"When eeeee needs meeee" & Thanks To Em Parkinson

Tonight the village gets riddled with " ripper fever" as the long awaited Jack The Ripper lecture comes to the Memorial Hall.Now I did mention to Auntie Glad that she would have made a delightful old Victorian crone if we made her up with a shawl and a basket of lavender and sat her on the village Hall steps , but she said her cockney wasn't up to it.......especially when her    " cor lummy...ave a banana" comes out less like Nancy out of Oliver  and more like Gladys Pugh from Hi De Hi.

I am in two minds setting a bonfire on the allotment next to the memorial Hall at 6.45pm ... Some atmospheric " fog" would set the scene quite beautifully as the punters arrive for their evening of gore.
I'll mention it to affable despot Jason a bit later....I am sure he'll be up for it

Anyhow, I'll close with a big thank you to fellow blogger  Em Parkinson, who from her

Delightful rural backwater in the South East, sent me some of her artwork of Wiliam and 

George ( below)

We collected the framed pictures today and they look beautiful on the cottage wall

Thank you so much Em for making such an effort

And all for the price of a sad scotch egg sent in the post

Em's Blog ( click)

Quite lovely

I am the Object of Bingley's affection

All the males on the field are in a state of testosterone overload

The hysterical runner drakes, Eric the bad tempered Cockerel and even Bingley the turkey are all

" at it" like bleeding Russell Brand in a strip joint

I sit down for a few moments on the field to.pick out a few things for my birthday list

( June 1st BTW)

And I am sexually harassed by the biggest bird on the block

Sleep On

The first of the babies have arived on the field today

Not a good photo but the tiny black chick is on the right

I am not a lover of lullabies. But I head the following when I was planting out potatoes yesterday

and I was struck by the clarity of Westenra's voice

(click on the link to find the song)

Sleep On

Taking Some Time

Sometimes it's important to take time over something. Some tasks need care and patience. Some things should not be rushed. 

Every morning, I let the blind cockerel, Cogburn out of the controlled environment of his run, for some exercise. I can only do this when the other cockerels and the geese  are safely out of the way, for as big as he is, he remains the most vulnerable animal on the field.

I have a 101 things to do most mornings. Today was no different. I needed to fill the water butts on the field border, the eggs in the incubator in the kitchen needed candling, potatoes needed to be planted in bosoms, which is now full of weeds after the overnight rain and I needed to start the strimming of the mountains of nettles which are now screening the pig pen, but something in Cogburn's behaviour made me pause for a moment in order to watch him.

In the breeze and the early morning sunshine, Cogburn seemed to blossom. He moved his big feet on the grass, like a city dweller does when on the beach for the first time , and he turned his head to face the warmth of the sun, blinking his unseeing eyes slowly and carefully in obvious enjoyment.

It may sound odd to say it, but it was incredibly moving to see the big fella so alive and so vital.

Despite the list of jobs, irritatingly fixed inside my head.

I slowly sat down beside the blind old cockerel to let him enjoy the morning sun without being rushed

The Shame.......The Shame.......oh The Shame

I went to see a nine year old sports physiotherapist this afternoon

I thought a physio assessment would be of more benefit to me

I am still suffering from sciatic pain down my left leg.

I made sure I was all squeaky clean for the " hands on"

I smelled of soap and Clinique "happy"

I even wore a newly washed pair of pants

And when the physio bent my knees up in order to stretch my spine

I let out a huge, loud,wet FART

Oh the shame
The shame

I cannot really remember much else about the consultation

World swallow me whole

Wish I did!

Calling All Locals

Calling all locals

This is a reminder that

Affable despot Jason 

Has organised a " Jack the Ripper" evening on Saturday Evening at the 

Memorial Hall.

Retired detective , writer and presenter Trevor Marriott will give a detailed

And innovative review of the Ripper killings from a modern day perspective.

Sounds fun does it not?

Get your tickets from Jason 

At Ty Wynne, Chapel Street.

Oh Dear

just a quick postscript to my previous post.....
And a reply to the rather abusive post entry from a certain RED NINJA who apparently joined Blogger today just to call me ( and I quote) a "homophobic abusive excuse of an arsehole"
Now the " arsehole" description I will accept in part.....( it had taken nearly 51 years fully develop my acid, razor sharp wit) but .........homophobic.....I am afraid , I shall not accept.....
I suspect Red Ninja (?) hasn't quite cottoned on to my unhealthy obsessions with a certain Russell Crowe and the zombie killing red neck, Daryl Dixon........(The Walking Dead)
Perhaps she was blinded by my use of the inflammatory stereotype of lesbians being handy with screwdrivers......hey ho.......who knows.....
You just can't keep everyone happy....
So.....Red Ninja...if you are reading this
Eat shit and die
Xx

Daryl Dixon kills Ninjas

A Lesbian With A Screwdriver

There was a bit of folklore in Sheffield which stated that if you were a single gay man, you could always find a possible date at the flagship Waitrose supermarket on a Wednesday night .
Conversley Lesbian dating, it was said, was based,  at the DIY Superstore B&Q on a weekend...
I know lazy stereotyping
But ever so slightly amusing
Yesterday the two ladies who had suffered the fox attack over the weekend, dropped off their now unwanted hen houses,and runs. Every piece had been dismantled, within an inch of its life, and so, I was ever so slightly anxious at the prospect of sorting through a huge pile of timber, screws and chicken wire which was piled up in a mountain by the gate.
Now, I am not known for my woodworking skills
Especially when I have no paper instructions to follow......
I know, I looked a little worried!
Anyhow the kind ladies must have sensed my anxiety, for as the last bit of wood was dropped on the grass
They asked for a few screwdrivers, screwdrivers which they flipped professionally in their hands.

" Come on Pam " the First Lady said, in a rather passable imitation of Sigourney Weaver out of  aliens
" let's kick some ass"

In just half an hour the pair, helped occasionally by me, knocked up three hen houses, and two runs.....which are a complete godsend, as during the next two weeks, I am expecting two broody buffs to hatch out their chicks and the ducklings are due too, in their incubator in the kitchen

Thank you ladies. Both of you were stars 

Ripley would be very proud