You Were Never Really Here

The Scottish film maker Lynne Ramsey has produced a violent and nightmare world in her latest feature You Were Never Really Here. It is a world inhabited by Joe ( Joaquin Phoenix) a traumatised veteran haunted by the fleeting memories of childhood abuse and sickening battle field trauma. He is a lumpy , pain filled mess of a man who earns his daily bread by being a hired gun, a hit man, a killer, but he is a killer who comes home to an elderly frail mother ( nicely played by Judith Roberts) a relationship of his  which has retained its warmth and humanity.
Joe has a death wish. We glimpse his inner pain through little moments of despair, a look over the high rail of a railway station, a revisited childhood moment in a closet where a plastic bag over the head shuts out his father's wrath, but the bond with his mother keeps him going, until his latest " hit" drags him into the dark world of child prostitution.
He is hired by a local senator ( Alex Manette) to retrieve his fifteen year old daughter Nina( Ekaterina  Sansonov)from a high class brothel and in the bloodbath that ensues, Joe has a chance for some sort of redemption amid the chaos.
This is a very violent and disturbing film which under Ramsey's flair for storytelling is at times an overwhelming bit of cinema. The cinematography drags you into Joe's haunted world where a sudden sound drags him back into childhood violence or a stranger on the street suddenly morphs into a terrified refugee. After one particularly bloody shoot out Joe lies down next to a dying assassin and holding hands they whisper the words of the song I've never been to me which is playing on the radio.
It's a surreal but terribly poignant little scene the likes of which are peppered unexpectedly throughout the film
Phoenix is impressive as Joe. He dominates the screen time with his overwhelming sadness and when at last there is a small glimmer of hope for him, he breaks your heart with his subtle, pained performance.
This film is not for the faint hearted, but it's worth a look if you are in the mood .9/10

Like Gypsies In The Night

The Prof is away writing for 5 days and I am left to my own devices.
Fat club this morning then lunch with a friend ( home made bread and cheese) - I gave up trying to calculate the points after the first glorious bite !
I was late to lunch because I was talking to a dear friend in a layby off the A55
I say talking........I was actually just listening.
Listening to just how awful chemotherapy can be.
The nurse and friend in me just wanted to hug the pain away but that would not validate just how awful the experience was for my friend to experience.
Listening to each sad, nauseating moment was the order of the day.
The experience needed validation and the description was every bit as poisonous as the toxic chemicals pumped into his body.

No Roots came in the radio after the call had finished..the conversation and song now intertwined forever

Birthday

It's the Prof's birthday today,
and as usual he's got the 7 am train to work.
There is a small pile of cards on the bookcase in the living room awaiting his return and later we are having an Indonesian meal out to mark the day.
It's not my place to let you all know just how many he has celebrated over the years.
Suffice to say that it's the 18th of his birthdays  we have marked together
A great deal of water has flowed under a large number of bridges over that time.
I hope there are many more bridges to negiotiate before we finally reach the sea.

Georges Bizet: L'Arlésienne-Suite - Farandole

This piece of music reminds me of Trelawnyd, more than any other I can think of.
Wherever I am in the future, it always will, for in my mind it is the musical accompaniment to a "cinematic" moment ten years ago that lifted the heart more than any other.

We were fairly new to the village then, and in conjunction with an event my sister had planned, I had organised my first allotment open day for charity.
It was a small affair, and certainly wasn't as robust as my later, larger events, but my vegetable beds had been tidied up within inches of their lives, cakes and tea had been prepared and flyers had been circulated around the village with a typical anxiety that centred around the worry that no one would turn up.

I'd arranged for the open evening to start at 6pm, and minutes before time I remember standing by the field gate in a sudden downpour of summer rain.
I know I felt distraught and upset as I couldn't then imagine anyone turning up when the grass was sodden and the skies were slate grey.

When I remember this moment, the Farandole's uplifting violins suddenly enter my psychi. The music echos my feelings at the time as when I walked up the lane to look towards the Church in the hopeful expectation of seeing at least one local turning up to my event , my heart leaped as suddenly I spied a long and steady stream of villagers, led by Auntie Glad (under a massive umbrella), all marching down the lane towards me.
The music now accompanies that cinematic moment in the film clip of my memory.
And I smile gently  as I remember it.

A Thought On The Way Home

I haven't heard the word cahoots for an absolute age! 

Baking Day

I haven't got the car today, so I've decided it's going to be a baking day.
Mary and I collected eggs from Eirlys's farm from The Marian and soon I shall be making chicken and leek pie, a meat and potato pie, banana loaves and custard tarts.
Eirlys kept me talking as did the old miner in the corner house by the garage.
He always asks me the same question
"How's your friend, keeping well?" 
" My husband is fine" I always reply

In one way baking is diversionary  tactics from the sweat fest that is moving old Trevor's collection of wood onto the field bonfire ( a job I'll have to do tomorrow), but in another way its therapy.
Baking is a sweet mindful activity.
It clears the mind of bad thoughts.

Trendy Carol (in designer jeans, bright training shoes and bright hipster jacket) was out when we returned with our eggs. I see she  has a new outdoor sofa literally smothered in cushions...I forgot to tell her it's longer than the width of our cottage.

I'll post pie photos later
Hey ho

I ran out of plain flour so had to use gluten free flour for the meat and potato pie

( which looks shite) 

I've yet to make the custard as neighbour Trevor has just caught me

A Moment Of High Drama

Have you ever witnessed a moment of high drama?
Something that lingers long in your mind.
Something that touches your soul.
I was flicking through YouTube yesterday and stopped briefly at a moment on the Netflix production of The Queen. 
It was a clip where the new and grieving Queen Elizabeth (Claire Foy)meets her grandmother The Queen Mary (Eileen Atkins) for the very first time since the death of George VI
It's a wonderfully dramatic moment where the old Queen curtseys to the new.
It's a scene that gives you goose pimples.

The video reminded me of a nursing moment, years ago when I witnessed an estranged daughter entered the side room of her dying father.
The daughter had not seen her father for I think forty years and had been asked to come to her father's bedside by other family members. I knew nothing of the fall out but I remember that the air was almost electric as the daughter walked into the room and the other family members all stood as she did so.
The daughter looked at her father and knelt at the side of the bed like a child saying her prayers and as she lowered her head to cry her father rested his hand onto the top of her head in a gesture of forgiveness.
Nothing was said, but everyone seemed to be weeping
And I remember exiting the room like a ghost with my eyes to the floor

Colour and picnic

Today is overcast and cooler than yesterday. Yesterday the dogs and I spent all afternoon in the front garden in glorious sunshine.
Our front garden faces South and absorbs the warmth in seconds of the sun coming out.
Winnie, William and George slept as I weeded the beds and Mary watched an exhausted pair of blackbirds scoot back and forth from their almost completed nest in the Holly.
Slowly the colour is edging back into the garden. The mock orange is starting to blossom , the white bells, aubrietia, tulips and grape hyacinth are all flowering as is the delicate blue clematis on its frame by the wall.
The cottage in spring looks rather pretty I've always thought.

I've made a picnic lunch. Cheese and pickle sandwiches robust in silver foil, tuna mayonnaise sandwiches ( with a squirt of lemon), - slightly more refined with the crusts cut off. Asparagus cooked in butter with garlic and sea salt with tiny cherry tomatoes and fresh fruit salad.
I would have prepared coffee but the thermos is broken.

What are you doing today?