Uniforms

Something rather unmentionable covered my work trousers overnight , and I had to resort to borrowing a pair of pyjama bottoms for most of the shift.
One of the patients offered me a pair of her fleece lined lounge pants but I declined gracefully stating they were not quite my colour.

I have worn a uniform of sorts on every day bar one in my entire adult working life of 37 years bar for one day.
That was my first day as charge nurse of my own ward, where I went in for management day wearing a shirt and tie.
The mainly Yorkshire staff were somewhat nonplussed by my effort of looking smart and for the most part laughed good humouredly at my efforts.
One middle aged lass, a support worker who had been a colleague for over a decade sniffed loudly as I passed
" You going to a funeral ?" She asked dryly

My ward uniform then was a navy tunic. Going into navy , is a proud step for a nurse in the Uk for it generally means you have reached the rank of " sister" , a position that then signified that you ran your own ward.
Now , with the plethora of clinical nurse specialists and advenaced nurse practitioners sisters can be found in abundance, but still there is a kudos and respect for the role and the experience.

In the early 1990s I went to Pittsburgh to visit the city's rehabilitation units and in one wore my own natty white British uniform in the clinical area
The mainly black collection of patients found it hilarious and often referred to me as "stay puft"Guy
A reference which took me a while to work out

There's always one that will bring you down to earth
Everyone's a critic!

Lockdown a few more thoughts

Overheard but not seen through the living room window

" Hello Darling are you sunbathing" 

Winnie gives the stranger a grunt

" Arhhh Geoffrey he's trying to shake paws" 

More grunting

"Look Geoffrey shake his paw, he's holding it out to you!"

"Hello" ( males voice - presumably Geoffrey's)

More grunting

" She 's showing you the shaved bit on her leg where the vet took blood" I called out from the living room 

" Awwww poor baby let's see your poorly leg then. Come on show us your poorly leg!" 

Lots of satisfied grunting followed

Choir meeting last night on Zoom.

Bit of a technological disaster but it was always good to see everyone

Hattie recorded our final song's visuals rather than the singing and speeded up it looks rather sweet given the fact we were all belting out our usual final song 

" You Raise Me Up!" 

Which often leaves a few choristers all a but teary eyed

The physicality of the lockdown hit home on Monday for obvious reasons

I needed a hug. A physical, it will be alright hug

And it didn't come

But what did come was the texts and the videos and the messages and the gifs and all of those wonderful things the mobile phone and the iPad  now gives us all

Almost having friends in the same room .

I've had a shave and a bath and changed my clothes today.

Ive combed my hair and used moisturiser ( see I do listen Mavis)

I've listen to ghost stories videoed from a friend, Colin in Liverpool

And still have paperwork to complete , which has been laying out since Monday

I am officially single and have let go of the want to have closure of certain things too faraway now to need to deal with. History has been rewritten and will be now believed. I emailed my former husband a last email and wished us both " happier times" 

I made bread last night

And I'm already looking forward to going back to work tomorrow night
On the whatsapp Trelawnyd community warden forum Bunty shared a photo of her extra short haircut and Affable despot Jason asked me for some spare paintings to put up in his new, home made summer house

Albert looks thinner , maybe needs a wormer

Will treat Trendy Carol ( in natty maroon shorts yesterday) and her hubby to Easter eggs from the girls when I go shopping for dog food later. They continue to be stars

Villager Jim passed the cottage last night and looked through the window to see the lit flamingo
We shared a thumbs up sign
" all is well" we mouthed

  

Raising Money For My Hospice

In celebration of the goat invasion 

Order your tee shirts 

https://stdavidshospice.org.uk/shop/?fbclid=IwAR1j1r7hxnLn0ZoOPIPZ_Xvus3qFrjkpAhUnkepaBdqHMLAnMFCNmR8VWvM

Vigil

South West of Trelawnyd there is a flat, wide valley which runs gently down towards the coastal plain nearly six hundred feet below.
One of the fields that border the road seawards has been newly ploughed and seeded and perched proudly in its centre is a somewhat incongruous smiling scarecrow wearing a multicoloured Kagool
I saw him today
Arms outstretched in a Jaunty welcome he faces passing motorists quite cheerfully

Positive and optimistic
It's the only way forward

Decree Absolute

The attachment on my solicitor's email caught me somewhat by surprise this morning.
It was an unsurprisingly dry document stamped from the family court in Newport Gwent stating I was no longer officially married.
The decree absolute in black and white.
My solicitor kindly wished me well and as instructed I printed up the document for safe keeping without really thinking about what I was doing but I read again her words   " I am sure you will be pleased that this matter has reached its conclusion"

"This matter"
Two words that encompass nearly twenty years of my life

In my mind , I have fantasised how I would react to today's news.
On Going Gently I have never bad mouthed my husband's behaviour in deciding to end our marriage
I get that people change and so do their wants and needs and emotions
I have hinted it that has been the way he initiated the split that was so disappointing and awful for me to deal with and I stand by those words now.
The way we split was truly awful to experience
He eventually got what he wanted, a new younger partner and a new, totally different  life style
And he rewrote a history in his head, in the same way his mother had done when she was divorced
A history that I always thought of as ongoing.

I pulled up papers from my box files , and arranged them neatly on the kitchen table.
Today I have planned to sort outstanding bills and statements and filing and already have penned a do do list on a simple square of wring paper
Each line with its own square box to be ticked off

My sister has just video called me by accident, she is crocheting me a new cushion cover for the yellow living room

The bulldogs were lying sleeping in their chair in the kitchen and I went upstairs , changed the bedding, had a bath and got changed into some proper clothes, then me and Mary slipped out, unnoticed by the front door and took a walk up the lane.

The sky is blue here in Trelawnyd but it's kind of cold and we walked up through the Churchyard and sat on the far bench not far from the grave of auntie Gladys's daughter
Tumbled thoughts from the past two years filled my mind until it felt like bursting but Mary as she has a want to to jumped up next to me and leant inwards as only Welsh terriers do and we both looked out over the livery stable fields where the ponies were trotting with their heads high and their nostrils flaring.
They looked, I thought,  like my pottery pony which stands proudly against the art wall in the kitchen
And with Mary as my only company

I had a long and final cry

We Will Meet Again

The old girl pitched it just right.
Balanced, no mention of the virus, and concentrating on our strengths
She underlined all of the low key virtues she feels it means to be British
She also reminded us that she has been making such speeches since 1940
And she was going no where during this crisis
Her final, stoic and unflappable sentence made me tear up
Looking directly into the camera with no dramatic pausing
She said simply
" We will meet again"
Nice one Betty

Bush Trimming, and Gay Thoughts

I've just harnessed my innate gay energy

I've finally summoned my inner most Mildred Pierce and in a fit of gay energy have cut down the overgrown evergreen bush in the front garden to a manageable height.
I could almost hear neighbours Mandy & Sailor John breathe  a huge joint sigh of contentment after I had finished
It had been an eyesore for a year
It's a hard job given that Dorothy and Albert are following my every movement.
Winnie is sitting my the gate watching for any passerby to stop.
When they envairably do, she isn't shy at showing each one her shaved leg site where the vets took a blood sample.
She's very conscious of it's haematoma
She's such a drama queen

As I was humping the cut foliage across to my field bonfire I spied Rhodri driving down the lane .
He waved rather self consciously . " Rhodri " is my friend with very occasional benefits. I won't say any more than that, after all he's single and outwardly very straight but it was nice to see a friendly, masculine face today
I'm very sanguine about Rhodri 
Him being firmly in a closet is his own affair and not my problem.
Now writing this snippet of gossip should get the locals' gums gnashing!
I wish lockdown could be lifted for a sweaty 40 minutes!



Already this morning there are several dozen what 's app messages from the warden's group to catch up on as well as a few pithy one liners from friends to answer.
I caught up with my old friend Nigel yesterday for nearly an hour

Apparantly I remind him of Angela Landsbury 
WTF?

I'm tired after my gardening ablutions but will finish the job before sinking into my armchair for a snooze.
Ive not got to the Miranda Hart" fruit friends" stage quite yet

 But I will leave you with this somewhat worrying photograph of two Welsh policemen on duty.
In light of the fact the London parks are still full of sunbathers yesterday, our Welsh boys have taken loitering in public places an arrestable offence

Stay safe

Hey ho

Beautiful

One of most beautiful woman I have ever seen is
Emma Thompson at the end of Nanny Mc Phee

Diary Of A Nobody

Yesterday
Finished work at 8.00 am
Laughed with colleagues, negiotiated around wild mountain goats in car park
Drove towards home on deserted roads
Stopped at Sainsbury's for provisions
Told to get to front of queue by nice trolley man who read my name badge
Old man in queue complained loudly that I went before him, so much for the Blitz spirit
Bought gin and bread and beer
Old man who complained snorted when he saw my purchases

Drove home
Village quiet
Waved at Mrs Trellis who was out with Blue, she had starched her bobble hat again.

Walked dogs down Gypsy lane,
Shepherd Graham was tending to his new lambs
Checked Trelawnyd 's Emergency whatsapp group. 34 messages!

Cleaned kitchen floor

Realised I had lost my wallet again.....searched house
Rang work to see if wallet was there....no....bugger!!!!!
Searched car and house again
Checked washing machine ( where I had found it before )
Nothing
Spent 1hour 49 minutes waiting to to get through to Barclays to cancel credit Card
Fell asleep doing so
Woken up by lovely Sonia shouting " Helloooo" from scotland who kindly cancelled my card
Made avocado on toast ( with egg)
Finally went to bed at 12.30 pm.....shattered
Dogs woke me at 3pm , barking at Postman
Gathered them up and took them round to Trendy Carol's ( who was wearing a floaty cream and brown ensemble) 
Walked back home realising I was still in pyjamas
Went to bed again
Woke up at 5.30 pm

Drank cold coffee left over from breakfast


Fed Albert
Spooned out dog food
Answered phone , old friend Nigel, told him I will catch up with him today
Collected and fed dogs , realised I was still in pyjamas
Washed and then donned uniform, washed up pots
Left message on recycling for binmen with beer..thanking them for working
6.45 pm left for work
7.22 pm stopped at West Shore and admired the view and the very cold air

Felt human for a few minutes
7.29 got to work.
Laughed with colleagues
Placed gin I had bought in office
It is a gift to one of the support workers who will cut my hair before I leave for home tomorrow

I See You

It's almost 5 am
I wasn't sure if I was going to blog today.
My life has became smaller , not only with self isolation but with night shifts.

Certain phrases have become synonymous with trauma and moments of crisis,
I've just been thinking.

I love you
Is the example that springs most readily to mind
In 9/11 the protagonists in buildings and aircraft were quick to repeat these words to their loved ones
So important it was to share the most fundamental and vital of emotions

Patients, indeed everyone of us have difficult times during a day.
The wee small hours on a night shift can be especially hard if nerves are jagged and resolve is low.
At these times nursing is often a visual and very human vocation.

The patient needs to know you are there.
You are present
You are available, alert and focused
Like a hen sat on her chicks,
like your mother when you were a sick child,
Like a vigilant lover when you're asleep

And the phrase that is most relevant to say is the reassuring

I am watching you.

Fight Club

Our worlds get smaller and things that never became important before become important now.
I was desperate to get back to work last night.
Desperate to have something of purpose to do
People to talk to
Characters to bounce off.

Social isolating cannot happen when patients need turning and made comfortable
The physical contact of colleagues are ties that bind.

Nurse humour cannot be beaten for sheer, undiluted gall
On one of her last hospital admissions my mother witnessed a brief meeting at the nurses station when an over tired support worked hissed at two very harassed staff nurses
" I've just found another one Dead!" 
Whereafter all three burst into brief and somewhat hysterical laughter

In my mind tiredness, night nurse hysteria and overwork is often the reciepie for a good laugh.

I once had to take charge at the resuscitation of a man with severely contracted legs.
He had effectively sat in a wheelchair for months before his admission without benefit of lying down supine on a bed , and so when placed on his back his legs sprang upwards as if he was glued to a chair.
We tried our best to bring the chap back to the land of the living and the defibrillator and arrest team were all called but eventually after a heroic try the team agreed that we had been unsuccessful
Dejected and defeated the team looked mutely on until a support worked popped her head around the curtains and commented that the patient was in no way going to fit in one of the porters' body boxes .
Cue prolonged and by no means irreverent laughter .

A valve release to a very human situation.
And I would always prefer to laugh than to cry.

It's not the drama, or the blood , or the sheer mental anguish of some nursing shifts that binds nurses together.
Sure all these things play a part in team work and the shared experience thing
But it's humour that gets us through and gives us the chutzpah to skip through the shit.

Any good manager understands this
I think the public now knows it too.

I remember one time when I was a junior staff nurse when a patient everyone disliked intensely choked on half an apricot during a mealtime on a neighbouring ward . He arrested at the dinner table after a prolonged bitching session at staff and we could see that the nurses had everything in hand so waited to be called if we were needed
After a half hour or so one of the support workers walked into our ward looking deflated and dejected

" How is he ?" I asked
The support worker signed
" He's fucking alive !" She shrugged theatrically
Cue ribald laughter .

I have a hundred such stories . And all are not disrespectful is any way.
Watch M*A*S*H  The original movie ....if you don't get it
Then you unbeliever, you may understand where I am coming from

Nurses humour, like the Film Fight  Club has its own rules

And What goes on it fight club....stays in Fight Club 

Vets

The twelve year old vet examined Winnie in the car park.
He agreed that the sudden lump on the old girl's neck looked nasty, especially as she has lost weight recently . He was also surprised when she gave him a wet kiss as he knelt in front of her.
" She's a friendly old gal" he said in an broad Irish brogue
" You will never know!" I told him
Winnie went off with him without looking back.
I had already agreed that we were not doing any heroics if things looked bleak.

I've not long picked her up
No cancer this time
Antibiotics and cream and a vague worry of future deterioration is a bonus as she is already on borrowed time and making the most of the necessary trip over the Welsh Hills we stopped briefly at an isolated  beauty spot layby and shared a shop bought sandwich

Our sides touching firmly like only old buddies can do.

Bits

Outside my solicitors office this morning

When I am not working, home routine has found its own level.
In the morning the girls and I now go down Gypsy Lane which is part bridlepath part livestock path hidden between fields that leads out south Westward of Trelawnyd towards Dyserth.
I make brunch when I return ( in an effort to cut down on one meal a day)
The girls often go to Trendy Carol's in the afternoon for a change of scene, she has a big garden, ideal for galloping around.
Mornings the same Village characters pass by.
Terry from the flowershow microwaves his breakfast when out with his dogs and it's perfectly cooked by the time he gets home
dapper Tim ( bright but not dim) stopped to have a brief chat about humanity and divorce
Pippa from the rectory , Mrs Trellis with her erect bobble hat.
I see them coming down the lane and suddenly find myself sweeping the patio in order to have an excuse to say hello.
I recognise the behaviour in some older, more isolated people of the village, before all this virus thing came forth .....
Note to self to be a little kinder with my time in future.

In Llandudno, the quiet streets have encouraged the mountain goats to come down from the Orme
This morning they have run amok in the buisness side of town ....
How things change when the dominant species hides away for a week!

As you can see from the previous post, I managed to get sorted my own personal protective equipment in the shape of the PAT tested facemask. I saw three people I used to work with on ITU and they all asked if I was going back.
The hospital looks tense and ready for action

Out of the blue, Winnie has some sort of growth on her neck.
I'm not sure if it an abscess or something more sinister
She's booked in for a review under sedation tomorrow

Life goes on

Masks

I'm waited in line  to get my PPE mask to be fitted at local hospital!!

And here I am all properly masked up.

We Are All In This Together

This is a visual metaphor for how things are for us all at the moment

Mary, Winnie and Dorothy share a chair with Albert ( yeap he's in there somewhere!!! Tucked right in the back!"  )

The Walking Dead

Sweet and sad

The global virus threat has even affected the season finale ( how ironic is that?)
So I have only one more episode until waiting for the all clear to see who survives into season 11
If The Walking Dead can illuminate anything on corona it is that humanity and kindness is the way forward
The series has been Easter egging corona for years 

Going Gently

I was worried about my job yesterday. Hospices all over the country are in dire financial need at the moment and I worked hard getting my job in order to keep the cottage .
The prospect of possible redundancies was almost too much to bare

Today, it's best foot forward.
I've cleared out my bookcases this morning and tucked away was a book , which has always been the inspiration for the blog

Most people think Going Gently derives from the poem by Dylan Thomas

" Do not go gentle into that good night,

             Old age should burn and rage at close of day
 
             Rage, rage at the dying of the light"

But it is the novel Going Gently by David Nobbs that is the true inspiration
"The novel is a series of memories, memories recalled by an eighty odd year old stroke patient Kate Thomas, who is paralysed in a hospital bed.
Isolated and unable to communicate , Kate plays in her mind the video of her turbulent life as a welcome relief from the sad and bad old women around her . But it is more than an escape . It is also the search for the truth about life,death , the acceptance of death and which of her three sons murdered her fifth husband...."

The book was a gift from a patient , I thought I didn't get on with very well
Her name was Julia
Paralysed in a car accident , that was in essence her own fault, she was a patient who wasn't patient  at all . She's moaned and complained and became so negative in her rehab that staff started to avoid her. I remember that her son once described her as being able to " suck the lifeforce out of a saint " so difficult she was but I also remember that she was plucky enough to follow the gaggle of younger male paraplegics to gym every morning without fail and to be able to put up with their colourful ribbing and telling off if she complained too much to them, disabled men who would not accept self pity and "kvetching"

I remember one day she called me  " a hard hearted bastard"  to my face , I can't really remember just what it was about , but I suspect I had " encouraged" her rather robustly to do something for herself
" I've been called a lot worse!" I shot back
"I bet you have!" Was Julia's reply

I looked at the book and dusted it off , planning to read it again , in this period of isolation
I hadn't noticed, or indeed remembered that Julia had written in the front of it,
A dedication of sorts
" You Gave Me my life back"
It said
Funny I never got that impression when I nursed her

Keep Yourself Going

I'm having a bad day today..living alone isn't always easy you know?

I think we all have the occasional bad day given our present situation 

I knew I was shaky when I shared something with a Going Gently follower and they emailed me with this statement

" At times you write, I respond, and you and I share a moment glimpsing into a place within your heart."

I valued this understanding and intuiative support...Mary x

This morning Rachel and I talked and laughed. At lunchtime I received a note of support from  my Australia buddy

Words acting as a duvet on a very cold night

Tonight I caught up with some Sheffield friends on video

I've just finished chatting with Jane, who carried on when Mike's link went down 

And we metaphorically held hands for an hour as only some old friends can do

Zoom Again

My patient died peacefully just a half hour before I finished my shift .
I said goodbye to his partner just as I was leaving the building and hugged him before getting into my car for home
You can't employ social distancing in a hospice...you just can't

I got home, collected the dogs from Trendy Carol , and set up the iPad just in time to meet up with the family on Zoom.
We had arranged to catch up with drinks
My nephew Chris, his partner Rebecca and daughter Evie, my sister Janet and hubby Ned, my sister in Law Jayne, sister Ann and brother in law Tim and great niece Ellie down in London had a bunfight  of a meet. Lots of shouting, lots of " We can't hear you!!!!" And lots of looking around flats and houses and artwork with lots of " ohhhhhss and arrrhhhhs!" 

It was a touch of base that was oh so needed, a grounding meet , a funny catch up.
Nothing sparkling, everything normal
And I am so lucky to have a dear family
After today's shift , and a review of life in Britain in general,
It is a family I am not about to take for granted
Hey ho x

Support Your Local Hospice

I'm going into work later.
Sickness has visited our part of North Wales like it has done everywhere,
I'm only surprised that they didn't need me in earlier.
I'm happy to do it, I really am.

Working for a charity in these uncertain times is worrying.
The lockdown simply means that money is not coming into the hospice's accounts
And that public money pays for the nurses' wages.
Nurses that continue to ensure quality end of life care is given during this crisis
Could well lose their jobs when it is all over!
Go figure!

The velvet voiced Linda who has organised the Village warden system has done a sterling job with now two wardens allocated to each street in the village and its environs. A whatsapp group now connects every warden to her in HQ and with each other and every few minutes this morning my phone has beeped urgently  with people co ordinating pharmacy runs and food deliveries .
We even have a village warden social app group, where most of the volunteers are sharing videos such as this one

Right time to try and control my unruly mop of greying hair
Work calls

Be safe my friends