Pretty Bollocks

 

When I was growing up in the seventies, it was the Roger Moore Bond movies that thrilled and entertained us. Fast paced,and  with a plot line that would not tax the average twelve year old....they were full of exciting set pieces, exotic locations, busty sex objects and gadgets galore.....so it was much amusement and nostalgia that I enjoyed the 2011 reincarnation of say Live and Let Die in the modern day guise of Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol.

OK everything in MI4 is bigger, better and more polished than any Bond that I remember but the essential premise is exactly the same....

It's all flash, bang, wallop!

The Lovely Mr Renner

......The set pieces ( a tense standoff in the tallest skyscraper in the world -the Burj Khalifa in Dubai during a sandstorm and the bombing of the Kremlin) being just two of several standout sequences, where the bland Eithan Hunt (Tom Cruise) struts his box office pleasing invincible stuff.

This time Hunt's team is pared down to just three. A busty platonic Amazon (Paula Patton), a friendly geek (Simon Pegg) and all American Jock-with-a-past (Jeremy Renner)  (right) and

Of course they have only a few hours to save the world, which they do ingeniously and with some style and excitement.......

It's all bollocks...certainly it is... but it is entertaining, enjoyable and satisfying bollocks.......

8/10

Pretty but Dull- Lady Mary and the floppy haired Mathew Crawley

.......and talking of enjoyable bollocks.....This morning I actually made the effort  and watched the

Downton Abbey  Christmas "Special" Now....despite my scathing  criticism of the lacklustre second series... this two hour Edwardian romp finally showed it's dramatic backbone  which echoed writer Julian Fellow's cinematic period piece....the glorious Gosford Park, and provided an enjoyable Yultide story!

At last we saw dull Lady Mary ( who should have "had a canary Up the leg of her draws!") getting all romantic with the beautiful Mathew while Maggie Smith chewed the scenery like a good'un

Like Mission Impossible 4, Downton is generally good looking frothy bollocks........it's pretty to look at and it's easy on the brain......

just what you need on a wintry, cold and blustery day!

10 Things You Don't know About Me

It's been a lazy kind of day.

Couldn't think of anything interesting to write about........ I considered discussing the merits of the infeasably large photo of Kim Jong Il being paraded on his funeral parade......

but seeing that I was kind of impressed with the logistics of it all....I won't waste time slagging it off.....

So, in lieu of a slag of... I set myself a sort of quiz....... could I actually come up with a list of facts that no one else knows about......some of which may be of use to anyone writing my biography...( when I eventually become famous!)...

OK here goes...

1. The first guy I had a relationship with, was a cheerful scouse medic called Roger...... he lived in Manchester and I lived in Sheffield, so we basically saw each other at weekends, high days and holidays......

After 9 months a friend of his, who decided that she liked me more than him, rang me up one day to inform me that he had a fiance ( A WOMAN!) ,(who he lived with) ...suffice to say I didn't get an invite to the evening do!

2. In 1984 I did a parachute jump for charity even though I cannot abide heights.

Luckily I was connected to a static line, which thankfully opened my chute automatically as I totally forgot any of my pre jump training...........

I wore one of my Brother's old all in one silver rally suits ( I was showing off ) which totally got covered in shit when I crash landed into a ploughed field, subsequently broke my collar bone  and got dragged around it for an age when the wind caught in my canvas!

3. I was once voted "best arse" in the Prestatyn High School 6th form awards ( no jokes please!)

4. I never owned a dog until I was 40

5. I was once attacked by an 80 year old hebephrenic schizophrenic when I was kneeling on the floor putting on her slippers..........she blacked both my eyes!

6. As a child I nearly died twice...... I once choked on a mint imperial when I was around 8,  and was saved by my quick thinking mother who upended me over a sink in my father's shop to dislodge the offending sweet .

    I also very nearly drowned in a hotel swimming pool in Loret del Mar (Spain).....I went under for the third time.....silently ( I didn;t want to make a fuss) and was only saved when a man noticing my hand poking up through the water, lifted me onto the side of the pool.....

I have never liked water since! (and to be honest I have never been too keen on mint imperials either!)

7. I suffer from sleep apnoea.....once, at the Guttman's Paralympic village  when I was sharing a dormitory with a score a paraplegics...... the lads got so sick of my snoring so much so, that in the middle of the night they got up in their wheelchairs and pushed my bed through the emergency exit!

8. I am colour blind........(take a look at my fashion sense if you find that a difficult one to believe)

9. Walking down 2nd Avenue in New York on one rainy Monday morning, I once literally bumped into Sigourney Weaver

10. I have never been arrested but I was once cautioned by two York policemen when I was caught peeing in the street dressed as a gorilla

Normality

Fine Weather!

No rain!

No wind....

Bugger me...I can't quite believe it.!!!!!

The village seemed awash with walkers sweating under their woolly hats this morning... and even  octogenarian Olwenna Hughes, who is extremely shaky on her old pins was out strolling in the sun.

It tickled me that even though she had been effectively marooned inside her bungalow for weeks because of the bad weather, she still knew exactly what had been happening in the village...

"It was nice that you went to Church on Christmas Eve " she called out in her sing song way.."

I reminded her that I only went for the carols!

For the first time in weeks, I had the opportunity to check over the animals on what has turned out to be an unseasonably warm day. The Crackhead Whores with their Alpha female, Vinegar tits, now smart in their newly grown feathers, have blossomed under  some intensive "feeding up". Settled in to their part of the field, they have relaxed somewhat and have stopped their bully-girl activities with the older hens....

I will reluctantly admit that I really should change their collective name seeing that they have all undergone a sort of "pretty woman-like" transformation over the past two months.......but I shall resist the urge......I really think I should be true to their drug taking and loose knickered past!

The Crackhead whores all looking rather splendid (Vinegar tits is on the right)

And so, all afternoon, I have cleaned away the rain soaked damage inflicted in November and early December...and it has been therapeutic as it was necessary....I have just been seeing to the basics for a while now......

Boris....happy at surviving another Christmas

,

One of the Crackheads blooming

The Indian runners still, fit and healthy and hysterical  around their pond

As I dredged the pond at the back of the field, I noticed an old couple in the graveyard. They were leaning against the fence, watching the geese "arguing" with the indian runners over a bowl of corn and called me over in order to buy some eggs.

The graveyard is always busy at Christmas with people dropping off wreaths and flowers .....and I always try to be respectful of people's  feelings, especially if they look like they need some quiet and reflective time by the graves of their loved ones. (The geese in particular, can be bloody invasive with their honking!)

Hummm...respectful eh? Look what T shirt I had chosen to put on today

whoops

Even Mabel was not impressed

Boxing Day Big Up!!

As I walked around a gale lashed Trelawnyd this morning, the rather dishevelled woman in a towelling dressing gown who I spied washing up the dishes, summed up all of the festive stressors of the past few days as she puffed out her cheeks with that "I 'm soddin' well knackered" kind of look.

I tried to send her my best "I've paddled that canoe" sort of look right back....but she was already fishing around her cleavage for a dropped piece of hot ash from her cigarette so couldn't see me!..

Boxing day...... it's all the same.

Yesterday was a game in two halves really..... a restful day together with the dogs

(yes below if my "official" New Christmas hat photo)

and then a complete bunfight of cooking when the family came around for dinner.

It all went well..... the food was ok........Chris won the Downton Abbey general knowledge Quiz and after too many small sherries we all raised a glass to Andrew in a coordinated iphone toast with my sister in law,

And so it's over....

Boxing day is here with it's obligatory long walk....crap tv and cold meat. 

I managed to sneak a few cold roast potatoes out for the pigs this morning who sucked them up with exquisite piggy pleasure....but there was little else to share with the hens, who have all disappeared into the hedgerows due to the bad winds.

To keep out the cold... I have treated them to a huge bowl of festive spaghetti......they are easily pleased....

Chris has just gone to B&Q to buy some picture pins to hang up his pressie from me...which is a small French miniature of a "lady"......he liked it...and it is rather sweet, even if I do say so myself.......

Perhaps Tom....you could tell us something about it?......It's all French to me!

The Red faced Welsh farmer has just driven past the cottage.....he sounds as though he's doing a Long John Silver impersonation.......the wind is getting up and the thought of braving the elements to fight over a cheap tv at comet seems vaguely disgusting.........

So that's our Boxing day......I will leave you all with my best wishes......and a BIG up for fellow blogger ELIZABETH STANFORTH-SHARPE( see her blog entry:-

a-dip-in-the-ocean

http://www.justgiving.com/Elizabeth-Stanforth-Sharpe1

After reading about my sister's Herculaneum efforts to raise money for Motor Neurone Research and of the sad death of Andrew only a few weeks ago, Bette ( and I hope you don't mind me calling you Bette!) has got off her arse so to speak and has organised herself into a one woman, money raising swimming champion...... and all in aid of MND......

My family have been moved, so very much by her sincere and generous offer of help ( she must be mad as a box of frogs too as she is braving Scarborough's Icy waters in the height of winter) so I wanted to "big up" her plan here...so that if any of you would like to sponsor the plucky old gal......please follow the links and do so..................she and indeed  WE would be VERY grateful if you did.....

Bette Stanforth Sharpe in slightly earlier days

Christmas Eve

Finlay, our first Welsh terrier loved Christmas

Like I said Yesterday....Have a lovely Christmas x

Merry Christmas fa---la----la-la-la..lalalala

Well I have  woken up from a fireside slumber ( complete with Welsh Terrier attached to my face) and have just realised that my last post was far too depressive

So I will leave you with my much lauded festive Christmas photograph (taken last year) and some heartfelt good wishes to everyone who actually reads  this ....my "diary of a middle aged nobody" pile of shit

Let us all have a peaceful Christmas eh? 

Please take my advice!!!!!!!!!!!!
Catch up with family, with friends or just your significant other

Sit through 2 hours of Downton Abbey with a whole chocolate Orange in your mouth

and whatever you do DON'T  watch the news

xxxxxxxxxxx

pps

watch this from 23 seconds onwards..... I dare you not to give me a little Christmas smile

xxxx

Blackout

Last night we were sat in Sainsburys cafe and just about to tuck into a rather tasty fish and chip supper, when all the lights went out!
The whole retail park and adjoining streets were totally in darkness, and after a moment of uncertainty  (when I couldn't quite locate my last chip) the supermarket's  dim emergency lighting kicked in and suddenly a few hundred shoppers all acted as though they had survived a terrorist attack.....
The powercut continued, but we were allowed to shop in the gloom as the tills re booted.....and as we did our shop in the muted hysteria people indulge in  when faced with a collective "threat", I had a seriously worrying "think" about just how we, as a nation would cope without the all singing , all giving God Electricity......
Not very well...I suspect.......
People today have no reserves when it comes to disaster have they? . People just don't have proper larders anymore, they have no stockpiles of food,fuel, water and other vital items. We rely on these monolithic supermarkets for food that would empty within hours if not refilled by fuel guzzling lorries and we rely on electricity  for almost everything else......electricity  that can disappear literally at the "flick of a switch"

Yes I thought about all this as we filled our basket with tasty stuffing and Christmas baubles..........
and before we left.... I made sure several packets of store cupboard candles were placed into the trolley.

....as I wait......

I am sat at the kitchen table waiting for a delivery man to drop off some vital computer equipment for Chris....of course no time can be specified, given the Christmas deadlines....so I have to be around, and available all day....

There is an upside to all this....for as  I  wait here...I have been making lists for the "Christmas dinner" shop we are embarking on this evening......In between the planning of the sherry trifle and the reviewing of a recipe for Braised Red Cabbage ( thanks Pat), I have had time to notice

those grubby little marks around the kitchen that have always been previous neglected.....namely the dog snot on the back door ,the dribbles of kittikat down the side of the fridge and that lump of something unmentionable under the sofa.....

Not being content just to look at these little badges of pet ownership, I have got off my arse and scrubbed the offending areas clean.......so much so....that the kitchen is actually starting to look......er.....well....... habitable......

A first for me, I can tell you.

 

Most of the dogs have stalked off for a sleep, all that is except Mabel who feigning slumbers is now keeping one eye open to see what  I would start scrubbing next......she closed both eyes firmly when I found myself muttering in true Joan Crawford style 

"Its not you I'm mad at...I'm mad at the dirt"

Being a typical bulldog, she cannot cope with any bad feeling!

Anyway, it's 1.10pm and still there is no sign of Mr Delivery Man.....all visible signs of dog snot have now been removed from the kitchen and I have completed at least three " to do" lists on the back of three envelopes.........I am confident that most Christmas day boxes have now been ticked...

My two sisters and their husbands are all coming for Christmas dinner here.....Non of us really feel like celebrating but the effort has to be made to mark the day .....tomorrow I am going down to B& Q to buy some cheap as chips Christmas lights....with the aim of transforming something like this

into something like THIS

This being......Nigella's twinkling Kitchen....

Hopefully the effect with raise a few , well needed smiles!!!!!!