Sunday, 2 December 2018

Thoughts of a singleton

Being newly single is an odd experience .
It feels very different than when I experienced the single life back in Sheffield
It feels somewhat harsher
Back then being single was an adventure backed up by a myriad of friends and socialising ...I was also in my twenties and thirties back then, so I was one of a few singletons
Now it all feels very different now that I'm in my mid fifties .

Being single in this hetero-normal couple world can be hard..
You can be viewed as a failure, a threat.......a saddo....
I don't really identify with a totally gay world because for two decades it was never important or significant to do so.
Being gay was a single fact, but it was never a label that defined me as a person.

With phone apps and the like it is easy for anyone regardless of sexual preference to hook up with another and do with the precision of a sat nav! So many gay men now have casual encounters whilst married in open or not so open relationships .
Apps make selfishness easy
And monogamy redundant.

I'm no prude. When I was single I kissed many frogs and a few princes but when I met a man I loved
the thought of no strings sex with another just wasn't on my agenda .Perhaps that's just a reflection of my hetero-normal attitude regarding marriage.
Many gay men would disagree with me.
Being gay or  queer means different things to different men

So does being single....




78 comments:

  1. Being single is always more difficult to deal with when its not been your choice either by divorce or death and I agree being in your mid fifties you don't expect to find yourself single when you thought you were settled for life.
    Heather.

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    1. chork2 I understand what you wrote.
      The x walked out when I was in my early 60 now in my late 70 this is what my life is. Not what I expected but I am happy in this life.
      John you seem to have made some wonderful friends and have a great family, all will work out.

      cheers, parsnip and badger

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    2. This wasn't a moaning blog just a collection of thoughts

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    3. I did not read it that way, just what it is.

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  2. I can't imagine how I'd deal with being plunged into singledom in my 50s, having been happily married for 35 years. Nobody seems to meet anybody by the old-fashioned conventional ways anymore - when you met someone face to face and could more or less make out instantly whether you'd hit it off. How can you believe what someone chooses to put in their online profile? I feel for you, John. X

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  3. Perhaps you could become Trelawnyd's Miss Marple. Village life is so different to town.

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    1. I'm the already but without the handbag

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  4. It has to feel so weird, so off and alien, John. There's a part of me that thinks, hmm, if something were to happen to my Hubs, as a now 57 year old woman, I think that yep, it would feel weird as hell, and suck on so many different levels. I wonder though, that at this age, if I would make way more picky decisions as to whom I would spend my time with. Not that my Hubs isn't a good and loving man, he is. I am just a completely different woman, 18 years of marriage later. Sending you much love from across the pond.

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  5. It might be pitifully naive to say, but I don't think it matters if you're gay or straight... everyone wants to be loved... everyone wants to belong. At any age. Humans are wired that way. So, I'll step farther out on the limb. When my dad passed after a long illness, my mom soon found herself in a late-in-life romance with a widower. Something she never expected. They had a number of good years together, travelling America and the world. You never know what's ahead. Which doesn't help today, but...

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    1. I agree.....but I do think there is a certain significant number of gay men who want both the benefits of a married and single life

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    2. Maybe the word "gay" isn't as relevant as one might think [in that sentence]? There are a lot of straight men who, while married, also want the benefits of a single life. A few women I've known, too. Monogamy isn't orientation-specific. And the cheated on partner always feels devastated, but honorable, loyal people do still exist in the world. One may cross your path someday, John.

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    3. Oh John, the truth is that there are a significant number of men in general who are up for having their cake and eating it -being gay just means they are more likely to meet someone else who feels the same way.
      When I was single, I dealt with so many men that could have put me off men forever! Just appalling. But, you cant tar all of 'em with the same brush or there's no hope. xo

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    4. Maryanne I think you have written exactly what I think and believe

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    5. John we are spiritual twins separated by three years and an entire globe ;-) And, it works out.

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  6. It may sound odd, but I think the best attitude towards being single is to ignore it; that way the unexpected happens. When I was much younger I never worried about being without a girlfriend, and somehow they just turned-up when I was least expecting them.

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    1. I'm more. Comfortable in my own skin cro...that helps too.....

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  7. I come at this as an uninformed, naïve person. I didn't realize that cheating on one's significant other is more prevalent in the gay community. (If I'm reading you correctly). I hope that when the timing it right, you do meet someone who is genuine, caring, unselfish, kind... -Jenn

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    1. An open relationship.isnt cheating if both play the game. Its not for me though

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  8. I watched a very fine documentary on Armistead Maupin (https://www.armisteadfilm.com/) and he discussed his marriage to a beautiful man wherein they both have other "friendships," sometimes even together. And my sensibilities were somewhat, well, not shocked. But more on the lines of "how can you do that?" I could not handle the emotional stuff that would come with that. BUT, not my marriage, not my business, you know? And if both partners are aware of what's going on then it is not cheating. At least that's what I think. Honesty is always the best policy.
    But some of us are just not cut out for that, whether by natural inclination or cultural reasons.
    Ah, John. May you find someone who is good and true, someone you can safely give your heart to eventually. I know it's GOT to be difficult. But quite possible.

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    1. That kind of relationship may well work....and that's great. But I think you either have to be super strong in what you have together or have an ability to look the other way and accept the ride

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  9. I have a dear friend who has negotiated what she refers to as "the life" for 48 years. She has had two very special and long term relationships. Being newly single has changed over her life as well. There are no easy answers. As a psychologist she is impatient with herself for not having all the answers. When I say...what can I do? her response is always just be there for me. I will move on, it will be different but as long as I have my friends I will be OK. Here's hoping that all your friends can buffer the transitions.

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  10. Anonymous3:20 pm

    Chin up! I divorced after 25 years wed; couldn't even THINK about dating. But a couple years later, got online, met some nice people, and found a wonderful partner. We are together almost 6 years, and married 3.5. I am 65 and he is 69. True love doesn't have an expiration date. xo

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  11. John, I really really wish we lived closer to each other as I would love to meet up again....I'm sending hugs via the blog but couldn't we try to hook up at some point again...if you want to of course! We don't share the sexuality aspect but as you know we share a lot of relationship stuff and this is a very odd time...but we will get through xxx

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    1. It's lovely to have the support of friends is it not!

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  12. My daughter has just met a nice guy playing on-line Scrabble. They are smitten with each other. Great, except he lives in Herefordshire and she lives in Sydney, Australia. I think this way she feels the distance will keep her safe. A cyber boyfriend.

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    1. Another new way of doing things !

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  13. Perhaps being single at your age feels harsher because now you're mature enough to know more-

    that admitted to or not, we have emotional feelings when engaging sexually-

    that one or both involved usually wishes it were more,so a few dates then moving on can break a heart-

    that we all have idiosyncrasies that others may consider queer,and being judged or not befriended for that feels rotten...

    John, I so wish your path had led to happiness instead of heartache and your feeling alone when you didn't want to be.
    I dearly hope you will be glad all that took you to where you'll be eventually, because of how whole, happy and at peace you will be then.

    Flings while I was single were part of my younger life,too, until I realized that I had broken one too many hearts. Now I understand why older,wiser folks said sex should only be with our spouse. - Mary

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    1. I don't think I've broken many hearts
      But it's good to hear from someone who has
      An alternative point of view

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  14. I hear you dear. After my relationship eneded, I thought it was odd and scary. You get so used to being the "other half" But what you said "being single was an adventure backed up by a myriad of friends and socializing" is so true. While we may go out on the town here and there, my little circle helped me a lot. And the Lad helps with the casual piece so to speak. Who knows if I will ever settle again. Us singltons need to stick together. Hang in there luv, it will get easier.

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    1. I like characters like you just around the corner!

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  15. I suppose it's inevitable that it would feel different now than it did when you were younger. Even through my long years of singlehood I felt that evolution. As much as possible I hope you are enjoying your newfound ability to do what you want, when you want. Is it too soon to think of being single (at least partly) as an opportunity?

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  16. Barbara Anne6:56 pm

    Be true to yourself and all will come round right.

    Hugs!

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  17. John, I'm newly single at 59. Or, as I call it, Blessedly Single! My life is as full as I choose it to be and I get to do the things I want to do. I won't speak ill of my ex, but I will say that the house is beautifully peaceful now. Just me and my old pussy, er, cat...
    (Also gay! Well, lesbian.)

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    1. Funnily put....and timely
      Thank you x

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  18. Hello, John. I haven't seen any mention of your relocating. You seem surrounded by accepting and caring people in your village. Please try to stay put, you will be happier. Thank you for your honesty and superb humor. Have a lovely day.

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  19. My cousin & his partner have been together for about ten years & have two children. My cousin has expressed that he'd like to have liaisons with other men, but struggles with feelings of guilt.

    He hasn't discussed his needs with his partner because he feels the conversation would not be well met. I suppose broaching the subject could be quite scary.

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  20. Every one has different ideas on what life should hold for them. But I think a lot of people don't care about others at all.
    My ex husband had a child with me and cheated continuously behind my back. He marries the final trollop they have a child, then goes of track yet again and has another child with another trollop.
    As my child said I've gone from being an only child to the eldest of three!!
    Life doesn't always go the path you thought it would. But you get back up on your feet and dust yourself down. I don't say start again, you might not want too.
    Fortunately I have always been a self reliant type. Eventually I met someone else from a dating site. Nearly 15 years ago . . . So don't give up on thngs.

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  21. Anonymous8:28 pm

    I still think that you are better off than you were in a marriage full of unhappiness. I wish I could say the same.
    But gay or straight, people meet one another in so many ways these days, so just let that heart and mind of yours be open to it and see where life leads you. And don't think that monogamy and commitment are a thing of the past. It is alive and well, so don't think otherwise or think that you have too high of expectations. You do not.

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    1. I wasnt unhappy

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    2. Perhaps this is the most telling statement of all. Give yourself time to grieve your broken heart. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. They say not to make any major decisions for a year after a life changing event.

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  22. I've been married, divorced and remarried. Whichever side of the marriage fence a person is on there can sometimes be a bit of the "grass is greener on the other side" feeling. Being single can be a time to take care of yourself and delve into your own personal interests that you may have neglected when with another person. I've heard it said that we need to love and accept ourselves before another person can.

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  23. Open relationships are not for me. In my eyes they signify diminishing commitment. And, as others have said, I don't think it is an entirely gay trait.

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  24. Gay or straight relationships are the same some people search for love others just have one fling after another, I think the best steps are friendships that grow into love it takes more time but easier to live with in the long run, keep that door open John you never know who will walk into your life.

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  25. I was married 26 years when my husband just stopped coming home any more (January 2010) and moved in with his bar room skank. He wanted to come back a month later but I was having none of it, so divorce it was for me at 53, then buying him out of the house and paying off all his debts. While I have dated since he left I honestly don't think I could ever live with anyone again. I'm happy in my own company so I think my ideal relationship (if there ever is another one) would be for him to keep his place and I keep my own and we meet somewhere in the middle. Although I am lonely on occasion I don't think I would be able to give up the peace and contentment (and total lack of drama) in order to be with someone else. Who knows, like others here have said, you never know what's around the next bend. Keep the faith John, you are a sociable animal and I'm sure there's someone else for you out there (if that is what you want at some point).

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    1. Not looking for anyone else. Ill become a spinster who smells of pee

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    2. Anonymous1:28 am

      Some men are into that sort of thing. Hey ho.

      -invisigal

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  26. Anonymous9:47 pm

    Your comments could have been written by one of my sisters gay friends. There are his thoughts on relationships as well. He was married to a lady for a few years before they separated and he came out as gay. He has found meeting men via the apps and various web sites a waste of time, he would like a one to one relationship not casual 'hookups'. He is in his mid 40s and thinks people see him as a failure.
    I'm sure most people who have been in a long term relationship struggle with single life, my daughter did.
    You sound a lovely guy with lots of friends. Enjoy life, who knows what's around the corner.

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  27. It is quite different now to when I was a young gay man, and I am kind of glad I am not young now. You and I have three things in common that are obvious. We are men, our preference is for men and we blog. Otherwise, we are quite chalk and cheese. Just being gay does not make us part of any community, least of all the mythical gay community.

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  28. i gave on men long ago and chose chihuahua instead. best decision. i love my life!!

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  29. I am glad to see you are surround by Love here.

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  30. I married at 20 so I didnt even really have a single life but my husband was always angry so i also didnt really have a married life.
    Now I have to figure it all out. I guess if i consider it an adventure it might be easier!

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  31. I recently heard a woman discussing relationships on National Public Radio (NPR) in the States. She stated that monogamy is no longer a given in modern relationships. Monogamy has to be negotiated between the couple.

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  32. Anonymous11:34 pm

    John you are handsome, kind, intelligent, cultured with a wicked sense of humour! Some lucky bloke will snatch you up the moment you are open to the idea! In the meantime, enjoy the solitude.

    -invisigal

    Should you ever wish to come to Canada to parade around how happy you are, my spare room is all yours.

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  33. I might have to start calling you Valerie... Valerie Singleton.

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  34. I very much agree with your views on monogamy. Not all of our fellow-fellows do. You will find comfort and happiness again.

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  35. I have known many gay couples that have been together decades. It's like the tribulations that they went through to become a recognized couple made them stronger. You will find an exceptional quality person because you are an exceptional quality person. My psychology professor once told me that "like finds like." He's out there and you will be happy again.

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    1. As my mother used to say ‘there’s a pot for every lid’...

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  36. My heart has been broken a few times, and I have also broken some as well. Swings and roundabouts that's life. Oh the freedom of not having to bother again. Bliss.

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  37. I haven't been single for such a long time, but I do remember I wasn't very good at it the first time around. I can't imagine the adjustment now and, like you, I never conformed to how I was told by others a gay man was "supposed to behave" and I'm sure most gay men don't. As a matter of fact, we don't conform even now according to many of our coupled non-monogamous friends.

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  38. I once believed that being without a partner (good or bad) was to be the worst thing that could happen to me John. You of course know some of my history my friend and after twenty four years of a marriage where I now realise it was wrong for me at least I became single and not coping with depression at the same time. To say that this was a tumultuous period of my life is akin to saying 'it's a bit parky at the north pole'! I yearned for a companion and this led me into several ermmm situations, good and bad that would fill my blog and probably strike a chord with many a folk. In the end I took stock and realised that I did not need companionship or a lover to enjoy my life and I came to terms with this, not quickly but eventually (I guess the passing of hurt, emotions etc take on the same speed as a glacier).
    Damn thing is when I came to the point of being able to accept things for the way the are I met George and though I do not fear being single once more to lose her would take more of a heavy toll than perhaps I would care to admit.
    I guess I'm just trying to say, without hopefully being too condescending, is that you will be fine my friend. After all if a caveman who suffers the Black dog can get by I am sure a good and kind soul as you are will find your path.....

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  39. Enjoy being single for now, embrace it, you won’t be single long, you just won’t, trust me, I know these things lol🙂

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  40. Sarah Jones4:53 pm

    John you are a total love and one day you will meet someone who deserves you xxx

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  41. Being Single, Gay, and Older is another world.... i dont like to say this but it is also a Harsher Gay World, the Civility that I had known as a young gay man is not there any more...

    However, it also gives you the freedom to explore... and be open about it... that might be the best thing ..

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  42. A relationship is one of the most beautiful things one can experience in so many ways. And,yet, on the other hand can be very difficult at times on so many levels. Guess it depends on what we want for them in the first place.

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