When I was a ward manager I used to keep a notebook in my office.
In it I used to record stories gathered by staff and indeed patients about embarrassing things that ever happened to them.
Nurses excel at telling such stories and I had some crackers written down in that book, a book that was lost after several house moves and changes in employment.
One of the best stories was shared by a friend called Ruth who moved from Spinal Injuries into Prison nursing in order to have a break from the stressors of working in the acute sector. This move always baffled me given the environment , so I wasn’t surprised when Ruth returned to nhs work a year or so after leaving. She told me this story of one of her last days at Doncaster Prison.
As a nurse, it was expected for her to be able to frisk a prisoner if she thought the need was there and it a fit of bravado one day, and in front of several prison officers she frisked a prisoner who was acting suspiciously in one of her clinics.
She located something bulky in one of his trouser pockets and speaking like some sort of extra from Eastenders she demanded to know what the prisoner was secreting.
Finally, after a tense stand off, where she continued to grab at the obvious shank, he answered her demand of knowing what he was hiding and said quietly
“ It’s my erection”
I love that story. And subsequently trolled though my , oh-so-many-stories of embarrassing derring do. over the past half hour
I found this one from several years ago now from the blog archive
Enjoy
Gravitas
A rough looking type and his missus parked their car behind the cottage in order to check over the plot of land which is up for sale just up the lane
He half blocked old Trevor's driveway and returning home Trevor beeped his horn for the bloke to move.
" You can get a fucking bus through there!" the man snapped angrily and taking an instant dislike to him I stopped the dogs as I passed
" He's an old man and he needs you to move your car!" I said carefully giving the man a very direct look and irritably he did as he was instructed, scowling at me as he did so
Only when I returned home did I realise what I was wearing this my plucked chicken hat…..
He half blocked old Trevor's driveway and returning home Trevor beeped his horn for the bloke to move.
" You can get a fucking bus through there!" the man snapped angrily and taking an instant dislike to him I stopped the dogs as I passed
" He's an old man and he needs you to move your car!" I said carefully giving the man a very direct look and irritably he did as he was instructed, scowling at me as he did so
Only when I returned home did I realise what I was wearing this my plucked chicken hat…..
This one I heard half a dozen times from that many different nursing friends. It is the usual end of Friday night drinking and carousing and at least one of them is in the ER, bloody and battered. The nurse is carrying on with her job, but right away the patient is even more agitated: Don't cut off my jeans; don't cut off my jeans! Of course they do, and encounter a very large sausage near his penis, providing the evocative bulge in the crotch.
ReplyDeleteIs this a true story? Were none, or only some of them lying?
Oh errr
DeleteI had a heart attack at 45 - so much for making healthy choices! I was rushed for emergency surgery and as the drugs took effect, I asked the lovely male nurse in the leopard print gown if we were at a rave. The staff remind me of this every time I go for a stress test.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and think you are wonderful! These past three months are feeling like penance for everything I may have done in a former life or two.
You'll never know how much you have brightened my days.
Leopard print ? Was this a private hospital ?
DeleteNo private hospitals here. We have a first rate community hospital that is free of charge to the public. On the other hand, half our earnings go in taxes. Leopard print gear doesn't come cheap, I suppose.
DeleteA nurse in leopard print! Gawd help us
DeleteI am surprised the offender didn't fall into a fit of laughter.
ReplyDeleteI think he was enjoying the frisk, obviously
DeleteI am sorry , I meant the parking offender. ;)
DeleteThe erection story is good, but your plucked chicken hat is funnier!
ReplyDeleteThat’s my girl x
DeleteYou may have lacked gravitas but of a guy is uninhibited enough to wear a chicken hat, I'd probably take that as a warning 🤣
ReplyDeleteI lost the moral high ground lol
DeleteJohn, you may have to rewrite the prison story.
ReplyDeleteShe found something hard in his pocket? I am not a man - so what do I know. I thought penises were like rockets (when erect) - straight and to the point; not leaning to the right or the left where pockets reside.
Did Ruth sleep through her anatomy lessons? Reflexes and stuff? Where body parts reside?
He was "secreting"? You mean he ejaculated? In which case poor Ruth would have been in little doubt what he was so "secretive" about.
U
DeleteYou really should take the story in the spirit it was written…Ruth used to tell it with her tongue firmly in cheek , I think I wrote it that way
My response was largely about the difference between "secreting" (the word you used) and "secretive" which is, I take it, what you really meant. Never mind . . . we all make our fun where we find it. Even if only in Ruth's cheek.
DeleteU
I miss Ruth , she can tell a story much more colourfully than I can
DeleteHe had to decide if you were chicken or not. Once he decided that you were not, it seemed prudent to move the damn car.
ReplyDeleteHe never looked at my hat once
DeleteSo, it really was a banana in his pocket!
ReplyDeleteA marrow by all accounts
DeleteHaving given a few talks in prisons on men's sexual health, we were told on no account to show images of women or allow them to access anything they can 'use'. The prisoner whose trouser truncheon was given a good tug, was no doubt absolutely delighted and probably lived off the event for weeks. No doubt, as did your rough-looking type when asked to move his car by a bloke in a chicken hat. He's probably still shaking his head even now. Both good stories!
ReplyDeleteYes I let myself well and truly down on that one
DeleteBravo at standing up for dear Trevor in the face of an officious dolt. Having the chicken hat on while riding to the rescue was the icing on the cake. Great photo, too. Still chuckling.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
I wonder what happened to that hat
DeleteRuth's experience is so funny!
ReplyDeleteBut yours is even better. And I bet that man was suitably wary of the locals after his meeting with you in your chicken hat :)
There’s strangers in the village !
DeleteThanks for the two chuckles this morning. The prisoner must have thought his luck had changed! There should be a warning sign in your village "Beware locals wearing plucked chicken hats!" xx
ReplyDeleteI think he thought it was Christmas !
DeleteGood stories. Clearly there are some benefits to working in a prison. Just have to pretend naivety.
ReplyDeleteShe has several more jail stories that would curl your hair
DeleteAnyone brave enough to wear that AWESOME hat in public is brave enough to do anything!
ReplyDeleteWhat was I thinking?
DeleteI mean WHAT WAS I THINKING?
No members here that I'm aware of-Some years ago I was visiting a beautiful hostelry sitting outside enjoying the splendid sea views-I excused myself and visited the outside loo-I had partaken of one too many ladies drinks and had to walk past many tables to return to my seat-it was then brought to my attention that I was trailing a long strand of loo roll behind me caught in my waistband x
ReplyDeleteNice one flis
DeleteThe prison story is a riot (no pun intended). Your chicken hat might have been the reason why that asshat listened to you. He may have thought you were a little touched. I love the hat, by the way.
ReplyDeleteGive me your address , I’ll send it you
DeleteHa! I would love it and you are very kind, but save it for someone who would get use out of it. If I wore it here, everyone would assume I’m a British tourist.
DeleteThis was the first post of yours I read and I have been following along ever since. I think I found you from another blog and being a chicken keeper your header attracted me in and then this story had me hooked and I have been here ever since.
ReplyDeleteIt’s going back a few years
DeleteThank you fir being so loyal lol
Good job that nasty visitor didn't turn you into a spatchcock chicken!
ReplyDeleteSteady!
DeleteYou have some brilliant stories!
ReplyDeleteI’m like a fat sponge
DeleteWell, perhaps it made you less threatening and allowed him to back down more easily. LOL!
ReplyDeleteI love the story of the prison frisk. Funny!
Ruth has many stories, most more risqué than that one lol
DeleteI love the hat, I don't know as I would wear it in public, but I like it
ReplyDeleteIt’s in my wardrobe , never worn again
DeleteI bet that guy will remember forever the day he was told off by a Welshman wearing a chicken hat.
ReplyDeleteI hope so
DeleteLol
OMG.Oh John,I Love you.You are a real tonic.xx
ReplyDeleteI’m a blast !
DeletePerhaps the man thought you were in insane, thus making you even more dangerous.
ReplyDeleteI didn’t look all there admittedly lol
DeleteI am glad you stood up for the old man!
ReplyDeleteI was on a roll lol
DeleteYou got the visitor to move his car. He sounds all very blustery and self-important. You and your chicken hat said: "Welcome to the neighborhood."
ReplyDeleteI can be MORE blustery and self important lol
DeleteApparently they didn't buy the plot of land near you, so job's a good 'un!
ReplyDeleteThe plot was the old one E
DeleteIt. Now has an awful house built on it, that land is behind my cottage, luckily out of sight
The field in front of the cottage remains intact x
I laugh about this story now but I was mortified; a good few years ago I was shopping in Waitrose late afternoon and thankfully there were only a sprinkling of shoppers in there as well. I didn't linger and got my purchases but to my surprise a kind assistant opened a till for me and of course I was pleased. When I got home I realised that I had a huge blood spot on the back of my skirt.
ReplyDeleteNow that’s more embarrassing and somewhat taboo x
DeleteMore than just somewhat taboo.
DeleteIndeed x
DeleteI love the one about the man with an erection.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for the wonderful information. I appreciate it very much.
ReplyDeleteGame Fish Shooting_ហ្គេមបាញ់ត្រី អនឡាញ
មាន់ជល់តាមអនឡាញ_Cock Fighting Online
Don't mess with a man wearing a plucked chicken hat.
ReplyDeleteThat hat is an absolute hoot. And I'm sorry to say it does suit you lol. I would love to hear more of Ruth's stories.... she sounds a fountain of guffawness.
ReplyDeleteJo in Auckland