Shit In A Pot

One of many broods of indian runners in the kitchen 

Yesterday evening I received a phonecall from a woman who needed some advice about ducklings. Her son had brought home four and she was in a pickle of what to feed them and how to keep them warm.
I gave her the info she needed ( scrambled egg is a great stopgap for hungry ducklings) and wished her well.
Ducklings are notoriously dirty little creatures , I warned her, especially if they are kept in the house. They have a somewhat annoying skill of flinging shit with their feet and it is easy to catch salmonella from them, if you don't wash your hands properly.
Nine years ago , after a particularly nasty bout of diarrhoea, I had to take a stool specimen into the labs at work to see if I had caught a nasty bug from my own ducklings who were being nursed in the dog crate in the kitchen. The sample was " placed" in a small plastic specimen jar and was neatly labelled with my name, nhs number and the words faecal specimen on the side. I placed it on the dashboard of the old berlingo and went out to complete a few jobs.before setting off for the hospital.

Now, I had forgotten about the container until I had stopped to let Olwenna Banks Hughes and Gwyneth Jones into the car. The two old ladies had walked along London Road a way and as Olwenna's fat ankles looked even more swollen than usual I offered them a lift home.
As we turned up High Street, the stool sample rolled noisily along the dashboard from its resting place,  first one way then the other and both old ladies stopped their chatter to silently watch it on its journey underneath the windscreen.

I said nothing and neither did they.
The " shit in a pot" incident was never referred to again

Ball Trouble

The woman involved is usually rather aloof.
She's tiny and skinny and never says hello but always pats Winnie when they pass each other on the walkway.
I noticed that she always wears large sunglasses even in bad weather.
I'd say she was approaching 70.
As usual she had a chirpy, long legged mongrel with her and today she was swinging a ball which was attached to a wide plastic handle.
I was daydreaming so only realised that there would be a problem seconds too late, as moments after our paths crossed I turned to warn her not to get too close to Winnie with the ball.
For Winnie adores balls.
As I turned I saw the woman merrily swinging the toy for her own dog to play with and like lightening Winnie jumped up and grabbed the ball in her fat and very powerful mouth.
The woman pulled back on the handle.
Winnie pulled harder.
And without , even a pause the woman flew through the air like a rag doll and landed with a splat on the path.
I almost laughed at the very cartoon nature of it all, thank god I didn't.

I don't think she'll sue, and she did wave me away after I offered to pay for any damage to the sunglasses ( once we eventually found them) but at least she let me dust  her off briefly and check her for hip fractures.

Film

I was thinking about my love of cinema this morning and where it all came from.

Visiting the cinema in the 1970s could have been viewed by some as a rather dismal activity. The decade was not known as an uplifting period in movie history as some of the bleakest films found their way to the screen (Straw Dogs, Clockwork Orange,Dog Day Afternoon, Taxi Driver and One Flew Over The Cuckoo's nest) yet as a baby faced adolescent I was spared the trauma of trying to get into see an "X" certificate movie.....favouring the more teen friendly "A" and "AA" movies..............so of course we had the plethora of disaster films of the mid 70's to enjoy, as well as the likes of Jaws, BugsyMalone,The Omen,The Spy That Loved Me, Close Encounters and Alien)

The cinemas were large cold, uncomfortable orange and beige places that smelled of cigarettes and damp, but I loved making the effort to go to Rhyl on the bus to sit though a matinee by myself, the trouble to go the four miles, really made the ritual worthwhile.

There were always two features on offer,and always an ice cream lady with proper ice cream and wafers all set out in a box strung around her neck. (I never had the money to get an ice cream!)

Matinees were almost deserted every time I went, so even to this day, there is something quite reassuring and familiar when I am surrounded by empty seats and all alone in the dark, the lighter side of seventies movie life (remember the 1970's was a bleak economic, news worthy and political time), could wash over me.

This love of film fantasy has continued to be an important part of my life today. Love of the technicolour epic continues ( and always will do), but thankfully my cinematic interests and experiences are now wide and varied! 

The ritual of choosing the film, the paying for the ticket and the sitting down in a chosen ( and quiet) seat remains a joy and this evening if I go and see the biopic Churchill, my experience will be as fresh and as enjoyable as my 1974 trip to see The Poseidon Adventure!

Tell me what I am feeling

Lard arse

Stan stopped me today with a cheery " I was telling my Kit only yesterday that you've lost some weight ....you look better for it too....you were starting to waddle!" 
I smiled weakly
He was right....I had started to waddle.
I am beginning to feel the benefit of no scotch eggs, those daily long walks with Mary and the weekly drive to Holywell for weigh in at fat club.
So far I have lost 32 lbs!
" Thats the equivalent of sixteen bags of sugar! "  so screamed  leader Joanne at Fatclub amid ooohhhs and arrrhhhh  from the seated masses...but I find it more astonishing that it is the exact weight of William! A dog that I would have difficulty carrying for more than 50 yards!
No wonder I had found it hard reaching the bathtaps whilst having a bath!

Now I can reach those taps without rocking back and forth like a waterlogged Buddha
I can now march those two miles with Mary without gasping and farting
And I can get into my underpants without the usual hopping around and overbalancing.
My treble chin has now become a double chin.
And my non elasticated pants have now been dusted down to be worn.
I have 28 lbs to go!
How could I have got so big!? I ask myself now
The answer is an easy one....
I ate too much shit!

Pass A Tissue

Anne Dorval as the heart recipient 

I went to see the French " Transplant" movie Heal the Living tonight at Theatre Clwyd.

It chronicled the story of the transplant of a heart from donor to recipient ...now

I have been involved several times in the harvesting of organs .. so the movie intrigued me 

One scene, where a heart failure patient sleeps alongside her distraught lesbian lover ( who just happens to be a concert pianist ) I found especially moving and I had to smile that as I blubbed quietly in seat D13 a woman who often sits in C12 ( that I nod to but have never talked to) silently passed me a tissue over her shoulder! 

Jamming My Head Through The Conservatory Window

• The hot and humid weather is proving somewhat troublesome for some. After Church on Sunday Trendy Carol ( dressed in a flattering floaty trouser ensemble) stopped by to ask if I could check on neighbour T, who had suffered a "bit of a do" on one of the back pews and who had taken his way back home. I immediately popped down and worryingly got no answer when I knocked on the door. Seeing the conservatory window ajar, I managed to climb up onto a wall and jammed my head through the gap and proceeded to call my neighbour's name and shouted to see if he was ok. Getting no answer and all very hot and very sweaty I circled the bungalow trying to force open windows and doors. It was a good job that my burglary skills are pretty shit as I found out soon later that neighbour T had been enjoying a large roast lunch at The Crown!
• The Flower Show meeting went smoothly on Monday. Matriarch Irene has agreed to take over Auntie Glad's stall and after last year's initiative of sandwich making went somewhat flat the committee will stick to selling homemade cakes as refreshments. 
• Can all cup winners return their engraved cups asap thank you!
• Apologies to the blog fan who knocked on the window yesterday with her somewhat colourful daughter and her boyfriend in tow! I should have offered you all a cup of tea, but I was frying meatballs at the time....it was nice to meet you.- apologies again for Winnie's lascivious behaviours and  forgive me but I never asked your name...please comment if you read this so I know who you are! 
• Thanks for the latest novelty veg photo! Zombie potato!  ( jgsheffield@hotmail.com)

It's so humid today..I am presently lying on the chaise longue wafting myself with a limp bit of lettuce 

A Simple Lesson In Mental Illness

Yesterday I was almost drawn into a debate about the punishment of terrorists and counter terrorists here in the British Isles.
I pulled back from the argument, worried at the way the conversation was heading.
Words like monsters and evil and capital punishment were being thrown about into the mix with descriptions like mad and bad and at times like these, where emotions are understandably high, we need to take a deep breath in order to separate the wheat from the chaff.
Secreted within the fundamentalists, the misguided and the angry will be the mentally ill. Terrorist plots, the fear of attack and the conspiracy theories that will no doubt accompany them are like nectar to bees when it comes to people suffering from psychotic delusions. The madness of the acts attracts true madness like a magnet.
Someone who is acutely mentally ill and who is  sectionable under the mental health act ( for being a danger to themselves or to others) is not in control of their faculties, plain and simple
They are unable to make informed decisions and therefore cannot be held responsible for their actions.
These people need medical and nursing care, and not punishment . In severe cases secure care may well be for life.
Now it can be argued that all terrorists that maim and kill and destroy seemingly without a second glance must be mad in someway and I have no easy answer to this, suffice to say there has always been a fine line between evil and psychopathic behaviour and psychosis. One can be termed bad, and can be punished the other may be called mad and needs treatment. The definitions are always blurred by emotion.
I don't know if any of the recent terror attacks were actually committed by someone Suffering from mental illness.
But what I do know, and what I am passionate about, is the fact that if any of them are psychotic and sectionable under the Mental Heath Act, then people should realise that they are not in control of their actions.

A Frozen Lobster on Your nipples.

The Prof broke a tooth on a maverick hors d'oeuvre and has retired to bed after emergency dental work. I took the dogs out in the relative cool of the evening. It's been so hot today Winnie has laid down in the shade of the garden buddleia with a tea towel covered Aldi frozen half lobster placed under her nipples.

Bulldogs don't do heat! 

We bumped into affable despot Claire in the street. She had just seen very small girl running through the village clutching a teddy bear, and had gone out, in her comfy pants to investigate . The girl  was no where to be seen, which prompted a " ghost girl " sort of conversation 

We've all agreed that we had experienced far too sun today. 

Love a duck

It's hot again today, almost too hot to sleep after night shift.

There is a Flower Show meeting at 2pm

I will leave you with two more entries to the novelty veg/fruit competition 

Green Peacock and Out for a duck

Send entries to jgsheffield@hotmail.com

Gravestone

Apart from Auntie Glad's house and a few cottages on Bonc Terrace, our cottage is one of the oldest around .  It was originally built in 1674 then rebuilt, presumably after it was delerict in 1864
I tell you this by way of local colour.
On my travels throug the old graveyard, I have got know several of the old gravestones andone in particular has always caught my eye.  This morning I took several sheets of kitchen roll and a watering can of water and cleaned it off. I couldn't readit all but this is what I found

Here Lies John Norman of Axton ( a hamlet East of Trelawnyd)

The mines in this country were much wrought in his time.

He was an adventurer therein also

For sometime a superintendent for the government for smelting 

Down lead in Trelogan Hall and for coalmining in Bagillt 

Also in memory of George, his son,  of the East India Company

Who drowned off the coast of Sumatra in 1746

How wonderful to be described as an " adventurer"! 

I wonder what my gravestone will say?

There Is Nothing Like An Old Dame

finally my favourite actress of all time has been awarded an award by the Queen at the ripe old age of 101
Better Late Than Never

The Funny Side of Resus

There were about twenty people in the village Hall when I arrived for defib training last night. There were two teachers from the school, curly haired Maureen representing the Friendship Group, Mrs Trellis waving the flag for the church and a bloke I didn't know from the Male voice choir all sitting politely waiting for the fun to begin . Sandra, the popular  village Hall's caretaker, various members of the Hall committee and a smattering of villagers made up the numbers, villagers which included local farmer Med, a father and his ten year old son and a young woman from the new bungalows.
Not a bad turn out all told.
The training was carried out by the local first responders who are self funded  volunteers and who often get to arrest situations before the paramedics in this rural part of Wales. Our trainers were a primary school teacher a pharmacist and an ambulance driver.
Sandra kicked off the giggling by being unable to get the combination right on the defib case outside the hall which was a good start, then, Mrs Trellis, a slight lady at the best of times had noticable difficulty compressing the chest of resus dummy adequately!
" You can always use your foot" the trainer suggested helpfully
" not with these heels on" she countered.
Mrs Trellis has an unhurried ,precise and intensely mannered way about her, so I had to smile when she uncovered the defib pads with all the delicacy of a Japanese tea lady and placed them with infinate care upon the dummy. Pleased with what she had done she sat back to survey her work for a few seconds before starting chest compressions once more.
" Have I forgotten anything? " she chirped
" You need to switch the machine on" the responder suggested.
During the group chat, Farmer Med, who is a world travelled hiker, stumped the trainers for a few seconds with his
" What do I do if someone has a heart attack up the Himalayas?" 
"Do the best you can " came the reply

Busy

It's a day for small jobs. Ringing round the members of the Flower Show committee in order to organise a meeting for Monday, dropping off a sunflower to a friend who has lost her partner. Planting out more sunflowers and agapanthus by the back door.  Cutting the lawn. Cleaning the perspex on the village noticeboard. Washing clothes, hoovering the car.....weeding and polishing
Hours filled with jobs that don't sound very important

Alien Covenant

The Prof is still away so I went to see Alien Covenant this evening. It was so-so somewhat of a mess really but I kind of liked Katherine Waterston who inherited the Sigourney Weaver role even though she looked like a lumpy Amelie ! Unfortunately there was less of her and more of the irritating Michael Fassbender 

I will leave you with some more novelty veg/ fruit entries

Keep em coming please 

To jgsheffield@hotmail.com

The Visit

I've been putting the visit off for a while now.
Auntie Glad's nursing home holds some very sad memories for me as it was the last home my mother knew before her death fifteen years or so ago.
Then, the home, was managed by what I thought, a fairly sloppy individual so today when I buzzed to be let through the security door, I was impressed to see a smart young woman in a crisp blue uniform answer the door.
" Are you her nephew?" the carer asked as she showed me into the day room filled with sleeping residents.
"No just a friend" I told her.
Gladys looked tired when I sat down next to her. She knew who I was when I told her but her chat was vague and her mood flatter than I have seen it before. The only time the old Gladys returned was when I gave her the hand crocheted blanket Going Gently reader Amy had made for her.
Only then did she raise the soft wool to her face exclaiming " Wonderful how wonderful" so loud that a woman opposite suddenly woke up and asked no one in particular if she could go to bed.
I talked about the Flower Show schedules and the village news and in a pause Gladys said " I'm not quite right you know" 
I held her hand for a moment and asked her what she meant
Gladys shook her head, seemingly unable to articulate what she wanted to say
Moments later she gave a tiny laugh " I'm done for" she said quietly.

Movie Night

I was seventeen when Manhattan, Woody Allen's homage to New York, was released and I had forgotten just how beautiful the city was captured by the movie's black and white cinematography.
The story of neurotic, naturally funny Midtown academics, remains, clever and amusing and certainly iconic but it was not quite as funny as I liked to remember so I was tickled pink when I got home to see a homemade film trailer in my email inbox from the affable despots!
It is a film trailer from the up and coming Trelawnyd based film Chapel Street! 
Enjoy! 

Chapel Street is the oldest street in the village

Ps what I love about manhattan  was the way many of the scenes were set up with the major actors in the foreground just to the side of extras in the background...the extras' stories were just as important as the main actors....watch it and you will agree 

A Little Of What You Fancy!

We all need a treat from time to time.
For the dogs it is a cheap frankfurter sausage that gets the blood pumping!
And this morning they had two each to be getting on with.
I was in two minds whether or not to get myself a scotch egg but I was virtuous and bought myself a melon instead!
My treat today will be a trip to the cinema this evening. The Prof is away so it's a lone trip to Theatre Clwyd to see Woody Allen's classic Manhattan
What's your treat to yourself?

One Up

A bit of lightness is needed.....thought I 'd share one of those moments when the stars align with the moon!

A woman I know is a bit of a show off!
Designer shoes, flash car, expensive holidays,
She loves to underline just how great her life is!
Anyhow I saw her yesterday coming out of  Sainsbury's supermarket recycling area.
She stopped her very large car and dropped her posh sunglasses to say hi
Noting that she makes a big deal of always going to Waitrose I chirped up with a
" We don't usually see you here! " kind of comment
" I've just been to the clothes bank" she explained, trying to sound all pious
" Did you find anything nice?" I purred with a smile! 

A Story From York Minster

Recently the Prof and I were caught up in a mega traffic jam on the way back from the beach. The A55 (the main duel carriageway serving North Wales) was closed both ways as the police dealt with a suicidal woman who was threatening to jump from a bridge, and in soaring temperatures we, like a few thousand others sat in our cars waiting for the roads to clear.
http://www.dailypost.co.uk/news/see-a55-drivers-passing-time-13133667
Twitter abounded with pithy and then just plain rude complaints about just how selfish the woman involved was, and frustrated in our hot car, I remembered a time when I was on the other side of such an incident!
Then, I worked in York as a junior staff nurse in the city's flagship psychiatric hospital, Bootham Park and on one sunny afternoon, I remember being asked to help a colleague after the patient she had been admitting unexpectedly ran from our ward seconds after being brought in as a voluntary patient.
We had no idea of what could be going on in the guy's mind, all we knew that he was said to be suffering from anxiety, but as he raced down the long drive towards the city centre the female nurse and I both felt that cold dread of something not quite right.
Generally, nurses were expected to retrieve absconding patients only within the hospital grounds, leaving the police to find any in the community, but then without hesitation we both chased the man as he turned left out of the hospital gates and down Petergate where we lost him in the tourist crowds.

What seemed like an age later, we were joined by a policeman who had just heard that a colleague of his had approached a " suspicious" man in York Minster who had suddenly bolted up onto the South Transept roof, where he, without the slightest of hesitations, had thrown himself off.

Now ,if you are ever "inconvenienced" by such events like the one The Prof and I found ourselves in a couple of weeks ago and find yourself less than sympathetic to the person sat on that motorway bridge -spare a thought for the emergency personnel  who are trying their best to deal with the situation.
Even though that nurse and I had not got any real notion of what was going on with that patient, the cold, paralysing fear that he had taken his life whilst under our " care" was a feeling, we will never ever forget and I know that the policeman we met up with felt exactly the same.


As it turned out, the patient actually survived his fall but sustained life changing spinal injuries as a result of it and I was part of the team that went to assess him again as he was being rehabilitated in his wheelchair. Strange as it may seem, he had absolutely no idea why he had jumped from the roof in the first place!