Dinosaurs

 The cheerful engineer turned up at 9 am ( I thought today was Monday so forgot he was coming)

I was still in my dinosaur nightware. He was here for three hours photographing and drilling , followed by the Welsh, he said his 6 year old son liked dinosaurs but mentioned it without irony, which I was grateful for. 

I hope the solar panels will be worth it. As he was leaving we heard a crackling in the electrical circuit and he chirped up better get that sorted quicksticks!

I turned off the power

And so the emergency team is on its way! 

Don’t they know I m supposed to be resting? 

Trendy Carol collected the dogs and Mandy and John from next door made tea and provided psychological support

I’ve forgotton to change my T shirt in the hurry to clean the cat litter, which as fate would expect, was suddenly overflowing with excrement 

The cottage smells like a dung heap.

The electricity board had texted to say they will be 20 minutes away 

Shit they’re here

Swedish Death Cleaning and using words

 I have tons of clerical work to do for college

And so yesterday I cleaned the kitchen proper.

The pockets of clutter remain, as you can see

The little jug with the yellow tulips underline “my look” 

I like the little detail.

Today I listened to Women’s Hour. The subject was decluttering and I found the discussion by the guest psychologist fascinating. He talked about the importance of differentiating between sentimental attachment and nostalgic attachment with items we own. It’s an important distinction to make , especially for hoarders . 

The discussion about Swedish Death Cleaning was equally interesting. It’s a well known phenomenon in Scandinavia , where older people get rid of clutter and collections before they die, thus freeing up their chore for the ones they leave behind. 

I like this

I have an urge to put stickers behind paintings and under jugs with loved one’s names on them.

Gifts I want certain people to have after I’ve gone.

It’s a variant on the Death Cleaning thing.

My ex husband emailed me last week . I found the message yesterday but couldn’t open it in my junk folder, but the first line was readable as no title had been added. It simply said Hello John, I’ve heard you’ve not been well, just wishing….. 

A kind thing for sure but I found his careful wording interesting. By saying heard rather than read, he was underlining a more passive role in the receiving of the news .

Perhaps that in itself is another kindness

I wasn’t upset by the message, it was workmanlike and polite  

It was what it was

I think I will go to the cinema today, there is not much on in the art house cinemas in Chester so I may go multiplex instead

lol, anything but get down with the clerical work ……..

Helen Sjöholm

 

I sit at the kitchen table a lot. 

Here I read, write, explore the internet and think.

If the weather is fine and the yappy dogs silent in their nasty new build house beyond the garden wall, the back door is open to the sound of birdsong, the arguing of the sparrows and the caws from the rooks over the glebe to the East.

I’ve suffered the barking earlier, but it’s 11am now, and it’s peaceful 

I won’t talk to anyone today. 

Why would I ? It’s Easter Sunday, but I found this wonderful musical interlude, by the Swedish singer Helen Sjöholm and her support singers

I turned it up full blast and let their voices fill the cottage and Churchyard beyond my garden

Missing Happiness

 

Mary in 2018

We miss so much.

In our busy lives.

I wasn’t still until 7 pm last night

That was 10 hours in motion,

From dragging my sorry arse out of under a wonderfully warm duvet 

To porridge for breakfast 

And the 2 hour search for a piece of leather wrapped around three plastic cards.

Today it’s Cate Blanchet and her Radio 4 debut The Fever,

I switched it off sick of her voice, an hour wasted on a so called worthy cause

It’s cold and I find a jumper. 

Paperwork pilled up on the kitchen table awaiting sorting

Tomorrow I say

No good films on in the cinemas,

It’s a children biased weekend

Hetero normal/ family time

At seven pm last night I looked at Mary’s face as I itched that bilateral dimple behind each ear. 

I used my left hand, my thump and forefinger encircling her head deftly

And she closed her eyes, 

And looked blissful

Totally blissful

Roger was asleep next to her, the twins creeping around the room like bandits’ shadows beyond

But for that moment I watched that little dog’s old face

And her vague smile

And I realised that she and I were truly happy

Wallet In The Freezer

 I’ve never liked Good Friday, both as a child and as an adult.

As a child it was too many chocolate eggs and shit television.

As an adult it is a lacklustre bank holiday weekend, often worked.

Today it’s cold and wet

And the cottage looks like the wreck of the Hesperus.

The reason for the disarray is that my wallet and car keys went missing.

Two hours of searching isolated nothing more than the dirty pair of undies under the bed and a mummified  baby mouse behind the armchair.

I eventually found the wallet and keys frozen solid in a carrier bag with some pork chops in the freezer and spent an uncomfortable half hour in Sainsburys thawing out my debit and nectar card under my armpit before paying for cat litter

The day has been a bust so far, so I bought myself a bunch of flowers to make myself feel better and shouted at the neighbour when I got home for bellowing at one of his yappy dogs 

Talk about transference..I’m making a beef stew

Happy Easter 

Mrs Trellis wins the day

 I’ve seen clients today ( don’t worry I’ve rested my arm) and got home to an Easter Egg wrapped carefully in tissue paper. 

The accompanying card and letter was from Mrs Trellis who thanked me for the amaryllis plant I had given her last Christmas.

( I actually gave her the plant at Christmas 2023 but whose counting) 

Plans

 My GP was thorough and respectful. He had also done his homework and asked me outright if I was concerned that my arm weakness was related to a motor Neurone Cause. Somewhere in my notes must have been documented with the fact that my brother Andrew had died from the disease.

He told me that it was unlikely.

Another batch of tests and referrals were made, as I sat there and he told me that he wanted me to rest, and signed me off work for two weeks . 

Mentally I have already filled the time constructively, with paperwork, books and sleep

The morning shot by. 

I walked the dogs, picked up a prescription , saw my sisters and had supervision

The afternoon shot by

I bought a steak from Marks & Spencers as a treat, and lit the fire just before 5pm 

I feel better because I have a plan of action. I always teach worried patients and their families this simple initiative. 

Find out the facts and formulate a plan

This processes the problem from problem to solution 

It’s a simple and effective way of reducing stress

I can’t brush my teeth with my right hand without moving my head my muscle weakness is fickle and irritatingly particular.

The Kindness of Strangers

 It won’t surprise you that I’ve been a bit stressed and sad recently

But I have been buoyed by kindnesses, messages and emails and concern which is touching

Today a watercolour of Winnie was delivered

I was just leaving the house to go for a diabetic eye test ( harrumph) 

And it truly made my day

Thank you Donna

Thank you all