" Kill, Kill, Kill Them All"

I am irrationally angry first thing in the morning.

The earlier I get up, 

the worse it is.

The Prof knows he exacerbates it all by tutting at my driving abilities, 

or like he did this morning , giving me unwanted advice about how the clear the windscreen of ice

I have to bite the insides of my cheeks to stop myself from

clubbing him to death with my crocs

He is like Julie Andrews on waking.

That is another thing that pisses me off.

I dropped him off at a dark railway station at some ungodly hour this morning 

And before. He got out of the car he showered my left cheek with kisses as I sat there looking like Walter Matthau 

I wish I could be different 

But I can't 

I'm a twat before 7am! 

Late Camilla Update

 Apologies Janice, I forgot to pass on the Camilla is fine after her bin lorry collision , I took this photo of her, Jo and Carol in a frozen Ukrainian village and field this morning . - 6 degrees tonight! Thank goodness we have a new heating system...
Even though the Professor who has a PhD .....cannot figure out yet!

A very cold Irene and Sylvia waiting for their feed this morning

Soundtracks Of Your Life

Certain pieces of music provide a backdrop to your life in that particular moment of time.
Meat Loaf 's BAT OUT OF HELL takes me back to 1982' times of youthful exuberance. Cher's I BELIEVE 1990s Sheffield  and Audrey Hepburn's MOON RIVER will always make me think of courting The Prof, in a time he had hair and I had a waist!
Julia Fordham's HAPPY EVER AFTER conjures up happy days with my best friend Nu and Mario Lanza's DRINKING SONG transports me to a mad cap car journey home with my sisters.

Music, like certain smells, flash memories through your mind.

This morning I heard this song FROM 2007 on the radio. Snow Patrol's CHASING CARS saturated the airways when I drove to and fro from home to the vets and the animal hospital in Cheshire. It was a time of great distress as my first dog Finlay was undergoing various tests for a sudden neurological deterioration and every car journey including the one that necessitated me returning his body home for burial was punctuated by this melancholy song played quietly on the radio.
The song can still, after nine years, reduce me to tears.

What is the first soundtrack of your life that leaps to your mind.
Why do you remember it?
I'd be interested to know.

The Walking Dead - Swear

I like Alanna Masterson's character on The Walking Dead. As the slightly lumpy, big hipped, wisecracking and at times gauche lesbian Tara, Masterson brings some welcome humour to a story so often filled with sadness and horror. 
In this her stand alone episode, Tara finds yet another community ( this time a totally female encampment called Oceanside.) The newbees are mistrusting on any stranger as they had all of their men over ten years old culled by Negan's saviors and the whole episode was really a reflective piece of the bad things , good people do, in the name of survival .
Oceanside kills strangers no matter now innocent they may be . The Alexandrians killed Negan's satellite soldier group in their beds and so no one comes out truly clean in this brave new world.
Tara, in a rather plodding episode had a chance to explore this concept.
Oh and with her big hips swaying like a grand Southern Mama she killed 50 sand covered walkers in the most hammy and bumbling kind of way, it made me like her even more .

The Führer's Penis

The hardest thing to do on intensive care is to care for a patient who is confused and desperately ill. 

They often seesaw precariously on the very edge of sudden and often disastrous  deterioration because they do not understand the need to comply with medical and nursing treatments. 

I looked after such a patient yesterday. 

I was somewhat fraught after 13 hours of it. 

Driving home , I thought of all of those unpaid carers in this country who deal day in day out with their confused and disorientated loved ones at home. Work which often has limited or no respite, and which may carry on for years and years and years. 

Thirteen hours of it, doesn't sound at all bad eh?

When I was a student nurse in psychiatry, I took an elderly lady called Jean out Christmas Shopping in Chester. 

She had schizophrenia and early onset dementia and although physically fit, she remained muddled and disorientated for most of the time.

We ended up in Browns of Chester which was the flagship department store in the city at the time and as we walked through the make up department we were approached by one of those plastic looking salesgirls who was offering " squirts" of perfume for ladies to trial.

" Would madam like to try?" The plastic woman said with a plastic smile

And Jean duly held out her wrist for a tester.

I watched her reaction carefully.

Jean took a sniff of the scent and nodded that she liked it, so.., sensing a sale the plastic woman moved in for the kill.

Jean then smiled a sweet smile and beckoned the woman forward and whispered the following statement in her ear

" I knew Hitler you know, he had a massively HUGE COCK,! "

I'll leave you with a big up of the Village Christmas Fayre which takes place in the Memorial Hall on Saturday.....hope everyone can make it

Hey Ho again

Shite day at work.
Came home to a stressed Prof who couldnt quite sort the smoking fire out!
Walked dogs
Ate tea,
Watched the sweet Lisa Snowdon getting kicked out of the get me out of here

That almost rhymed 

Royal Arse

After sorting out the valve system on the radiators I was just getting all testosterone and full of myself when the council  bin men lorry pulled up outside the cottage and one of the hairy arsed bin men knocked loudly on the front door .
I was half expecting them to be in a pissy mood after all I had left half a ton of plumber's packaging and bin bags out for collection but the binman wasn't bothered about the rubbish, he was more upset than anything
" One of your birds has smashed into our van" he told me
Apparently they had just turned the corner at the bottom of the lane when " a soddin massive black bird" had appeared from nowhere and had bounced on the roof of their refuse lorry, just above the windscreen.
The bird then " shat" down the windscreen ( probably in shock) then bounced into the hedge.
" It's still alive" the binman told me " it was hissing at us"
" It's probably Camilla Parker Bowles "I told him " She's a crap flyer"
The binman looked confused.

I could have done without another little drama. I was still getting used to the heating system more complicated than the average ITU ventilator and had already fixed a leaking radiator single handed a few minutes before, so with slightly heavy and irritated heart I followed the binman down the lane to where his three colleagues were peering into the hedge.
" It's in there" one man chirped up pointing to a goose sized hole in the hedge
I looked in and sure enough Camilla looked back at me with her big black solemn eyes.
As I reached in and picked her up, the binman who had knocked on the door turned to his friends and said" her name is Camilla Parker Bowles !" They all nodded with interest in a chorus of " ooos and arrhhhs"

Apart from a massive crap stain on her back end , Camilla looked shocked but unhurt. So I thanked the binmen and apologied for any damage caused.
" It will have to be logged " , the senior binman said " she's dented the roof"  but they were soon on their way and Camilla was soon sat in a dark calm goose house under observation"

I wonder what the binmen would log in their incident file?
"Camilla Parker Bowles crash landed on our bin lorry today and she shat all over the windscreen "
Dirty girl.......

Getting Straight

Ten hours of cleaning and the cottage looks a little more normal

I'm shattered