When I am at work, I touch people constantly.
I wash and I turn people in bed hourly and will sometimes take my latex glove off to comfort someone, certainly to stroke a brow or tidy a hair which is out of place .
I hear my old tutor from my psychiatric nursing days at these times….
“Being stroked by a gloved hand can be painful and unnatural “ Leslie Brint would say
There are social rules when it comes to touch too,
Some people abhor it.
Others crave it
You have to read people effectively and quickly
Safe “ zones” for touch are innately understood by most
But not always.
Watch out for cues
Huggers often give them
People in grief often regress to childhood states
When touch can heal most things
I don’t hug when I’m counselling.
It’s my strict rule.
But I do always shake hands with my clients.
It’s formal but warm
I like handshakes.
I’m off to work, shortly
With Roger on my knee as we sit at the kitchen table
He’s like me, when it comes to hugs
But he can ask for them where I seldom do
I’m glad he can
Lovely post, John. I always remember the few people who not only shook my hand, but brought their left hand to briefly cup my right hand that was being shaken. It was heartwarming.
ReplyDeleteHoping you have a peaceful shift and safe travels.
Hugs!
Hugs xx lol
DeleteTouch is so important, as you know, John. I was just visiting an elderly woman whom I occasionally Oma-sit. She is recuperating from a surgery and was in great discomfort when I saw her in the convalescent hospital. I alternated between gently stroking her shoulder and arm for a good portion of my visit.
ReplyDeleteIt’s important to me , but we forget that
DeleteI do hug my loved ones, although my son in law doesn't like hugs, so I suggested we choose something he's comfortable with (handshake, fist bump or whatever) that means the same to us. He now lets me briefly hug him. We're making progress!
ReplyDeleteHair strokes remind me of when I was a child and feeling unwell. Very comforting. Sometimes a touch can say so much. xx
Nicely explained
DeleteI wasn't hugged as a child but always hugged my children. That is until my first husband involved me in things that made me feel unclean. I stopped hugging then!
ReplyDeleteOh no
DeleteI think it is more difficult now to know when touch will cause offence. I remember one man going to shake hands and my reaction was a step backwards We had a minister who gave bone crushing, manly, handshakes even after I told him that I had painful finger joints. It stopped when I told him very loudly, so the whole congregation heard, that if he did it again I would administer a womanly knee where it would hurt.
ReplyDeleteInstinctive reaction was to step backwards out of reach. We are conditioned as women to be polite, but some male touch feels quite threatening.
DeleteUnderstood x
DeleteHugging is good for people, not only emotionally but physically as well, it raises oxytocin levels. I was not raised by huggers but became one. I do ask if I don't know the person though because as you said, not everyone likes hugs.
ReplyDeleteI do miss it
DeleteWell I know you didn't ask for one but I'm sending one to you right now.
ReplyDeleteXO
Received with thanks
DeleteHugs from afar.
ReplyDeleteLovely
DeleteThat was a lovely post John ,you are such a thoughtful person! I always hug my husband ,son and grandson! And I think that hugs from our pets are so true and full of the love they have for us! I do miss my cats hugs every day. still miss him he was such a loving cat! Hope you have a good night at work John! Love and Hugs from Mary D
ReplyDeleteIt was a hard long night , I was exhausted
DeleteI had a therapist once, the best I ever had, the one I think saved my life, and she would sometimes ask if I needed a hug which was respectful and yet so kind.
ReplyDeleteI always did.
Lovely, not something I’d do, but love
DeleteY for u
I shake hands, can manage a NY style air kiss. Hugs are stilted and offered only to very close family. Gloves on medical personnel are fine, required even--better yet they don't touch at all. Pls introduce yourself by name a station. On the other hand, a new phenomenon [my mom saw it first], doctors and nurses who look only at their tablets or laptops, no attention given at all. last visit to GP I ended up saying [to his hunched back] Am I talking to myself? So..my needs are simple, shake my hand, look me in the eye, don't touch me and pls don't kick the foot of the bed to wake me up esp in the hospital.
ReplyDeleteI tittered
DeletePS Is Mary still w T Carol? Or did I miss something? I hope she is okay?
ReplyDeleteShe’s home and well
DeleteI was raised in a very cold family. I married into a family of huggers-oh the shock. I hug my children and husband and people I think need it but I'm still not much of a fan of being on the receiving end. Except of course for dog cuddles which I love.
ReplyDeleteI like to think going gently is a hug
DeleteI was raised in a small family that did not touch, did not hug or express emotions physically or verbally ever...and it took me a while once I left home at age 18 to learn and appreciate the art of touch...was a whole new world for me. You mention you seldom ask for hugs yourself....but my suspicion is that they are offered often, given and gladly accepted by you. Yes?
ReplyDeleteSusan M/ Calif.
Yes
DeleteI'm a hugger who doesn't much like being hugged herself. I think it's because I like to do the selecting.
ReplyDeleteSame here!
DeleteControl xx lol
DeleteI do like hugs and get plenty of them from my adult sons, friends and at church. I read that Mary Oliver had it in her poetry workshop work contracts that her dog must be allowed in the room. The poetry students really blossomed when they met her dog. Could you bring your dog Roger when you do counseling?
ReplyDeleteRoger comes with me and my mentally ill friend to his outpatients ….hes his therapy dog xx
DeleteIn healthcare, touch can be so important. Even a professional hand on a patient's hand can create reassurance and a sense of being understood. In contrast, in teaching you are obliged to avoid touching as much as possible - especially if you are a man.
ReplyDeleteI haven’t been touched in 15 years
ReplyDeleteLee
I'm not surprised.
DeleteWhat a vile response from a different "Anonymous". I would happily hold you in a warm embrace Lee and stroke your hair and your back for five minutes or more. Screw the other "Anonymous"!
DeleteI agree YP thank you , Lee is the warmest and most vociferous character here
DeleteShe deserves more respect xxx
I received some great hugs when my partner died, and they were very comforting, one from a nurse in particular. I was never brought up with hugs. It's something I've had to learn and I feel comfortable doing so now.
ReplyDeleteHugs now xxxx
DeleteI am a hugger, although I always ask if it's not family if it's ok. I always remember once at the dentist I was there for a wisdom tooth extraction and it was a tricky one, I was petrified and I was over hot because of it, whilst I was waiting the nurse put her hand on my forehead, her hand was icy cold, it was the best; it calmed me down no end!
ReplyDeleteA calm hand …..wonderful
DeleteHaving lived in France for over 50 years, handshaking took-up a lot of time, and kissing on both cheeks took-up the rest. Then came Covid and we all used megaphones to communicate. These days it's back to handshakes and kisses, but probably only half the amount. I preferred it before!
ReplyDeleteI love the French two kisses
DeleteHugging just doesn't seem to come naturally for me.
ReplyDeleteI understand that , as it wasn’t originally for me
DeleteI’m not a hugger - brought up in a loving but definitely not tactile family. For many years I had a fear of physical contact from strangers, and even avoided shaking hands (although I was married and had a normal relationship!). The pandemic was a relief, I no longer had to embrace people. Strangely, children and animals have always been ok to touch though. And I held my mum’s hand as she was dying.
ReplyDeleteWhatever feels comfortable for you x
DeleteI didn't used to be a hugger, but I mellowed over the years. Of course I always hugged my boys and still do. Alan is a hugger, but my sons shake his hand when they are leaving as a mark of respect, I turn it more light-hearted by shaking their hands before hugging them. 😄 I know for a fact that in any situation that needed it, he would get a hug from both of them.
ReplyDeleteHugging can preclude conversation , which for sum helps
DeleteI like hugs but only when I am comfortable and like the person. Not one for hugging strangers at all. Touch can be simple and hand on the shoulder or arm to reassure or comfort. When I was pregnant everyone hugs you, as when I was ill and waiting for an op. Hugs and kisses were unwanted and it drove me crazy.
ReplyDeleteHugging a stranger isn’t natural
DeleteA gentle touch can be so powerful.
ReplyDeleteAmen
DeleteIn life, be a Rodger.
ReplyDeleteHe’s a star
DeleteMy 4 sisters and I were forced as children to allow anyone to hug us or touch us (and sadly, there were reasons we did not want to). Now, I will freely hug, but only if I know the person is ok with a hug, or I will ask first. Sometimes a gentle touch is all it takes for someone's floodgate of tears to open. I taught my son when he was very little, that he could say NO to anyone if he didn't want to be touched or hugged, even me. He's not a big hugger now at all. If he does hug, he likes to side hug.
ReplyDeleteHow awful , and destructive of your own boundary making
DeleteI am in favor of handshakes especially with children.
ReplyDeleteI agree…..
DeleteA good lesson learned
I was raised in a not much touch family but now that I am old and having medical problems, I would love a hug. I wish I had a caregiver. I needed to go to doctor yesterday to find out what is going on but she takes Fridays off. I have no one to watch my dog or I would go to Emerg. But that would involve at least a five hour wait to see a Doctor, then blood tests etc. So I am trying Dr. Google until Monday. Keep on offering those hugs and touches John. Gigi
ReplyDeleteSending u one x
DeleteRoger is wise. When I became a singleton again, I started to miss hugs quite a lot. Then I relocated from the southern US to the north where hugging is not very common. Sad.
ReplyDeleteSending u one x
DeleteI am a hugger in general, for friends I know well. In fact I think I've hugged you, John!
ReplyDeleteI remember it well …in soho I believe
DeleteI like hugs.
ReplyDeleteI do …but depending
DeleteI certainly hope you haven't considered hugging any f your counselling clients, you're dealing with vulnerable people there and should be aware of that at all times.
ReplyDeleteDid you actually read John’s post?
DeleteObviously not lol
DeleteAll this talk of hugs reminds me of the worst hug I ever got. My dad had entered the active dying phase, he had been in a care home for only a few days so the staff were unfamiliar to us all. I visited Dad and came out of the room crying, not distressed, just an expected sadness. The manager of the floor grabbed me in a hug I didn't expect or want and told me not to cry. It was so unwanted and I was afraid i might lose my balance when she finally let go. Weird.
ReplyDeleteOf course a good hug is invaluable.
A corporate hug
DeleteI appreciate a hand on the shoulder or a hug from a friend.
ReplyDelete