The Finlay Memorial Cup

I don't want to bang on about it all, but I was happier today when I heard that we can rename the cup that we bought as a donation to the Trelawnyd Flower Show in memory of Fin. The flower show, in comparison to the somewhat larger and showier Prestatyn show

http://www.prestatynflowershow.co.uk/, needed a few more cups as prizes, as not all the winners were in a position to receive a trophy. So Chris and I and a couple of the new committee members have offered to donate a couple of silver cups. Nice to think that Fin has one named after him!

Lovely day today, so short blog! out in the field finishing the allotment!

London to Brighton and Picking a gravestone

Only had one cry today, when I was reading the daily post of all bloody things: -http://icnorthwales.icnetwork.co.uk/news/conwygwynedd/tm_method=full&objectid=18722806&siteid=50142-name_page.html, guess it will get better!

Ned and Janet came up trumps yesterday, as they brought us a lovely stone from Llanasa Churchyard (where Ned's brother is repairing dry stone walls) I have taken it to the stone mason's today to have Fin's name engraved on it. The stone is small, well weathered and probably pre-victorian and will look just right in the front garden, I think it is important to mark his grave appropriately.

Working last night threw all my plans out yesterday as I had organised in my mind to work a day, so today I was on catch up after sleeping well past my planned slumber time. Took Meg to the vets to have all her stitches out, which was a little sad and then got stuck in with digging the allotment as the weather was glorious.

Totally forgot that Hazel and I had planned to go to the cinema, so raced around to meet her to see London to Brighton (2006) . Vertigo Films ' blurb states that...... It's 3:07am and two girls burst into a run down London toilet. Joanne is crying her eyes out and her clothing is ripped. Kelly's face is bruised and starting to swell. Duncan Allen lies in his bathroom bleeding to death. Duncan's son, Stuart, has found his father and wants answers. Derek, Kelly's pimp, needs to find Kelly or it will be him who pays. Kelly and Joanne need to get through the next 24 hours alive...
Hummmm? not a bag of laughs eh? actually the film is a simple taut thriller made compelling by a straightforward performance by Lorraine Stanley (pic) , the car crash of a hooker that still has a heart! It is bleak and gritty but zips along at a pace and a half, and doesn't half keep you watching. A good British film!

Lots to do tomorrow, chitting potatoes, rotavating and the like!
Interesting entry on Gay for today!
http://gayfortoday.blogspot.com/

Arse over tit

Got into work this morning only to find that I am actually on night duty! so back home I have trudged.(the journey was a little surreal as a huge deer had written off a saloon car on the A55 and the bloody carnage was scattered all over the carriageway)
The mistake is typical of things this week, I have forgotten to pay certain bills, bounced a cheque as I wrongly worked out how much money we had in the joint account and have forgotten to return some library text books as well as a score of other little mistakes and omissions. This has been irritating me too so I was glad to get away yesterday to Liverpool. Spent a rather miserable afternoon shopping but then met up with Nuala, our first meet since the wedding. I didn't want to talk about my week and her family gossip and trauma more than filled the talking space for both of us which I was grateful for. So I listened to the post wedding stories of how A had fallen out with B, and how C was behaving badly; and what D and F were up to after visiting G etc etc. She is energy personified, and just being there made me feel better.

We had a lovely meal (fatfighters don't listen-wild boar and black pudding!) at The Monro on Duke street, after which I got the 9.30 train home. Chris picked me up, he was down and upset as he had spent the evening alone with the dogs and had "come down with a bump" as it were after a busy week at work. We went to bed early with Maddie (wagging her stubby paws in pleasure) laying inbetween us

Chris and I are going to the auction house this afternoon in Colwyn Bay which will be nice. If the weather holds perhaps we can have an amble on Llandudno pier.

Keeping busy & Jim will fix it.

Half the allotment has now been completed, and it has been a beautiful day to be working outside. I am fed up at feeling miserable, so have been incredibly busy digging and washing, doing the weekly shop ,walking the dogs and planting bulbs and plants. Grief is a bastard of thing as it creeps up on you and suddenly something small catches you unawares!-laying you lower than you ever thought possible. This morning I went to feed the chickens and removed the corn feed from my storage place on the floor of the back seat of the car (it is safer being there as the mice can't reach it) As I did so I noticed tiny pieces of tissue on the back seat where I had cleaned the car after Finlay peed on it on his return journey from the animal hospital a weeks or so ago. Chris and I laughed at it at the time as we were just grateful just to have him coming home! just remembering that small thing was enough to set me off.

People have been very kind over the last day or so. Flowers and cards and phone calls and texts all have been gratefully recieved, but I know it sounds a bit odd but I am not really up to chatting at the moment. I hope that people understand.



Last week I bought tickets for a comedy performance by Laurence Clark entitled - JIM FIXED IT FOR ME, which is at Theatre Clwyd. Chris said he hates stand up comedy so Carole stepped in to go. Didn't feel up for it really but felt as though I needed to go out.

Laurence Clark was, it turned out, to be excellent. A cerebral palsy sufferer,Dr Who fanatic and a Jimmy Savile survivor, his humour was very "spinal injury-ish" and therefore very comforting to me. He was also a very attractive charismatic performer! Carole and I had a nice evening and was a bit naughty (in a fatfinder points type of way) as we stopped off at Trelawnyd's Crown Inn for a couple of pints on the way home. The house seems very quiet without Fin when I walked in, Meg seems to have assumed control of the pack now, even though she is still very much a adolescent, and she bounced around in greeting.

Thursday

When a pet dies interested on lookers either "get" your grief or they don't, I guess it is the simple difference between pet owners and non pet owners. Grief is a concept we all understand, that is plain and simple. But grief over a dog, only a pet owner can truly appreciate. Its just the way of things.

(RIGHT: Chris found this pic of Fin and I on his computer and e mailed it me this morning)

Got up far too early this morning and couldn't get back to sleep, so did what all middle aged gay men do at difficult times.......I cleaned the house from top to bottom. Finished around 8am and fell asleep under our glorious 1940 eiderdown on the bed. Meg was fast asleep next to me when I awoke, not in any Anthropomorphic supportive type way, but in a needy "I know something is wrong and I have to be reassured-way." We all went to the beach as usual, and of course it felt dreadfully wrong to have three dogs and not four, and there and then the grief hits you, like a bolt out of the blue. It has been like this all day.

The weather was dreadful today but I did manage to plant some violas and aqualegia on Fin's grave. Lost another pound too (total weight loss 10.5lbs) after the weigh-in at Fatfighters this afternoon, which I think was a miracle after drinking most of a bottle of wine last night and chomping half a tube of pringles!!!. Sat through the "inspirational" chat afterwards, but I didn't really listen. A shitty day all round.

Chasing Cars

When I listen to the song Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol I will always think of what happened today and of Finlay.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zxXwIIBlSgw

Its melancholy tones were playing on the car radio when I took Fin to the animal hospital ten days ago,and again when I went to collect him and strangely enough it was playing when I took him to the hospital again today. Bizarre the things you notice at times like these, isn't it?.

I wasn't really surprised when the local vet called me at lunchtime and said that after rallying a little, Fin had started to fit and after sedating him she wanted me to take him to the hospital for further investigations. It seemed his last chance and I steeled myself for some bad news which of course was given to me in a no nonsense but pragmatically helpful way. The consultant MRI scanned him for a fraction of the normal costing and diagnosed Fin with a huge left sided brain tumour and cerebral bleed.

I was so grateful to her and her professional approach when she rang us up with the news. She made the decision to let Fin go easier than I ever thought possible.

He was wrapped in a child's cot blanket and looked asleep when I drove the thirty odd miles to pick him up, and I only really "wobbled" after I lay him down in the front seat, where he always curled up on our daily car trips. I cried the whole of the long journey home, then went into nurse mode when I saw Chris, who had dug Fin's grave with Janet and Ned in the front garden.
We buried Fin with my favourite picture of him with his date of birth and name written on its reverse ( in a little airtight tin) I know it sounds daft, but it made me feel a little better doing it. I cannot believe he was only 4 years old.....................
I've lost my boy..............

Another trip to the vets

I can't believe it........ Finlay has deteriorated overnight and seems to be almost back to his condition of ten days ago. With weakness on his right side,vomiting, symptoms of listlessness and the shakes, he still had enough about him to climb up the stairs this morning and sneak into the bed with me, but I was having non of it and immediately took him to the vet at Caerwys. She said his weakness wasn't as bad as it was, but put him on a drip just to make sure he wasn't dehydrated and decieded to keep him in until she discussed things with the animal hospital. They have been slow at posting through information so I have become an owner- from -Hell and chased everything up myself, including pushing the nurses to get the consultant to liaise with the vet here to direct further care. The "nurses" at the local practice are caring but I must admit when she cheerfully told me that Fin was barking at an Alsatian rather than to discuss specifics of his care I did get rather brusque and pulled nurse rank on her which I never normally do.

Anyhow the upshot is that he has an"atypical" presentation (which means that they are not sure what the hell is going on) and has a low temperature and problems with tissue perfusion as well as hypersensitivity around his face and neck. It sounds like something neuro with some sort of sepsis but who knows, all I know is that we are here all over again. Chris is in London today and tomorrow, which is makes things feel a lot worse. At least the vet has just given him some morphine and says he is settled and comfortable, they are keeping him there tonight.

All I keep thinking of is Kipling's poem The Power of A Dog http://www-hsc.usc.edu/~rneville/dogpoem3.html

"..............Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?"

(pic of Fin,taken with Chris' phone on Sunday)

Enough said!

Found this on a New York Blog site..............made me laugh