Sewing Bee

Patrick Grant and another less interesting judge..he's lovely

You have to hand it to the BBC,for when they find a formula that works well, they clap their hands with glee and repeat the idea to death.

As most readers here may remember I am a firm fan of the achingly middle class The Great British Bake Off . For those that don't know, this TV competition pits a group of amateur bakers against each other over a whole host of baking challenges while nice judge ( Mary Berry) and sexy hard judge ( Paul Hollywood) look on.

Last night I watched The Great British Sewing Bee ...a fact that may surprise most of you, seeing that my dress sense could only be described as being "beyond help" The Great British Sewing Bee is Bake Off with clothes instead of sticky buns. The format, the pace, the competition, the type of presenter and even the incidental music is exactly the same...and to me, who couldn't give a flying fart about home made duds, I found the whole thing rather fascinating.

Of course the competitors have all been hand picked to make for partisan viewing. 80 year old Ann ( a yoga loving fit as a flea granny) ,Lauren ( a beautiful young Scot who cried a bit), bit of rough Sandra, and wisecracking  gay Queen Stuart all agonised over their home made girls' frock with suitable emotion as professional judges and mad as a box of frogs Claudia Winkleman looked on....

Judge , the Saville Row designer Patrick Grant, with his trendy Edward VII looks did it for me......

I am seriously thinking of changing my image........

Yeah right!

Link   http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0165nj8

Check it out...even if you couldn't be arsed about sewing.... The whole thing makes for an interesting study of skills that have almost disappeared from normal everyday life.

Would a bow tie suit me?

Gay Ducks, touching up bosoms and other jobs

A few years ago I remember a news story coming out that discussed the possibility that Sesame Street's Bert & Ernie were in fact a gay couple.
Now it never crossed my mind that this odd couple..could be.....well.....a couple....that was silly gay bullshit......(although I always had my suspicions about Big Bird......he was always too much of a big girl's blouse for my liking.)
Anyhow I digress.
My own Bert and Ernie ( remember the ducks that came from the boy with the head injury?) have surprised me somewhat and have  come over all gay during this brief burst of nice weather. With the testosterone filled drake Halleh in tow , they have settled themselves down in a tight knit bachelor group of three , but Whereas Halleh will pop over to female group consistently throughout the day ( for some sneaky duck sex) Bert and Ernie will spend their time making "goo-goo" eyes at each other in the long grass, and on several occasions I have caught them behind the goose house indulging in full "drake on drake action........"
Hey ho....the chances of ducklings this year has just been reduced by two thirds!

Halleh ((left) Bert & Ernie singing hits from the shows

The weather has been glorious today, and so I have worked hard catching up with jobs The first of Bosom' new veg beds has been raked and prepared ( bottom photo)

As the animals enjoyed the sun for the first proper time this year

I took a few photos as I worked.

It's nice to be warm!

As the dogs galloped in silly circles around the field

William and Bingley facing each other off

I

A Night Out In Trelawnyd

Last night I met up with affable despot Jason for the quiz at the Crown.
I got there a little early so did what I don't usually do, I sat at the bar with a beer and joined the " regulars" including the RFWF's sons  in a bit of good natured chat....
God knows just what they thought, as during the banter ,I ( and obviously they )kept getting huge whiffs of poo wafting away from my pants............
message to self.........
Don't ever sit on a pub barstool with forgotten plastic bags of dog poo shoved into your pockets......
Thank goodness I Sussed the problem early on in the evening.

Anyhow in the end our quiz team of six won the grand total of six quid, and it was nice to have the opportunity to meet up with a few fellow villagers....the pub is one of the last places in Trelawnyd that locals can meet up together.....

Having said this, I need to big up another social evening event that is coming to the village soon. Jason, who is a self proclaimed " Jack The Ripper freak" , has arranged a sort of " Ripper Night" at the Memorial Hall on SATURDAY 18th of MAY.
Now the night is not a fancy dress theme night with the likes of Mrs Trellis vamping it up as a cockney tart( " I'm a good girl I am") down Chapel Street....it is a serious, forensic review of the murders by a former police detective , tv presenter and writer Trevor Marriott and I think the whole evening will be a fascinating alternative to the humdrum and the ordinary.
( tickets are  £12 each [£10 concessions]....no children)

Off to sort out the allotment now, seeing that the weather seems to be dry

I will blog an update on the new ducks later

They seem to be gay!

Calm Down Dear!

" Are you ok now? "

 This morning I could have ripped off the face from a smiling Nun

Not that I actually would have done

You don't see many grinning nuns in Trelawnyd

I had a shitty night shift. It was , long and busy and frustrating because my patient's condition deteriorated  over the thirteen hours I watched over him and when I got home all I wanted to do was to lay down in a darkened room with a damp face flannel over my face.

But the birds needed sorting, the dogs needed walking and Chris needed taking to the station as he is working in London for a couple of days..so the face flannel had to wait 

My irrational anger levels were sublimated somewhat by an emergency scotch egg, bought in Marks and Spencer .....I had to wait an age for the self service till to be available...so ate my eggs in the queue daring the overly cheerful supervisor to say something.....

She didn't

I would have ripped her face off if she had.

Such is the irrational nature of over tiredness .

The dogs understand these unfortunate yet short lived moods of mine all too well. They sit quiet and still until the storm passes, and will watch my face constantly for the signs of normality to return

Only then will they seek me out and demand their canine demands of the day.

It generally doesn't take long

"Just Passing Through"

It's been a funny week all told.
Now when I say funny.....I actually mean its all been  a bit strange as well as slightly humorous

A workman in desperate need of some toilet paper.
A hormone filled cockerel attack.
An old friend who is now shagging a baby faced ex con.

I do try to look at the funny side of the day when I can
Perhaps I am an optimist........but on reflection
I think I am just like the majority of us who need and search for positivism
I am drawn to people and events that possess a positive energy, a warmth and a humour.
Warmth and humour are things we can feed upon.
They are essentially good things.

A day or so ago, I defrosted some of number 12's Belly pork. The meat is encased in huge layers of fat that crisp up beautifully when roasted, and even though that the meat tastes ( in my mind) lovely...it is, I suppose, a ticking time bomb for the old arteries....I had a large strip of meat left untouched, and so I wrapped it up and popped over to Auntie Glad to see if she wanted it for her tea.
Of Course she did, in fact she giggled that she loved pork " the fattier the better" and it was then when I realised just why I touch base with her and with others like her on such a regular basis.
Positivism, essential good humour and a good energy like I said   is the stuff of life....it feeds you.

Before I left, Gladys informed me that she was off to a nearby seaside hotel for a weeks holiday...
She laughed when she told me, that the break was only some 25 miles west of Trelawnyd......
" at my age...off on holiday..whatever next"
" I hope you have a lovely time" I said?. And her reply , I think sums up all of this positive engery I have just been banging on about
" oh I will." She laughed in her sing song voice as she waved vaguely in my direction....." We have to.....after  all we are all just PASSING THROUGH  are we not?"

Beep....Beep!

I am planning an overdue visit to my old hometown of Sheffield.
It's been far too long since I touched base with the old steel City and I have missed my old friends...John ( a Zara wearing old Queen) , Jane ( a cheerful earth mother) and mike ( an easy going old fart)...so very much.
Chris is treating me to a nice hotel room and the date has been set for May the first, so all I had to do is to galvanise the groups, so to speak and turn up.
It will be lovely to see them all again.
Texting is an ideal medium to organise a reunion.
A few choice words and " beep beep!" Job's done
Yesterday, I contacted my three main friends and in a fit of excitement made a few more texts to other old Sheffield  friends that I have not caught up with for a few years now...... Seeing that I have a whole day to "catch up" with old friends.... I thought that I could stagger a few reunions over a late lunch or an early dinner so to speak.
One old friend I sent the "generic..meet me" text to got back to me almost immediately. The last time I saw her, she was a harassed wife and mother, who lived a quiet surburban life of school runs, part time nursing shifts and occasional depression.
Now things appear somewhat different........
Our Text Conservation went as follows.......
ME: "......so I can't wait to see you......I cannot believe that we last met up five years ago....what's new?"
HER: " Left my husband, living in a rented house.......share the kids, they all have their problems and life is a struggle at times but bugger it.......I've had a gastric bypass, lost 8 stone, dyed my hair purple, had several piercings and now shagging a 22 year old ex cage fighter who has put me in debt.... But hey ho" ( now you know where I got the catchphrase hey ho from!) ...." If you can't have a midlife crisis at my age when can you have it?!...............
I will tell you all the mucky details when I see you. X.......what's your news BTW?"

ME: ( wracking my brain) " I think I have gout in my right big toe"

HEY HO

Sheffield City Centre

The Toilet Paper Saga

Our old back door had taken a battering over the years. Seven dogs, two cats and wood rot has left it looking like the doorway  to the Hillbilly's cabin from Deliverance , so in the sake of security and marital harmony we got a little man in to replace it

The delightful and much missed Constance giving the old door a hammering

The workman arrived around 8.30 am just as I returned from night shift. He got on with the work without drinking copious amounts of tea and coffee, which impressed me, and soon was gouging out lock holes,assembling windows and shaving wood as I walked the dogs and sorted the animals out.

When I returned he asked me if he could use" the facilities"  and without thinking I showed him the bathroom before realising that I had not checked it.

All civilised people should check their bathroom before anyone uses it

It stops all of those embarrassing moments when the odd "floater" is located down the pan.

The workman was upstairs for an absolute age, and when he returned all he said as he got stuck in fixing up the new cat flap, was a rather sullen " you have run out of toilet paper"

I realised that I had made the most embarrassing faux pax.

There was not a sheet of bog roll to be found in the house

I had visions of the poor man rifling his pockets for a stray handkerchief or even a shop receipt to " ensure the " necessary deed" was done so to speak but like all social interactions we have with strangers , the two of us couldn't bring ourselves to acknowledge the fact that acceptable bum wiping could not be carried out......

I hurried up to the shop , bought some toilet paper and treated him to a packet of chocolate biscuits in way of an apology......

Hey ho

The new door complete with cat flap

"I Am Watching You"

My scratches and bruises may have faded somewhat

But I have not forgotten Eric, the hormonal cockerel's attack of 48 hours ago.

I got home after work this morning and gave the little bastard my best DeNiro " I am watching You"

gesture as he emerged full of chutzpah from his coop.

Hell has no fury as an middle aged homosexual scorned.

Mark my words

It WON'T happen again.

He didn't seem to pick up on my non verbals

I think this one off testosterone victory has gone to his head.

Anyhow

The cottage seems to be in disarray this morning. A workman is busy fitting a new back door.

as all three dogs watch him with shivering terrier excitement 

The kitchen is full of dirt, wood shavings and wet tools

It is raining heavily, the first time since we had the snow

And everything's a mess

I need to clean the cottage as Chris has invited Mrs Trellis to dinner this evening

And I haven't even bleached the toilet as yet

I need a scotch Egg

Bring it on short arse!