Thursday, 8 August 2019

A Tiny Way To Go


No one is ever really fully cooked.
We are, all of us , a job in progress, so to speak.
In just one year, I have

  • Dealt with the break up of my marriage
  • Nearly lost my home
  • Mourned a life, a family and a role
  • Bought a car and became more financially self sufficient 
  • Lost two dogs
  • Battled some difficult self esteem issues 
  • And obtained two jobs!
I feel so much better than I did but I am oh so looking forward to the discipline of my new job and role as living in the limbo land of part time work in a place I absolutely hate and the uncertainty of what mediation would bring has taken its toll.
I have just two night shifts to go before I leave the nursing home.
Now don't get me wrong, the care of the patients is second to none, but certain relationships between the senior staff are toxic, and toxic atmospheres drag people down no matter how buoyant you are.so in just two weeks time I shall be forging new work relationships with like minded people at the hospice
I've always been good at that.

When I am presented with a contract, I can then be able to take over the finance of my home, and  
Then that final " grounding" will be in place.
I can then get some rhythm back into my life, 
rhythm and discipline 
The final two things in my In need and to do list.

Discipline is now vital. I have let too many things slide as I have dealt with the list above.
I eat badly, I sleep in and stay up too late, I have let the field and the garden and responsibilities in Samaritans slide somewhat. Now it's time to reclaim these last  few facets of me and before you say something supportive 
I not beating myself up for letting some things slide,...Christ! 
Several times in the last year I very nearly went under

It's just time to bring some more order into my life which has been somewhat chaotic since Easter 2018

I finish work at 8 am Saturday morning.
From then on, the finishing line is in sight.





94 comments:

  1. It sounds like the reins are firmly in your hands and the journey is one to look forward to. Best wishes for your future, you deserve a bright,shining one x

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  2. Whoa ... reminds me of 2002, the year I got divorced, lost my job, sold my house, my daughter went 3000 miles away to college, and my dad died. Change is hard ... so take care of yourself, deal with the stress, and appreciate the richness of life through the confusion.

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  3. I hope only good things come your way. You have been through enough "life" challenges. I went through a tough time about 15 years ago, and can now look back and thank my lucky stars my family came through it. Hugs

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  4. Anonymous2:22 pm

    I have read your blog for awhile but I have never commented
    Hang in there
    Sounds like life is getting so much better
    Wonderful news you have your home
    Oh yes forgot to thank you for your blog

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  5. I shall be thinking of you on Saturday morning John - a new chapter with you solely in charge - I know it will all work out - here's wishing you the very best of luck.

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  6. You go John. We are all rooting for you

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  7. A grand Hurrah should sound in North Wales on Sat morning from us, all around the world!
    You have a bright future.

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  8. Onwards and upwards. You have come through so much and better times lie ahead.

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  9. I think you have to be strong to get through the unbearable pain we may have in life.It can drag you under ,but if you are able to claw your way out somehow and go through the process of living through each day-I have found it's sunny again.I do still cry most days but put my big girl pants on-I'm 60 x

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  10. A good job and home security are a good base for bringing more order in your life. You'll get there slowly but surely. No more limbo land! :)

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  11. You're finally seeing the light at the end of this tunnel. Things will start to look up for you after Saturday when the next chapter begins.

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  12. You're on the home straight ... and it's time to start really enjoying that feeling. In fact you need to sink your teeth into the largest scotch egg you can find after your final shift and come home and force feed the dogs sausages :-)

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  13. Anonymous4:44 pm

    Whatever life has thrown at you be thankful for your health. You're healthy enough to pick up the pieces and forge ahead.
    My partner has Alzheimers Disease - we're in our late 70's, what can we do? Divorce? If only. The future for us is looking blacker by the day, once your partner doesn't recognise you any longer even though you've been married for forty years it's downhill all the way.
    Count your blessings - you still have some to count.

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    1. Anon, hi, what you wrote there is one of the rawest first hand accounts of both married life and what the future may hold I have ever come across.

      I would like to wish you something. I don't know what: Fortitude? Moments of happiness when you look at a flower, see a happy child?

      U

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    2. I should be more grateful

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    3. Anonymous12:32 am

      Pfft to being grateful John. while I totally sympathise with other people’s problems they do not negate our own. If I wrote what I deal with every day as a carer you’d be crying for me, seriously.
      But I still appreciate that there will always be people are starving all over the world and there will always be people complaining over a parking ticket.
      But real personal pain should be heard and shared and supported. Whatever it is. I’ve paid the price for not taking my own advice. 30kg in three years.
      Those emotions/ grief/ whatever it is , need somewhere to go or they destroy our health.
      Xx Marigold.

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    4. Marigold, yes, "real personal pain should be heard and shared and supported". But not in a sugary, voyeuristic way. Only yesterday I found myself writing down in my own words (hardly original but still my own words): "Hurt needs to be understood". By which I mean acknowledged by others and ourself for what it is - a sort of validation of our feelings.

      Alas, and by way of example, my own parents - a little older than you and your husband -, and particularly my mother, will deny me not only memories (if they don't tally with hers) but both actually demand that any distress is kept from them. We live in different countries so our contact is largely by phone - and every time my mother demands of me "Right, tell me something BEAUTIFUL and UPlifting" something in me dies. I can tell her plenty. But why demand it? My father's tack slightly different: He freely admits that in his old age he wants peace, only to promptly destroy it (in conversation). You know the worst of it: I am beginning to dislike my parents. They - and this hooks back to what you said - don't want to hear. It's a strange sort of "I am alright, Jack, and if you aren't keep it to yourself". We haven't been on speaking terms for some months (their choice not mine - or rather I should say they are waiting for me to apologize. Apologize for what?) I should be ashamed that I feel relieved that my Saturday afternoons are mine again (no phone calls); but I am not ashamed. I had a mega health scare a couple of months ago; I am practically on first name terms with both the neurology and the cardiac consultants; in and out of our marvellous University Hospital. Praise the NHS. Do you think I feel like telling my OWN parents? Dear dog in heaven. Mustn't disturb their equilibrium. If it weren't so dark, and obviously I don't want to die early, I'd love to see them being forced to dance on my grave. Oh, the crocodile's tears. Cry me a river.

      I hope you don't mind my outpouring. It's strange how that happens when being nudged by someone else (you) being totally honest as to their life and feelings.

      Anyway, there is always the delete button.

      I wish you well, Marigold. I am only just beginning to understand that, as age marches forward, choices and options diminish.

      U

      PS I don't particularly like to display the intensely private in public like, in this case, John's blog but as your plight touched a deep chord with me and I have no means to contact you privately I'll risk it.

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    5. Don't be sorry for being honest about how you feel.

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    6. Ursula-I do hope you are getting support and love from your Angel(son) x

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    7. GZ, I note, and not for the first time, how kind and gentle, in a not in your face type of way, you are. It touches me.

      Thank you, Flis. Yes, the "Angel". I call him that not only because of he has an enviable measure and control of his temper; also because his blond locks literally flowing, down his back, make him a veritable ... take your pick among the angels.

      In response to your "hope": I don't know if you have children. The art, and it's a balancing act, is to let them see the real you whilst making, more or less futile attempts, to not burden them with your shit.

      Love? Love aplenty. But let no child be held ransom to love.

      U

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  14. I shall raise my morning coffee mug to you in salute on Saturday morning, John. You don't know it, but you, along with many other bloggers, have kept me going the past year. Bless you, and looking forward to reading all about your new order (and some chaos! Wouldn't be you without a bit of chaos now and then). xx

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  15. Wishing you strength and happiness in the new chapter of your life.

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  16. Well done John you are coming out on the other side.x

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  17. the ups and downs of life, eh? you will have control back in your life. it is very unsettling and difficult to deal with when we lose it. i am so happy for you!

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  18. You've turned a corner! I'm so happy that you've arrived at this fresh place with good things ahead of you while still keeping all the good, steady base of your home and your village. Onwards and upwards!

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  19. Your life is blossoming beautifully. Hugs.

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  20. Freedom ahead. From a miserable job and uncertainty about the future. A lot of us can relax as it was hard to see you unhappy. Deb

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  21. Well done - knew u could do it. U should be very proud of yourself. Its not always what happens in life its how we deal with things that is important. TO every situation there is a reaction which often takes us outside our comfort zones and overwhelms us. You my friend have stuck true to who you are and not compromised your integrity with everything that has been going on. I am so pleased you have turned things around. New sheet, new page to write on terra firma. Still think you ought to be writing that book as you have the words and a wicked sense of humour with which so to do which are very uplifting to other people especially when they have had a not quite so good day. So happy for you. Pattypan xx

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  22. What a list!From one who has been sitting in limbo for many months-scared to move-I salute you!

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  23. Time - the great healer.

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  24. You will make it, it will all be okay.

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  25. A long slog. I'm happy for you, John. xx

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  26. Glad your big gay heart arrived. I hope it brings a lot of love to you x

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    Replies
    1. Did you send it? There was a return address on it from Liverpool. I sent a thank you letter lol
      Thank u

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    2. You are very welcome, and I am sure Tilly in Liverpool will be thrilled with your filthy hate mail.

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    3. I was very thrilled with the filthy hate mail xx

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  27. So very happy for you, dearheart!
    👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

    XoXo

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  28. Really good to read all things are falling into place x

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  30. I think you will be singing when you drive home on Saturday morning. Onwards and upwards x

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  31. Barbara Anne7:15 pm

    You've done amazingly well and progressed steadily through all those phases of grief (Kuebler-Ross) and the recovery thereafter. The journey is nearly at an end and the beginning of happily ever after is within sight. You're already just fine. :)

    Big hugs!

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  32. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  33. Your soldiers are all lining up John. XXXX

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  34. You're past the worst, onwards and upwards. So happy for you that you're able to keep your home and remain in Trelawnyd. Roll on Saturday afternoon!

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  35. Routine can be so comforting. Sounds as though your life is starting to settle down to a more normal rhythm. Take a deep breath, and keep going.

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  36. Sounds like you're over-done to me - with a soggy bottom.

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  37. I too have a list and am a work in progress. Cheers to ya.

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  38. I think it's important to keep in mind, and give yourself credit for, all that you did accomplish these past two years. Then focus on the to do list items that will bring you happiness or satisfaction.If a scotch egg once a week makes you happy, go for it! I am hoping you begin your gentleman farmer projects again, I loved the animals and gardening posts of your blog's earlier days.

    lizzy

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  39. WONDERFUL news.
    All over the world we have been cheering for you and are happy to read this post.

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  40. Instead of a regular comment, please may I quote these lines which seem appropriate?

    I foresee a time will come when
    luxury dissolves into the atmosphere like a perfume,
    and everywhere the simple virtues root
    and branch and leaf and flower.
    On that bench there we’ll relax
    and taste the fruit of all our actions.
    Why regret life which is so much like a dream?
    Let the eternal plan resume.
    In the bedroom communities let us be taken by surprise.
    Yes! Let the band play on and on,
    let the stand-up comedian finish his act,
    let Gypsy Rose kick off her high-heeled party shoes;
    let interested businessmen speculate further,
    let routine dull the edge of mortality.

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  41. We two in our little house in Arizona, USA (my hubby and I) love you, John. When I told my hubby that you were going to be able to keep your house and stay in the village, we both choked up with tears of joy. Just wanted you to know how happy we are for you.

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  42. I am happy for you. You have done amazing considering all this past year held for you. I understand toxic work relationships. I worked in a medical office for 18 years but it had become full of toxic relationships. I ended up retiring two years earlier than I had planned because of it. It was not worth the money. You've got a beautiful year ahead of you now and I know you will get the most out of it! It's the bad that helps us to appreciate the good.

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  43. Hi hun, From now on the only way is up! You have survived a very stressful year and now new beginings are just around the corner.Looking forward to reading all about the great things that will be in your life. *hugs* Goldensunflowerx

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  44. I think I have sent this quotation before, but it seems relevant now - "hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering 'it will be happier' " A. Tennyson. I am very happy for you along with all the other well wishers. Ro xx

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  45. I'm proud of you John...

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  46. Incredible moments that you endured but you have come out, battered and bruised but still standing, on the other side. As my mom would say “what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.” Here's to a strong person!

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  47. totally understand the toxicity that happens at work places. It took me a few months to chill after I left my former job as a nurse. Now I revel in my job at the NT. Good luck John, I will raise a toast to you on Saturday. x

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  48. Love, hugs and good wishes. Tough week, but you are amazing. Jxx

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  49. That's a hell of a year when you list it all out...but you have survived! Here's to good health, happy relationships (working and otherwise) and a dose of stability - for all of us.

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  50. you have almost broken thru the wall; two more hammer hits and all the sunlight will come pouring in.

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  51. And you're still standing! Now I wonder what the future will hold for you. X

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  52. John, you've always been grounded, you just let the distractions take precedence.

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  53. Anonymous10:29 pm

    Most of your readers have been with you in spirit this past year or so.
    Willing you on, to make everything right for yourself and the animals,
    and now the dust is settling and the future is so much more positive for you.
    I for one would like to thank you for shareing all this with us and please accept my heartfelt wishes for the good times ahead.
    Love to you John (friend never met)
    Tess xx

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  54. Joan (Devon)10:31 pm

    I can see you with a big smile on your face as you leave the care home and an even bigger smile when you enter the hospice. Enjoy both!

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  55. I must say well done you have survived a difficult year, I wish you good times ahead I'm sure you fill find the rhythm I think you already have the discipline.

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  56. Finally! All of your ducks are in a well ordered row. Onwards my friend,(never met) onwards. I will be raising a glass to you on Saturday. Have a fantastic future!

    Jo in Auckland

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  57. You've been through so much lately, and now there's light at the end of the tunnel. Wishing you all the best, John.

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  58. I'm looking forward to reading about your transition into a new life and a new beginning, John. You have your home - yes! You have a new job - Yes! You have Mary and Winnie and the Black Cat of Wonder - yes! You have all of us - yes! You have old and new friendships, a beloved village, the opportunity to make a huge difference in the care and loving of patients who will need you very much, a bunch of people who care deeply about you, and all the possibilities possible for a man of the highest degree.

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  59. Emotional stuff can surely knock the stuffing out of you, but you have weathered the storm and the outlook is sunshine. I wish you well. ilona xxx

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  60. I just want to say a big congratulations for getting through a very difficult time. :)

    I also want to say a big thank you for letting us travel through it with you. You may not know it but you've been an inspiration to me especially these past few weeks when I've had some hard stuff of my own to work through.

    I wanted to say hugs on your post of the other day but you said no comments so can I say it now. **hugs** to you. :)

    I'm keeping a good thought for you as I always do.

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  61. That light at the end of the tunnel? No longer fear that it's a train. It has felt like that I'm sure but no. Not anymore. It's a new life, the morning sun shining in to let you know to come on through that it's all going to be ok.

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  62. I’ve been wondering about what has happened to Irene.
    Best wishes for your future.

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    1. Still alive abd spends most of her time 8n the next field

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  63. You've been in my thoughts and prayers all along. Knowing what you've been carrying on your shoulders all this time has been heart wrenching and so far away and not being able to help with your burdens. You have a good soul and that has carried you thru.

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  64. You felt you were going under but there were so many of us holding you afloat.
    I felt so happy when I finally held the House Title, knowing I didn't have to worry about where I would live.

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  65. Anonymous5:35 am

    You will be ok John. You are surrounded with the most precious gift of all ... Love! xxx Cali G

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  66. Brian (N Ireland).7:56 am

    Steadly forward, John. You are stronger than you think. I take a great a lesson from your words. Thank you for that.

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  67. Morag8:51 am

    One more night now, and when you get home tomorrow the new job awaits after a short intermission. Big respect for how you've handled an exceptionally challenging year. I do understand that need to re establish a satisfying self discipline. Fun too. All in right timing. xxx

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  68. So much to look forward to John, well done you xx

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  69. Well done John - onwards and upwards and lots of luck in the new job.

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  70. It's good that you can see the way ahead - like emerging from a chaotic jungle where there were fallen branches and vines hanging down and disturbing noises in the shadows.

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  71. You're getting there and can now see how much you've got through..how much you've achieved.
    Onwards and upwards as they say x

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  72. And despite your lack of control and discipline in some parts of your life, it’s admirable how much discipline you’ve managed to maintain in others through a really difficult year.

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  73. Good luck with your last two night shifts. It is nice to see more calm waters ahead for you.

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  74. You've been through a lot and come out the other side. Hooray for you John. xx

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  75. Throughout your blog this year I think you have been very positive, even when you have felt very low you have said 'hey ho' and plodded on. You do a job that takes a lot from you emotionally and I don't doubt you are a huge support to many people around you and not even aware of it. I hope you will find the feeling of completeness you are searching for but possibly we never find it as life is a continuous journey of adventure. Eating healthily seems to be the priority, nourish yourself, grow some windowsill veggies and alfalfa and feel nurtured, I am sure that's what you need. Next year maybe the garden will become a bigger interest and you will grow some prize veg!

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  76. Thank you for this post, it was just the extremely gentle kick up the backside that I needed. If you can improve things with all that you've gone through, then I, who have had nothing major to deal with, can too. I hope your last remaining night shifts pass quietly and easily and I hope your new hospice post is all that you want it to be.
    Thank you again.

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  77. Bravo to moving forward and knowing when to let things slide and when to restore order. It's an important talent to know when you're ready to take the next steps.

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  78. Divorce is painful, for everyone. I was the one who left my husband but it was still awful. Life will get better. Life has gotten better already. We've never met but you feel like a friend.

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  79. Gillian10:57 am

    good luck with your new, happy start!

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  80. Why health care has such 'toxic atmospheres' in places. I'll never now.
    But onward, upwards and forwards you are going.

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