Being angry

Manure from Chris' farm is not the nicest thing to be spreading around but at least most of the allotment has been dug over and "seasoned"and I have dug some of the anger out of my system. I should have it all ready for planting out next week. So far I have planned for Second early potatoes,Main crop potatoes, carrots,beetroot,sweet corn,peas,French beans,broad beans,shallots and onions,garlic and raspberries and strawberries. I also intend to interplant the rows of vegetables with natural pesticides such as nasturstum and marigolds as well as growing a mass of sweet peas for cut flowers during the summer. I think this is a good comprehensive start and the list is by no means exhaustive as I have a set of closhes for things like lettuce and other salad crops.

Took the Finlay Memorial Cup into Rhyl to be engraved, walked up the Gop with Chris and went to see him ride Pippa ( and to nick some manure) Like me and Chris, she looks a bit slimmer than of late.

action shot (left), very atmospheric.

Had an altercation with two rough looking teens in Prestatyn high street this afternoon too that surprised sister Janet and Tim. They were pushing bikes along the pavement with no thought of pedestrians who wanted to get by. I challenged them to move and in true trailer trash style they started to swear and argue! Well they got more aggression back than they expected and looked shocked when I gave it right back to them and more. To be honest I rather shocked myself, and thought my outburst rather inappropriate. Funny how things catch you, and when I drove home I reflected on where the anger actually came from. Of course it is Finlay related, I had just been to the vets to pay our outstanding bill (85 £) and that bloody CHASING CARS song just had to be playing AGAIN, on the vet's office radio. A well meaning nurse and tried to say the right thing when I waited for my change and told me that everything had turned out for the best (meaning the final diagnosis), I am still not ready for others to tell me this, even though I know it is to be the truth, and the teens were on the recieving end of my grieving anger, as was the nurse who was flashed a "shut up-type" stare.
Going to "book" a Sheffield trip to see Nigel and Mike and Jane soon and tomorrow Chris and I are off to Osborn house in Llandudno for a non weightwatchers meal; both breaks will do me good.

A Busy day,Monty Don's bottom, weight loss and a nice email

The weather has been so so, but in between cold cloudy moments, the sun has been glorious and I have finished another 20 square feet of the allotment. I am planning a wild flower strip to fence the allotment off from the road and to make a prettier view from the cottage, and planted thousands of Californian poppy seeds (pic) in the poor rough ground this morning. I also set my potatoes out in the spare bedroom for "chitting" Monty Don in one of the Sunday supplements state that farmers used to plonk their bare arses into the soil to see if it was "warm" enough to allow potato planting to take place! well it did amuse me!

The allotment has helped with weightwatchers considerably over the past couple of weeks and weightloss this week is 4.5 ibs!! So the total amount gone is 1 st 1 lb!!!!!!!!!in 4 weeks.

Susan the breeder that we have got all the dogs from e mailed me this morning: she is a direct, doggy person, with a pragmatic often brusque manner! that I am sure can be a little off putting to those that don't know her. I have always warmed to her,and her email I recieved this morning touched me greatly. It was exactly what I needed to read today

"I suppose people cannot understand that our dogs mean so much to us they are our life our pleasure is taking them out and seeing them run like you thats where the enjoyment comes in. I always feel we do the very best we can for our dogs and no-one can do anymore but give them the best doggy life they can have. You are the same ,---your gang are very lucky to have you.

If you ever need us you know where we are."

I was very touched.

"300" & a battle for control

300 (2006) is a film either watched by geeks who like "adult" comic books or men who like buffed up half naked Greeks, showing off their unreasonably toned bodies. I guess there are a few homoerotic- liking comic book fans that actually get both boxes ticked when watching this visually beautiful film, but perhaps they are in the minority? humm well maybe/maybe not?

The film was fairly good fun; Gerard Butler, David Wenham, Vincent Regan and Dominic West all have bigger bosoms than the only female in the cast Lena Headey! and the homoerotic relationships that the Spartans are historically famous for have been glossed over with comic book violence ,gore and a masculinity overflow! It was all a bit much, but I must admit I did like Butler as King Leonidas with his booming Scottish accent. The real history of the battle of Thermopylae makes more interesting reading:- http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Battle_of_Thermopylae.

When I was making tea tonight, Maddie and Meg came to blows over a pigs ear and their first fight since arriving here was a humdinger! It had to come I suppose, as Leader Fin has gone, and neither bitch was in the mood to back down, which was especially strange for Maddie . Usually I would have left them to it, but the fight was particularly bad tempered , I felt obliged to haul meg up by the scruff of her neck out of the way.

First day that I haven't cried.

The Finlay Memorial Cup

I don't want to bang on about it all, but I was happier today when I heard that we can rename the cup that we bought as a donation to the Trelawnyd Flower Show in memory of Fin. The flower show, in comparison to the somewhat larger and showier Prestatyn show

http://www.prestatynflowershow.co.uk/, needed a few more cups as prizes, as not all the winners were in a position to receive a trophy. So Chris and I and a couple of the new committee members have offered to donate a couple of silver cups. Nice to think that Fin has one named after him!

Lovely day today, so short blog! out in the field finishing the allotment!

London to Brighton and Picking a gravestone

Only had one cry today, when I was reading the daily post of all bloody things: -http://icnorthwales.icnetwork.co.uk/news/conwygwynedd/tm_method=full&objectid=18722806&siteid=50142-name_page.html, guess it will get better!

Ned and Janet came up trumps yesterday, as they brought us a lovely stone from Llanasa Churchyard (where Ned's brother is repairing dry stone walls) I have taken it to the stone mason's today to have Fin's name engraved on it. The stone is small, well weathered and probably pre-victorian and will look just right in the front garden, I think it is important to mark his grave appropriately.

Working last night threw all my plans out yesterday as I had organised in my mind to work a day, so today I was on catch up after sleeping well past my planned slumber time. Took Meg to the vets to have all her stitches out, which was a little sad and then got stuck in with digging the allotment as the weather was glorious.

Totally forgot that Hazel and I had planned to go to the cinema, so raced around to meet her to see London to Brighton (2006) . Vertigo Films ' blurb states that...... It's 3:07am and two girls burst into a run down London toilet. Joanne is crying her eyes out and her clothing is ripped. Kelly's face is bruised and starting to swell. Duncan Allen lies in his bathroom bleeding to death. Duncan's son, Stuart, has found his father and wants answers. Derek, Kelly's pimp, needs to find Kelly or it will be him who pays. Kelly and Joanne need to get through the next 24 hours alive...
Hummmm? not a bag of laughs eh? actually the film is a simple taut thriller made compelling by a straightforward performance by Lorraine Stanley (pic) , the car crash of a hooker that still has a heart! It is bleak and gritty but zips along at a pace and a half, and doesn't half keep you watching. A good British film!

Lots to do tomorrow, chitting potatoes, rotavating and the like!
Interesting entry on Gay for today!
http://gayfortoday.blogspot.com/

Arse over tit

Got into work this morning only to find that I am actually on night duty! so back home I have trudged.(the journey was a little surreal as a huge deer had written off a saloon car on the A55 and the bloody carnage was scattered all over the carriageway)
The mistake is typical of things this week, I have forgotten to pay certain bills, bounced a cheque as I wrongly worked out how much money we had in the joint account and have forgotten to return some library text books as well as a score of other little mistakes and omissions. This has been irritating me too so I was glad to get away yesterday to Liverpool. Spent a rather miserable afternoon shopping but then met up with Nuala, our first meet since the wedding. I didn't want to talk about my week and her family gossip and trauma more than filled the talking space for both of us which I was grateful for. So I listened to the post wedding stories of how A had fallen out with B, and how C was behaving badly; and what D and F were up to after visiting G etc etc. She is energy personified, and just being there made me feel better.

We had a lovely meal (fatfighters don't listen-wild boar and black pudding!) at The Monro on Duke street, after which I got the 9.30 train home. Chris picked me up, he was down and upset as he had spent the evening alone with the dogs and had "come down with a bump" as it were after a busy week at work. We went to bed early with Maddie (wagging her stubby paws in pleasure) laying inbetween us

Chris and I are going to the auction house this afternoon in Colwyn Bay which will be nice. If the weather holds perhaps we can have an amble on Llandudno pier.

Keeping busy & Jim will fix it.

Half the allotment has now been completed, and it has been a beautiful day to be working outside. I am fed up at feeling miserable, so have been incredibly busy digging and washing, doing the weekly shop ,walking the dogs and planting bulbs and plants. Grief is a bastard of thing as it creeps up on you and suddenly something small catches you unawares!-laying you lower than you ever thought possible. This morning I went to feed the chickens and removed the corn feed from my storage place on the floor of the back seat of the car (it is safer being there as the mice can't reach it) As I did so I noticed tiny pieces of tissue on the back seat where I had cleaned the car after Finlay peed on it on his return journey from the animal hospital a weeks or so ago. Chris and I laughed at it at the time as we were just grateful just to have him coming home! just remembering that small thing was enough to set me off.

People have been very kind over the last day or so. Flowers and cards and phone calls and texts all have been gratefully recieved, but I know it sounds a bit odd but I am not really up to chatting at the moment. I hope that people understand.



Last week I bought tickets for a comedy performance by Laurence Clark entitled - JIM FIXED IT FOR ME, which is at Theatre Clwyd. Chris said he hates stand up comedy so Carole stepped in to go. Didn't feel up for it really but felt as though I needed to go out.

Laurence Clark was, it turned out, to be excellent. A cerebral palsy sufferer,Dr Who fanatic and a Jimmy Savile survivor, his humour was very "spinal injury-ish" and therefore very comforting to me. He was also a very attractive charismatic performer! Carole and I had a nice evening and was a bit naughty (in a fatfinder points type of way) as we stopped off at Trelawnyd's Crown Inn for a couple of pints on the way home. The house seems very quiet without Fin when I walked in, Meg seems to have assumed control of the pack now, even though she is still very much a adolescent, and she bounced around in greeting.

Thursday

When a pet dies interested on lookers either "get" your grief or they don't, I guess it is the simple difference between pet owners and non pet owners. Grief is a concept we all understand, that is plain and simple. But grief over a dog, only a pet owner can truly appreciate. Its just the way of things.

(RIGHT: Chris found this pic of Fin and I on his computer and e mailed it me this morning)

Got up far too early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so did what all middle aged gay men do at difficult times.......I cleaned the house from top to bottom. Finished around 8am and fell asleep under our glorious 1940 eiderdown on the bed. Meg was fast asleep next to me when I awoke, not in any Anthropomorphic supportive type way, but in a needy "I know something is wrong and I have to be reassured-way." We all went to the beach as usual, and of course it felt dreadfully wrong to have three dogs and not four, and there and then the grief hits you, like a bolt out of the blue. It has been like this all day.

The weather was dreadful today but I did manage to plant some violas and aqualegia on Fin's grave. Lost another pound too (total weight loss 10.5lbs) after the weigh-in at Fatfighters this afternoon, which I think was a miracle after drinking most of a bottle of wine last night and chomping half a tube of pringles!!!. Sat through the "inspirational" chat afterwards, but I didn't really listen. A shitty day all round.