Shagged Senseless

Daphne & Nell

Now what would you say, if I told you that you could have sex " on tap" so to speak during all of the daylight hours of the day.
" Chance would be fine thing" may be the response from many I suspect.

If that is the case, please give a thought for my last two remaining Indian runner female ducks, Daphne and Nell . With the recent demise of their drake Halleh ( who refused to have sex with either duck  preferring the company of the more buxom and obviously sexier hens), two younger and more virile drakes have grabbed their opportunity for multiple sex partners and have given the runners a good " seeing to" so to speak.
Unfortunately it's got all out of hand.
Out of all of our animals , drakes are the most rampant.
They are aggressive, demanding and ardent love makers.
They also don't pause for a post coital cuddle and cigarette
It's wham bang, " I'm going to grab you by the back of the head and shag you until your eyeballs pop out" kind of romance..........there are no flowers and chocolates in the duck world

Yesterday I had to save Daphne from the long grass, where she had effectively collapsed under the strain of it all.
She allowed me to pick  her up ( unheard of in hysterical runner duck circles) and heaving a massive sigh of relief, she joined an already vagina smarting Nell in their own peaceful and shag free run.
They will have to stay there until the drake testosterone fails in the autumn.

Peace has now returned to the field
Hey ho
Postscript:
The two males have been given their own run for a while leaving the six females free on the field.
The peace continues

A Fix

Had to go to a council meeting tonight

Searching for a lost duck until late

And was still doing the washing up at 9.45

Eventually I sat down  20 minutes ago

And will relax with a rerun of

My favourite movie

Bliss

Gracie & Mary

Gracie........not a big " excitement" personality

Being responsible for a child's much loved pet is a daunting prospect, especially when you know noting about benign, putty coloured reptiles which seem to spend their whole existence with their arses stuck in a mass of plastic foliage.
Affable despot and blog pin up Jason, gave me various instructions regarding water spraying, feeding  and the like, so I was ready to cope with the responsibility of " looking after Gracie"
Or so I thought.
The water spraying was easy, the sorting out why Gracie's tank was not plugged into the mains was sorted ( I had to ring my sister who is works in a national pet shop to find this one out.....)
But I couldn't quite get the hang of tipping  a few miniature live crickets into the tank for Gracie to chomp on.
Miniature crickets are slippery little suckers.
On my first attempt I managed to get just one into the tank
On my second attempt I dropped the cricket container onto the living room floor, scattering the little bastards everywhere....
Have you ever had to round up a dozen or so tiny insects from an average shagpile in someone else's home?
No me neither.
It took an absolute bloody age.
..and this is only day one!

I think I'll stick to baby rabbits
Roland seems to still be doing fairly well btw
Although my pet shop expert sister thinks he may be a her
Roland has therefore been renamed Mary

Mary , still going and walking

Ooohhhh Arrrhhhhh me hearties!

The former vicarage gardens where the show is held

Yesterday morning was spent taking admission money at The Prestatyn Flower Show. You meet a nice lot of people, you feel useful and you play with money, so it's a win win sort of experience all round and I kind of enjoyed myself.
Of course there are always a few difficult customers.
" How much to come in love?" One old bag asked
" £ 1.50 " I said giving her  big smile
" HOW MUCH?" She shrieked
I repeated myself and added in my best PR voice  " there's lots to see and enjoy"
" You can bugger off" she said huffing away.
So I couldn't resist a call of
" have a nice day" as she left

She wasn't my favourite bad tempered customer.
And Chris can verify this story as he was stood feet away from the exchange, which had to be seen to be believed ( he has actually left his first (AND LAST) comment on GOING GENTLY below!)

1. 
   Dr. Chris Burton9:47 am

   I have been asked to verify the truth of this story, which I can. The only thing he missed was that her false teeth fitted none too well, so the oooohhhh and ahhhhss were interspersed with a high pitched whistling of air. Delightful.

   ReplyDelete.......Anyhow

Picture the scene
Very old lady in a blue mac. She walks firmly up to my " meet, greet and pay " table and plonks down a one pound coin.
I smile and say in my best Nanette Newman voice
" I' m sorry admission is £ 1.50 I'm afraid"
She starred at me long and hard
" I am not going to be very long" she muttered
I smiled again
" Admission is still £1.50, you can't just have a pound's worth of a look"

There was then a bit of a stand off.
The pressure was on
The queue was starting to form and she knew she had me at a slight disadvantage
She gave me another long stare
I thought I would play it hard ball
So I looked the old bat straight in the eye and said slowly
" ONE....POUND.....FIFTY.....PLEASE"
She then played her trump card
And I am not exaggerating when I say this,
For suddenly she started to make a noise I can only liken to Robert Newton's Pirate voice from the film TREASURE ISLAND
" arrrhhhhhhhh arrrhhhhhhh arhhhh" she croaked ( thank fuck she didn't add " Jimlad" ....) and I looked helplessly at Chris not knowing just what to do
It's not often you see an old lady giving a pirate impersonation....and a good one at that
" arrhhhh arrrhhhhh" she repeated gnashing her gums at me.....and I did what any self respecting Flower Show admission steward would do in that sort of situation
I waved her through the gate.
John O
Old pirate lady 1

Encore

Chris has been working in London for most of the week

He took one day off to go over to France with his mother 

And he bought me a typically French themed gift

What do you think?

When the visuals are THIS GOOD

A blog is worth repeating

I have been running around the field in it frightening the sheep

Who said ponchos aren't sexy

We could be twins

French Leave

Chris has been working in London for most of the week

He took one day off to go over to France with his mother 

And he bought me a typically French themed gift

What do you think?

Dirty Feet, The Winner Is.........and English but not as we know it

I spoke to Chris last night.

He has been working away all week and will be back today

" have you been looking after yourself ?"

He asked after he heard I had been mooching around Bosoms all day

" yes" I told him

" have you had a bath today?"

" Of course" I replied

And then I looked down at my feet

He knows me well

Ps

Just been down to the Prestatyn Flower Show......my veg box won second prize...my cabbage won second prize and my curly Kale won second prize........always a bridesmaid and never the bride eh?

The winning veg basket.....a worthy winner...the bastard!

My curly kale!

My flowers ( fifth from theleft top row) didnt get placed...bastards!

The Floral Art Section

and to end....

The Open Allotment Day has had some publicity

in the local paper.

Nice Picture of village despot Peter Vincent with "the turkey"

but i have to say that I despair that the twelve year old reported referred to the day

as a FATE

rather than a FETE

Even I know the difference

Bosoms comes up trumps

Before our own flower show here in Trelawnyd, there is the much grander and comprehensive Flower Show down in Prestatyn to contend with. My elder sister Ann, runs this show , and has done for years, so today, is the day that I have to prepare my entries. Tomorrow the show opens.
I have not really got a good eye when it comes to arranging veg, but I hope that the above basket may win me something......
Tally ho