Going Gently

Christmas Fair

Sandra C from the village now organises the annual Christmas bash, which is a lot of work for one lady and her family.

There was music from a local band, the village schoolchildren and from the village choir.

We ( the members of the Flower Show Committee- Terry, John , myself, animal helper Pat, Ann and dapnae ) didn't see much of the fair as we were in charge of the catering tables and kitchen.
Terry doesn't like Christmas so we put him front of house serving teas and next to the PA system speaker , he almost went bananas with the constant Christmas theme of the songs .

Members of the village a Male Voice choir sang traditional ditties

Santa ( Head of the community council Dave Smith) arrived on his moter bike with his Elf in the sidecar

Dozy

Apart from raising a Roger Moore eyebrow, the Prof nearly said " dozy" when I told him about the floor.

" It could be a lot worse!" He then muttered

Just behind him George walked across the living room with cream paint all up his arse where he had sat against the skirting board

Hey ho...

( helping out at the village Christmas do later...I will post photos this afternoon)

Oh Dorothy!!!!

I'm such a friggin' fucking, twatting, bollocking, arseholing dick brain!
Guess Who gave the fitters the WRONG measurements for the floor?

Almost There- Reality TV

In the darkness of Chapel Street this evening Jean and Dave Smith stopped to say they were looking forward to see what the kitchen looks like when it is finally finished on Tuesday!
Sandra Cameron popped up behind with her Yorkshire terrier and said the same thing!
I thought it was kind seeing that her kitchen looks like the set of Housewives of Orange County
Animal helper Pat popped in to see the progress today and through the uncovered lane window a whole collection of villagers have sneaked sideward glances when passing with their dogs and shopping bags .
It's getting all a bit addictive this reality kitchen construction thing...like a local Reality Tv Show
Roll on a Tuesday.........I've booked Jane Asher to officially open it.....she needs the work

Best Friends

It's cold here and the cottage smells of fresh paint.
The log burner has been on since Sunday night, and Albert has burrowed under the bedroom duvet to warm himself after a night's hunting.
I've just touched base with best friend Nu who is suffering from a heavy seasonal cold.
I catch up with her in two weeks time on a winter's London trip
Phone calls with friends often fall into shorthand speak where conversations take on, almost a language all of it's own! This drives the Prof mad and he often refers to my interactions as being emotionally masturbating in nature!
Hey ho
I read an article recently that stated a research paper claimed that people with more than one or two best friends lived longer, happier lives than those that didn't!
Go figure !
So my question of today is.....
Who is your best friend? ( first name only) and in five words or less describe just why that is the case! ( spouses can't be classed as best friends I am afraid)
I'd be interested to hear

On the Toilet

Yesterday sailor John from next door came around to put up the new kitchen lights.
I cannot be trusted with anything electric owing to DIY incompetence and the fact that I am colour blind.
John wouldn't accept any payment for the work so I had to resort to gift buying. I hope he liked the two steaks and bottle of port I left for him.....it was a job well done.
I am presently typing this on the loo. I need to start painting the kitchen ceiling and I know I am putting off the job.
I hate painting.....and sitting on the loo seems much more fun......having said that, I've sat here too long now and have a large pressure red ring circling my buttocks..
Too much info, I hear you all say
The kitchen floor arrives on Friday and the new tiles will be coming with the tiler on Monday so it hands to the pumps me hearties!
The kitchen should be finished totally by Tuesday!
Now I had to smile on Sunday when I passed the Church door whilst on a walk with the dogs. Church service had just finished and the vicar was sat on the stone seat in the porch surrounded by the village ladies who were all eagerly looking at photos of his new kitchen on his mobile phone , oohing and arrrghing as if they had seen a baby.
Mind you having a new kitchen is just like having your first baby
You are totally scared that you'll break something when it arrives

Madness

I've lost followers when I questioned the sanity of gun ownership in the US
I've lost followers when I've slagged off Donald Trump
And I think I've lost at least one follower when I waxed too lyrically about Chris Pratt's biceps once
But today is the first time Ive lost a follower because I shared the fact that the Prof once tapped Winnie's Vulva with a hand knitted slipper
I'm surrounded by madness!

" WHATEVER!!!!!!"

Dog Psychology

Four dogs and a small cottage often means chaos if you are not ordered and you think like a human.
The secret of controlling canines is that you have to think like one.
With a selection of workmen in and out of the house, the first rule is to prepare them and not the dogs.
I always check first, if they " know" dogs and second if they are nervous of dogs. Thus armed I can get introductions over with.

Winnie this morning....and every morning

Winnie and Mary have to greet everyone, before they settle. Greeting means jumping and cuddling and in Winnie's case kissing but the rule is always I go through the door first, dogs always follow second it's the same rule I have with them when exiting the car. Dogs NEVER leave a car without permission.

William, sleeping with his blind eye open

William and George will greet visitors in their own time. George will bark loudly which often puts fear into the more nervous of workmen but as long as they are warned they will pet him and William politely before the dogs start to lose interest.
Then it is time for the dogs to be removed except for when the tiler is working as he has already said he rather enjoys Winnie's lugubrious company.
Other rules for dog control are

Keep verbal instructions to a minimum, dogs understand tone more than words

Never EVER tap a female bulldog on the vulva with your slippered foot- thinking her reaction is amusing-- she will NEVER forget the experience and will try and masturbate with you at every opportunity ( Prof please note)

Be consistent,
Only scold them immediately after bad behaviour never later.

Ignoring dogs for at least a minute a day especially when you regroup with the pack keeps them on their toes and clear that you are the boss.