Old

I didn't get so much of a Good Luck from lead nurse of duty yesterday
Instead she left me a scribbled note

" FYI could you complete your careplans they are overdue"

I wrote on the corner her note

" FYA careplans already completed" xxxxx

We got up three of my favourite patients before heading for home and I told the, truthfully that I would miss them. Cynthia and Betty ,The two ladies cried a bit as I kissed them goodbye and as I shook Glyn hand firmly he thanked me for my time, in that way men do when they don't want to be emotional
I might not have got on with the lead nurse , but the standard of care was good.
So I wasn't leaving them without an advocate, or in a bad environment .
Older people are so vulnerable.
Im not going to get old
I decided that a long time ago

 

Purple Spray, purple spray

" We have a little drama here everyday.....but we forget about them the next day!" 
So said my friend Eirlys , after I have driven up to her farm in order to loan some lurid purple antiseptic spray
I haven't seen her and her husband for months, but we pick up where we last took off without effort or problem
Good people, I am surrounded by them.

I saw old Stan the other day too, it's been an age since we caught up and he told me of the sad news that his son had died.
" Kit had not cried yet" he shared as Kit, his wife sat quietly nearby in the car
And I said what I could, conscious that I have not really been around for the past year.
Kit made me the famous slippers of sex! 
The handknitted pumps Winnie used to masturbate on so regularly
Thank goodness for the hysterectomy I thought as I drove home

Winnie has been scratching her ear overnight. The inside of it now looks clean as Mary has had her tongue down it for most of the last 24 hours , but bulldog paws are the size of a bears' and so the old girl has two large red sores now on the side of her head.
She sat quietly as I bathed the wounds and then sat still when I sprayed them with the antiseptic.
I had a day old schnitzel in the fridge , which I gave her as a reward and which she ate almost whole

Last shift tonight!
And so I am off to bed again after this first aid episode
There will be purple stains all over the house now

Hey ho

MBFW

One of the saddest scenes in a movie

A Tiny Way To Go

No one is ever really fully cooked.
We are, all of us , a job in progress, so to speak.
In just one year, I have

• Dealt with the break up of my marriage
• Nearly lost my home
• Mourned a life, a family and a role
• Bought a car and became more financially self sufficient 
• Lost two dogs
• Battled some difficult self esteem issues 
• And obtained two jobs!

I feel so much better than I did but I am oh so looking forward to the discipline of my new job and role as living in the limbo land of part time work in a place I absolutely hate and the uncertainty of what mediation would bring has taken its toll.

I have just two night shifts to go before I leave the nursing home.

Now don't get me wrong, the care of the patients is second to none, but certain relationships between the senior staff are toxic, and toxic atmospheres drag people down no matter how buoyant you are.so in just two weeks time I shall be forging new work relationships with like minded people at the hospice

I've always been good at that.

When I am presented with a contract, I can then be able to take over the finance of my home, and  

Then that final " grounding" will be in place.

I can then get some rhythm back into my life, 

rhythm and discipline 

The final two things in my In need and to do list.

Discipline is now vital. I have let too many things slide as I have dealt with the list above.

I eat badly, I sleep in and stay up too late, I have let the field and the garden and responsibilities in Samaritans slide somewhat. Now it's time to reclaim these last  few facets of me and before you say something supportive 

I not beating myself up for letting some things slide,...Christ! 

Several times in the last year I very nearly went under

It's just time to bring some more order into my life which has been somewhat chaotic since Easter 2018

I finish work at 8 am Saturday morning.

From then on, the finishing line is in sight.

It's In A Look

Facebook has an endearing little habit of sending you photos on anniversary days and this one came out of the blue this morning...
Three years ago Auntie Gladys made a rousing speech and opened the village Flower Show for the first time even though she had helped run it for over 40 years
It would be her last year in Trelawnyd. And she was 97
I love this photo.
If you love and respect someone it shows on your face

A Fart In Choir

My choir before Heulwen and I joined

RAF Jamie is back row far right

Our choir master Jamie ( sans his 1940 RAF moustache) was back in harness tonight after his two week tour with The Spooky Men's Chorus. 
It was a bit like the first day back at school with certain members of the choir chattering and overly restless but he soon got us back into shape as we have a mini concert booked at a local golf club for next week! ( next week Melyd Golf Club, next year the Albert Hall! )
One of my fellow basses ( I shall refer to him as Howard) has a tendency for inane comments and a habit for not listening and although he has the best voice in the men's section, he really gets on my tits, a fact that has not gone unnoticed by Hattie and Heulwen , who are buddy tenors and who always stand just to my right.
My eye rolling at his high jinxs makes them giggle as does the fact I can't clap and sing at the same time.
In our warm up exercises tonight, Jamie got us to sigh loudly and touch our toes at full stretch
I let out a pinched alto sounding fart as I bent over, but luckily this was only heard by gentleman farmer Peter, who has good breeding so kept his mouth shut!

Nice to be back singing

I See You

Terry, my Flower Show nemeses popped up in the lane this morning.
The usual gauntlet has just been thrown down
It's quiche Lorraine handbags at Dawn.
I think we are going head to head in the boiled fruitcake, biscuit and boiled egg categories too!

With non of the responsibilities of help running the show Terry said sagely
" We can just enjoy the competition this year!" 
" Bring it on bad boy!" I told him

The Funeral

Today's funeral was always about my late father-in-law
It was about him and his family and I thought I was grown up enough to deal with it.
I was almost right.
I got to the crematorium early and found a good spot in the grounds in order to watch the mourners arrive. I planned to walk in at the last moment to sit at the back which I did.
The woman next to me gave my small rucksack a double take but otherwise paid me no heed and I was right by the door so I could leave quickstix when all the others moved on to the reception room.
Everything as plan.
Everything aseptic and ok.
I had been to scores of funerals. I was an old hand.

Then my sister in law turned around.
She caught my eye and smiled kindly and I immediately started to cry.
The gesture caught me totally by surprise.

Then I saw everything else.
All at once and from the benefit of the cheap seats.
Chris with his arm around Richard's friend's shoulders.
My brother in law upset.
My mother in law supported next to a new strong shouldered friend of Chris', him in a role I would have taken.
My nephew looking all a bit gauche.
It had been well over 18 months since I had seen them all together

I wasn't expecting to feel what I felt.
It wasn't a day about me, was it?
But of course, in my world, it's All about me.

The humanist reader had pitched her words just right.
And I am still glad I had gone to show my respects,
But my head was spinning as she read a moving poem written by Chris' brother
I left as plan. Walking swiftly across the grass as the congregation filled forward to meet the family.

I was almost in Margate town by the time they had moved on.
I felt so angry at myself, because I hadn't  moved on as much as I thought I had.
I was angry as I thought I could be all grown up and not feel like an arsehole.

I busied myself with a few texts and too much thinking on the high speed train back to London,and arrived in Euston hot, sweaty, overwrought and emotionally and physically tired.
A mix up with the off peak tickets and a sharpe tongued rail guard was all too much and at gate 16 I promptly burst into tears
Infront of strangers....
I have never done that before....and I hated myself even more for it.

Chris is not my husband anymore and his family are not my family
And that was the final slap in the mouth I wasn't expecting to feel.
They hadn't slapped me, of course, I had slapped myself

Duh? So stupid