Golding swoon

Set amongst the super rich Chinese of Singapore we follow proud self made American Chinese academic Rachel Chu ( Constance Wu) as she visits her boyfriend's family during a friend's wedding. Her boyfriend ( The impossibly handsome Henry Golding) is part of the most elite and traditional of Chinese families and as the various over-the-top Chinese characters assemble for the celebrations Rachel is faced with impressing a disapproving family matriarch in the graceful ice cold shape of Michelle Yeoh.

Nothing new here, except that the cast is exclusively Asian ( or in Golding's case part Asian) a fact which seems to have taken the states strangely by storm even though at least 5 cast members speak with pure English accents). Crazy Rich Asians is not particularly original, it's a rom com directly taken from all of those flicks we remember from thirty years ago  and although at times quite sweet and amusing , it certainly doesn't challenge Julia Robert's " Best Friend's  doe eyed Julianne.

Michelle Yeoh excels in the Meryl Streep role, Constance Wu is adequate in the lead but for me the film is almost stolen by serene Brit Gemma Chan who crops up in a lumpy sub plot about a Rich relative dealing with her husband's infidelity.

Gemma Chan

I'm sure the movie has something to say about Chinese tradition versus the American Way....but for me, it is just an old fashioned comedy that has been given a twist that isn't quite as funny as it wants to be
7/10

I was the only person in the cinema 

Surprised?

The Women In My Life

They quietly watched me weed the garden for hours 

Life In A Vacuum

I'm having custody of the dogs and Albert
But lost the dyson!

Dum, Ba, dum, dum, dum..............

I had trouble with him my dum dums last night

But after a bit of struggle ( and some shameless copying of the lead Bass) I got there in the end.

Choir practice is not easy, but I'm getting there.

There is no music to follow, no elderly matron playing the piano in the corner, there is just the slightly manic choir master who sings your bit briefly showing you the note with his flat hand, and off you go. 

My favourite song we performed was Soul Wind an African American song from the Deep South. 

I loved it....here is another amateur choir singing it ( a video I've been practicing to this morning) and I must say that  our version wasn't too far from this performance, but perhaps that was down to the acoustics of the village hall.

You forget everything when you're singing.
You're not yourself either....as you are one of many
And even if you are dum dumming at the back
You're a vital part of the group!
And that's nice.

What was the last song you sang?

And to end......

Thank you all for sponsoring me and Ann for our zip Wire Challenge which is booked for the 26th
I have finally reached my goal of raising over £4000.00 for Rhyl Samaritans, which is a phenomenal amount of money, especially given the fact that my original goal was just £300.00
I am very proud and humbled by the support given 

Growing Up

There are moments in life when lightening strikes and you suddenly grow up into being and more importantly understanding what it is to be a real adult.
I remember one such moment today
I was a young 27 year old nurse, who worked hard and played hard
I had just started my career on the spinal Injury unit and found myself working on the readmission Ward which catered mainly for patients who suffered from the complications of long term paralysis, namely skin problems , urological dysfunctions and carer issues.
There I became friends with a big gentle bear of a chap called Noel.
Injured in a car accident two decades earlier , Noel lived with his family in a small rural Norfolk community . He was paralysed from the neck down and required full time care even though he could drive a car and had attended a local university.
He was a strangely sanguine man, with a calm good natured dignity to him.
I liked him immediately ,
On reflection I fell for him immediately.
Noel was on bedrest due to skin problems but his enforced captivity never seemed to get him down , indeed rather conspiratorially he suggested that I lay down next to him one morning when I was suffering from a dreadful Leadmill nightclub induced hangover.
We became firm friends.
A year later, after Noel's skin issues had healed and long after he had returned home ,I caught up with him for tea, when I was on a flying visit to see another friend who lived in Cambridge
Noel was his usual gentle natured self.
His health wasn't good , but he blossomed with the care his sister and her family gave him, and when we sipped our tea, she and his grown up niece disappeared off to do some shopping.
" She's not my real sister " , Noel eventually told me as we chatted  and caught up "they are not my real family.....my family abandoned me after my accident"
He then told me the whole painful story of a dysfunctional family who had turned their back on a newly disabled boy of twenty who had been confined to a wheelchair .
Almost from nowhere a local family with two small children offered to give Noel a home and when Noel was 25 they officially adopted him into their family without any fanfare or ceremony.

" They saved my life" I remember Noel saying in his usual calm and reasonable way
"They didn't have do it ........I wonder to this day why they did!"
And As I watched him struggle a little with his emotions , I realised just why they had done it
This gentle sweet man had given them as much happiness as they had given him
I held his hand briefly even though I knew he couldn't feel it.

And as we drank our tea outside a tearoom in Bury St Edmunds, I grew a little older......and wiser

Shitting Myself

my friend Jane  doing the wire

There was a small collection of cards waiting for me in our Samaritan centre last night
All but one had foreign post marks....
More cheques and money sent directly to us from blog readers
So a big big thank you to S Vercoe, Alma, The Pattersons , jenny O and Jerry

I cannot underline enough just how frightened I am of heights
It's an inherited fear, passed down to me by my mother who was famous for negiotiating any hillside walk on her hands and knees, and for years it has crippled me from doing many things which is strange given the fact my favourite movie of all time is The Towering Inferno.
When my sister and I were eight were went on our first ( and indeed last) foreign holiday with my mother and Auntue Greta. Loret del Mar in the 1970s was a place full of high rise cheap hotels that seemed full of beige furnishing ants and straw donkeys. Our hotel rooms were on the tenth floor and it was easy for an eight year old to lock himself and his mother out of their room.
The maid suggested to my mother that I was small enough to climb from my aunts adjoining room to ours across the balcony in order to unlock the door and the bloody woman ( probably fired up by the local gin) totally agreed!
AGREED!!!
Thank god I was an assertive little sod even then... though my impassioned arguement that an appropriate adult negiotiated the 150 foot drop rather than a knock kneed geeky child with a big head did fall on unimpressed ears....common sense prevailed

Heights continued to terrify me.
I've blogged before about being led off the observation deck of Seattle's space needle by an elderly Japanese tourist during a thunderstorm ( my knuckles were totally white and totally cramped)

I was 40 then
And on a trip up St Paul's I farted so nervously on the dome staircase an American  woman had to gasp a " Dear God in heaven " comment behind me.

When painting the back of the cottage ( 9 feet above the ground) I got so nervous I had to ring my brother for help.....he and my neighbour Sailor John thought I was a pussy.

So I hope I have illustrated just how hard the Zip Wire Challenge shall be for me
Ann and I do it on the 26th and would love a bit more sponsorship to seal the deal
So I hope you don't mind that I repeat that my donate page can be found at

https://mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/johngray1

You can also donate directly at PayPal ( jgsheffield@hotmail.com)

Or by cheque to the Rhyl & SE Wales Samaritans,
23 Bedford Street , Rhyl, Denbighshire North Wales LL18 1SY

Thank you soooo much my friends ..we are up to ( with gift aid etc) 3,700£+.let's reach 4,000£