Crap day

It is 10 to 1 (am) on Friday morning, I cannot sleep and I can honestly say that today has been the worst I have experienced in years.Finlay became more a more lethargic over the day, and suspecting something neurological (but hoping something gastric) was afoot I rang the vet and got him seen at tea time after Fin refused to walk and could hardly stand. I knew he had a brain event as soon as I saw the vet worriedly checked his propreoception and ask quietly "Have you insurance?" I couldn't quite believe my reaction as I promptly burst into tears, as for the first time, I thought we could loose him. My head tell me at in the great scheme of things what with things like Nu's mum being so ill, and sudden illness seen at work all the time, a sick dog isn't seen as important, but Finlay has possessed a huge part of my heart and my life for 5 years and the thought of loosing him has devastated me.
The young woman vet was very good, she gave me a minute to collect myself and offered me the option of referring him to the animal hospital near Ellesmere Port that specialises in brain disorders but I know things look rather bleak. She gave him some steroids and a painkiller and I took him home prepared to take him to the animal hospital on Friday morning, of course he has deteriorated and I have just taken him to the hospital where they are giving him fluid resuscitation before a formal assessment tomorrow morning ( well this morning now)
I feel so crap, but cannot talk to anyone about it all even chris without getting overly upset and I just can't allow myself to do that at least at the moment.
I just want my boy back.

A long e mail and back to the land

Been discussing memories and perceptions with a friend over the past 24 hours or so, and he recalled a conversation from his youth which I thought was quite moving

"When I was 16 and spent my summer in France I asked Madame Farcy what it was like to have been living in Paris during the Occupation and I remember her answer so clearly: "I was a school girl. I got up every day and went to school - but there were German soldiers standing on the street corner. Sometimes they smiled."
Life's like that. Whenever I have hard times - and I have had a few over the years - I wake up the following
morning and there's a new day to live through

Thought I would take a "before " picture of the field, you can't see the pegs marking out the first of my allotment beds and I hope to have three "agricultural" areas 40 feet by 20 each! The soil is heavy clay so this is the upper most area of the field so hopefully will drain a little better. Just before I took this picture I disturbed a buzzard eating a wood pigeon in the long grass!

The view on the left is the rest of the field in the opposite direction and this is were the new hen house and run will be situated as well as the compost pallets. The run will be around 40 feet by 30 and the fencing will be around five foot high. The birds will have to have their wings clipped to keep the buggers in but thats not a difficult operation
Finlay had been pretty ill today, noting too specific, but he has been lethargic and just plain "odd", standing for long periods with head bowed in the kitchen, refusing to walk etc. Perhaps the trip to the vets yesterday persuaded him that he was ill?

A blunt Polish vet and the allotment finally starts!!!!

After several large fits last week I decided to take Fin to the vets to discuss anti-epileptic meds. I am really against him starting phenobarbitone as I feel it is potentially sedating and in high doses potentially dangerous to the liver, but I need to be open to discussion. Part of Fin's charm is his exceptionally friendly nature, and anything that could compromise that worries me. Anyhow off we trouped to the vets and as usual the waiting room was packed with the usual suspects when we arrived! Everyone looked rather nonplussed and the obvious reason was the fact that on duty was another new vet. With a thick polish accent a pretty young woman called out "Haw is next?" The waiting room as one all started to look at each other and the nearest woman stated "I am waiting to see Mr Sargent!" One after another four others stated the same thing and I felt terribly sorry for the young woman. Mr Sargent (see previous blogs) IS a delightfull James Herriot senior partner and obviously trusted by his large number of customers but the whole situation seemed rather insulting to her. Being in a hurry I was more than delighted to jump the queue, and was soon in the surgery with the Polish vet giving Fin the once over. Now, I work with a lot of Polish medics and enjoy the blunt direct way they sometimes communicate and am never upset by them, this vet was no different as she remarked sharply "Vhy is he vet ?" (I had bathed him earlier) , I explained and she nodded in a hard unsmiling way! Fin who loves even an unsmiling new vet kept looking at her with his open mouthed happy charm and soon had her grinning and fussing him, anyhow to cut a long story short (and after discussion and deliberation from 2 other vets) we all decided to leave Fin well alone! Fits and all, I hope it is the right decision. (is it me or is he smiling in this pic?)

Just got back from the local horticultural society talk with Ann and the guest speaker was a bigwig at the Chelsea Flower show, an affable and articulate vegetable grower called Medwin Williams (http://www.medwynsofanglesey.co.uk/) Came away all fired up with allotment fever ( and two bags of free compost!!!!-oh be still my beating heart!) Getting the rotavator tomorrow!!! and have got the corner posts for the chicken run, downside is the fact that George has shredded my green welly slip-ons! (Pic is a bunch of my daffs from the front garden)

Want to see Becoming Jane (2007) this weekend but am off to London on Friday for a wedding post mortem with Nu! She has treated me to some good theatre tickets (I cannot remember the play) as a thank you for what I did at the wedding ( what did I do?) and I can't wait to see her again! Perhaps Chris will let me drag him to the flicks next week?

A letter from Ethel Kennedy, the need of balance

Where were you?

People of a certain age (late 30s early 40s) will recall their parents saying “I always will remember where I was when Kennedy got shot”!, True to their word they would then state where they indeed were! usually with a slight wistful sadness The Kennedy shooting obviously affected my mother deeply, as only yesterday I found the acknowledgment from the White house for my Mother’s sympathy card (pic) in a pile of old papers.If you look closely the envelope of the card from Ethel Kennedy is actually handwritten and addressed to Mr & Mrs Ron Gray and family, Prestatyn England! How things change! Not only in the fact that the envelope was ACTUALLY hand written, (albeit by a secretary I would guess),but the fact that the post office actually delivered it!

Some 35 years later, the attack on the Twin Towers on 9/11, provided the world with another horrific and sudden shock of epic proportions. Everyone in September 2001 stopped what they were doing to watch this disaster unfold and Chris and I were no different! Chris had booked a skip for us to clear out the rubbish from Wynyard Road, and this tiny little wheelbarrow of a skip was delivered, which was no use to anyone. True to form (thinking myself Mr Practical) I was berating him for his mistake when the first news reports from New York started to come in and for the next eight hours I sat on the arm of the couch and Chris wandered around the living room both of us glued to the tv and the unfolding news. I can honestly say that I have never experienced so much disbelief and shock to a world event like I did that day and some of the visuals of the disaster still linger in my mind today. Like countless of others I will always remember where I was and what I was doing on September the 11th 2001.

(Interesting?) http://www.sheffieldforum.co.uk/showthread.php?t=98616

Look at Rhetto's comment on page 13!

My next comment perhaps won't be very popular! but I must admit I can see the other side of the argument in my more lucid moments! so before we start I apologise to the Kilners and Kirkhams !, hope you dont too antsy with me! I went to Sainsbury's this afternoon and the whole place seemed rather deserted. I parked ( as I occasionally do) in a spare parent parking space. Now I can understand why parents find these spaces useful (thanks Bev) and indeed in some ways safer than a regular shopping spaces BUT I feel that as a person without children, I am being penalised in a small but significant way! In the same vein I get incensed at car stickers that say Please drive carefully, baby on board! - as if you should drive more carelessly if say an 80 year old woman was in front of you! Anyhow I digress!, like I said I parked and as I walked into the store a large irate lady in the next bay called over. "Have you a child?" "No " I replied politely.

"Then can I park in your space?" She yelled. I looked round and saw that there was at least three parent parking spaces in my row so I pointed to them and replied "No...., but there are free ones here!" I guess I was a red rag to her bull as she was livid! and decided to embarrass me. "You should not park in these bays!" She yelled! and this pissed me off big style. I decided NOT to be embarrassed ( as a couple of people at the cashpoint has turned to watch) so I said in my loudest and clearest calm voice , "I am tired at people that CHOOSE to have children, thinking that they are automatically entitled to perks above others who do not! and who spend just as much at this supermarket as they do!" OK OK not the best grammar but It got my point across and with a middle aged, fat man's dignity I marched into the store!

Now I know and understand that parents do have a difficult time with the care of kids, and I am not against perks like these parking spaces being made available but I get so angry when people think of it as a God given right JUST because children are involved. Elderly people that perhaps are not quite knackered enough to be termed disabled have to used the "normal" spaces and it could be argued that they would benefit more from a nearer space than "more healthy" parents and their kids......whatever!

Anyway as I came out of the store the lady was nowhere in sight, but I did notice that all her children were sat in her car talking as their mom was in the store. She wasn't even using the space in the spirit that she had alluded to!

I wish I was more public minded, and recognise that getting so angry at peoples' behaviour like this is so unhealthy!.sorry peeps!

Postscript! Jonney e mailed me today (6.3.07) saying that we met up in the evening for the theatre and drinks on Sep 11th and he thought I was pretty normal! I find that each of our perceptions of the day interesting as I remember nothing of the evening out! strange what we recall and what we don't eh?

Freud, where are you?

Perhaps it is the two long night shifts this weekend, perhaps the (low fat) breakfast before I crawled into my pit, but had a series of vivid dreams about the Blitz during the day! In retrospect I think the catalyst was the monotonous ringing of the Church bell at 11am, but whatever it was, I dreamt of the destruction of the historic Marples hotel in Sheffield.The dream was visually quite stunning as I even remember the faded wallpaper on the pub wall! and the hairstyles of the women drinkers downing thier stouts!

I didnt know much about the disaster so have just found the following info out!

The Marples pub was a seven storey building with a network of cellars which customers could take shelter in if it became necessary. It was a popular drinking den boasting a full house most nights. On the night of Dec 12th at around 10.50pm C&A Modes store standing opposite the pub suffered a direct hit. The pub customers some suffering from wounds from the shattered and flying glass from the explosion of the C&A building were treated in the pub cellars feeling all the more secure by the fact that the seven storey pub building had hardly been touched by a bomb dropping so close to them. Later that night, customers and other injured were still comforting each in the pub cellars while the air raid continued. Then at 11.44pm the pub building itself suffered a direct hit from a high explosive bomb. The whole seven storey's of bedrooms, bars and lounges just collapsed into a pile of rubble. Its never been confirmed exactly how many people lost their lives. In the following weeks of searching and clearing the rubble there were 70 or so bodies or the remains of bodies recovered, half of them being women and only 14 could be named. The rest being identified through belongings such as watches, identity cards or other such items found in pockets and handbags.

Now where did this dream come from? Not done a tap today when I finally rolled out of bed. Chris has prepared dinner and walked the dogs all day! Nights do have some compensations!

The Prestige, & Gardening!!

It has been the most beautifull day, so after a very early morning walk up the gop I have spent the whole day in the garden. The heavy clay soil has had a boost with what seems like tons of compost and it will be interesting to compare this picture with another in say a months time when all the cottage flowers are up and running. The allotment is marked out and Steve (village spokesman) on board with helping to organise ground preparation! (he knows everyone within a five mile radius) Hopefully Chris will help me cart Pippa's manure up tomorrowbefore I go to work the weekend!

We saw the twist comming a mile off in The Prestige (2006) tonight at Theatre Clwyd, and must admit I thought the whole affair pretty damm boring to say the least. Hugh Jackman isn't as pretty as he used to be, and I have never really liked Christian Bale, so the leads left me all a bit cold really. I DID like Scarlett Johansson's English accent however! one of the best American-to-English accents since Bridget Jones!, but I guess an accent isn't the best thing to like about a film! David Bowie looked a bit bloated by the way! Wonder if Jonney Highfield liked it?

Only had 28 of my 33 points today on fatfighters! doing well! I don't even feel hungry!

Mightiest Of Men... Mightiest Of Spectacles... Mightiest Of Motion Pictures!

Well so says the tag line of the film The Vikings (1958) which is showing on TCM tonight! Chris is withdrawing from nicotine today and I am smug with attending Weightwatchers with Carole AND for jet washing the Belingo ( a first for me) ! so relaxing with Kirk Douglas and a big boys film seems like the best thing to do! Ernest Borgnine had the best and worst of the lines-

" Look how he glares at me... If he wasn't fathered by the black ram in the full of the moon my name is not Ragnar. " classic!

My boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...........................................

I am a visual person, so to speak and not a verbal one !, so I found it strange that one tiny phrase has stuck in my mind over the past few days. Obviously Chris and I have no children, but often when Finlay sits on my knee in his needy way I always refer to him as.... "My boy!". I only noticed this fact tonight , and it is weird that when Chris is down, tearful or ill I refer to him as "my boy " as well! especially when I give him a kiss on the forehead in one of those paternal type ways...................... I thought tonight of where this term of endearment comes from and it took me only a few minutes to realise that it comes from my gran. !


During my grandfather's funeral ( a real roller coaster of an experience ...that actually Incorporated a car crash in Prestatyn high street!) I remember the coffin being wheeled out of the Church! As the coffin lurched a little over the uneven stone floor , I will always remember my grandmother calling out " My boy....oh........ my poor boy!" It was a sudden moment of intimacy that hurt the entire congregation with its closeness and its pain and I guess it struck with me an emotion more powerfull that I ever expected . I guess it will always be with me....well , and with Chris and little Fin!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!