Anger

I deal with grief most days 

And I see how much anger often smokescreens it

It feeds grief and effectively insulates it when in excess

I know the story.

I’ve lived it .

Covid with its rules, has compounded anger

Anger in isolation, anger in blame

Anger in the pure unfairness of it all

And grief, in many cases has been halted and denied its natural way to go

The Tree

It’s been a funny old day today. 

Sunday’s and Christmas and Night duty can be a strange mix

Of memories past.

I drove through the village in the dark to work tonight and the village Christmas Tree was up and lit

It’s nice to see....

Sunday

Night shift days scoot by in a succession of short sleeps. 

I walk the dogs when I get home. 

Then they are fed and all come to bed for a few hours before Dorothy wakes me up around 1pm for another wee, then it’s back to bed until five or so. 

The cottage is invariably cold when I prepare “breakfast” and so I switch on the little oil heater in the kitchen and we all cram in like the Waltons in order to eat and keep warm 

Today some village Children delivering Christmas cards woke us all up around four and so wrapped in fleeces, I made a breakfast of ravioli infused with walnut oil covered in pecorino cheese.

Bloody lovely 

Just enough time for a bucket of coffee before more dog walks 

The drive to work is accompanied with radio 4

It’s Pick of the week  tonight 

Only Me/ You

So many people have a strange habit when introducing themselves on the phone 

They say

“ It’s only me” 

Almost as if they are apologising .

Which they are.....

I do it all of the time.

And I shouldn’t ....

Being awake when nearly everyone I know is asleep allows the mind to wander around such

conundrums. 

Tiktok is filling with American Shite and Twitter with two many gay men, shirtless and drunk 

My book The Object of my Affection by Stephen McCauley is untouched .

It was the first “ gay” novel I ever read back in 1989 and I can still remember a quote from it that resonated with me 

“ Often, what's most attractive about a person is that part they're trying hardest to conceal, that part they think is least likable. You find out about it and it becomes a secret bond between you, something you never talk about but hold close to your heart and are continually touched by”

It still does........

Alison Moyet looks better now than she did thirty eight years ago

How is that possible?

My mask smells of olbas oil, a few drops before shift makes the wearing it bearable for hours at a time

I Remember, “I Remember Mama”

Elizabeth Moss as Shirley Jackson 

 I managed to go to the cinema yesterday.

What a treat! 

The film, “ Shirley” was a much praised fictional account of a very dark period in the life of 1950 s horror writer Shirley Jackson. 

It’s an unsettling film, part gothic horror, part psychological and erotic romp and despite an excellent performance by Elizabeth Moss in the title role, I found myself irritated by it , so I left early . 

On reflection I needed a film with a certain lightness of touch , so I came home, looked through the BBC IPlayer and found George Stevens’ classic I Remember Mama 

It was an inspired choice.

If you have not seen I Remember Mama ......please do, for its a little gem of a movie 

Set in San Francisco in 1910 it is a simple tale of family life , seen through the eyes of a teenage first generation Norwegian immigrant girl ( Barbara Bel Geddes).

The family is ruled by the Mama (Irene Dunne) a gentle but pragmatic matriarch who not only supports her three daughters, son and husband through the difficulties of a frugal life but who remains the moral compass for her three elder and less virtuous sisters, the timid Aunt Trina ( Ellen Corby) , bad tempered Aunt Jenny( Hope Landin) and the bitter Aunt Sigrid ( Edith Evenson) and the thunderous and her overbearing Uncle Chris ( Oscar Homolka)

Oscar Homolka as Uncle Chris

The family is perfectly described during the normal but significant life vignettes everyday life. Of course they are older and more stereotypical than they could be, but they are the product of a teenage girls’ memory and so the larger than life performances of Landin, Corby and especially Homolka ( In probably his most remembered role) are pitched just right.

The story meanders through illness ( when Mama in an effort to keep her promise to see her youngest daughter after surgery famously  pretends to be a hospital cleaner), death, and the formative moments of a girls’ growing up and does so with such affection and warmth, that by the final credits when daughter reads out her published stories as Mama looks out of the kitchen window , there is not a dry eye in the house.

Irene Dunne is a revelation and breaks your heart as Mama

The famous washing the hospital floor scene

Nice People Come First

 

The last three on the much slated I’m a celebrity 

Are just sweetly nice people 

Chatter

 Wales in back in a sort of lockdown until Christmas.

Last night I went to The Crown for a pint with Gorgeous Dave  and again it was nice to see much of the village there filling the tables for a last time. 

The new landlady was sanguine, 

Everyone will drive over the border for a drink she said.

I’m not surprised, then the non essential shops were closed in England, the English did the same with us and shopped here.....

Yesterday I caught up with jobs,

Mary had a vet Check up in the surgery car park and I was sure to point Winnie out to the junior vet as she sat smiling in Bluebell’s passenger seat eating the remains of a sausage and egg McMuffin 

He smiled genuinely enough.

I posted my traditional Christmas decorations to friends in Australia and Derbyshire and posted my Christmas Cards before dropping off a team gift to a nurse who has just left the hospice through fears of catching covid.

Today I’m off to the cinema 

It’s cold today

Nu

 Since 1989 my best friend has been Nuala......

She’s always Nu to me 

For for over thirty years she has been my touchstone, my constant , my bestie 

And apart from a short, and rather painful separation when she worked in Saudi 

We have never been apart for any longer than a few months in three long decades! 

I’ve not seen her for over a year now and that’s been tough.

She recently sent me the above video when we met at her second home in Kenmare in Ireland  just after my husband left and her words that accompanied it shattered me just a little

“ You looked so happy but I know your heart was broken” 

I working within the rules as the Welsh are allowed to cross the border, so before Christmas I am meeting up with her

And do you know what? ......I will hug her and hug her and hug her 

And then 

I will hug her some more.