But Winifred is a bit of an old slag.
Now masturbation is not really a subject for a Sunday morning I know, but the whole topic reared it's ugly head (?) last night when said bulldog was caught rubbing her fanny on the sole of Chris' slipper
just as he was enjoying Sophie Ellis Bexter's wonderful Charleston on Strictly come Dancing.
At first, I think, he thought it was all a bit of innocent scratching, so he bounced the slipper "up and down " so to speak. And before my very eyes Winifred turned into rather an unsavoury morose looking, fat lap dancer.
It was a little like watching your mum make a drunken pass at the vicar.
Now Chris' slippers are the hand made woollen ones that were kindly knitted by Kit Hopkins, so after a minute or two of " grinding" and " humping" I thought it prudent to tip Chris the wink ....and tell him that Winifred was " self polluting"
His reaction was measured and calm
" YOU DIRTY FAT BASTARD!" Was the general gist of what he came out with.
The slippers were placed promptly on a cool wash
And Winifred stalked off to sulk in the kitchen
Are you sure she wasn`t just getting into the swing of things with Hairy biker Dave?
ReplyDeleteAll three of our " rescue" bulldogs have indulged in this behaviour from time to time....so it should not have come as a total surprise!
ReplyDeletePerhaps Winnie should have a few more lessons on how to apply her make up!!
ReplyDeleteIt was just an itch that needed relieving. Surely you know about that.
ReplyDeleteLOLOL.
ReplyDeleteOMBLOLOMB! hey, every girl has to "get off" now and then by herself!
ReplyDeleteHmmm, now we can only speculate on Chris's other sliper that was 'lost'. LOL
ReplyDeletea girls got to do what a girls got to do!
ReplyDeleteWas it the not so great singing on Strictly that got her going ?... it certainly irritated the hell outta us last night, " They are MURDERING this song " ! exclaimed Jess....
ReplyDeleteand speaking of strictly, can anyone tell us why the girls wear gold sparkly shoes & never silver even when they have silver trimmed clothes & hairdos ?
Mind you Winifred would look rather fetching in gold sparkly shoes x
She would look a little like Debra meedan
DeleteI feel that Kit Hopkins should get the knitting needles out !! XXXX
ReplyDeleteI went round to a couple of friends (who just happened to be gay too) for Sunday lunch once, and they warned me that their boxer masturbated, and I said that all dogs did, from time to time. Not like this one - it leaned with it's back against a chair, and used it's paw like a hand!
ReplyDeleteFreaky
DeleteA bull's got to do what a bull's got to do!
ReplyDeleteMy goose keeps trying to mount my foot. I wouldn't mind but he insists on nipping my leg which is jolly uncomfortable.
ReplyDeleteI've got a turkey who does that?
DeleteYelling that disgraceful epithet at poor Winnie when she was only doing what, erm, comes naturally is beyond the pale. If I were you I'd grab those very same slippers and deliver C. some mighty thwacks on his bottie - and see how he likes THAT! (Oh, he would?)
ReplyDeleteWe are off to see THE CALL on your recommendation tonight
DeleteI hope you both like, though my opinion is no guarantee that you will, of course. Do let us know.
DeleteI will pray for you all. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh the shame of it all!!!
ReplyDeleteOh the shame of it all!!!
ReplyDeleteReading that has made my day!! Izzy turns the corner of her bed over and 'humps' it and Kimi rubs his todger on the carpet. All rather normal in this mad household and with me as a parent
ReplyDeleteis she dolling herself up for a night on the town with the pussies LOL. yes and regards to your other post about humanity please for the sake of the little girl that reads always start your sentence with your very own name. much less traumatic for all those concerned.
ReplyDelete:-P
You will have to explain that one to me again
DeleteX
Oh wow! This post (plus some of the responses) has opened my eyes! And there was me getting shirty with Boy the Bedlington for repeatedly trying to "get jiggy" with Roxy, the gorgeous glossy black cocker spaniel bitch (mercifully spayed), who is with us for the weekend!
ReplyDeleteI've a JRT bitch who indulges. I've always put it down to her being spayed at 6 months, but the matronly Winnie puts paid to that theory....
ReplyDeleteWell, she had her moment and now might favor Chris more, especially if he is wearing those slippers.
ReplyDeleteOur Dachshund is a right dirty bastard. He has humped me, Adam, our dog, cat, his toys, blankets, and this is after he has been neutered. When we have guests, they are like 'aww, he's cuddling me' before realising that he actually having sex with their armpit. Oh, the shame!
ReplyDeletePoor girl....did she get a cold shower?
ReplyDeleteHee hee.
ReplyDeleteAnd I thought Sophie was just cleaning herself excessively!!
ReplyDeleteDirty bitch
DeletePoor Chris! I wonder if he will wear those slippers again, or maybe only if Winnie is out of sight? I hope Winnie got some satisfaction out of the incident....
ReplyDeleteNancy in Iowa
I'm laughing at the visual, John. Adds new meaning to the term shoe fetish...
ReplyDeleteBUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! *choking and snorting*
ReplyDeleteThat just made my Sunday. Thank you.
ReplyDeleteThere are lots of wanking dogs out there evidently
DeleteThat made my day!
ReplyDeleteImagine such a sight around a bunch of embarrassed fundamentalist Christians. Their Golden Retriever tried to hump a stranger's leg.
OMG. Really? do you think it is because she has been to stud?
ReplyDeleteI thought one of the slippers was missing and Winnie was the chief suspect in its disappearance. Was she having her way with it in a corner?
ReplyDeleteLove,
Janie
Oh dear, I never thought of that
DeleteI love it! Thanks for the laugh. Chris is a tolerant guy.
ReplyDeleteWas the inclusion of the foot in the slipper important do you think?
ReplyDeleteI suspect he'll need counselling
DeleteHe can call the Samaritans.
DeleteHappens to the best of us ;)
ReplyDeleteIs she fixed ?
~Jo
Unfortunately NOT jo
DeleteThe photo itself gave me a "double take"... thought the old girl was an old queen dolling himself up until I remembered that Winnie's female. Why don't you just get her a vibrator then all will be safe in your household again.
ReplyDeleteWe were staying in a posh château hotel many moons ago, eating dinner on the terrace, surrounded by posh people of various nationalities, when the hotel donkey (named Bastide, apparently) walked across to the garden opposite, tipped over a chair and proceeded to massages his private parts on one of the legs.
ReplyDeleteIt all went very quiet amongst the toffs on the terrace, but we could hardly eat for laughing.
OMG!
DeleteJean you win!
DeletePhwaaaaa, the tart. lol
ReplyDeletereading this rather than watching downton abbey what has just happened to Anna is disturbing. I would rather read about randy dogs.
ReplyDeleteWha happened to Anna?
ReplyDeleteyou could see what was going to happen. so I turned it off. you will have to watch it. but if you aren't going to I can spoil it for you
DeleteSpoil it for me
Deleteshe gets raped by a visiting gentlemans valet. whilst everyone else is listening to opera in the main hall.
DeleteI cant stand things like that, like soap operas. hashing and rehashing horrid things.
the actor whose character rapes her is the one that played dennis rickman in Eastenders years ago. dirty den biological son.
Hahaha...cracked me right up! Poor Winnie.
ReplyDeleteIt's just nature!
ReplyDeleteSometimes a girl's just got to take care of things herself!
ReplyDeleteGeez, can't a girl have a little fun with getting booted out by the stogey old folks?!
ReplyDeleteJohn,
ReplyDeleteGeez, if Winnie could only understand what her masters are thinking while she doesn't the notty.
Bahahahaha!
ReplyDeleteWhen Chris' slipper is sanitized to his satisfaction, he may want to place plastic bags over them when worn in the presence of Winnie. It will greatly cut down on the amount of time they need laundering. Poor Chris - she clearly had the wrong idea of how to best bond with him. Perhaps she was just looking for a way to relieve all the stress associated with having a new home? I think the bitch may have just earned herself the diagnosis of Adjustment Disorder with that kind of public display of affection for herself. According to the DMS IV, if she continues this behavior for more than 6 months she cannot use the excuse of "adjusting" and will commence to simply be "Disordered" for the rest of her life. Better she do after Chris' slipper than any of the other animals in the household.
ReplyDeleteEllen....it is a female bulldog thing
DeleteAll three of our bulldogs have done this!