Vigil


South West of Trelawnyd there is a flat, wide valley which runs gently down towards the coastal plain nearly six hundred feet below.
One of the fields that border the road seawards has been newly ploughed and seeded and perched proudly in its centre is a somewhat incongruous smiling scarecrow wearing a multicoloured Kagool
I saw him today
Arms outstretched in a Jaunty welcome he faces passing motorists quite cheerfully

Positive and optimistic
It's the only way forward


Decree Absolute


The attachment on my solicitor's email caught me somewhat by surprise this morning.
It was an unsurprisingly dry document stamped from the family court in Newport Gwent stating I was no longer officially married.
The decree absolute in black and white.
My solicitor kindly wished me well and as instructed I printed up the document for safe keeping without really thinking about what I was doing but I read again her words   " I am sure you will be pleased that this matter has reached its conclusion"

"This matter"
Two words that encompass nearly twenty years of my life

In my mind , I have fantasised how I would react to today's news.
On Going Gently I have never bad mouthed my husband's behaviour in deciding to end our marriage
I get that people change and so do their wants and needs and emotions
I have hinted it that has been the way he initiated the split that was so disappointing and awful for me to deal with and I stand by those words now.
The way we split was truly awful to experience
He eventually got what he wanted, a new younger partner and a new, totally different  life style
And he rewrote a history in his head, in the same way his mother had done when she was divorced
A history that I always thought of as ongoing.

I pulled up papers from my box files , and arranged them neatly on the kitchen table.
Today I have planned to sort outstanding bills and statements and filing and already have penned a do do list on a simple square of wring paper
Each line with its own square box to be ticked off

My sister has just video called me by accident, she is crocheting me a new cushion cover for the yellow living room

The bulldogs were lying sleeping in their chair in the kitchen and I went upstairs , changed the bedding, had a bath and got changed into some proper clothes, then me and Mary slipped out, unnoticed by the front door and took a walk up the lane.

The sky is blue here in Trelawnyd but it's kind of cold and we walked up through the Churchyard and sat on the far bench not far from the grave of auntie Gladys's daughter
Tumbled thoughts from the past two years filled my mind until it felt like bursting but Mary as she has a want to to jumped up next to me and leant inwards as only Welsh terriers do and we both looked out over the livery stable fields where the ponies were trotting with their heads high and their nostrils flaring.
They looked, I thought,  like my pottery pony which stands proudly against the art wall in the kitchen
And with Mary as my only company

I had a long and final cry

We Will Meet Again


The old girl pitched it just right.
Balanced, no mention of the virus, and concentrating on our strengths
She underlined all of the low key virtues she feels it means to be British
She also reminded us that she has been making such speeches since 1940
And she was going no where during this crisis
Her final, stoic and unflappable sentence made me tear up
Looking directly into the camera with no dramatic pausing
She said simply
" We will meet again"
Nice one Betty

Bush Trimming, and Gay Thoughts

I've just harnessed my innate gay energy

I've finally summoned my inner most Mildred Pierce and in a fit of gay energy have cut down the overgrown evergreen bush in the front garden to a manageable height.
I could almost hear neighbours Mandy & Sailor John breathe  a huge joint sigh of contentment after I had finished
It had been an eyesore for a year
It's a hard job given that Dorothy and Albert are following my every movement.
Winnie is sitting my the gate watching for any passerby to stop.
When they envairably do, she isn't shy at showing each one her shaved leg site where the vets took a blood sample.
She's very conscious of it's haematoma
She's such a drama queen

As I was humping the cut foliage across to my field bonfire I spied Rhodri driving down the lane .
He waved rather self consciously . " Rhodri " is my friend with very occasional benefits. I won't say any more than that, after all he's single and outwardly very straight but it was nice to see a friendly, masculine face today
I'm very sanguine about Rhodri 
Him being firmly in a closet is his own affair and not my problem.
Now writing this snippet of gossip should get the locals' gums gnashing!
I wish lockdown could be lifted for a sweaty 40 minutes!



Already this morning there are several dozen what 's app messages from the warden's group to catch up on as well as a few pithy one liners from friends to answer.
I caught up with my old friend Nigel yesterday for nearly an hour

Apparantly I remind him of Angela Landsbury 
WTF?

I'm tired after my gardening ablutions but will finish the job before sinking into my armchair for a snooze.
Ive not got to the Miranda Hart" fruit friends" stage quite yet


 But I will leave you with this somewhat worrying photograph of two Welsh policemen on duty.
In light of the fact the London parks are still full of sunbathers yesterday, our Welsh boys have taken loitering in public places an arrestable offence


Stay safe
Hey ho

Beautiful



One of most beautiful woman I have ever seen is
Emma Thompson at the end of Nanny Mc Phee

Diary Of A Nobody

Yesterday
Finished work at 8.00 am
Laughed with colleagues, negiotiated around wild mountain goats in car park
Drove towards home on deserted roads
Stopped at Sainsbury's for provisions
Told to get to front of queue by nice trolley man who read my name badge
Old man in queue complained loudly that I went before him, so much for the Blitz spirit
Bought gin and bread and beer
Old man who complained snorted when he saw my purchases



Drove home
Village quiet
Waved at Mrs Trellis who was out with Blue, she had starched her bobble hat again.

Walked dogs down Gypsy lane,
Shepherd Graham was tending to his new lambs
Checked Trelawnyd 's Emergency whatsapp group. 34 messages!

Cleaned kitchen floor

Realised I had lost my wallet again.....searched house
Rang work to see if wallet was there....no....bugger!!!!!
Searched car and house again
Checked washing machine ( where I had found it before )
Nothing
Spent 1hour 49 minutes waiting to to get through to Barclays to cancel credit Card
Fell asleep doing so
Woken up by lovely Sonia shouting " Helloooo" from scotland who kindly cancelled my card
Made avocado on toast ( with egg)
Finally went to bed at 12.30 pm.....shattered
Dogs woke me at 3pm , barking at Postman
Gathered them up and took them round to Trendy Carol's ( who was wearing a floaty cream and brown ensemble) 
Walked back home realising I was still in pyjamas
Went to bed again
Woke up at 5.30 pm

Drank cold coffee left over from breakfast


Fed Albert
Spooned out dog food
Answered phone , old friend Nigel, told him I will catch up with him today
Collected and fed dogs , realised I was still in pyjamas
Washed and then donned uniform, washed up pots
Left message on recycling for binmen with beer..thanking them for working
6.45 pm left for work
7.22 pm stopped at West Shore and admired the view and the very cold air



Felt human for a few minutes
7.29 got to work.
Laughed with colleagues
Placed gin I had bought in office
It is a gift to one of the support workers who will cut my hair before I leave for home tomorrow

I See You


It's almost 5 am
I wasn't sure if I was going to blog today.
My life has became smaller , not only with self isolation but with night shifts.

Certain phrases have become synonymous with trauma and moments of crisis,
I've just been thinking.

I love you
Is the example that springs most readily to mind
In 9/11 the protagonists in buildings and aircraft were quick to repeat these words to their loved ones
So important it was to share the most fundamental and vital of emotions

Patients, indeed everyone of us have difficult times during a day.
The wee small hours on a night shift can be especially hard if nerves are jagged and resolve is low.
At these times nursing is often a visual and very human vocation.

The patient needs to know you are there.
You are present
You are available, alert and focused
Like a hen sat on her chicks,
like your mother when you were a sick child,
Like a vigilant lover when you're asleep

And the phrase that is most relevant to say is the reassuring

I am watching you.

Fight Club

Our worlds get smaller and things that never became important before become important now.
I was desperate to get back to work last night.
Desperate to have something of purpose to do
People to talk to
Characters to bounce off.

Social isolating cannot happen when patients need turning and made comfortable
The physical contact of colleagues are ties that bind.

Nurse humour cannot be beaten for sheer, undiluted gall
On one of her last hospital admissions my mother witnessed a brief meeting at the nurses station when an over tired support worked hissed at two very harassed staff nurses
" I've just found another one Dead!" 
Whereafter all three burst into brief and somewhat hysterical laughter

In my mind tiredness, night nurse hysteria and overwork is often the reciepie for a good laugh.

I once had to take charge at the resuscitation of a man with severely contracted legs.
He had effectively sat in a wheelchair for months before his admission without benefit of lying down supine on a bed , and so when placed on his back his legs sprang upwards as if he was glued to a chair.
We tried our best to bring the chap back to the land of the living and the defibrillator and arrest team were all called but eventually after a heroic try the team agreed that we had been unsuccessful
Dejected and defeated the team looked mutely on until a support worked popped her head around the curtains and commented that the patient was in no way going to fit in one of the porters' body boxes .
Cue prolonged and by no means irreverent laughter .

A valve release to a very human situation.
And I would always prefer to laugh than to cry.

It's not the drama, or the blood , or the sheer mental anguish of some nursing shifts that binds nurses together.
Sure all these things play a part in team work and the shared experience thing
But it's humour that gets us through and gives us the chutzpah to skip through the shit.

Any good manager understands this
I think the public now knows it too.

I remember one time when I was a junior staff nurse when a patient everyone disliked intensely choked on half an apricot during a mealtime on a neighbouring ward . He arrested at the dinner table after a prolonged bitching session at staff and we could see that the nurses had everything in hand so waited to be called if we were needed
After a half hour or so one of the support workers walked into our ward looking deflated and dejected

" How is he ?" I asked
The support worker signed
" He's fucking alive !" She shrugged theatrically
Cue ribald laughter .

I have a hundred such stories . And all are not disrespectful is any way.
Watch M*A*S*H  The original movie ....if you don't get it
Then you unbeliever, you may understand where I am coming from

Nurses humour, like the Film Fight  Club has its own rules

And What goes on it fight club....stays in Fight Club