For me, the overall positive experience of developing my awareness of self , it to feel authentic. Nearly 62 years on this planet has allowed a myriad of bad habits, and unproductive , useless behaviours to cloud what I am and how I see myself, and others.
Things are complicated, they are bound to be.
And being authentic is hard
I’m better at saying no without trying to justify and people please
I’m better at being kind, where kindness is what I want from others
And I’m better in allowing myself to revisit a hurt but not to pick that feeling up raw with both hands as I once would have done.
Yesterday was a case in point . An email from my ex husband , some background information I needed to know on my nephew’s upcoming visit. Usually something like this would elicit a whole set of feelings and behaviours and would have me spiralling away down rabbit holes of being grateful for contact, that needy victim, so to speak .
The email , was just an email, and I could smile at that fact and be kind to myself that seeing his words in print could still remind me that I love him.
Another person, elsewhere, was rude to me and I called that out, politely and, in my mind appropriately and when the reply wasn’t exactly what I wanted, I walked away without feeling bad or angry in any way.
It’s all a work in progress.
We all are
Am I authentic? ….Blah!
Well if I sit here and allow myself to gallop over old turf I’m not
I’m on nights tonight and I’m going to open the cottage windows wide to the sun and give the place a bloody good clean.
A work in progress, indeed. We are all that. Hopefully we improve as we progress! Sounds to me like you have come to terms with your divorce and that is a huge step forward. It takes us many years to realise our parents were right - "If you pick it, it won't heal". xx
ReplyDeleteI don’t worry about what other people think of me, they can take me as I am or not. My hubby used to say you are who you are and I love who you are. I never had “good friends” I think because friends often didn’t come up to my expectations, maybe my way as to not get hurt. I was never a people pleaser and had no problem saying no, but nicely. The nice thing is that we are all different and forever works in progress. As long as you love who you are, don’t stress yourself. From afar I know you are a very good person. Gigi
ReplyDeleteBeing authentic IS hard, John. Most of us don't even know we are not being authentic, even as we twist ourselves to be some way for someone so we don't upset them, or make them see us in a bad light. We don't want to appear to be vulnerable, yet authenticity requires exactly that. Thank God for counseling. I'd have never been able to see and heal my own mental issues. You will be a damn fine counselor.
ReplyDeleteWe're all a work in progress..if not we stagnate and that is no good atall.
ReplyDeleteI have never been quite sure what being authentic really means. I am just me and, although I often try to fit in I never seem to get it right.
ReplyDeleteI’ve deleted Ursula’s comment because as usual , I did not require it’s content. , I did not require or want to read words which I am sure in her mind were meant to enlighten and teach but I find to be manipulative, and critical.
ReplyDeleteI will stand by my swearing in the ladybird post, because I’m consistently astounded by your need to take control over things , I just let the feelings go lol
I missed Ursula’s comment , which I presume was all about her usual “I know better than you even though I’m a total stranger!” - thing.
DeleteShe is a mother and I presume a grandmother
Jesus !
Lee
On one hand you consider yourself "a work in progress", on the other you won't let anyone in.
DeleteYou are right, I mean to "enlighten and teach". I also acknowledge that not every "student" - make that partner in conversation - is receptive. Through no fault of their own. That you find me "manipulative and critical" conveys the blind spot you have reserved for me. Makes parking me so much easier.
There is plenty I could say, lend a helping hand, but then, see above, your mind doesn't appear to be open. Has it ever occurred to you that I may have your interest at heart? Has it ever occurred to you that I give time to think about you?
No.
It's ok. I am known as the Queen of Lost Causes. Not that I do think of you as a lost cause. However, you will have to carry the considerable burden of responsibility for your future patients/clients. And as such you should welcome any insights/pointers/hints. Even if you reject them at least give them a chance.
I do wish you enlightenment on your path, John.
U
Lee, stop the emoting. Better to show a bit of grace. And don't presume. It's most unbecoming. I am not a grandmother. And where does Jesus come into it?
DeleteU
Just a question U: are you a therapist or trained in the mental health field?
DeleteI will reply to this post but if you want to continue a discussion after that I am happier to do it in private,
DeleteIf you reply publicly then I will delete subsequent posts
“On one hand you consider yourself "a work in progress", on the other you won't let anyone in.”
I refuse to let YOU in when
1. You reflections are manipulative, self serving and critical .you are not my supervisor, or mentor , , your words are not invited. In actual fact I have consistently deleted your comments but you return
So please watch my lips, I do not welcome your attempts at advice giving…please that may be challenging to hear but it is as simple, polite and plain a statement , as I can make it.
I do find you manipulative and critical
My mind is very much open, open to self reflection and to listen to my inner voice which has, for the most part served me well.
I do not believe you think for one moment that you are a queen of lost causes , but i do believe you to be bored and bright and perhaps lonely.
And finally I thank you for your Wish for enlightenment , I’ve worked hard this year getting things into perspective . I think we all wish for some sort of peace ,
I wish that back to you
Lee here!
DeleteMy mom had a saying when I was girl, too full of my own thoughts and importance.
She used to say to my face “You love the sound of your own voice “
Ursula
DeleteHow many times does John need to clarify his rules and boundaries ?
Surely you understand when therapists set boundaries, they need to be respected ?
He’s not your therapist, but he has set you boundaries which you constantly ignore.
I don’t understand your motivations here.
Fucking Hell Ursula, get a life and leave John alone. Do you understand that you are a nuisance and what you do is harassment?
DeleteYou are right, we are all a work in progress....always learning and evolving....it fascinates me to observe the changes in myself over the years. There are times when I wish I had been the person I am now, twenty years ago ...it would have made life much easier...I suppose I'll probably feel the same in another twenty years! I guess it's better not to overthink it, and just enjoy each day for what it is. On a tongue in cheek note.....does you calling someone out politely on their rudeness mean that there'll be no more "Cheap Shoes!" comments in the future? I hope not, because I love it when you say that to someone who deserves it :D It is the best put-down ever! x
ReplyDeleteEm, temper is temper , and I’m no fucking Saint
DeleteI’m better now at reflection , but a good put down is just that, a good put down and there is always someone who gets on your tits more than anyone else and who deserves a verbal slap in the mush
So true! I've come across a few people who could do with pulling up a bit when they've got the wind in their sails, but unfortunately I'm not really confident enough or quick witted enough to tackle them....I tend to think of a retort long after they've gone on their way, and then wish I'd said it! Ah well, such is life! x
DeleteI wear cheap shoes and so, I believe, does John (crocs?) and I would take any reference to their cheapness as praise for my sensible frugality and just say "Oh thanks". I find interpreting an insult as praise is often a good strategy.
DeleteIf you are going to insult someone with the cheap shoes jibe then you have to have an audience
DeleteI don't really get the logic of it as an attempted insult though, perhaps because I wear cheap shoes, and I would take it as shallow rather than smart to look down on someone just because of the shoes they wear; but clearly I am in the minority on that point here! Might go out for some expensive shoes tomorrow...
DeleteDon't do it! Be true to your frugal nature. I, myself, am wearing a pair of cheap shoes this minute. A pair of purple crocs (the real ones) that I got for a dollar at a charity shop. If John were to direct his 'cheap shoes' remark at me, I'd be the person who looks down at her feet and turns them this way and that and says, "I KNOW! I got them for $1.00!!!!!!" and I would be so proud of myself that it wouldn't even register as an insult to me.
DeleteCome to the weird side, Andrew. We've got purple crocs!
If we allow it, we are always works in progress. Admirable to never stop allowing that progress. I’m still working at it.
ReplyDeleteThis is very useful to me, right here right now as they say. Thank you x
ReplyDeleteAlison in Wales x
I've discovered that as I aged and became.more confident in myself the less I cared about what others thought of me. It is much easier to just say No without an explanation. Explanations leave the other person the ability to talk you into something you don't want to do. Just saying No stops them dead in their tracks. I recently was called out on a forum for an opinion I had. It upset me until I put it all in context and realized in the grand scheme of things it is just a message board in the universe and I am just a grain of sand that nobody else knows or will remember when I'm gone. I like to please people but won't do it to my detriment anymore.
ReplyDeleteI would see if U is as pleasant in real life as she is here.
* like to see
DeleteI find it fascinating how people behave - Though as a sensitive soul I do try to help unfortunate arisen situations to my cost - I then put my invigilator badge on x
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI love Lee - I want to be you x
ReplyDeleteJeez , I wouldn’t want to be U
DeleteNo offence
Lee
Lee - "Jeez, I wouldn't want to be U"
DeleteYou don't seem to realise that statement is likely to cause offence.
Straight speaking might be the norm where you live but perhaps you could learn to be a bit more tactful.
John, we appreciate you in all your shades.
ReplyDeleteEmotional growth is always hard won, isn't it, but it does make our lives better.
ReplyDeleteWe are all works in progress. I'm trying to stop judging people, and myself. None of it's easy and it's all worthwhile:)
ReplyDeleteJohn, keep being who you are, who you want to be. You are growing as a person, and that is good. The present and future require moving past the past.
ReplyDeleteHmn. Seems like it takes one lost cause to recognise another lost cause, if lost cause is the case. Which it isn't. The bottom line here is that this is John's blog, so what John wants on his blog, and will tolerate from others under his umbrella, is up to him. And if he wasn't a person who lets people in, he would not run a blog at all, especially when viewed against malicious content masquerading as concern and unwanted and unasked for advice. I don't need advice from someone I don't know and who doesn't know me, so I don't see why John should, as I consider unwanted asked for advice from a stranger highly presumptive. This is his space in which he shows and tells with honesty, humour and vulnerability, so I don't see how that comes across as not letting people in. A friend came up with a good quote today: "No matter what you do, someone will have something negative to say. Try not to take it personally. People judge and criticise other people's lives because they are not happy with their own." (Lori Deschene) Quite so.
ReplyDeleteGood for you, John. Being authentic is hard, but the first step (in my mind) is being able to separate the things which help us on the journey and the things which pull our focus from our journey. Noisy, clanging people who disguise their destructiveness with bullshit platitudes should be disregarded altogether. They are not authentic. They cannot even be honest with themselves.
ReplyDeleteJohn - I have been in contact with you for years now and I can honestly say that if I needed comfort, wise words, a listening ear at the moment it is you I would turn to. You do yourself down. Have confidence to know you are a thoroughly good man, xx
ReplyDeleteWonderful comment Weaver of Grass (I do so love that handle)
DeleteWe are ALL always a work in progress. Sadly we're never quite "finished." Or maybe that's better?
ReplyDeleteOooh, spring cleaning, windows open wide! Just like my mom loved to do.
ReplyDeleteI hope your visit w Leo works out, you have been looking forward to that. Isn't he fairly grown up now, can he make his own travel plans and choices?
I wish you success and inner peace on your authenticity journey. Is this introspection a result of your current studies?
hugs, Lizzy D
Nicely put.
ReplyDeleteVery well stated! I particularly liked that you said: "being authentic is hard, It’s all a work in progress.
ReplyDeleteWe all are. I’m going to open the cottage windows wide to the sun. - Jackie (notice I left out the cleaning? LOL)
John, the comments on this post are an example why I don't often comment here.
ReplyDeleteHope you are well.
Mike
It’s been a bunfight tonight sheeeez
DeleteI don't know how you have the patience John!!
DeleteOh
ReplyDeleteWelcome to the hanging on and cheering myself as I go bench. I'll scoot over to make room for you.
ReplyDeleteHugs!
Agreed that we are all a work in progress. I love to open the windows wide and let the sun in too!
ReplyDeleteSelf awareness is harder to achieve than one would think.. good to see you working on it.
ReplyDelete