Keeping busy & Jim will fix it.

Half the allotment has now been completed, and it has been a beautiful day to be working outside. I am fed up at feeling miserable, so have been incredibly busy digging and washing, doing the weekly shop ,walking the dogs and planting bulbs and plants. Grief is a bastard of thing as it creeps up on you and suddenly something small catches you unawares!-laying you lower than you ever thought possible. This morning I went to feed the chickens and removed the corn feed from my storage place on the floor of the back seat of the car (it is safer being there as the mice can't reach it) As I did so I noticed tiny pieces of tissue on the back seat where I had cleaned the car after Finlay peed on it on his return journey from the animal hospital a weeks or so ago. Chris and I laughed at it at the time as we were just grateful just to have him coming home! just remembering that small thing was enough to set me off.

People have been very kind over the last day or so. Flowers and cards and phone calls and texts all have been gratefully recieved, but I know it sounds a bit odd but I am not really up to chatting at the moment. I hope that people understand.



Last week I bought tickets for a comedy performance by Laurence Clark entitled - JIM FIXED IT FOR ME, which is at Theatre Clwyd. Chris said he hates stand up comedy so Carole stepped in to go. Didn't feel up for it really but felt as though I needed to go out.

Laurence Clark was, it turned out, to be excellent. A cerebral palsy sufferer,Dr Who fanatic and a Jimmy Savile survivor, his humour was very "spinal injury-ish" and therefore very comforting to me. He was also a very attractive charismatic performer! Carole and I had a nice evening and was a bit naughty (in a fatfinder points type of way) as we stopped off at Trelawnyd's Crown Inn for a couple of pints on the way home. The house seems very quiet without Fin when I walked in, Meg seems to have assumed control of the pack now, even though she is still very much a adolescent, and she bounced around in greeting.

Thursday

When a pet dies interested on lookers either "get" your grief or they don't, I guess it is the simple difference between pet owners and non pet owners. Grief is a concept we all understand, that is plain and simple. But grief over a dog, only a pet owner can truly appreciate. Its just the way of things.

(RIGHT: Chris found this pic of Fin and I on his computer and e mailed it me this morning)

Got up far too early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so did what all middle aged gay men do at difficult times.......I cleaned the house from top to bottom. Finished around 8am and fell asleep under our glorious 1940 eiderdown on the bed. Meg was fast asleep next to me when I awoke, not in any Anthropomorphic supportive type way, but in a needy "I know something is wrong and I have to be reassured-way." We all went to the beach as usual, and of course it felt dreadfully wrong to have three dogs and not four, and there and then the grief hits you, like a bolt out of the blue. It has been like this all day.

The weather was dreadful today but I did manage to plant some violas and aqualegia on Fin's grave. Lost another pound too (total weight loss 10.5lbs) after the weigh-in at Fatfighters this afternoon, which I think was a miracle after drinking most of a bottle of wine last night and chomping half a tube of pringles!!!. Sat through the "inspirational" chat afterwards, but I didn't really listen. A shitty day all round.

Chasing Cars

When I listen to the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol I will always think of what happened today and of Finlay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxXwIIBlSgw

Its melancholy tones were playing on the car radio when I took Fin to the animal hospital ten days ago,and again when I went to collect him and strangely enough it was playing when I took him to the hospital again today. Bizarre the things you notice at times like these, isn't it?.

I wasn't really surprised when the local vet called me at lunchtime and said that after rallying a little, Fin had started to fit and after sedating him she wanted me to take him to the hospital for further investigations. It seemed his last chance and I steeled myself for some bad news which of course was given to me in a no nonsense but pragmatically helpful way. The consultant MRI scanned him for a fraction of the normal costing and diagnosed Fin with a huge left sided brain tumour and cerebral bleed.

I was so grateful to her and her professional approach when she rang us up with the news. She made the decision to let Fin go easier than I ever thought possible.

He was wrapped in a child's cot blanket and looked asleep when I drove the thirty odd miles to pick him up, and I only really "wobbled" after I lay him down in the front seat, where he always curled up on our daily car trips. I cried the whole of the long journey home, then went into nurse mode when I saw Chris, who had dug Fin's grave with Janet and Ned in the front garden.
We buried Fin with my favourite picture of him with his date of birth and name written on its reverse ( in a little airtight tin) I know it sounds daft, but it made me feel a little better doing it. I cannot believe he was only 4 years old.....................
I've lost my boy..............

Another trip to the vets

I can't believe it........ Finlay has deteriorated overnight and seems to be almost back to his condition of ten days ago. With weakness on his right side,vomiting, symptoms of listlessness and the shakes, he still had enough about him to climb up the stairs this morning and sneak into the bed with me, but I was having non of it and immediately took him to the vet at Caerwys. She said his weakness wasn't as bad as it was, but put him on a drip just to make sure he wasn't dehydrated and decieded to keep him in until she discussed things with the animal hospital. They have been slow at posting through information so I have become an owner- from -Hell and chased everything up myself, including pushing the nurses to get the consultant to liaise with the vet here to direct further care. The "nurses" at the local practice are caring but I must admit when she cheerfully told me that Fin was barking at an Alsatian rather than to discuss specifics of his care I did get rather brusque and pulled nurse rank on her which I never normally do.

Anyhow the upshot is that he has an"atypical" presentation (which means that they are not sure what the hell is going on) and has a low temperature and problems with tissue perfusion as well as hypersensitivity around his face and neck. It sounds like something neuro with some sort of sepsis but who knows, all I know is that we are here all over again. Chris is in London today and tomorrow, which is makes things feel a lot worse. At least the vet has just given him some morphine and says he is settled and comfortable, they are keeping him there tonight.

All I keep thinking of is Kipling's poem The Power of A Dog http://www-hsc.usc.edu/~rneville/dogpoem3.html

"..............Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?"

(pic of Fin,taken with Chris' phone on Sunday)

Enough said!

Found this on a New York Blog site..............made me laugh

A gem in Brooklyn and a blizzard hits

“A Tree Grows in Brooklyn” is not one of those films I have ever seen on tv in an afternoon , so trolling through ebay the other night, I was excited at finding a copy for peanuts. So on break at work, I set my laptop up and watched it.
It is a little gem of a film that relates the trials and tribulations of the Nolans, a turn-of –the-century Brooklyn tenement family. The father (James Dunn) is a charming drunk who dreams his life away, whist the mother (Dorothy McGuire) is the true backbone of the family, who holds everyone together against every crisis and hardship. Director Elia Kazan’s film reinforces the power of women, family and home to a needy American audience at the end of World War Two, and does so quite beautifully…………helped, of course, by a strong cast of women,namely McGuire, the fabulous Joan Blondell as Aunt Sissy and talented Peggy Ann Garner as the delicate Francie Nolan.

This afternoon the cold snap is well and truly here! so it is lovely to be sat in front of the fire watching Sunday films. Aunt Judy is coming for dinner later, which is nice in a way, seeing that it is Mothering Sunday http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother, but I am slightly miffed as the weather has put pay to my clearing of the allotment for a couple of days

Changing your life , "Becoming Jane." and an interesting Gay blog

My back is creaking slightly after several hours on the allotment this morning. The weather was glorious but cold, very cold and the "mass grave" has been extended to fill almost half of my first planned plot. Hopefully I will complete the work tomorrow then get the rotavator out to mulch in Pippa's well rotted manure, thank God that Chris has a ready made shit factory

Fin is officially back to normal after his near death experience only 7 days ago! and has been bouncing around like a mad alec when I was trying to be supportive on the phone to a friend this morning. I have two friends that are both about to change one major aspect of their life is a fairly drastic way. One is planning to move from their home city after fifteen years or so ; the other is leaving a job they hated after 18 years. It was the latter that was having a "wobble" of confidence this morning and I hope I was the supportive voice on the end of the phone that they needed!
Both friends ,I feel are definitely doing the right thing, and although I am biased as I did the BIG LIFE change in 2005, I genuinely support them. I think that there is a potential for some people to be be paralysed into not trying something new when that is exactly what they need to do. You are a long time dead as they say..... When I finally decided to leave nurse management and a city which I loved to embark on the country life, I needed people to believe in my decision and to support it as I knew it was the right thing for me and Chris to try . So to these two friends, all I can say is "way to go!"

Becoming Jane (2007) is an interesting but unsatisfying story of Jane Austin's early life and loves. Although quite beautifull I just did not warm to Anne Hathaway's Jane, and warmth was something missing from the film I think. Filmed in the tones of muddy green and brown of an English winter, the cinematography echoed this absence of light and humour seen in say Sense and Sensibility (1995) and Pride & Prejudice (2005), but I guess the story of Jane herself should reflect the reality of her life rather than the romance of her novels! and that it did. I was just a little disappointed by it. Praise goes to James McAvoy, who was excellent as the smitten Tom Lefroy and the understated Laurence Fox as Jane's first and rather misunderstood suitor.

Had the biggest laugh of 2007 on the way to Llandudno as Janet regaled Chris and I with some of the quotes from a novel she is reading. The heroine of which,when she refused to take part in a certain activity stated bluntly

"I would rather pin my labia to an ant hill!"

The statement took us very much by surprise and I very nearly crashed the car on the A55 when Janet recalled it with a knockout deadpan delivery.

Found an interesting gay themed blog the other day that celebrates gay men and their contribution to the arts, makes fascinating and inteligent reading

http://gayfortoday.blogspot.com/

enjoy

"...all taken away" and total weight lost is 9.5 lbs

Another day another poorly dog! This time Meg is feeling rather out of sorts after being spayed this afternoon, and bless she looks sore and uncomfortable but unlike Finlay she doesn't play on it at all. Toileting duties have been somewhat complicated as George still hasn't done walking on pavements yet and Meg needs a slow and gentle time out. Hey ho.

Carole and I went to fatfighters earlier and I was pleased to have lost another 3 lbs this week so that is a total of 9.5 in two weeks! Perhaps I will be looking more like what I want to and less like John Thompson! watch this space................