I've Been Robbed

Despite the Sexy Bearded Dog Walker attending to one particular Welsh Terrier and Bulldog when I am at work, one aforementioned bulldog has acted out her displeasure at not having me on hand 24/7 by trashing the cottage population of scatter cushions and chair throws as effectively as Die Hard's Bruce Willis kills English terrorists!
Even the trendy little armchair in the kitchen has had its cushions deftly removed and every one in the house, some 15 in total,  have been flung about during what I can only surmise as a tantrum of  gigantic proportions
Tonight I came home just before 9pm and stood in the doorway surveying the damage
Mary looked guilty
Even the innocent Albert hung his head in shame
Winnie just gave me a dirty look and when I pointed to the nearest cushion lying only six inches from my feet, she snorted loudly and kicked a sweet embroidered homemade button pillow with a heavy and very angry foot!
It sailed through the air like a rugby ball
Hell hath no fury as a Bulldog Bitch Scorned 

Trolls, Pain And Glory et al

Last night a particular Troll had a little " play" on Going Gently 

They thought they were being clever in doing so , but they only sought to make a fool of themselves as most, if not all of their comments were based in misinformation and supastiston. 

I wasn't even mildly irritated by it all...I had better things to do.

If I am wrong ( and I am not) " I will apologise to "Jaqc" and " Sue" personally if they email me at jgsheffield@hotmail.com

I'm not holding my breath.....

With my date postponed, I organised an ENO today and took myself off to see Almodóvar's latest movie Pain & Glory.

The film is Almodóvar's most autobiographical work to date and brings together his signature themes of mother love, regret and memories of awakening sexuality and sets them against the backdrop of a sleek modern day Spain and a vibrant and colourful mise en scene.

Penélope Cruz as Mallo's Mother

A haunted and haunting Banderas

Almodóvar is " played" by Antonio Banderas. A film writer who has hit a sad isolated plateau in his luxurious Madrid penthouse. Wracked in pain from a myriad of physical and psychological complaints his character Salvador Mallo,is haunted by regrets over a hit 30 year old film, a love affair  that went awry and his relationship with his mother. 

A meeting with a drug using past work colleague, introduces Mallo to recreational heroin , a drug that eases his pains but also accidentally enables him to access the Ghosts of old memories past.

Banderas is wonderful in the lead role. At times he seems a diminished Wreck of character who is overwhelmed with physical pain and regret then he transforms into an emotional bruised ex lover of a man who went on to marry a woman and have a family of his own .

It's a complicated and delicate performance which , will be , I am sure , Banderas' triumph come award giving time.

I met my friend Mave for lunch after the film which filled my quota of sassy gay quips and before the movie had some phone  banter with Si the chap I had planned to meet today...

It's nice to have a few more gay mates...Mave was incensed by last night's blog trolling 

He was ready to bitch slap the "lot "of em! 

Friday Morning

After a brief discussion with the hospice sister I changed today's 12 hour shift to Sunday.
As a ward manager I would not have given a memeber of staff three long day shifts together and so have asked if that could be the case for me .
Ive cleaned the cottage in operation dog shot removal in readiness for its valuation on Monday. The valuation is part of my application for the new mortgage.
I found an escapee cocktail sausage under the kitchen door and a mummified mouse underneath the spare bed.
I caught up with affable despot Jason who has just had a family holiday along the beaches of Anglesey. His hand has improved thanks primarily to the salt water and sunny days , and now looks healed.
He has been left with residual local neurological damage I think
But was as cheerful and irreverent as always.
Mary and I walked around the village this morning.
Nurse Hattie must be on nights as there is a big DO NOT KNOCK on her front door and as we passed her landlady's garden ( Jenny the old post mistress) I noticed a mass of orange/ yellow daisy flowers covering her borders.
The mobile butcher was sawing into what looked like a leg of lamb in Bron Haul . He works from the back of a small white van and always wears a long white doctors' coat rather than an apron.
He stops in the village every Friday morning.
He's very polite and very Welsh, and tips his head in greeting like my grandfather used to do when he wore a  trilby hat.
Mrs Trellis was practicing her piano in her living room window as we passed.
She was telling me she had procured a tea urn for the Church refreshment table.
Her greyhound Blue danced when he saw Mary, who only yapped at him.
Greyhounds irritate her somewhat.

Fishfingers under the honeysuckle

The dog walker left the back door unlocked today which I was unhappy about
I didn't have the energy to be angry, partly because I was tired and partly because Winnie had somehow got a miniature cocktail sausage stuck in her gums and was bouncing around the cottage like a loon in an effort to finally eat it
In the end I had to sit on her and flick it out with a crooked finger

I rang the walker and asked him nicely if he could be a little more careful in future.

I had a fishfinger sandwich for tea at 9 pm
And ate  it still in my uniform on the front garden seat
Under the still fragrant but dying blooms of the honeysuckle

Fucked

I'm knackered
Out at 6.45 am back at 20.45pm
One of three consecutive shifts
Everyone Welcoming
Mary hysterical when I returned
Winnie blew me a kiss from the doorway
I bought them a packet of Swedish meatballs
And we sat quietly together until I fell asleep watching the start of Bake Off
But not before Prue said to Noel  " I'm dribbling"
There seems to be too many homosexuals on it this year! 
But at lest the smutty entendres are startling 

Zbogom Moja

We sang a version of this at choir tonight
Not a ditty you could bang out when pissed I can tell you
The choir sang their usual birthday greetings this week to Hattie, John and Lyn and then sang me a surprise Good Luck song at the end of choir practice
I am blessed to be part of such a nice bunch of despots!
Off to bed after bake off
Uniform Ironed, packed lunch and tea made.
House in order for dog walker

A New Furry Pencilcase

My pre work shopping trolley 

I'm feeling the lurve this morning
Tomorrow is my first shift at the hospice...at last

I was in the supermarket when a couple of texts, an email entitled " Bra Straps" and a Twitter message came in together alongside an invitation to tea
All more or less said the same thing
" Good Luck for the new job"
Which is nice.

I'm feeling, today, is a kind of " Dear Diary" sort of moment.
Going Gently has been a dear confidant to me
Over the past 18 months
Week by week, It, and you it's readers have soaked up my distress and celebrated my milestones, with a mixture of sweet positivism, pithy humour and occasional exasperation and I can now see how things have changed even though over the past year I often lost my perspective.

I thought about this, only this morning when one message I received was from an acquaintance who has recently split up from his partner who also, rather unfortunately, works in the same University department.
I asked him how he was doing and his choice of words stabbed at me like a knife
" I'm struggling" he shared honestly
And I realised gratefully, that I am no longer struggling with that awful pain, and need for honesty and truth I felt so many months ago.

Now don't get me wrong, that recent emotional battering I gave myself at my father in law's funeral was the most painful episode I have experienced since the day my husband actually walked out of the cottage.
But I can remember things more affectionately than I once did

Something I did this morning at the supermarket.

When Chris changed jobs from Preston to Leeds and from Leeds to Sheffield, I often bought him some silly things to mark the event.

Once I bought him a new pencil case complete with shiny new pencils, pens and a rubber , one like your mum would do before your first day back at school.
Other time it was a gift of a homemade pencil desk tidy made from a cat food tin.
And this morning I treated myself to my own " furry pencil case"  in the shape of a new lever arch file in which I can organise my documents, training, learning objectives and correspondence from the hospice.
I even bought myself a set of posh new pens to go with it
A gift to myself.......

Tomorrow, that first shift will mark my final steps towards self determination and self sufficiency.
It's going to be a struggle, and the T 's are yet to crossed and the I's dotted but I feel proud that I have finally done it with only one or two queeny moments of silliness

And I apologise for banging on so much and for so long.

This week, I start work.
This weekend I also have a date with a bloke !
A nice , ordinary , interesting bloke who will, I am sure, become a very good friend if we just get on as friends.
I am, at last , Going Gently
Going Forward........Going Forward gently

A Bump In The Night

Many times in the early morning now I have been forced awake by some vague and unsettling sound somewhere in the cottage.
The dogs sleep noisily through it without alarm
And there is no frantic banging from the cat flap to signal the arrival of any local moggie intent at stealing Albert's dinner
But as I lie in bed, I am sure that there is a regular pulsating, vague groan from somewhere downstairs.
Last night the mystery was solved
I fell asleep watching some crap on tv last night and woke in the dark sometime well before the dawn chorus from the cockerels.
Then I heard the automatic bin open in the kitchen with a slight whir.
A couple of seconds later the top closed with an almost inaudible bump
And then it opened again....
This happened four times before stopping

Wide eyed, I got up and walked into the kitchen.
Albert was sat on the kitchen armchair with his paw outstretched
He had noticed the blinking infrared sensor on the bin lid and was happily swatting it for his own amusement