Monday, 6 April 2020

Decree Absolute


The attachment on my solicitor's email caught me somewhat by surprise this morning.
It was an unsurprisingly dry document stamped from the family court in Newport Gwent stating I was no longer officially married.
The decree absolute in black and white.
My solicitor kindly wished me well and as instructed I printed up the document for safe keeping without really thinking about what I was doing but I read again her words   " I am sure you will be pleased that this matter has reached its conclusion"

"This matter"
Two words that encompass nearly twenty years of my life

In my mind , I have fantasised how I would react to today's news.
On Going Gently I have never bad mouthed my husband's behaviour in deciding to end our marriage
I get that people change and so do their wants and needs and emotions
I have hinted it that has been the way he initiated the split that was so disappointing and awful for me to deal with and I stand by those words now.
The way we split was truly awful to experience
He eventually got what he wanted, a new younger partner and a new, totally different  life style
And he rewrote a history in his head, in the same way his mother had done when she was divorced
A history that I always thought of as ongoing.

I pulled up papers from my box files , and arranged them neatly on the kitchen table.
Today I have planned to sort outstanding bills and statements and filing and already have penned a do do list on a simple square of wring paper
Each line with its own square box to be ticked off

My sister has just video called me by accident, she is crocheting me a new cushion cover for the yellow living room

The bulldogs were lying sleeping in their chair in the kitchen and I went upstairs , changed the bedding, had a bath and got changed into some proper clothes, then me and Mary slipped out, unnoticed by the front door and took a walk up the lane.

The sky is blue here in Trelawnyd but it's kind of cold and we walked up through the Churchyard and sat on the far bench not far from the grave of auntie Gladys's daughter
Tumbled thoughts from the past two years filled my mind until it felt like bursting but Mary as she has a want to to jumped up next to me and leant inwards as only Welsh terriers do and we both looked out over the livery stable fields where the ponies were trotting with their heads high and their nostrils flaring.
They looked, I thought,  like my pottery pony which stands proudly against the art wall in the kitchen
And with Mary as my only company

I had a long and final cry

134 comments:

  1. Hugs from South Wales , John , onward and upward. The future is yours, enjoy.
    Kathy xxxx

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  2. Love from Scotland xxx

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  3. Sending you love and hugs from Southern Spain. And I'll just say it: Amen and hallelujah. And god bless Mary (and you)!

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  4. Love and hugs from Essex John xx

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  5. It hurts. I have seen first hand the end of a twenty year old marriage and that one was messy. I admire your strength of character and send hugs x

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  6. While I don't really do hugs, you have my sympathy and empathy. There is no reason why an intellectual and a smart and savvy person like you couldn't connect, as you did for many years but really, it was an odd match in my mind and from what I read over the time you were together. To fall out of love must be hard. To be fallen out of love with must be crap.

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  7. I usually do give out hugs, and hella good ones, while we're at that. But right now, gotta give those elbow hugs, you know why...

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  9. ((( hugs ))) xx

    Take care my friend, you have come through this with a gentlemanly calmness and truly shown yourself for the good man you are. And now a new chapter can begin, fresh, unsullied and all yours.

    Go forward ... go gently. xx

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  10. Anonymous11:36 am

    I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt in believing that 'the final cry' was for the divorce and nothing more drastic. Onwards and most definitely upwards John. You have fought and survived an almighty battle and retained your dignity throughout, now you must not allow it to taint the rest of your life. Live, love and be happy - it's all we ask of you.
    Virtual hugs in these strange times.

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  11. hugs john. on some level it must be a relief to finally have it all behind you.

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  12. Such a relief that it has now been stamped and finished, An important and vital piece of paper, both technically and otherwise.

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  13. Maybe you could look at it as this imposed self isolation is the beginning of a new start and, when we all come out of this, it will clear the way for a new beginning for you and, hopefully, we will all have contemplated on things we could do better.
    A fresh, newly painted living room and a new and exciting start for you,
    Much love. XXXX

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  14. You have come through it with grace and dignity. Now, onwards!

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    Replies
    1. This is what I was going to say, veg artist, only you said it better. Love to you, John.

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  15. Bless you John. Sad, but must be a release of tension too. Can you feel the hugs from us all? xx

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  16. The sense of deflation is disappointing, but it means that you can finally breathe againa embrace the euphoria of living your life how you please. You now answer to nobody but your own conscience.

    (((HUGS)))

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    Replies
    1. PS I'll still kneecap the fucker if you ever change your mind x

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    2. Ha, someone after my own heart. I'll punch his lights out so that you can kneecap him, the absolute t**t!

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  17. I remember that myself as bringing a sense of relief...then onwards and upwards as they say.
    Big hugs x

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  18. Sending hugs John - there's a lot of us that have had that cry. He can have his new partner and lifestyle but you got the real things that matter - your home, your friends and the love of your animals. All that is worth far more.
    Love Moaning Mavis last comment xxx

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  19. Hugs (from a social distance), it is hard but you are strong and will be fine.
    Peter

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  20. You will feel sad, that's to be expected but you have behaved with dignity throughout, " This matter " Hugs from me xx

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  21. Hugs to you, John. You've been gracious and dignified

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  22. Perhaps that's the way to Be John-Wild and free as a Pony,well perhaps not Too wild xx

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  23. An official ending, yes, but more importantly, an official new beginning. Hugs to you, John.

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  24. Now, onward! The rest of your life is waiting. It's time. ❤

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  25. Congratulations?
    But mostly, like others, I want to send you many warm hugs. At least cyber hugs can be close up. Kinda.

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  26. I KNEW IT!

    now john, it's time for you to shine and just be the most fabulous person you can be! damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead!

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  27. Anonymous12:46 pm

    Love to you today John. Be kind to yourselfxx

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  28. Done and dusted....I know someday you will meet someone who will knock you off your feet. Thinking of you dear heart.

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  29. There.....as hard as this is, John, you will move forward and continue to share your wonderful spirit with us all. Take care.

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  30. Grief is hard but it is normal. Sending hugs my friend.

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  31. Cosy cuddles of comfort sent from me to you, JayGee. Only someone like you could express so well the profound emotions you very understandably feel. You have a veritable army of supporters ready and happy to support you. Go on well with your life, my very dear and precious friend.

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  32. Life goes on, you maybe become a little less trusting of others.
    But you survive to fight another day.

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  33. Sending a big hug, John x

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  34. You've come so far and you're not as alone as feel .... Chris is a tit.....I'm making a start on your cushion ..how big does it need to be ? Xx

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    1. I'm comming to Tesco she for the neighbours shoo, I will drop you the cushion off and will ring the bell and run

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    2. Ha ha :) ok better than getting a bucket of hot soapy water thrown over you.....it's what I'm threatening to do to Ned whenever he's been out xx

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  35. Anonymous1:39 pm

    Love and hugs to you dear John from North Wales. You will come through this and still be a great inspiration to all of us. There is a reason that your blog is the first one that so many of us go to every day. From Wendy & Tom xxx
    Wendy (Wales)

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  36. That piece of paper was not one you ever wanted or hoped to need. Sadly, it became necessary for your security and freedom, so I am glad it was finally given to you.
    Still being married could be likened to being made to wear a heavy and soiled bandage that bound you to what had caused your wounded heart.
    Now without that weight may you begin to more often see brighter and lighter parts along your path forward.- Mary

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  37. I send many virtual hugs and wish you a most happy future. I know you'll have it.

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  38. The pain you have experienced has been truly monumental. You have so much love to give, I hope from the bottom of my heart you find a man with the same copious loving qualities as you. The next chapter starts NOW! Best you not only pull up your bra straps but invest in a new Cross your Heart brassiere...

    BIG love

    LXX

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  39. You came through this hurt but with class and dignity. Think of all you have gained, John, during this hard time. Your friends have rallied around you and now you know how much you are loved and admired.

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  40. You're a class act, John Gray. With a heart like a bulldog's.

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  41. Today was always going to be difficult. Hugs and love. xx

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  43. John, I know exactly how you feel. It seems so easy for the one that leaves. It isn't. They are not learning anything we are. They tend to make the same mistakes.

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  44. I am sad for you , but i am also pleased that the legalities are finished , you have been brave and dignified and I salute you . Now you can look forward to what ever excitement is waiting for you .

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  45. I've been in your shoes John and it hurts like mad. Who are these people who pretend to be someone other than who they are? Onwards and upwards my friend. It takes time but I promise things do get better and the days when your ex does not even enter your head increase with time. After 28 years with my ex I thought I'd never get over it. Guess what I did and so will you! Hugs.

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  46. Hugs from Canada.x Lynne

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  47. The future lies ahead, the best is yet to come. Someone will be very lucky to meet you sometime in the future.

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  48. Degree Absolute was what I wanted and I still had a few tears.. 23 years of life ended I thought with a piece of paper.

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  49. No words, John...just my sympathy.

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  50. A difficult day for you. One day it won't hurt at all.

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  51. I'm sorry, John. May there be many better days ahead!

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  52. good. good for the final decree, good for the final cry. I don't think there is any good way to end a marriage. I think the party that wants out just doesn't know how to do it and the pressure builds until they just become assholes. in the end though, it's his loss.

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  53. keep moving forward. today you are no worse off than you were yesterrday

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  54. All I can think of is Gloria Gaynor, you will not only survive you will blossom, especially if you can skate!

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  55. You will feel much better for getting that out of your system and you have the advantage going forward you have dignity.

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  56. I hope that cry washed away any residual anxiety. Final is final and opens the way to new beginnings. Best wishes for a lovely future. Hugs.

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  57. Barbara Anne4:18 pm

    "There, there" she says, patting you gently on your back (from afar). "My grandma said, 'Tears show clear what the heart holds dear.' so you cry as you need to."

    It's good Mary was with you.

    I'm so glad the degree absolute finally, finally arrived so you are free at last.

    Big hugs!

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  58. Yorkshire Liz4:19 pm

    The key word here is 'final.' And by the very nature of this post, it's usual combination of bravery, honesty, humour and insight, we have no doubt as to who is the better man.
    Time to turn the page, sweetheart. You have so much of good and love in your life. Not just because it is just there, but because that is you, you have earnt it and deserve it. This is the end of one life, but not the end of the world, but the start of a new freedom and a new beginning. Onwards!

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  59. When I got my divorce decree, someone quoted a famous line to me: "Today is the first day of the rest of your life." You're free! You. Are. Free!

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  60. On the plus side, no more solicitors fees! Crying is good for you now and again so I hope you feel all the better for it. You've found a whole village to love you now and I know its not the same but I know you feel their love. Take good care. xx

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  61. Anonymous4:38 pm

    John, I admire you. Because from my comfy chair here in the US, you truly chose dignity and stayed grounded and centered. Continue to make those choices that are good for you; as difficult as it is, he made his. Now, calmly, confidently and in the way you have been, continue to make yours. Me and so many others around the world are cheering you on!! *He* should be so lucky......

    (Your friend in Virginia that has to work today)

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  62. Awww hugs buddy, losing a long relationship that way could be similar to having a partner die. You are grieving the lost relationship. Wishing you strength and good things to come.

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  63. John I have just had a caller - a friend out for her walk - she stood in the centre of the front lawn and we talked. She told me how she read you every day and how much she admired you - as we all do - for your dignity, your compassion, and the way you have dealt with the last couple of years. We love you dearly - never be ashamed to cry - it shows you have got feelings. Take care dear heart.

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  64. Congratulations on getting that final decree ... so sorry it takes so long there ... thank God it doesn't take so long in the States!
    Today was NOT your final cry ... my dear, you will cry again and again when something hits you just right [or wrong] in your heart and your mind and, yes, once again you will sob like a baby! Then you will tell yourself to "buck up and knock it off" and you will straighten up and carry on!
    Life goes on, sweetie ... life goes on! I've done it twice! Hugs from Colorado!!

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  65. I am so sorry for your pain and disappointment.

    love

    lizzy

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  66. It’s not over but it’s done.

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  67. Beautifully written John. You conveyed a sense of finality. And now - as you might say - tits out and onward! Tally-ho!

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  68. Love and hugs, John. You have come a long way and you are surrounded by good friends and faithful followers. I echo Yorkshire Pudding - onwards and upwards!

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  69. You are more needed in the World than he. x

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    1. Anonymous6:21 pm

      Nonsense ....your ex is a boring boofhead. All this reasonableness is doormat stuff. He needs young things to make himself feel alive and boost his flagging ego.Count yourself lucky to be rid of him. You deserve better. Dont waste your tears on him.Enjoy your lovely yellow room eat a fresh mango,sip a little something gorgeous and be grateful you're a good looking bloke,

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  70. One door closes, many more open, truly dignified for sure xxx only down the hill, Ealanor knows where we are, the very locked gates are open at all times xxx

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  71. I think you probably feel sadness for what could have been, but no matter how long it takes you will find TRUE love and the partner you deserve. Take care John.

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  72. Words seem a bit inadequate, but I'm relieved you can now go forward "officially". Cry when you need to, but I hope in time you'll feel joy in your new life. You're an amazing bloke and much loved by everyone here. xx

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  73. Another boundary crossed. Another door closed. A world opened.

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  74. Amazing how one day, and one document, change everything. Take a deep breath, and carry on. You are not alone. Hugs and love.

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  75. All my best wishes, John. I wish there didn't have to be such hurt in your life and I hope your release of emotion through crying helped you to take another step away from the hurt and toward a happier life again. You have an exceptional ability to express what you feel, and I'm sure that has helped you cope and hopefully will continue to do so. You have shown great dignity in the midst of all the pain. Take care my friend.

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  76. I wish your ex husband happiness in his new life - but not nearly as much as I wish for you.

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  77. I agree with the other John, you have shown great dignity through all of this. I hope Chris one day realises that you can’t just trade people in for a younger model or someone will think it’s ok to do the same to you. I truly wish you well, John. You are good man, with a kind heart and someone else will soon hopefully see you and think... now that is my stuff muffin as they used to say.... ��

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    Replies
    1. Possibly the bf shall do the same to him x

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  78. Your posts are extraordinarily strengthening to this reader and, I suspect, to your readers generally. Somehow they encapsulate, and enable us to tune into, the frame of mind, the determination and capacity for joy, that we all need to get through whatever we have to get through. Thank you and good luck in the new stage of your life.

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  79. Anonymous8:54 pm

    Sending you love and hugs from California.
    Cali G

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  80. Beaming you strength xxx Be well John.

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  81. Anonymous9:18 pm

    My heart goes out to you. Been there got the t shirt and still 15 years later trying to understand. Hold your head high and be kind to yourself. Big hugs. Wandax

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  82. Finally! The old door shuts and the new door opens. Crying is cathartic and very needed, apart from the snotty nose, red eyes and bloody headache that is. Glad Mary was there to hold you up. Right my friend, tits out onwards and upwards. You are free to do what you wish. Much love and hugs to you on this day; as others have said you are the first blog I read in the morning and the last one I read before I hit the sack. Your propensity to engage the feelings of people everywhere is the magic you have. Write the book!

    Jo in Auckland

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  83. sending you love and hugs xx

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  84. Anonymous9:25 pm

    :BIG HUG:

    Irene

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  85. I wish you only good things from now on, you deserve the best.

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  86. Huge massive (((HUG))). It gets better xxx

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  87. Cheers of encouragement to you. Onwards!
    Bonnie in Minneapolis

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  88. I think you've already moved on John - it's the realisation and finality of the letter spelling it out that's hit you. You've demonstrated resilience via your blog throughout the process and shown that you've created a new life. Sure, being single can be lonely, but you also have the opportunity to explore new experiences - you are and should continue to do so; you're not past it yet! You're a good guy John. All the best - P.

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  89. Andy T10:27 pm

    One chapter ends a new one will begin, all the very best John.

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  90. Hugs. It's difficult and sad but now you can put it behind you. There will be amazing days in your future John.

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  91. So many supportive comments
    Chin up
    Tits out
    March forward x

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  92. You have achieved so much since this all began and you have dealt with it with grace and dignity- so now it's onwards and upwards!

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  93. File the hurt along with the decree absolute. You have a gift for appreciating the beauty of this world. Let it move you forward.

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  94. Thinking of you John....writing is cathartic..get the book started. You are an amazing storyteller. xx

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  95. I'm sure this is a bittersweet time for you John. If it couldn't be fixed, then I'm happy to know, this final leg of the process is done and dusted. Allowing you to put those memories in a special place and peacefully create a new chapter.
    Thank you for all the wonderful blog posts you've shared with us over the years, we all love you dearly.
    ~Jo

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  96. Finally I must say a big thank you to you all
    It's been almost a two year journey this Easter when my husband admitted he was Unhappy....... and so many of you have put up with my moans and kvetching since then
    Thank you all

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  97. Oh yes, been there, after 30 years of marriage he left with someone half his age (lasted 6 months)
    A friend told me "this didn't happen To you.....It happened For you"
    I then started to realise how free I was and the future holds endless possibilities.
    You will hurt less in time.

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  98. John you are to be commended for not bad mouthing your ex, I have never understood why so many going through similar situations feel the need to do so. As others have said, you are truly a class act! No doubt it will take time but hopefully in the not too distant future you will be able to put all of the hurt behind you and, as with the scary times the world is dealing with, there will better days ahead.

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  99. Anonymous2:06 am

    I admire how you have handled all of this with grace and dignity while being torn up inside. My hope for you is that the scars will heal.

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  100. I'm glad you included the word "final" in your last sentence. I'm only sad that this took two long years to become official.

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  101. Love to you.

    That is all.

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  102. Nothing like a good cry to let it go.
    And the best companion ever to be for man.

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  103. Sending a virtual hug.

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  104. New horizons John. As sad as divorce always is, you must look ahead. Of course you must have a really good cry, but don't entertain regret; it will become destructive.

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  105. Anonymous8:00 am

    It wouldn't be me if l didn't add me tuppence-worth to this page.
    Glad it is all over for you now John.
    What a right old ding dong this has been for you and the kids.
    Karma will out though, that is all l want to say, together with my wonder and awe at your dignified approach to all this.
    If it was me l would have had to use this platform to let rip all those lurid secrets and tales we all know about our other half's and would have gleefully taken my revenge in this way!
    You certainly are the bigger person for holding it all in.
    Be happy,we all love you John.
    My lovely friend never met!
    Tess xx

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  106. Yes, "this matter" is a horribly dry way of referring to such a long and emotional part of your life.

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  107. This Matter... yes, for something so painful and intimate, such an Investment of your Life for so long... that alone was worth a good Cry! Anyone who can leave... was never tied to our Destiny. Virtual Hug, we all Love you!

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  108. Well it's his loss. You're a diamond of a man and we all know it.

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  110. flipped2:55 pm

    That would be luverly-eating a pastie with Dan whilst playing poker-my ying and yang will then hopefully be at one x

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  111. A last good cry, the very best thing. Its finally over and you can carry on enjoying all your blessings. Your dogs, family and lots and lots of good friends. Better times are ahead. And I do speak from experience. xx

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  112. Jean Shaw4:50 pm

    So many emotions, all at once . . . all the best to you.

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  113. A new chapter of your life has well and truly begun. Hoping it will bring new opportunities and that you will make lovely new memories.

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  114. (((HUGS))) John. That's a lot of history to draw a line under. You will be able to move on now though, which is no bad thing, though it probably feels like a sh*t thought right now. Thank heavens for understanding dogs at times like this.

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  119. Dear John

    A piece of paper giving a conclusion to a situation but please it does not represent your life those 20 years are part of who you were then, who you are now and who you are yet to be. In endings there are also new beginnings. It is okay to mourn the passing of a period in your life and to have a damn good cry. Whenever you want to. It is all part and parcel of the healing process I am very proud of you for maintaining your dignity your sense of humour and sorting out what you wanted, could feasibly have and going for it no matter how much effort it took and no matter that you could not always see the way out. I know at times it has not been easy or comfortable for you as you have had to deal with lots of things outside of your comfort zone and something you had not had any inkling of having to deal with. I am sad on one hand but so happy on another level for you. Dogs always give unconditional love no matter the situation. Now give yourself permission to live and be the person you should be. We all see your potential. Take care keep safe and happiness with yourself will come. Pattypan xx

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  120. Marriage restoration..Stop your marriage from breaking apart today. I lost my husband to another woman 2 weeks ago after 27 years of marriage . We had a lovely marriage but he started a relationship with a co worker who chased after him . He is living away near his work and her and refuses to talk to me or to come home . I am devastated and am finding it hard to cope . I wish I did not love him and that I could move on but I can't . I don't know how to stop feeling like this I wish I didn't as its eating me away and I m starting to feel ill. I have degraded myself begging him to come home all to no avail. I became very worried and needed help. As I was browsing through the internet one day, I came across a website that suggested that Chief Dr Lucky can help solve marital problems, restore broken relationships and so on. So, I felt I should give him a try. I contacted him and he did a spell for me. two days later, my husband came to me and apologized for the wrongs he did and promise never to do it again. Ever since then, everything has returned back to normal. I and my family are living together happily again.. All thanks to Chief Dr Lucky. If you need a spell caster that can cast a spell that truly works, I suggest you contact him. He will not disappoint you. if you have any problem contact him, I give you 100% guarantee that he will help you, This is his details,Email him at: Chiefdrlucky@gmail.com you can also call him or add him on Whats-app: +2348132777335 Website :  http://chiefdrluckysolutionhome.website2.me/

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