For me, the overall positive experience of developing my awareness of self , it to feel authentic. Nearly 62 years on this planet has allowed a myriad of bad habits, and unproductive , useless behaviours to cloud what I am and how I see myself, and others.
Things are complicated, they are bound to be.
And being authentic is hard
I’m better at saying no without trying to justify and people please
I’m better at being kind, where kindness is what I want from others
And I’m better in allowing myself to revisit a hurt but not to pick that feeling up raw with both hands as I once would have done.
Yesterday was a case in point . An email from my ex husband , some background information I needed to know on my nephew’s upcoming visit. Usually something like this would elicit a whole set of feelings and behaviours and would have me spiralling away down rabbit holes of being grateful for contact, that needy victim, so to speak .
The email , was just an email, and I could smile at that fact and be kind to myself that seeing his words in print could still remind me that I love him.
Another person, elsewhere, was rude to me and I called that out, politely and, in my mind appropriately and when the reply wasn’t exactly what I wanted, I walked away without feeling bad or angry in any way.
It’s all a work in progress.
We all are
Am I authentic? ….Blah!
Well if I sit here and allow myself to gallop over old turf I’m not
I’m on nights tonight and I’m going to open the cottage windows wide to the sun and give the place a bloody good clean.