Today's funeral was always about my late father-in-law
It was about him and his family and I thought I was grown up enough to deal with it.
I was almost right.
I got to the crematorium early and found a good spot in the grounds in order to watch the mourners arrive. I planned to walk in at the last moment to sit at the back which I did.
The woman next to me gave my small rucksack a double take but otherwise paid me no heed and I was right by the door so I could leave quickstix when all the others moved on to the reception room.
Everything as plan.
Everything aseptic and ok.
I had been to scores of funerals. I was an old hand.
Then my sister in law turned around.
She caught my eye and smiled kindly and I immediately started to cry.
The gesture caught me totally by surprise.
Then I saw everything else.
All at once and from the benefit of the cheap seats.
Chris with his arm around Richard's friend's shoulders.
My brother in law upset.
My mother in law supported next to a new strong shouldered friend of Chris', him in a role I would have taken.
My nephew looking all a bit gauche.
It had been well over 18 months since I had seen them all together
I wasn't expecting to feel what I felt.
It wasn't a day about me, was it?
But of course, in my world, it's All about me.
The humanist reader had pitched her words just right.
And I am still glad I had gone to show my respects,
But my head was spinning as she read a moving poem written by Chris' brother
I left as plan. Walking swiftly across the grass as the congregation filled forward to meet the family.
I was almost in Margate town by the time they had moved on.
I felt so angry at myself, because I hadn't moved on as much as I thought I had.
I was angry as I thought I could be all grown up and not feel like an arsehole.
I busied myself with a few texts and too much thinking on the high speed train back to London,and arrived in Euston hot, sweaty, overwrought and emotionally and physically tired.
A mix up with the off peak tickets and a sharpe tongued rail guard was all too much and at gate 16 I promptly burst into tears
Infront of strangers....
I have never done that before....and I hated myself even more for it.
Chris is not my husband anymore and his family are not my family
And that was the final slap in the mouth I wasn't expecting to feel.
They hadn't slapped me, of course, I had slapped myself
Duh? So stupid
It was about him and his family and I thought I was grown up enough to deal with it.
I was almost right.
I got to the crematorium early and found a good spot in the grounds in order to watch the mourners arrive. I planned to walk in at the last moment to sit at the back which I did.
The woman next to me gave my small rucksack a double take but otherwise paid me no heed and I was right by the door so I could leave quickstix when all the others moved on to the reception room.
Everything as plan.
Everything aseptic and ok.
I had been to scores of funerals. I was an old hand.
Then my sister in law turned around.
She caught my eye and smiled kindly and I immediately started to cry.
The gesture caught me totally by surprise.
Then I saw everything else.
All at once and from the benefit of the cheap seats.
Chris with his arm around Richard's friend's shoulders.
My brother in law upset.
My mother in law supported next to a new strong shouldered friend of Chris', him in a role I would have taken.
My nephew looking all a bit gauche.
It had been well over 18 months since I had seen them all together
I wasn't expecting to feel what I felt.
It wasn't a day about me, was it?
But of course, in my world, it's All about me.
The humanist reader had pitched her words just right.
And I am still glad I had gone to show my respects,
But my head was spinning as she read a moving poem written by Chris' brother
I left as plan. Walking swiftly across the grass as the congregation filled forward to meet the family.
I was almost in Margate town by the time they had moved on.
I felt so angry at myself, because I hadn't moved on as much as I thought I had.
I was angry as I thought I could be all grown up and not feel like an arsehole.
I busied myself with a few texts and too much thinking on the high speed train back to London,and arrived in Euston hot, sweaty, overwrought and emotionally and physically tired.
A mix up with the off peak tickets and a sharpe tongued rail guard was all too much and at gate 16 I promptly burst into tears
Infront of strangers....
I have never done that before....and I hated myself even more for it.
Chris is not my husband anymore and his family are not my family
And that was the final slap in the mouth I wasn't expecting to feel.
They hadn't slapped me, of course, I had slapped myself
Duh? So stupid
Just for today no comments eh?
ReplyDeleteI am not surprised that it was a tough day - even without the breakdown of your marriage it would have been an emotional day for most people.
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to say that you are doing amazingly well, sadly as you know the recovery process is not a linear one although life would be a lot easier if it were!
The life you thought you would be leading has been taken away from you and you had little control over that that, despite that you get up every day and get on with things - which is pretty bloody amazing considering how much of an emotional battering you have taken.
You have come so far; you have a new job which will give you the opportunity to make a huge difference not just for the patients, but their families too. You have also worked things out so you can stay on at the cottage and the village you love, pretty major achievements.
Take very good care and be kind to yourself. Parveen
All my love and prayers - you are doing great! Xxx
ReplyDeleteYou did the loving and honourable thing, as hard as it was. You deserve all the good things that are about to come your way. The tears show your humanity
ReplyDeleteWhat a f@#% of a day. The unexpected feelings are bad enough but the unexpected tears are the worst. Especially when one thinks they are armoured up for such an event. Kudos john, onwards and upwards hey.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs John xxx You faced an impossibly difficult situation with grace and dignity and showed kindness to everyone, except perhaps yourself? Be gentle and loving to your self, as well as others xxx
ReplyDelete