Slag!

I don't know quite how to put this.
But Winifred is a bit of an old slag.
Now masturbation is not really a subject for a Sunday morning I know, but the whole topic reared it's ugly head (?) last night when said bulldog was caught rubbing her fanny on the sole of Chris' slipper
just as he was enjoying Sophie Ellis Bexter's wonderful Charleston on Strictly come Dancing.

At first, I think, he thought it was all a bit of innocent scratching, so he bounced the slipper "up and down " so to speak. And before my very eyes Winifred turned into rather an unsavoury  morose looking, fat lap dancer.
It was a little  like watching your mum make a drunken pass at the vicar.
Now Chris' slippers are the hand made woollen ones that were kindly knitted by Kit Hopkins, so after a minute or two of " grinding" and " humping" I thought it prudent to tip Chris the wink ....and tell him that Winifred was " self polluting"
His reaction was measured and calm
" YOU DIRTY FAT BASTARD!" Was the general gist of what he came out with.
The slippers were placed promptly on a cool wash
And Winifred stalked off to sulk in the kitchen

Overheard

I worked half a shift at work this morning

On my home I over heard two medics talking in the lift

One said to another,  a rather mysterious and somewhat worrying

" it hit the floor like an effing jellyfish from 2000 feet!"

I'd love to know what that was all about!

It reminded of the Hitchcock story

When, out of pure devilment , the old guy

Turned to a colleague in a crowded elevator and stage whispered a rather menacing 

" I didn't realize that the old boy would bleed so much"

We Walk The Same Line

I completed my first shift at the Samaritains last night. And an interesting, thoughtful and indeed sobering shift it was too.
I left the centre after an unusually busy evening of calls with my head spinning.
I was not overwhelmed by it all in any way. I am well versed in dealing with distress through work, but it was the broad nature and vast scope of subject matters that surprised me.
It was probably a good night to start,
We all need to offload our burdens do we not?
Over a pint in the pub, over the dinner table, a chat to a friend on the phone, writing a blog......we all find our own confidants in some shape or form whether they be family, friends , or a stranger on a train.
And when I got home ,to a quiet cottage, just before midnight
I sat quietly for a while listening to Chris coughing in bed and Winnie snoring her way through bulldog dreams in the kitchen.
And I thanked " whoever" that my lot is a good one.

" Cheese!"

I am always happy when villagers call down to the field. Affable despot Jason and his girls often call down with tidbits for the animals, neighbor Viv ( who has a soft spot for blind cockerel Cogburn) sneaks around with nibbles and only yesterday, the former owners of Russell the gander popped around to check up on the old guy.
The other day, I looked out of the window to see an elderly lady sat on a chair in the centre of a rainy field. She was waving a blue balloon and was being photographed surrounded by the field population

I was only mildly surprised. Things like this happen every day in Trelawnyd.

The Other Side Of Winifred

This afternoon, As I was walking through the field gate with a bucket of eggs, I spied a young man running from out of our back gate. He stopped in the lane and started to check his pant leg and  from where I was standing I could clearly hear George barking wildly.
I shouted to him and jogged over calling out a pretty lame " can I help you?"
The man looked frightened but was smiling
" that bloody great big thing chased me down the path" he said pointing to the gate.
Behind the bars and In front of the other dogs stood Winifred.
She was staring at the man intently and was snorting like a bull
" I was only  just putting a leaflet through the door" he moaned " God I thought I was a gonna"
I started to laugh, I had left the back door open when I went to collect the eggs, and Winifred had been fast asleep on the kitchen floor.
I think they had both frightened each other.for when the man saw the shocked face of a fat bulldog he ran for it...and she legged it after him.
Who would have thought it? Winifred is now officially a guard dog
" she didn't bite you did she?" I asked remembering that he had been checking his pant leg
" no" he said, but I am sure I could see bulldog slobber
" I am sorry", I said " she's a big soft puddin really"
The leaflet man looked dubious
" she looks like a tank"
And when he handed me  a new schedule for our refuse collections
His hand was shaking

Bake Off Week 7

Well it's Bake off night

And the going is  getting tough

Loveable Glenn has been kicked off for a puff pastry malfunction ( how apt)

Welsh gal Becca cranked up a gear

Francis got a well deserved merit

And big head Kimberly really got on my tits

Best bit of the programme

The much repeated 

And well loved

" get a ruddy grip" telling off by Mel

Loved it

Officialdom

Do academics make passes as nurses who wear glasses.?.....I will ask chris

It's the curse of the middle aged.....

I have been battling officialdom all day
And my stress levels have been sufficiently raised to a level  that would make the likes of Mother Theresa kick the shit out of one of her fellow nuns.
First my " emergency" designer scotch Egg gift from Tom Stevenson was NOT delivered by the post office ( the postie left one of those " we couldn't deliver your parcel" letters even though I was in the cottage at the time!) .....The lady in the sorting office told me that I could not retrieve the eggs until tomorrow and could not quite understand my chagrin as I shared with her my worry that the said egg may " go off" in the warmth of its packaging!........., then I had a somewhat lively debate with the water board about one of their tankers who has clipped  my field wall yet AGAIN! before spending a wonderful 45 minutes explaining to a painfully polite but ever so vague call centre lady in the Indian sub Continent , that Bt had sent me the wrong broadband hub replacement .
I could spit
At least my new £ 1.99 ebay magnifying spectacles WERE delivered without incident

For the first time in months I can actually read the small print!

Does My Bum Look Big In This?

I have now lost 10 lbs in 21 days

I was stood half asleep after being on the scales at fat club tonight

When the leader said cheerfully

"Looking good girlfriend"

I smiled and said " thank you" like a schoolgirl

Then shut up rather quickly

She had been talking to someone else

Hey ho

Very tired tonight.....
It all got rather fraught when I got home..
Chris has lost a slipper
And Winifred seems to be the prime suspect