“ I am A Pig From Hell”

There is a famous scene in Steel Magnolias where Clariee (Olympia Dukakis) offers up Ouisa ( Shirley McClaine) to be slapped by a grieving M’lynn ( Sally Field). 

It’s an important scene as it not only lightens the mood of a very difficult time in the narrative but it also underlines the importance of humour, when used for good at otherwise dreadful times.

I met a friend for brunch today.

She is literally dizzy with grief, so over coffee and a cooked breakfast she sort of vomited out her thoughts and feelings until she had almost run out of steam , like a clock.

I then felt it time for a bit of frivolity, I’m pretty good at judging when frivolity is appropriate.

I had recently received a message from a mutual friend which mentioned the world CLUNGE I had never heard the word before , even though I could hesitate a guess at its meaning  

I asked my friend what she knew and without thinking and in her best and very loud Miss Jean Brodie voice she picked up her phone, logged into Google and enunciated very clearly 

“ CLUNGE…….C. L. U. N. G. E …….CLUNGE !” 

Now we were sitting in the very busy and very select cafe in Llandudno at the time and my friend’s voice was rather too loud and very quickly the place went almost silent

Apparently  CLUNGE is not a very nice word .

Our subsequent fists-in -mouth muted hysteria was the ideal release my friend needed 

We laughed until we almost cried 

Integrity

An  ex prime minister with integrity 

Gives it to Boris 

 

A Funny Thing Happened…….

 When I was a ward manager I used to keep a notebook in my office. 

In it I used to record stories gathered by staff and indeed patients about embarrassing things that ever happened to them.   

Nurses excel at telling such stories and I had some crackers written down in that book, a book that was lost after several house moves and changes in employment.

One of the best stories was shared by a friend called Ruth who moved from Spinal Injuries into Prison nursing in order to have a break from the stressors of working in the acute sector. This move always baffled me given the environment , so I wasn’t surprised when Ruth returned to nhs work a year or so after leaving. She told me this story of one of her last days at Doncaster Prison.

As a nurse, it was expected for her to be able to frisk a prisoner if she thought the need was there and it a fit of bravado one day, and in front of several prison officers she frisked a prisoner who was acting suspiciously in one of her clinics. 

She located something bulky in one of his trouser pockets and speaking like some sort of extra from Eastenders she demanded to know what the prisoner was secreting.

Finally, after a tense stand off, where she continued to grab at the obvious shank, he answered her demand of knowing what he was hiding and said quietly 

“ It’s my erection” 

I love that story. And subsequently trolled though my , oh-so-many-stories of embarrassing derring do. over  the past half hour 

I found this one from several years ago now from the blog archive

Enjoy

Gravitas

A rough looking type and his missus parked their car behind the cottage in order to check over the plot of land which is up for sale just up the lane
He half blocked old Trevor's driveway and returning home Trevor beeped his horn for the bloke to move.
" You can get a fucking bus through there!" the man snapped angrily and taking an instant dislike to him I stopped the dogs as I passed
" He's an old man and he needs you to move your car!" I said carefully giving the man a very direct look and irritably he did as he was instructed, scowling at me as he did so
Only when I returned home did I realise what I was wearing this my plucked chicken hat…..

“ Who Am I ? Meg Ryan?”

So shrieked Miranda to Che when she made a romantic gesture with a box of cookies in hand in the last episode of And Just Like That! 

She was trying to be something they were not.

If you understand my meaning.

I’m not Meg Ryan . 

And to be brutally honest I’m not Tom Hanks either.

And life isn’t a Rom Com with linear lines of sight towards the final reel.

Life is a bit messy and it shouldn’t be left to serendipity and the action of others.

I’ve booked a short Airbnb holiday, and another film course on zoom. I’ve arranged to join another choir ( the LGBTQ Proud Mary’s in Chester and my Filofax with the birds on it is full of tickets for plays and films and comedy club nights and gigs all planned to be seen between now and the summer. 

I’ve saved and sorted money for the new bathroom and cottage repairs and have let go of the field and I’ve made a score of new firm friends over the past year and even made earthward spoons which look like a caveman has designed them. 

And life is still not a rom com and that’s ok.

The night shift has been long tonight. 

Perhaps too long.

It goes like that sometimes when the patients are settled and medicated appropriately and symptoms of cancer and of illness are soothed and minimised .

Normal sleep is the desired and necessary outcome.

A colleague placed a gift in front of me earlier 

Two expensive scotch eggs, bought with thought and care

And I thought that those Scotch eggs are the real life most of us are lucky to have.

A snippet of affection from someone 

A laugh at a play

Or a gossip with a friend over lunch.

A good film,

So so tickets at the Royal Ballet,

Singing and on line learning and being friends

I’m not Meg Ryan,

but I can be a passable Rosie O’Donnell

This isn’t a moan or a plea for positive affirmations…so,don’t leave any please

It’s just a collection of thoughts and observations 

About stuff……….

'Think of Me'

Maya Angelou once said “ I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you Made them feel”

I like this quote…..and I was reminded of it this week after learning of the death of Barry Cryer.

For those that don’t know Barry Cryer was a comedian, writer, celebrity panelist and performer. 

His career spanned 70 years and almost universally his peers have eulogised the same things about him as a person.

He was warm, and generous and funny and he made them feel good.

I saw Cryer perform live twice . Both times in the famous Radio 4 I’m sorry I Haven’t A Clue.

The first time was in Sheffield in the early 1990s. The second in Llandudno a couple of years ago.

Both times I was struck with just how joyous and generous and warm he was. 

Warm people are so attractive, they suck you towards them like lights do to moths and they seem to warm the soul somehow

Cryer seemed such a man

It would be nice to be remembered like Cryer has been remembered , just over this short few days since his death 

……..fondly.

  

Airbnb

 

I have a week off in March and have just explored the possibility of taking the girls with me on a mini break.

Ive decided to return to Sheffield again, but instead of a city centre hotel I’ve trolled the accommodation available over a few days midweek and have booked a small cottage not far from my old house in Hillsborough.

Taking the girls with me takes away the need to rush home after seeing friends in the city. It also opens up different activities, such as a walk in the peaks and that return trip to Chatsworth House which was so sadly cancelled just before Christmas. 

No rushing home means more old mates can be caught up with .

I’ve not used Airbnb before and on the surface it looks excellent value for money as long as you are careful and spend your time homing your searches…..

I almost booked one place which looked quaint only to read in the reviews that a whole forest of pubic hairs had been found in the bedding ……

And Just Like That Episode 9

The 9th of the 10 episodes of And Just Like That was a cracker, and a cracker for one vignette featuring Charlotte’s dinner party with Anthony and his new boyfriend 

Just as the guests arrived Charlotte had to run off and teach daughter Lily how to insert a tampon and the new boyfriend , realising he was in a Jewish household proclaimed loudly that the Holocaust was a falsehood. Anthony’s subsequent shriek of “ Get Out “ had me crying with laughter.

I have to say that Carrie’s new beau has lovely hair btw and the trajectory that the series has now taken is quite wonderfully fresh turn.

I told my friends Mike and Jane all this on zoom this evening , but it was somewhat lost as they don’t watch the new series xx

 

Men Friends

Yesterday my friend Colin collected me from the cottage and we went to lunch 

We had a lovely long chat over celeriac soup which was drizzled over goats cheese and walnuts and put the world to rights over steak pie and poached haddock and poached egg

Now in my late fifties I’ve cultivated more male friends than I ever used to possess.

And more male  gay friends which may be a surprising fact for some. 

For years my only gay friend was Nigel, who is still my go to when I want an objective, occasionally waspish and totally honest opinion about something. 

Now I am single, I have a few more.

Chaps that understand more of the nuances of the gay world later in life.

My straight male friends have increased in number too, a fact I love too. 

Over the past decade sexuality seems to mean less in male friendships than it ever used to be

I applaud  that fact so very much.

I’m planning a visit to Sheffield soon and one completely necessary friend catch up will be with Mike, a friend of thirty three years.

Now Mike is a true Yorkshireman 

He’s a Straighter than straight, blokey, butch, football fan Yorkshireman .

and sounds like an extra from the film Kes

And in the 1990s I came out to him while we were drinking pints at the Dog And Partridge on Trippit Lane . 

When I nervously told him I was gay , he took a measured sip of his bitter

smiled lugubriously and said carefully

“Does this mean that I have to go to gay bars occasionally ?” 

“Only occasionally “ I told him 

He nodded and replied quietly  “ I can do that” 

Grace Davies - roots

I heard this for the first time today as I walking the dogs at dusk and it caught me by surprise 

Enjoy 

Am I Too Old For Snoopy?

 On my days off Dorothy gets me up around 8 am for a wee.

We then race each other back to bed for a lie in, where I know she will eventually wake me again around 10 30 or earlier depending on her pent up excitement pre proper walk.

This morning the Church bell woke us both.

At first I thought that there must be a funeral being called in but being Wednesday morning I then realised that is was a Church service in progress.

Someone inexperienced was pulling the bell, the bell that was rejuvenated by the Community Association and last rung by Hattie and myself during the clap for carers evenings….

Anyhow the bell rang around a dozen times setting off the lonely hound that lives in a kennel on London Road.

He howled like a banshee for ages 

I walked the dogs and was stood drinking a bucket of coffee on the patio when Church service was over 

And Mrs Trellis appeared sans bobble hat. 

She wore her best church coat.

The red one.

She looked at my T shirt and told me I looked cold and when I moved my arms added brightly 

“ Aren’t you a little old for snoopy?”

I suddenly had a Carrie Bradshaw moment when I looked down an realised I was wearing my snoopy T shirt.

“ I don’t know , am I too old to wear snoopy? I asked and she thought for a moment 

“A little” she replied seriously .

I’ve kept the T shirt on.

I know, I’m a real rebel bitch

I’m meeting my friend Colin for lunch at Porth Eirias too

But I may wear a jacket 

Over snoopy of course.

Belfast

 

“Autobiographical” movies of childhoods seen through the eyes of a child are fairly common in film history .I Remember Mama, Kes, Little Women, The Yearling ……The list is a long one and so I was interested just how Kenneth Branagh would share his Protestant childhood in a divided 1969 Belfast.

Like all childhood memories Belfast is an seemingly endless series of vignettes. A scene dominated by a remembered and much loved one liner, or a fleeting memory of childhood humour such as a drunk auntie singing Danny Boy. Cinematic moments such as a much loved trip to the theatre with his granny ( a nicely underplaying Judi Dench) or a hospital trip to see his dying grandfather (a twinkling eyed Ciarán Hinds) have all been added to by the luvvie that is Kenneth Branagh , so the narrative is just a little drawn out and is overly sentimental, a detail you can forgive somewhat as it obviously a story of a boy loved so completely it almost hurt. 

Catriona Balfe ..many of the shots of the film were taken through open windows, an obvious childhood memory 

Jude Hill plays the eight year old Branagh with wide eyed appeal. Jamie Dornan is suitably buff as his heroic father but the main acting honours go to Catriona Balfe as Branagh’s young and long suffering mother who tries to keep the household going throughout everything.

Kenneth Branagh is just a year and a half older than me, so his childhood memories , even though they were experienced during the troubles had a certain resonance with me. 

His relationship with his grandparents, his love of cinema, his sense of feeling loved, his memories of humorous  events could have been directly snipped from my childhood and those parts of the movie I loved.

But for me, the whole thing was a little overly sentimental, and a tad overlong

Cold

 

It’s cold this morning, very cold.

Overnight even Albert tiptoed on my bed in order to secrete himself next to a warm Mary, a move the elicited a jealous growl from Dorothy which was loud enough to wake me up.

A sharp tap on the Bonce was all that she needed to be silenced and peace was restored.

All three were still in bed when I woke, cuddled up in a knot of paws and legs and tails.

And all three didn’t want to move when I called them 

I needed to get up earlier today, as it’s Bluebell’s service.

I’m just grabbing a quick coffee now , in order to think about my day. 

Apart from Bluebell I’ve nothing sorted until 5 pm when I’m meeting a friend to see Belfast.

Im not a huge fan of Ken Branagh ever since he did the dirty on Emma Thompson ( who is a goddess in my eyes ) 

I still love her feisty Beatrice in Much Ado About Nothing who replies to Don Pedro’s comment that she has a merry heart

“ Yea, my lord, I thank it, poor fool as it keeps on the windy side of care “

A great line in a so so film

I caught up with Nu on the phone and laughed a lot 

Anyhow the field gate is open. I wonder if there is a funeral today. It’s not mine anymore so I’m not privy with such news.

It’s a cold day to be standing in the graveyard

Jug

 I’ve now got four days off before nights

I’ve booked Bluebell in for a service and tyre sort out 

Cinema with one friend 

Lunch with another 

Bought this jug on a whim 

I’m feeling a bit down despite my friends  

Nightmare Alley

 

Bradley Cooper

Guillermo del Toro’s 2006 movie Pan’s Labyrinth is one of my all time favourite movies to date and since then he has only made six films, with only one The Shape Of Water being anything of note for me. 

I was therefore very interested in seeing his latest movie, the neo-noir psychological, remake Nightmare Alley.

Set initially in a depressed and seedy Midwest freak show, we meet psychologically damaged Stan ( Bradley Cooper) a natural grifter with a knack of reading people. He is taken in by the unscrupulous show owner Clem ( a wonderfully seedy Willem Defoe) and teams up with the moral but alcoholic Pete ( David Strathairn ) his wife Madam Zeema ( Toni Collette) and showgirl Molly (Rooney Mara) 

Learning the ways of duping the public, Stan and Molly start a successful clairvoyant show in the city, here Stan meets the mysterious Dr Ritter ( Cate Blanchet) a psychologist with whom he teams up with in order to con a famous businessman but their relationship is complex with both playing psychological games with each other and things eventually dissolve into tragedy. 

Rooney Mara

Del Toro grabs the new-noir mantle very early on in this movie and produces a nightmarish, slightly unreal world of a run down carnival heavy with poverty, ruthlessness and regret from the get go.

It’s a wonderfully shot and cleverly observed piece cinema.

Cooper is charismatic and incredibly believable as the damaged Stan who through childhood abuse had learned to manipulate and film flam people, Colette and Defoe are standouts from the carnival scenes with Blanchet matching Cooper quite nicely as the the two circle each other psychologically , like two predators looking forward a weakness.

It’s a tense, bleak, violent and beautiful looking film

Which  leaves the audience unsettled and on edge by the time the last reel rolls.

Toni Colette

Raft

 Is it me but does my cruet birds atop my sushi plate resemble a Polynesian kontiki-esque raft? 

Coffee and after

 

It’s almost midday and I’ve just eaten Brunch

It’s cold today.

The dogs are knackered after their walk and have curled themselves into the kitchen reading chair to sleep

I’m thinking of what I’d like to do today.

There’s not much on in the cinema I fancy, perhaps with the exception of Guillermo del Toro’s Nightmare Alley.

Ive not arranged with any friends to meet. 

I don’t feel that social today….

Time for another strong coffee bag coffee, with a splash of algave nectar

And more time at the kitchen table with my hands warmed by the coffee cup

Ps…I couldn’t be arsed going to the cinema.

So I went to Sainsbury’s instead and bought a chicken, two reduced priced candlesticks a load of healthy food and some fleece jogging pants and sweat shirt that would double up as Pjs.

I had a mini row with a modern parent who let her children climb over the supermarket trolleys and did my best Edith Evan’s impersonation, by enunciating loudly “ Is THIS a supermarket or a child’s playing area ? “ 

The mother wanted to take me on but thought better of it seeing I had my devil-may- care gravy stains on my t shirt.

Bring it on sister, I thought .

I’m tidying the house, doing some washing and am going to hoover and clean up before walking the girls again. Only then will I don my new joggers

Select shit on the iPlayer 

And enjoy what’s left of my sunday

Sister

 

Yesterday was a mad shift….a real busy one

In this time of covid it’s proved difficult to get a priest into the hospice at short notice in order to give solice to a new patient .

I was incredibly busy and asked a junior support worker to see if she could sort out the request.

She did wonders and a very elderly and gentle faced nun arrived breatessly within minutes, just when she was needed

And I was humbled beyond words , helping this dear old lady into PPE gloves and apron before she went to work, her bible and holy water in hand

Meat Loaf - You Took The Words Right Out Of My Mouth (Hot Summer Night) ...

1982 

An Austin 1300

GDM744k

Me, Roly Roberts, Ian Parry, Nia Roberts, Irene Barret, Ruth Parry and others 

Driving back from Ice Skating Tuesday nights

Singing this at the top of our young lungs

Happy Days 

RIP Meat Loaf

And Just Like That

Carrie has turned into a hip 50 something baglady who wears rubber gloves to smoke her cigarettes outside her old apartment .Miranda ended her relationship with Steve in 2 minutes …2 minutes longer than my husband ever gave me the courtesy of doing with me.! 

(A scene that broke my heart) btw

And the whole series has matured quite  nicely in episode 8 …only 2 visits before the whole series finishes ..I do hope it returns as it has a lot more to say about women’s relationships in their 50s

The lunch  meeting between the gals , is always a highlight 

Curry & Bluebell

 I often show my affection through food

I’ve told you this before

I know I’m a “ feeder” although I don’t like that epithet per se

It always sounds a bit seedy to me.

I’m off today , back on Friday/Sat so I got up early and made a lamb curry and saag aloo from scratch.

Half I put in the freezer and the other half I boxed up in plastic containers. 

I filled another smaller container with raspberries and took all three to a terribly dirty Bluebell and drove down to the North Wales coast road to Flint.

The coast road used to be the main thoroughfare into and from North Wales and it is now defunct and terribly depressing. Former businesses that once hung on because of the traffic are all sold, boarded up and derelict.

The objective of my trip was just to leave the food on the doorstep of a friend . She has just lost her 30 year old son to covid and I think food can sometimes say more than words can ever can .

Words can sound so puny when grief is overwhelming.

In the end my friend opened the door as soon as I crept up the path, she had noticed and recognised Bluebell’s distinctive colour as it flashed by her kitchen window.

I found a jet wash on the way home and spent a lovely and very therapeutic half hour , cleaning and shampooing and buffing and polishing Bluebell until she shone with the power of Daniel Craig’s eyes 

My friend’s grief , desperately hidden behind smiles and laughs was a heavy thing to witness and mindless cleaning can wipe the psychi clean too.

I stopped at a pet store before I got to Trelawnyd and bought Dorothy a new harness.

I ordered a light gravel to cover the patio and picked up some film magazines as a treat 

The cottage still smelt of curry when I got home